616: Paranormal Incident Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A group of idiotic FBI agents investigate some hospital/prison/mental institution/whatever the fuck that is supposedly haunted.

Review: You will often notice my leniency for movies that are so bad they're good. Unfortunately, this sorry excuse for a film is not one of those. To say that this film is terrible is far too generous...I have honestly watched better home movies than this. This is on par with a movie my sisters and I made when we were little kids which was edited by means of the pause/play button! Bad writing and story. Check. Bad acting. Check. Bad direction, production, characters, pacing, and dialogue. Bet your sweet ass that's a check. But you think it stops there? Oh no, not this piece of shit. They had to take this out of the realm of bad movie and into pure shit territory after all! Let's add horrendous audio whereby you can barely hear half the dialogue. Add a dash of ridiculously blinding shit lighting for good measure. Now round out this recipe for disaster with a predictable and senseless ending! Can you taste that? Yum, tastes like shit! Now, is it the worst movie ever? No, but that's only because they weren't trying hard enough. You see, the absolute worst pieces of shit were trying which makes them so legendary. This was merely an instance of idiots trying to gain more credits on their resume or something, because I can't imagine much of a market for this level of incompetence. To begin, this film is in found-footage style which they probably hoped would mask many of the technical flaws like the lighting and audio issues. It's so pointless too, because even though we are supposedly seeing events through the eyes of the cameras they're using, we have multiple shots that are coming from cameras that are clearly not theirs! Anyway, the story is that there is allegedly some aspect of the FBI that investigates paranormal incidents as some kind of makeshift task force. Imagine a cross between the "X-Files" and the video game "F.E.A.R." You know what, better yet, imagine asking a ten year old to write a script about the government fighting supernatural creatures and they'd probably come up with something like this. This task force or whatever is a complete joke. They are unprofessional, dressed like Han Solo, stupid, and inconsistent in every regard; one minute they're not scared of anything, the next they're screaming like giddy schoolgirls. Not to mention, they seemed completely unprepared to fight anything. Hell, I could take these idiots in a fight that's for sure. I take back what I said in my review for "The Collection," this group is significantly dumber and less capable. So the retarded task force finds some woman lying around and lock her up. For some reason, they believe she is connected to other paranormal incidents throughout history involving the number 616. While this is an obvious ripoff of a thousand movies, I didn't mind it since it was pretty much the only interesting aspect of the film. Big fucking shock, the woman claims to be the devil which is funny because apparently a line a salt can keep the devil at bay! Throughout the film the team is slowly picked off while they investigate...wait, you know, what the fuck were they even investigating?! They have the woman so why are they still roaming around alone even once members of the team start to die? What are they hoping to find at this point? UGH it's sooooo fucking stupid! Eventually the leader of the task force shows up with some flunkies as they attempt to extract the woman permanently. This leads to the woman escaping and killing the rest of the team in the most pathetic of fight scenes. The only survivor is the third in command, I guess, and he is somehow blamed for the deaths even though he clearly has physical evidence he didn't do it? Uh, okay. So the film ends with some random lady (his wife/girlfriend/lover/prostitute/random dumb fuck), which, let me say, has one of biggest mouths I have ever seen, receiving the footage for whatever reason and then the woman/devil shows up for no apparent reason. And that's the movie ladies and gentlemen! Fuck, this movie sucks! Virtually everything about it sucks! It fails on every front imaginable. Even though I hate it more, I think I'd rather watch "Howling VII" over this and that is certainly saying something! Okay, maybe I'm going a little overboard on that one. The ONLY redeeming qualities to this film are some okay looking girls, the 616 connection was okay, and the makeup effects were surprisingly decent; whoever did the makeup effects for this shit, you are leagues ahead of these idiots in talent! I think this is supposed to be like an ongoing plot of some sort for the crew because there's another movie called "Paranormal Incident" with a few of the same characters and actors, while other films from the same crew have the characters and actors in cameos. Eh, whatever. Don't anticipate me watching those pieces of shit anytime soon. Whatever you do, do not waste money on this movie! If you feel compelled to see this shit because you're a masochist, just know it is the boring kind of shitty movie and not the entertaining shit like "The Room." Grr...you've been warned.

Notable Moment: There's too many idiotic moments, but I suppose the absolute worst is when the supposed head of the task force is arguing with one of his goons over who has the keys to the hummer. I mean, seriously?!

Final Rating: 2.5/10