Catacombs (1988) Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: The dumbest demon ever escapes his confines beneath an Italian abbey and the zany antics that ensue.

Review: Whaaaat? What on earth did I just watch? Okay, let's wrap this little marathon up in the way we began: with pure shenanigans. These two collections of films are loaded with a ton of shit. Realistically, the only entry worth seeking out was "The Outing," and that was more for camp value than being a genuinely good film. I was kind of hoping this would be the redeeming film to save the collection, but I was sadly mistaken. I should have known better by the fact that it had a ridiculous alternate title called, "Curse IV: The Ultimate Sacrifice;" yeah...because that's an appropriate title. The main problem is that the editing is a pure abomination. There may have been a good film buried under all the bullshit, but what we got is hard to comprehend.

This is probably going to be impossible to accept, but "Contamination .7" was more coherent than this! You've got to be shitting me. If there was ever a story that embodied the script-in-a-blender phenomenon, this is that film. It feels like they took 20 minutes of nonsensical footage from 5 different movies and mashed them together in an attempt to create cohesion. It didn't work. The story begins during the 1500s when some dude tries to exorcise a demon and fails. This part is exceptionally stupid due to the sheer idiocy of the demon. He starts off chained up and tries to channel his inner-Linda Blair all the while we see random scenes spliced together. Then the demon breaks one hand loose, quite easily, as you think he will kill everyone, but, instead, they seal him in a tomb while his dumbass can't seem to figure out how to get his second hand free. Wow, really? What a fucking clown. Oh and everyone is speaking in Italian without subtitles so thanks for that.

We cut to present day as a kind of cute teacher visits this abbey to do whatever the hell she wants. They try to establish all the different--uhhh--monks (I guess), as the teacher roams around making them uncomfortable. I appreciate the attempt to make the monks feel unique, but this is half-assed and a bunch get written out of the script so what was the point again? Plus, why are these guys on their toes around a little chickadee when there appears to be a sexy, local girl hanging around all the time? For no reason in particular, this local girl is psychic and no one questions this at all. Then there's something with a magic mirror, the demon reawakening, the monks having internal struggles, a horny monk who is dying, and a visiting priest who is touched by god or whatever. Hey, make of that what you will, because I have no idea what the fuck is going on. I'm still trying to figure out who was this creepy old man we kept seeing in random montage scenes. This particular character was kind of scary looking and turned into a skeleton at one point, but I think they forgot to add him to the story. I can picture the costume person saying, "Okay, here's Kayako's Italian uncle, where do you want him..." only to discover filming was already over.

Eventually, characters are killed off in stupid and nonsensical ways as the demon roams around the catacombs pointlessly. Didn't you plan to escape, asshole? Oh, too busy creepily calling out the teacher's name, gotcha. I did like how when one dude is killed no one wonders where he's at; what kind of brotherhood is this? When the leader is killed, it's as if the film skipped, like, 2 or 3 scenes at once. There's something about one monk trying to eat a snickers bar and a Jesus statue kills him. Uhhh, okay. All of a sudden the teacher girl is possessed out of the blue. The local psychic girl comes running to the catacombs like a bat out of hell only to get knocked out immediately; well that was unbelievably unnecessary. That one priest tries to quell the internal squabbles of the monks but must free the possessed teacher too. Shenanigans ensue as the priest in semi-molested by the demon (in male form). Again, the demon thinks he's a badass, but he's more of a punkass bitch. Then the priest uses that magic mirror to kill the demon, easily enough, which frees the teacher, and that's essentially the end. Ugh.

This movie leaves you with like a million unanswered questions, and my theory on the sloppy editing is the best explanation I have for you. While the basics of competent film making are present, as opposed to "Contamination .7," it made even less sense which is pathetic. Is there something I'm missing? Did the studio have like 5 movies on the back-burner and combined them before they went bankrupt? Or did someone legitimately edit this and thought it was perfectly fine as is?! Overall, this film is mildly amusing, but only a fragment of the story makes sense. I'll just give it my classic ending treatment: I show up, kill all the idiots, get the girl, the end. Whew, that's better. Grrr...these horror collections were such a disappointment. I can say with absolute certainty, don't buy these no matter how cheap they are at the moment.

Notable Moment: When that one horny monk is opining over never having sex. Then he says he wants to have sex with god. Ummmm...okay...I got nothing for you, buddy.

Final Rating: 4/10