Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!
Plot Summary: Something about girls and a shark and whatever.
Review: What if I told you there was a movie calling itself both "Jaws in Japan" and "Psycho Shark," and then proceeded to show you that movie poster? You'd probably think it will be lame, but hopefully similar to a film like "Piranha 3D" or at the very least be an amusing shark movie, right? WRONG! The movie is actually about a human killer while trying to pull a "Ringu" or something. There is a shark--the worst fucking shark of all time--but it only pops up for the most retarded ending imaginable. Oh, who fucking cares, this movie is one of the worst. Yeah, I know...another one! I promised myself no more shit for a while, but I failed. Never in a million years would I have imagined a movie calling itself "Jaws in Japan" would be this level of off the charts stupid. Besides being a borderline copyright lawsuit, this has to be a form of false advertising. I am livid!
You know, I think I'm going to just rave like a lunatic for a bit. First off, this movie is mercifully short but still feels like an eternity. There is more filler than actual film. I swear to Rika, somebody was just on vacation and slapped together the footage and called it a movie. How else can someone explain this? The story is about girls who go to a shitty hotel or something and a random guy kills them. Fuck, I don't know...I don't care either. One of the girls finds a tape from the last group of girls that were killed like this is the fucking "Ring" and watches it. Then she realizes the guy her friend is hanging out with is that killer. When she goes to help, a giant, piece of shit shark jumps out of the water and eats them all...I guess. Then the film ends with another girl watching the tape. They act as if all of this is scary and creepy; the movie surprisingly takes itself seriously. Forget trying to make sense of anything. There's no point and it's a complete waste of time. The tape appears to be magical and can show different footage upon further viewings which is beyond stupid. Essentially, this was a way to keep rewinding the same scene to eat up more of the running time. Absolutely nothing happens and the blood looks like ketchup. You have no idea what the point of the killers are although I guess they feed the shark...eh, it's ambiguous. Plus, why is the shark a fucking megalodon? That CGI man...my god. I could draw a shark with crayons and superimpose it on film and it would look better than this. I just love how this fucking behemoth can't be seen in shallow water until he magically leaps into the air so he can dive onto the land to eat everyone. They don't even have the courtesy to show this. This is the breakdown of the film: girls frolicking about, repeat scenes a few times, random shitty shots, girl sleeping, more bullshit, more frolicking, more filler, girl sleeping, realize who the killer is, then a shark appears...the end. Oh and another thing is how does the shark get back into the water after beaching itself? This movie makes me want to kill someone...painfully. Okay, yes there are bikini clad girls, and they are hot, but they can't save this shit. Besides, it's not like this movie was meant to be fanservice or pander to the audience. They couldn't even get that much right! There's no nudity so you best stick to porn, son. I will say though, the one girl, Nonami Takizawa, was like exploding out of her top...I honestly think each tit was bigger than her head. If this movie was nothing more than the girls in bikinis jumping around in the water and then a shark ate them during the last shot, that would have been better than this! I just can't get over how much of a fail this was when it seems like this should practically write itself. Imagine how cool this would have been if done similarly to "The Machine Girl." Aaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggghhhhhh! FUCK!
Alright, time to wrap this nonsense up. Hopefully you made sense of that shit I was saying. All you need to know is not to waste your time and definitely not your money. If by chance you want to see the ladies involved, I'm warning you, they simply aren't worth it. Look up photos online or something. This movie is trash in every sense of the word. It plays like a home video with shoddy camerawork, terrible angles where you're looking at feet, and nothing happens except the most horrendous-looking shark on Earth says hello. This ranks right up there with the worst movies I've reviewed, but it gets a few points for all the T&A which is more of a tease than anything. I hate this movie.
Notable Moment: When you see that piece of shit shark. Uuuggghhh. Just thinking about that ending makes me want to kill someone.
Final Rating: 2.5/10
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