Midnight FM Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: On the her last night on the job, a radio host is tormented by an obsessed serial killer.

Review: This started off intriguing enough, with a cool idea behind the story, but drifted off into the realm of Hollywood cliches somehow. Come on, I thought Korea was known for its edge--this is by the books. I understand that the plot themes borrowed heavily from Hollywood thrillers and vigilante characters, but they should have added that Korean flair to spice it up rather than remaining complacent. Now, I'm not saying this was a bad movie, because it was surprisingly decent, but it needed that extra layer of oomph to make it stand out. Essentially, it's a fantastic first act that builds the tension well, followed by a moderate second act, and ending super corny and predictable; hell, there was even a final one-liner! I think what was missing the most was a big twist or shocking revelation in regard to the killer's identity or connection to the main girl, Sun-young.

The story opens with endless potential as we meet Sun-young on her last night as the host of a show called Midnight FM. They establish a few red herrings early on as not everyone is happy to see Sun-young go...especially a particular serial killer that likes to kill to the sound of her voice. There are a ton of contrivances introduced here and there that are really annoying and certainly hinder the film. For example, Sun-young's daughter can't speak, at the moment, for whatever bullshit reason. I can accept most of the early flaws, because the premise is set up very well and engages you to the situation. Once Sun-young begins the last broadcast, we see the serial killer break into her home and take her sister hostage. Sun-young's daughter, Eun-soo, miraculously hides, but Sun-young's niece is also held hostage while being the world's sleepiest kid as she doesn't even wake when being tied up; does this kid have narcolepsy or something?

The killer calls Sun-young who quickly realizes this situation is more than a joke. The killer proceeds to up the stakes as he wants Sun-young to play certain songs that speak to his perceived connection with her. As various obstacles screw up this process, the killer hurts and, later, kills Sun-young's sister. This is when things start to shift into shenanigans territory. Zany antics lead to the killer finding Eun-soo, Sun-young's crew figures out what's happening, and the police get involved in the classic, inept way they always do. The thriller aspect is played up during this portion of the film, but it's by the numbers action you've seen a hundred times; you know, like, car chases, running on foot, close calls, etc. I feel as though the film toyed with my expectations that there would be a genuine connection between the killer and Sun-young or that this would all come full circle somehow, but it doesn't. The biggest red herrings seriously should have been in on it--give me something...anything! The closest thing to a revelation is that, in the beginning of the movie, Sun-young was in a taxi talking trash and the driver happened to be the killer. Weak and implausible. Gradually, we come to the final scheme which is to put Sun-young in a position where she must kill a guy or else her daughter and niece will be killed. Again, contrivances save the day as Sun-young manages to turn the tables on the killer and ends up killing him in an over the top way. The film oddly lingers on a bit with a weird wrap up, but, hey, at least there was no final zinger.

Don't get me wrong, there are way more positive things about this film than there are negative. It's simply that cookie-cutter action that makes it feel like a letdown. The acting is commendable, the setup is creative, and you do become immersed in the situation. On the other hand, there are a ton of contrivances, red herrings are dumb if they distract from nothing, and there was not a single plot element that hadn't been done before. I guess this is a mixed bag overall, but it's still worth a view. You just need to keep your expectations in check and understand that this feels more Hollywood than Korean, and, yes, there is a noticeable distinction between the two. I don't necessarily mind this, but I know others might.

Notable Moment: When Sun-young slips about there being more than one kid at the exact moment Eun-soo knocks a soccer ball down the stairs. Oh come on. Ahh, the sweet aroma of contrivances.

Final Rating: 6/10

Catacombs (1988) Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: The dumbest demon ever escapes his confines beneath an Italian abbey and the zany antics that ensue.

Review: Whaaaat? What on earth did I just watch? Okay, let's wrap this little marathon up in the way we began: with pure shenanigans. These two collections of films are loaded with a ton of shit. Realistically, the only entry worth seeking out was "The Outing," and that was more for camp value than being a genuinely good film. I was kind of hoping this would be the redeeming film to save the collection, but I was sadly mistaken. I should have known better by the fact that it had a ridiculous alternate title called, "Curse IV: The Ultimate Sacrifice;" yeah...because that's an appropriate title. The main problem is that the editing is a pure abomination. There may have been a good film buried under all the bullshit, but what we got is hard to comprehend.

This is probably going to be impossible to accept, but "Contamination .7" was more coherent than this! You've got to be shitting me. If there was ever a story that embodied the script-in-a-blender phenomenon, this is that film. It feels like they took 20 minutes of nonsensical footage from 5 different movies and mashed them together in an attempt to create cohesion. It didn't work. The story begins during the 1500s when some dude tries to exorcise a demon and fails. This part is exceptionally stupid due to the sheer idiocy of the demon. He starts off chained up and tries to channel his inner-Linda Blair all the while we see random scenes spliced together. Then the demon breaks one hand loose, quite easily, as you think he will kill everyone, but, instead, they seal him in a tomb while his dumbass can't seem to figure out how to get his second hand free. Wow, really? What a fucking clown. Oh and everyone is speaking in Italian without subtitles so thanks for that.

We cut to present day as a kind of cute teacher visits this abbey to do whatever the hell she wants. They try to establish all the different--uhhh--monks (I guess), as the teacher roams around making them uncomfortable. I appreciate the attempt to make the monks feel unique, but this is half-assed and a bunch get written out of the script so what was the point again? Plus, why are these guys on their toes around a little chickadee when there appears to be a sexy, local girl hanging around all the time? For no reason in particular, this local girl is psychic and no one questions this at all. Then there's something with a magic mirror, the demon reawakening, the monks having internal struggles, a horny monk who is dying, and a visiting priest who is touched by god or whatever. Hey, make of that what you will, because I have no idea what the fuck is going on. I'm still trying to figure out who was this creepy old man we kept seeing in random montage scenes. This particular character was kind of scary looking and turned into a skeleton at one point, but I think they forgot to add him to the story. I can picture the costume person saying, "Okay, here's Kayako's Italian uncle, where do you want him..." only to discover filming was already over.

Eventually, characters are killed off in stupid and nonsensical ways as the demon roams around the catacombs pointlessly. Didn't you plan to escape, asshole? Oh, too busy creepily calling out the teacher's name, gotcha. I did like how when one dude is killed no one wonders where he's at; what kind of brotherhood is this? When the leader is killed, it's as if the film skipped, like, 2 or 3 scenes at once. There's something about one monk trying to eat a snickers bar and a Jesus statue kills him. Uhhh, okay. All of a sudden the teacher girl is possessed out of the blue. The local psychic girl comes running to the catacombs like a bat out of hell only to get knocked out immediately; well that was unbelievably unnecessary. That one priest tries to quell the internal squabbles of the monks but must free the possessed teacher too. Shenanigans ensue as the priest in semi-molested by the demon (in male form). Again, the demon thinks he's a badass, but he's more of a punkass bitch. Then the priest uses that magic mirror to kill the demon, easily enough, which frees the teacher, and that's essentially the end. Ugh.

This movie leaves you with like a million unanswered questions, and my theory on the sloppy editing is the best explanation I have for you. While the basics of competent film making are present, as opposed to "Contamination .7," it made even less sense which is pathetic. Is there something I'm missing? Did the studio have like 5 movies on the back-burner and combined them before they went bankrupt? Or did someone legitimately edit this and thought it was perfectly fine as is?! Overall, this film is mildly amusing, but only a fragment of the story makes sense. I'll just give it my classic ending treatment: I show up, kill all the idiots, get the girl, the end. Whew, that's better. Grrr...these horror collections were such a disappointment. I can say with absolute certainty, don't buy these no matter how cheap they are at the moment.

Notable Moment: When that one horny monk is opining over never having sex. Then he says he wants to have sex with god. Ummmm...okay...I got nothing for you, buddy.

Final Rating: 4/10

Contamination .7 (aka The Crawlers) Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Mutated plants run rampant in the middle of oblivion as imbeciles try to stop them.

Review: My Rika, my Rika, why hast thou forsaken me?! After watching something this dumb it's tough to keep your shit together. I mean, just look at that moronic title. Point seven? Really, was that necessary? It doesn't even matter, because that's only one of like a million alternate titles out there. Disturbingly enough, the main indicator of this film's shitacularness was this gem of an alternate title: "Troll 3." Oh no...OH HELL NO! Anything but that! Yes, this piece of shit was made by the same clowns that created "Troll 2" and was intended to be a third entry. I'm not even joking, I kept thinking this felt similar to the--uhhh--style of "Troll 2" before I looked it up for confirmation. I assure you, that is not the kind of bitch-slap to the face revelation you want to discover. That's like learning the kid isn't yours or your parents were siblings! While following in "Troll 2's" footsteps was no easy task, this film tried extremely hard to outshine it and nearly succeeded. Unfortunately, the level of camp and outright shenanigans are lacking in this movie to make it so bad it's good. There are humorous moments, and I was laughing--a lot--but it is in no way a legend such as "Troll 2." I just can't believe this many shitty movies were commissioned by the same asshole. I cannot fathom the possibility that these films made money unless they truly duped the public during the video rental era. AAAHHH!

The best way to describe the sheer incompetence of this film is to address the escalation factor it introduces. In other words, each scene, no matter how ridiculous or stupid, somehow manages to be outdone by the proceeding scene. It's definitely a sight to behold; not going to lie either, the scenes become increasingly funnier as well. To the film's credit, it is slightly more coherent than "Troll 2," but is that really saying much? There's something about a power plant dumping toxic waste in a forest that magically creates carnivorous plants that don't actually eat anyone; they just choke you to death for whatever reason. Needless to say, the special effects are laughably bad as you keep thinking someone is going to get branch fucked ala "The Evil Dead." The acting is horrendous and feels as though they pooled the local talent once again. Dude, if you thought the line delivery was horrible in "Troll 2" you haven't seen anything yet. I think they were trying to rival "Howling VII's" world class actors. Also like "Howling VII," it appeared they were including subplots related to the townspeople's real lives or something. I mean, was there any other reason why the town whore coming to fight the plants was meant to be important? Then there was the one guy who popped up in the film, maybe an hour in, and was suddenly a main character. Whaaaat? And he is the one that ends up saving the day to boot; go figure. Then there is an inside joke about them thinking he was gay or something only to realize he had a wife...I don't fucking know. There are simply too many weird and bizarre nuances that you kind of have to see to believe. The only problem is that I wouldn't want anyone else to suffer what I've gone through watching this shit. In fact, I could spend the next hour running down all the zany antics and idiotic moments, but I want to keep what's left of my remaining sanity. I'll leave you with this though...the film ends with the killer plants seemingly defeated, but then the one chick is attacked by her Christmas tree in the last scene. That's a good one.

Well, you name it, the film failed in that regard; it seriously failed in every feasible aspect of film making. There's nothing else I can add to that except to say the story still found ways to be boring as hell despite the overwhelming moments of idiocy. There was even a kid who looked like Joshua from "Troll 2" and that was annoying me. Where's your damn bologna sandwich, kid? The only positive things I can say are that the movie possesses endless potential to be hilarious, it was not as insulting as the likes of "Asian School Girls," and the landscape shots of Oblivion, Ohio were decent. Ugghhhh. There are only so many shitty movies a man can take before his brain explodes like in "Scanners!"

Notable Moment: Oh man, making me choose the worst scene is like making me choose between my own (imaginary) children! Ugh...I guess the absolute worst was when that helicopter "crashed." Oh dear lord.

Final Rating: 2.5/10