Cellar Dweller Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: After a comic book artist inadvertently unleashes an evil monster, a cartoonist continues his work 30 years later.

Review: Ah, remember the good old days when ridiculous titles like "Cellar Dweller" were the norm? Granted, they do make pieces of shit like "Sharknado," but they are viewed much differently. The only thing they missed out on was making a song out of the titular character! As I've said, this was the only film in the marathon I definitely watched, and, unfortunately, it did not even come close to being as amusing as I remembered. There are a few good ideas, and I liked the whole comic book angle, but this was practically as short as "The Dungeonmaster" when there was plenty of room to expand. On top of that, they totally blew it with the cellar dweller monster. He/it is reduced to mostly rocking back and forth in the background, like a fucking rejected concept from "Power Rangers," while they edit in poor death scenes. And there weren't many deaths to boot. To further put icing on the cake, the ending is laughably bad and makes no sense.

The film begins with Jeffrey Combs appearing to think he's still on the set of "Re-Animator." The fuck? Well, Mr. Combs plays a comic book artist who seems to have consulted an occult book for inspiration on his creations. His biggest mistake was summoning the deadly cellar dweller monster who is able to escape the confines of his 2-D prison. But wait, the comic book series that the artist draws for is called "Cellar Dweller" so does that mean the monster has another name? Speaking of which, if this was a mildly popular comic book series, why the hell is the main artist living in a basement in the middle of the woods dressed like a scientist?! For the lulz? So the monster ends up killing some chick, who also materialized out of thin air, as the artist realizes he must burn the drawings to kill the creature. Through shenanigans, the whole basement catches on fire, killing the artist, but the occult book falls into a treasure chest, that magically puts a lock on itself, and no one touches or moves it for the next 30 years. I'm gonna say...legit?

30 years later, we cut to the main girl and cartoonist, Whitney, as she comes to the artist's house that has been converted into, I guess, a kind of art safe haven. They call it a college in the film, but I'm calling bullshit on that. For whatever strange reason, the film tries to introduce lame drama with Whitney, a rival bitch, and another bitch old lady. Oh women. Actually, there are only 6 whole people at this stupid shack. This movie was made in 1988, right? Up that body count, son. When the ladies aren't bickering, we do get a few cool shots of Whitney trying to create her own drawings in a similar vein to that of "Cellar Dweller" which is supposed to be like "Tales from the Crypt." Because the movie lacks tact, they force Whitney into discovering that occult book as she recreates cellar dweller. Essentially, there is no logic to the creature; he disappears and reappears inconsistently and screws around a ton. He looks okay, special effects-wise, but the budget constraints are clear as day. My main problem is that he kills people pathetically, and they all die within quick succession before the film reaches an abrupt end. I like that we see storyboards for each kill as they're happening, but the gore should have been better. The movie half-assed it in regards to setting up the characters as pretentious art weirdos when most only say a few things before dying. There was time to establish these people more or at least time to add more characters to kill. By the end, the monster has eaten everyone but Whitney. Whitney manages to pour whiteout on the drawings and seemingly gets rid of that cellar dwelling bitch. Then she magically draws everyone alive again and--bam--they're alive. But before you can blink everyone dies all over again after Whitney destroys the drawings of cellar dweller. Yeah, sure, whatever...fantastic ending...makes perfect sense.

While there are cool elements in the story, and it almost has that '80s charm, it fails where it counts most. This isn't a bad film, by any means, but it squandered the potential when it was short enough to fill the gaps. This would have worked better if cellar dweller was summoned and then went on a rampage of carnage that somehow incorporated each character's "art." Up the body count by, at least, 3 more characters and then you've got a splatterfest to be proud of. Oh, and for the love of fuck, get rid of that Phillip character while you're at it. Quit fucking smirking in every damn scene with that second, most punchable face I've ever had the misfortune to behold!

Notable Moment: When the one guy has his head ripped clean off by the monster. We needed more of this for sure.

Final Rating: 5/10

The Dungeonmaster (aka Ragewar) Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A computer expert must battle wits with a wizard in a series of challenges to free his fiance from the wizard's clutches.

Review: You know, maybe I have seen this film before; a lot of the scenes felt vaguely familiar, and I have watched like a million movies at this point so there's that to consider. Anyway, like the others among this marathon, there are a bunch of alternate titles to this film so figure that shit out. As for the story, it's not quite how you'd imagine. You would think it's probably like a cheesy game of "Dungeons and Dragons" come to life, but it plays out more like an anthology tale. Each segment has different crews working on them, and everything is pulled together through, mostly, shoddy editing. I understand why they went for this approach, but, at the end of the day, it appears more like a means to pad out the endless opening and closing credits. If you take away the credits we are looking at an hour long movie. Seriously, come the fuck on. The cheesiness is high, and entertaining to boot, but it's not as enjoyable as "The Outing."

You know the story is going to be corny as hell right when you meet the main character, Paul. Being some kind of badass computer programmer, Paul has magically created an A.I. called "X-CaliBR8" that can do pretty much anything. Let's put it this way, this computer can do anything Google, Microsoft, and Apple are doing now except all Paul has to do is verbally say what he wants. Computers really could do whatever a writer wanted them to do in the '80s. Paul also has created a DBZ scouter out of his glasses or something. What, no "it's over 9000!!!" jokes? Paul has a girlfriend, named Gwen, whom he proposes to just as this wizard-ish guy, named Mestema, transports them to a different dimension. Mestema is played by Richard Moll so you know that performance is going to be as over the top as possible. Honestly, I have no idea why any of this is happening except that Mestema confuses technology with magic and sees Paul as a worthy adversary to amuse his immortal boredom. There's something about Mestema being the devil, but I don't know what they're talking about.

Mestema challenges Paul to a series of obstacles in order to free Gwen, but it's okay since he gets to keep his magic computer to help. This is where the different segments come into play as Paul is teleported to different scenarios he must overcome. They squander this opportunity, however, since they spend mere minutes in some of the challenges. Considering that ridiculously short running time, you would think they would utilize their time better but nope. Despite this, a few of the things Paul must battle are interesting and somewhat creative; others are plain stupid and nonsensical. For example, Paul fights a giant statue that comes to life through stop motion animation; it looks cheap, but I appreciate the gesture and imagination. On the other hand, one of the longest segments involves Paul running around an '80s city trying to stop a serial killer; that does not mesh well with the D&D imagery. After the sixth challenge (at least I think it was 6), Paul finally loses and Mestema appears to have won, but Paul challenges Mestema to a one on one brawl without any assistance from magic. As you may predict, the fight is super lame and Paul wins through shenanigans. He and Gwen are sent back to the real world, and that's pretty much the end. Uh, was this meant to be a TV show pilot or something? What the hell?!

Overall, this is along the same cheesy lines as "The Outing" except it lacks the charm and has a slew of problems "The Outing" avoided. This isn't to say the film is bad, but it had a lot of potential that was not capitalized on for the most part. I really loved the gauntlet style of obstacles to overcome, but they should have kept them within the D&D theme rather than branching out all over the place. There were random bouts of nudity as well which was odd to me considering this movie was allegedly PG-13; I know the rating was new at this time but really? All bullshit aside, this would have made for a better TV show special or whatever. I can't quite place my finger on it, but something is surely amiss in this production that stops it from being memorable. I'd say it's just barely worth a view but could have been awesome if the vision, I imagine they had, was fully realized.

Notable Moment: When Paul delivers the infamous, "I reject your reality and substitute my own," line.

Final Rating: 5/10

The Godsend (1980) Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: After a mysterious woman gives birth at their home, a family adopts the woman's hellspawn as their own.

Review: Hey...hey, god, you there? Umm, god...I think you left us a shitty movie here by mistake. I'm just going to send this piece of shit back, okay? This godforsaken film is based on a book, that there is certainly no chance in hell I will ever be reading, but maybe it was better than this monstrosity. I honestly read some reviews on imdb claiming this movie was scary. SCARY?! The only thing scary in this movie is that red headed kid's afro. Oh, that's a good one, imdb--you guys are too much. This movie is painfully boring and a shameless ripoff of "The Omen" to boot. Ughhh. I think it's safe to say this is the worst of the horror marathon's first DVD by far.

I think they had enough material here for, maybe, a half hour TV show...if they're lucky. All that happens is some dumbass family decides to hang out with a weirdo they meet in the middle of nowhere-land. This woman is pregnant and conveniently gives birth that night. She then disappears, leaving the family stuck with the brat. Being the kind English lads they are, they take in the brat as if having four kids already wasn't enough. The brat's motives are vague, at best, and make no sense for the most part. She wants the love of the parents for herself, is seemingly demonic, but they never explain her origin or her goals. The brat kills off the other four kids (technically five) throughout the film, but it's spread out over the course of, something along the lines of, a decade. Wow, talk about taking your sweet ass time to seal the deal. That has to be one of the most inefficient villains of all time. On top of that, the brat lacks any kind of presence or dread you could feel oozing out of Damien for example. The movie also seems to think awkward slow motion zoom-ins make a character appear scary; well, that and vaseline wiped all over the lens. As for the deaths, they are all either off screen, and lame, or hilariously funny like the last daughter to die; picture that pathetically infamous scene in "Mac and Me." As with "The Omen," it's the father who begins to suspect something is not right and tries to get rid of the brat and later kill her. The father was making me laugh when he was trying to rationalize with his wife about why she can't see through the brat's manipulation. Then he quickly gave up and was like get out my way "you stupid woman!" Too funny. The ending of this film is ridiculously stupid as well. Like...one of the worst...ever. I can't emphasize the idiocy enough. The brat is saved from the dad by some old man, then the mom shows up and says she loves the kid anyway, and the screen goes blinding white followed by black and white shots. We are suddenly shown a shot of the father and a doctor walking in a park when he sees the brat's true mom trying to pass another kid to a new family. Magically he loses sight of the woman despite her being directly in front of him. The end. Really? That's how you end this madness? Man, fuck you!

From start to finish this film is terrible. While there may have been an initial sense of tension, that disappears quickly and the story never offers anything else to compensate. There are no twists, revelations, or anything else you would expect or hope to see; essentially, nothing is explained or even really hinted at as to why this is occurring. The story is boring and entails nothing but talking about the most recent kid to die with almost no emotional reaction from the parents despite losing all their kids. The scenes are often incoherent, as if there have been heavy edits, and it's exasperated by the vaseline smeared all over the lens in every other shot. The father's acting was okay, but everyone else was pretty much shit. I don't know how else to sum it up other than to once again refer to it as an uninspired ripoff. Simply pitiful.

Notable Moment: The entire last 10 minutes or so need to be seen to be believed.

Final Rating: 3.5/10