The Outing Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: After an old woman is murdered, her magic lamp ends up in the hands of a museum curator.

Review: Apparently this film is the bastardization of another movie called "The Lamp." As far as I can tell they're the same film except that this is the more edited version. I will have to track down the original version at some point, but I think it's only on VHS at the moment; that's never a good sign. Anyway, this is such a cornball movie...but in the best of ways! I can't believe I had never heard of this until now, because it's just my style of campiness. Think of the story as "A Night at the Museum" meets "Chopping Mall" mixed with "Wishmaster." You'd think that would be a recipe for shit--and it sort of is--but it worked somehow. There were surprisingly a few good ideas in general and especially toward the kills. On top of that, there are a lot of ridiculous moments that are heavily amusing. I definitely liked this movie more than I should have, but, then again, I've mentioned I'm a sucker for genie-related films.

The movie opens with video quality that makes VHS look like Blu-ray; how the hell do you pull that off? In "The Lamp" they explain the origin of the old woman that had the magic lamp originally, but here we are simply introduced to an old lady being robbed. These dumbass thieves seem to know the old lady has something incredibly valuable and of course discover the lamp. Shortly after this, they suddenly kill the old lady. Uhh, I didn't know a common thief was that willing to murder as well, but, sure, why not? After rubbing the lamp, the genie appears, although, seemingly invisible. For some reason the genie kills all the thieves in a ridiculous manner and that's that. What the fuck? Give me my damn wishes, bitch! Next thing you know, the cops are investigating the crime scene and then the lamp is instantly at a museum. Whaaaat? I guess there was an edit there, or I hope so for their sake.

While at the museum, the curator adds the lamp to the inventory but is bothered by his daughter who looks like a slightly better looking Molly Ringwald. I can't emphasize the "slightly" aspect enough! In fact, I thought a lot of the cast looked remotely familiar, but this film was pretty much all of their only roles. Oh well. Unlike your typical genie tales, you need a dumb bracelet to create a link with the genie or else he can just kill your candy ass. I guess Aladdin would have been screwed. Of course Molly Ringwald puts it on just as she conveniently wishes her dad were dead...in a teen angsty way. The genie is a little biotch though and wants to rack up the body count before he grants that wish. That's good because it gives us a chance to bond with the dad and Molly Ringwald first. You know, quality time...like seeing the dad wearing a nightgown with accompanying upskirt shots while the daughter drinks diet pepsi for breakfast! Oh...good...fucking...lord. So you edit things out of a movie and this scene was worth keeping?!

Okay, this is taking too long, give me some fodder! When Molly tries to go to school with her boyfriend we come across a car chase scene involving her ex-boyfriend. What...for real? If this weren't dumb enough, when they get to school they get into an all out brawl as the ex-boyfriend tries to choke Molly. Luckily no one is around to break it up until the last second; you know, gotta give time to introduce all the background friends of Molly while establishing the ex-boyfriend's friend. The two bullies are kicked out of school which apparently means they are simply put on the sidewalk as they telepathically overhear Molly's conversations off screen. Hmm...nothing wrong with that. Conveniently enough, Molly and her class of losers are visiting her dad's museum that day and the bullies are plotting revenge; I don't think this could be any more contrived.

There's like an exposition character who explains that the lamp came from Iraq and is dated to have been made in 3500 BC. Molly's teacher gives us the rest of the exposition regarding genies and how they were originally believed to be evil demons called (d)jinn. Oh, and I have to mention that Molly's teacher is also dating her dad; must have been those sexy upskirt shots working it for her. While at the museum, Molly and her crew of flunkies get it into their head that they want to stay in the museum overnight...to fuck...I guess...I don't know. This is super convenient, because Molly also just happens to get possessed by the genie in order to arrange these shenanigans. Yes, I LOVE it when a movie makes up its rules as we go. The genie also kills a few pesky characters that try to screw up this asinine scheme as well as making it easier for the bullies to tag along. Is there like a specific body count the genie needs to grant wishes? You're killing me here, movie!

Eventually everything falls into place to sneak the characters in for their slumber fuck party. For some reason, this is when the genie stops possessing Molly. Not remember anything, Molly says whatever and carries on regardless. As you would guess, the characters split up to bang but the genie kills them off. I liked that the main strategy for killing everyone was to bring parts of the museum to life. This was an awesome idea. True, they didn't use it to their best advantage, but it was creative and is the best part no doubt. My biggest complaint was that one dude gets cut in half off screen. What the hell?! You can't have a crazy death like that and not show it! There are a few titty shots--just because--but, meh, I'll pass.

The curator dad, along with Molly's teacher, start to figure out something's wrong as they go back to find the kids. By this time, only Molly is left alive as the genie finally appears in the flesh. Umm, let's just say he looks like a failed Chuck-e-Cheese mascot. After killing like 10 people, I guess he's now ready to fulfill Molly's wish. Well, it's about fucking time, dude! She made that wish like 2 days ago you son of a bitch. They try to run from the genie by activating, uhhh, blast doors...or something. This is "Star Wars" now? The dad manages to get a translation off the lamp that conveniently says something along the lines of "in case of emergency destroy the lamp." The genie does manage to kill the dad, spares Molly's teacher for whatever reason, but Molly throws the lamp in an oven. And that's all she wrote for our genie friend. Wow, all that trouble just to kill her dad...imagine what chaos would have ensued had she wished for a pizza! The final shot tries to be ominous or something as Molly thinks she hears the noise from that genie bracelet she had. Uh oh, I smell a second outing! See what I did there?

To sum it up: the acting is weak, the characters are annoying, the film quality is laughably bad, the story is inconsistent and nonsensical, and the genie looks pitiful. In all fairness, this movie is outright terrible, however, it's so bad it becomes amazing! This is just the right blend of cheesiness combined with genuinely good ideas. All the ridiculous scenes feel awesome and the deaths are cool. I liked the use of the museum to enhance the death scenes and it sort of felt original overall. If you love these kind of schlocky '80s movies, this should not disappoint in the least. But if "The Lamp" is the longer and superior version, maybe that's the one we should be watching; too bad this is the easier version to find. Definitely check this shit out for a laugh!

Notable Moment: That ridiculous fight the kids have at school. Exacerbating the over the top nature of the fight was the idiotic car chase that proceeded that scene. Hilarious!

Final Rating: 6/10

What's the Matter with Helen? Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Two mothers of killers try to start a new life together as antics ensue.

Review: Once again, what the fuck did I just watch? I get the feeling I'm going to be saying that line a lot throughout this movie marathon. Besides not making any sense, this movie completely blew its payoff by putting it on the poster. How do you commit a blunder that huge when that's pretty much the only noteworthy scene in the entirety of the film?! Even though this movie was made in '71, it's set in the '30s and definitely feels as boring as films from that era. The main reason I rarely touch on films this old (and older) is because they're all talk and no show for the most part (obviously there are plenty of exceptions). After all, these are called motion pictures for a reason. Enough of the yapping and do something. Alternatively, if you're going to have a movie comprised of nothing but character banter, it needs to have chemistry like Abbot and Costello. What's the matter with Helen? Hell if I know. She's crazy...but wouldn't that be anyone's assumption from the onset? No surprise twist there.

In a nutshell, two women, named Adelle and Helen, decide to start new lives with new identities after their sons are convicted of murder or whatever. Honestly, we hardly learn anything regarding this entire plot device which you'd think would be important or link to a twist--ANYTHING! Adelle opens up some dance school for wannabe Shirley Temples as Helen wants to be her lesbian lover. If you think there is going to be serious shenanigans going on with those two getting together, well, there's nothing like that present although scenes were cut in this regard. When Adelle finds some rich dude to hook up with, this appears to start Helen on a spiral into insanity as she cannot cope with losing Adelle. Believe me, none of this is as straightforward as you'd imagine as you'll need to draw your own inferences. The film tries to introduce pointless red herrings as if we will ignore Helen going crazy and the damn title of the movie itself. The most idiotic of the red herrings is a stalker that wants to kill the ladies. Again, I thought this would be an important plot aspect but all that happens is Helen accidentally kills the dude without even realizing he was that specific stalker. Oh man, you finally give a kill and the alleged crazy person didn't even kill them intentionally?! Yeah, sure, makes perfect sense. Blah blah blah Adelle plans to marry the rich dude which sets Helen off permanently as she kills Adelle and props her up, as you see on the poster, for the final shot. And really, that's all there is to it.

There are like fifty more subplots I'm ignoring, but they surprisingly contribute absolutely nothing to the main story arc. I've honestly never seen anything quite like this. The structure of the narrative is similar to a mystery yet we already know the conclusion up front. All the background bullshit serves no purpose except to steer the audience down a path where they expect a much larger payoff. You could argue the strongest point of the film was to demonstrate how Helen was a repressed lesbian, probably driven crazy due to her overly religious nature, but meh. There are just sooooo many unanswered questions that I would say are pretty damn necessary to fully grasping the film. Why did the ladies' sons become murderers? They imply a connection to Helen murdering her husband but okay. Speaking of which, why did Helen murder her husband out of the blue in front of her son? Did something set her off? Why does Helen have flashbacks to her son's murdering of a girl? Did she participate? So the stalker was just a guy that wanted revenge...then why was he going about it in the most roundabout way possible? Seriously, what the hell was the point of that acting coach guy? Did he die? His disappears from the film altogether at the last second. Why was there a little person out of the blue? My god there were too many weird details for no apparent reason. It's like the twist of the film should have been Helen wakes up stoned out of her mind in an opium den. And don't get me started on all the contrivances.

This film could have been so much more. I understand that scenes were deleted and such, but this is not how you show us a character descending into madness. There was nothing visceral or surreal about the transition. Helen simply flies off the handle quickly, with little buildup, and virtually no true motive. We get more time spent on Adelle's love life and those creepy Shirley Temple rejects than anything. There were a few moments I thought we'd get something deep like when Helen is staring into a fan and feels compelled to stick her hand into it all the while seeing visions of the girl her son murdered. Why weren't there other scenes like this? Eh, I'm sure others can appreciate this film more than I since I have little patience for this kind of drama. Hell, I think I would have even liked the film more if they didn't ruin the ending so blatantly.

Notable Moment: When Adelle mentions Helen "bitched" something up. That's a good one...I'm going to have to use that from now on out.

Final Rating: 5.5/10

The Vagrant (1992) Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: After moving into a new home, a guy believes he is being stalked by a homeless man in the area.

Review: I'm going to do something special for the next 8 reviews so hold onto your butts. I will be covering these two DVD collections from "Shout! Factory" called "All Night Horror Marathon." These sets include four movies each that are of--how shall I say--questionable quality. The movies included are such wonderful and timeless gems like "What's the Matter with Helen," "The Godsend," "The Outing," "The Dungeonmaster," "Cellar Dweller," "Contamination .7," "Catacombs," and, of course, this film, "The Vagrant." Uhh...yeah...let those titles sink in a bit; this is going to be interesting. Of this lot, I've only ever watched "Cellar Dweller" before, and it didn't leave a good impression to say the least. Who knows, maybe we will have a few pleasant surprises! Anyway, I figured the most fitting film to kick this ordeal off would be "The Vagrant" as that's the name of this blog. Oh wait, isn't my google name villainsrule? But then who the hell is this Ryan guy? I'm so confused!

All I can say about this movie is what the fuck did I just watch? I was having nightmarish flashbacks to watching the "Ice Cream Man" or something. Oh man...the early 90s and horror just do not go together. It's like, what on earth were they thinking in those days? To be fair, this movie doesn't necessarily take itself seriously, but it should at least make some semblance of sense, right? And why the hell is Bill Paxton starring in this movie?! Come the fuck on, Hicks! Oh, sorry, Hudson...he's Hicks.

Mr. Paxton plays the most pathetic yuppie in the world, named Graham, as he decides to purchase a home in order to dodge banging some horny real estate girl. Whaaat...am I missing something? Shortly after moving in, Graham discovers a homeless man--whom Graham strangely calls the vagrant--sneaking into his house at night. Graham is unsettled by the vagrant, because he has a grotesque appearance and a sasquatch-esque demeanor. It doesn't take long for Graham to become unhinged as he is obsessively paranoid about the vagrant's agenda to screw with him. He tries to call the police frequently, but they are only interested if the vagrant is pissing in public for whatever reason. Funny...I guess? Graham's best friend and wannabe girlfriend notice how crazy he is behaving, but they are weirdos themselves. Eventually people start to get killed as the vagrant tries to make Graham appear to be the guilty party. The police begin to think Graham is making up the vagrant to get away with his crimes as he becomes more implicated and later arrested after that same horny real estate lady turns up dead.

After Graham is exonerated for the crimes, the film suddenly shifts gear as he travels the country looking for a new place to stay. He ends up becoming the manager at a trailer park but begins to think he and the vagrant may be the same person. Throughout the film, Graham has been having weird dreams with the vagrant--that border on homo-erotic--while also experiencing missing time and confusion. With his sanity in question, Graham inadvertently becomes fuck buddies with some chick just as more killings start up. You know, for a guy who's supposed to be a big bitch, he sure gets a lot of ladies...must be that sexy mullet. Graham, of course, has to then run away again to escape the vagrant. Wow, talk about stretching this film out for the full 90 minutes. Was there even a point to moving into this trailer park other than to kill time? Finally, after traveling to god knows where, Graham discovers the vagrant has been hiding in his car as the two begin a final showdown. The cops, that believed Graham was always the killer, just happen to be tracking him idiotically as he fights the vagrant. We learn some bullshit about the vagrant being a doctor or psychologist, or whatever, as he was trying to do an experiment on Graham to change his personality. I have no idea! One of those cops that followed Graham ends up dead and the other kills the vagrant in a lackluster defeat. The film ends with Graham moving into a new house as they imply he's still crazy.

Suffice it to say, this movie is weird. Nothing makes sense or gets a proper explanation, but I suppose that was part of the comedic aspects. It's not blatantly terrible, but it is an undeniable mess that is full of near-overwhelming levels of stupidity and odd decisions. I felt the overall experience was mediocre, but I'm used to the shittacular nature present in early '90s horror films. You also need a proper understanding of how these weird horror/comedies work. At the same time, I can imagine a cult following behind a story as bizarre as this especially with the corny overacting and rarity to the film itself. Let's just say this is an extremely acquired taste as far as horror films in general are concerned. Eh, perhaps check it out just to see Hudson losing his mind. And by the way, his acting was better in this movie than in "Titanic" and "Twister" combined! Yeah, I went there.

Notable Moment: Maybe when Graham keeps having those weird, semi-erotic dreams about the vagrant. Seriously, what the fuck? Was that intentional, subtly intended, or was the vagrant simply channeling his role from Freddy 2?!

Final Rating: 5/10