The Haunted Dollhouse Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Three idiotic tales that make no sense that have some aspect of their story relating to dolls.

Review: What the fuck did I just watch?! Few words can describe how stupid this piece of shit is, but I will do my best as always. The first story involves art thieves pretending to be a Hollywood crew scouting out filming locations at some castle. Supposedly this is in Italy yet everyone speaks English and sounds pretty damn American to me. This family that lives in the castle is really weird and more reminiscent of something you'd see in "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" or some movie along those lines. Apparently the castle is guarded by some stupid little puppets that kill evil people, and since the thieves try to rob the castle it isn't too hard to guess the results, huh? The ending gets even more retarded than one may think as some of the family members become zombies, and everyone seems to just go crazy for no conceivable reason. Like most shitty movies, this story ends abruptly. Nothing makes sense, everything looks pathetic, no scares, and not even any potential to waste. The second story is about some prison/jail/halfway house/whatever the fuck for women and some girl trying to get by. Unlike the last tale, this had some potential at the beginning that was seriously wasted. The main girl is beat up by a gang of girls, tormented by a guard, and hounded by the warden or whatever the hell she is. Eventually the main girl's daughter gives her some "worry dolls" that will take away her problems if she sleeps with them under her pillow. Now I'm familiar with this folklore and they had a cool scenario set up had they made the dolls come to life and go after the people she wanted gone. They even made the dolls look distinct with the potential to have an actor dressed up in a costume and exact revenge on each tormenter. I suppose I'm a better writer than these idiots because they went in a completely moronic direction and simply made the dolls crawl into the ear of the main girl and semi-possess her into getting revenge for herself. My god this was torture to endure as I kept wishing it would end already. There are so many cringe-worthy moments and illogical directions in the plot. Big shock, the story ends suddenly and pointlessly. Finally, we come to the only semi-decent story which is actually just 30 minutes of another movie called "Dollman vs. Demonic Toys." The thing about all the stories is that they feel jumpy and that scenes are missing and this may explain it. I wonder if the first two stories were also just shortened versions of other movies? But the thing about the third story is that you immediately notice the change in film quality while the other two did feel recent. Regardless, they're so fucking stupid I would hate to watch the full films! The only reason I even rated this film as high as I did was because what little was shown from "Dollman vs. Demonic Toys" was actually kind of entertaining and because it featured a super hot chick in a nurse outfit! If you're unfamiliar with the "Dollman" and "Demonic Toys" franchises, this story at least catches you up on those pieces of shits; but they are at least the kind of shit so bad it's good. Anyway, the Dollman is some alien bountyhunter who is only a foot tall and he works with a girl who was shrunk by aliens. He teams up with a cop who was trying to kill the demonic toys. For the most part, it is kind of action-packed as the Dollman fights the toys with all the sets designed to be larger than life. Honestly, if this even remotely entertains you, just watch the actual movie instead of the shortened version here. Well, suffice to say, the Dollman kills the dumb toys and the film ends. Just thinking of how stupid this movie is as a whole has me nodding my head in shame. I mean, seriously, what the fuck is this shit? Maybe the first two stories were unreleased films? Whatever, it doesn't matter because this movie sucks in every facet of filmmaking 'nuff said! I cannot express more strongly: DO NOT WATCH THIS SHIT!

Notable Moment: Any time we see Ginger aka Dollchick looking sexy as hell. She definitely knew how to work that nurse outfit!

Final Rating: 3/10