Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!
Plot Summary: Some emo bitch boy wants to rebuild the world using butterflies or some shit like that.
Review: Oh dear lord this film was painful to sit through. It's extremely hard for me to believe that this nonsense was a single script because there seems to be like half of two different movies missing here. If you dare watch, you will understand what I'm talking about. There's just a sense of emptiness and that a big part is missing. Needless to say, the story is a complete fucking mess and borders on pretentious at many times. Tony Stark aka Iron Man, is launching some spy satellite supposedly to help monitor criminal activity with association from S.H.I.E.L.D. You'd think with an opening premise like that they would make the movie more about an ethical debate or that the bad guys planned to hack it or whatever...but nope. Instead the bad guy, Ezekiel Stane, wants to use the power of the satellite to spread his technovores or something like that; Ezekiel is the son of Obadiah Stane aka the Iron Monger. The technovores are some kind of organic machines that seem to be able to do whatever Ezekiel wants including giving him his own super armor or blowing shit up. Since Ezekiel has embedded the technovores into his body, it gives him great powers but also affects his mental state making him believe he's some kind of god. At first much of this doesn't seem so bad, but that's until the many contrivances, plot holes, and sheer stupidity appear. First, we see a band of minions attacking the satellite launch site using their wannabe Iron Man armors. Tony and War Machine eventually kill them all, but they hype up Ezekiel pointlessly since it makes it seem like their an organization only for it to appear Ezekiel is working alone. So who the hell were these goons, why do we never hear mention of them again, when was Ezekiel working on their armor since he has no real lab, and considering how that bitch boy talks, he would not associate with them nor would anyone follow such a pretentious douchebag? Anyway, Ezekiel has ample opportunity to kill Tony but chooses to seemingly kill War Machine instead...uh okay. Once this is done, S.H.I.E.L.D. wants Tony to help them, so they decide to hound him and come close to killing him many times?! Tony enlists the Punisher's help since he wants to track down who would have access to such advanced technology. This is the best part of the film, but I should mention the action scenes are good in the movie (even if they're pointless filler), it's just that the story is unbelievably stupid, nonsensical, and boring. Once again, agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. attack Tony nearly killing him; this really is one of the most annoying aspects to the film. So after losing the first fight, Tony figures somehow because he knows the identity of the enemy is Ezekiel this will somehow allow him to win! Big shock, Tony shows up and immediately gets trapped by the dumb technovores. After a ridiculous explanation for his motivations, Ezekiel loses control because the technovores suck and we needed another lame contrivance to keep the story rolling. Also, Ezekiel seems to have an imaginary friend that makes no sense. Honestly, listening to Ezekiel talk is so painful because he's trying so hard to be philosophical but failing so epically. Now that everyone is with S.H.I.E.L.D. it shouldn't be a surprise that Ezekiel breaks free and starts to kill more people. Oh yeah, you learn War Machine isn't dead but clinging to life which will serve as a huge plot hole later! Butterfly bitch boy begins to lose control of the technovores as they have their own goals all of a sudden? I really don't know. Ezekiel turns into a giant monster that Tony must fight and, once again, he's about to die when War Machine appears out of nowhere! Okay, it's one thing for him to magically have the strength to fight, but where the hell did a new armor for him to use come from?! They just brush it off at the end and say the technovores repaired him! Really...the fucking technovores?! The same idiotic technovores that killed you?! Nice deus ex machina! And what, they rebuilt your armor too while simultaneously trying to destroy the world with some newly found artificial intelligence? Ugh! Keeping with the senselessness, the Ezekiel monster is about to kill War Machine when it conveniently goes through a metamorphosis. Oh, I get it, like a butterfly! Oh wait, it turns into a big marshmallow instead! Yeah, that makes perfect sense. So the marshmallow attaches itself to a building and is somehow using the satellite to spread the technovores into all technology or some shit like that until they just use the satellite to blast it all away or whatever...I don't even care! Blah blah blah contrivance blah blah blah plot hole blah blah blah prententious. The end! This movie sucks so much ass it's hard to believe how it was greenlit! How can you go this wrong with Iron Man?! Was production rushed to coincide with "Iron Man 3" promotions? Other than a few decent action scenes, some of the voice actors, and the beautiful animation that is utterly wasted, there is nothing good about this film. The story is laughably stupid and will infuriate you with how little sense it makes! The contrivances and plot holes are unbearable and, once again, this a film plagued by incessant boredom. I think I may be too generous with some of these ratings. This is definitely an easy pass, and I recommend only renting if you're a huge Iron Man or Marvel fan. Anyone else, stay clear. Ahh, I'm so tired of typing the fucking word "technovores!" Fuck the technovores!
Notable Moment: The few scenes with the Punisher since I liked their approach to the character.
Final Rating: 4/10
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