Laid to Rest Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A masked killer pursues the one that got away in this agonizingly bad slasher.

Review: How on earth do you fuck up this badly? It's almost as if the entire film is improvised or they were writing the next scene right before shooting it. I have never beheld such stupid characters and decisions before in a movie, seemingly, taking itself seriously. Oh, sure, there are occasions like "Howling VII" that eclipse this film in shitacularness, but even that made sense in its own, special, way. This movie, however, is a complete mess with just one idiotic scene after another with little substance stringing it together. It started off so promising too.

I might as well express the only good aspect since this is all anyone brings up: the gore is exceptional using practical effects. Honestly, the only reason why I didn't rate this movie lower was due to this. I have read others defending this movie with the gore as the sole reason it's so great. That's funny. Of course slashers are about the kills, but you need a little more than that to call it a movie. On top of that, the real classics used the slasher formula while telling an awesome story. Mere gore is nothing to brag about and, hell, it wasn't that good to begin with...simply a redeeming quality. If you want to just watch someone die painfully and that's it, watch something like "Flower of Blood and Flesh." There were also a few titties bouncing around and the killer is sort of interesting, but these hardly qualify in the positive category.

As for all the shenanigans...I hardly know where to start. The main girl is borderline retarded. I'm not even joking, they make it appear as though she is mentally disabled after being hit with a baseball bat. She would either be severely injured or dead, but not instantly suffering brain damage yet functioning normally; you can't have both. This might not make a lot of sense from me explaining it, but if you listen to her you'll understand. Or, maybe everyone in this backward town is an idiot naturally. One guy doesn't know what the internet is and acts like a computer is this alien device. Really, dude? But he understands cell phones just fine?! The characters keep putting themselves in situations to get killed, but due to massive and excessive contrivances they continue to live pointlessly. For example, the main girl runs right past the killer and traps herself in a barn with absolutely no reason or a plan...she simply does it for the sake of doing it. But beyond this, the movie keeps introducing bullshit scenarios like not having gas, the police conveniently dead, the one guy's car can't go over 40 mph, the killer's omniscience, etc. It's truly pitiful to watch this shit in action as your eyes keep rolling. I want to say the killer is a complete idiot too, but the guy playing him tried to bring some life to the character with a few subtle nuances; this really is the director's fault. The killer is perpetually dicking around with the main girl for no discernible reason as we see him easily dispense with one of his other captives without hesitation. What makes capturing this girl such a big deal instead of killing her? Well, you have to fill the 90 minutes, I guess, right? The main girl has memory issues, and, even though they don't play it up for shit, you think there will be a reveal as to why the killer wants her so badly but nope. Apparently, she was just some prostitute the killer lured to a hotel room and that's it. Oh good lord. You know, had her identity been a cool twist, I might have been more forgiving of this trash.

The pacing is all over the place, no one seems to think leaving this fucking town is a good idea until the end, we don't learn jackshit about the killer, all the half-way decent ideas are wasted, and the movie flat out sucks! I could go on and on with this terrible movie, but I have to hold back a little...there is the sequel to cover after all! I'll just add one more bit of input: nothing I say could properly explain how moronic every moment of this movie feels. If you stripped away the decent special effects and they had used the stupid CGI blood a lot of movies do, would anyone in their right mind have anything positive left to say about this movie? Obviously this is an easy pass unless your masochistic tendencies demand mental torture. I think I need to lay myself to rest after this.

Notable Moment: The few scenes with Lena Headey. It's not that these were good moments, but, seriously, what the hell is she doing in this shit? If there was ever proof actors must surely owe favors this has got to be that instance. I don't know, maybe Thomas Dekker talked her into it.

Final Rating: 3.5/10