V/H/S: Viral Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: The third entry in the found-footage, anthology series.

Review: Wow, what a huge ass letdown--I was really looking forward to this film too. I loved the first "V/H/S," and even though the second one was disappointing, it at least fit the themes established in part one. This third entry is a complete mess to the point that an entire segment appears to have been cut (Gorgeous Vortex), or saved, for the theatrical release. More so, this film feels watered down in respect to the quality and effort put forth in crafting the stories; perhaps a ploy to appeal to a wider audience? The violence is toned down and implements CGI almost exclusively in comparison to the original's practical effects that established a, borderline, snuff film presentation. Hell, the segments aren't even on VHS for Rika's sake! Kind of defeats the purpose of the premise, don't ya think? The wraparound makes no sense and does absolutely nothing to link the stories in the way the original could. There also appeared to be a distinct attempt at adding humor which, I think goes without saying, was completely unnecessary. Seriously, what the fuck were they thinking with this? Well, let's see what we have here as we swan dive into the shallow end.

Vicious Circles: This segment serves as the wraparound and surprisingly had a lot of potential. Unfortunately, the storyline is so jumbled and incoherent you won't know what's happening, why it's happening, or who are any of the characters...you know, those pesky things incredibly important to basic storytelling! What I can decipher from my viewing is that someone or something is trying to upload the videos from the franchise to the internet. Apparently this will inexplicably destroy the world and is already wreaking havoc in the immediate area as people are affected from watching the videos. The main guy, his girlfriend, and random friends appear to be the cause for all of these shenanigans, but we get only the tiniest of inference in this regard. What we are shown is that there is an ice cream truck driving in circles around the town, and the main guy and the friends try to stop it as the girlfriend is abducted. After finally tracking down the ice cream truck, the main guy realizes that there's a computer setup inside with a comically stupid button that needs to be pressed in order to upload the videos to the internet. A monitor shows the girlfriend beating herself to death unless the guy presses the button which he does. No one else could press this stupid button besides the main guy? This of course leads to the end of the world. That's pretty much all we get, and I'm making assumptions based on what I already know about the franchise; I'd imagine it's more confusing if this is your first foray into the "V/H/S" universe.

I've read fan theories trying to make sense of this wraparound, but I think they are reaching for the stars. The main speculation tends to be that the mystery person who set up the guys in the first film really wanted the tapes in order to make use of their influence when being watched (as shown in part 2). I can't agree with that. The first guys were deliberately shown to be assholes, and someone knew they'd end up getting killed if they went to that old man's house; it seemed like a simple revenge plot. Think about it...the first film mentioned only a single, vague tape, and when the guys got there it was an entire collection. Then, while sorting through the needle in a haystack, the guys were each picked off. If someone legitimately wanted a tape, they would have been specific and warned those assholes of the danger. As for part 2, it made little sense and simply implied watching the tapes too long could make you like the zombie guy from part one. I think it's a bit of a stretch to take such little information and interpret that as an end of the world scheme by means of hijacking an ice cream truck, as you convert the VHS tapes to digital media, then needing a random dude (who probably collected the tapes) to press a Looney Tunes-esque button to upload it to the internet rather than doing it yourself. And if this is what I was genuinely supposed to surmise from the three films, well fuck that shit.

Dante the Great: This was probably the only segment I enjoyed, and it wasn't as good as it should have been. In fact, the story felt like a cross between "Chronicle" and an episode from, one of my favorite childhood shows, "Are You Afraid of the Dark;" more precisely, the "Tale of the Dark Music." I'd recommend checking that episode out since it was one of the best episodes, decently scary, and one of the few instances with a confirmed kill/murder in it. Anyway, the story is about a loser who comes into possession of a magic cloak that can pretty much make you omnipotent. They allude to the notion that Houdini once had the cloak but was scared of its power. So the loser decides to turn himself into the world's most famous magician and becomes an overnight sensation since he's using real magic--hence, Dante the Great. However, the cost for these extraordinary powers is that you must feed the cloak a victim as it's possessed by a demon or something. Okay, maybe they borrowed a bit from "Friday the 13th: The Series" as well. Dante is turned over to the police by his favorite assistant when she discovers the video collection of all the kills he's performed; not sure why he'd keep those but okay. Of course Dante can't be stopped by mere mortals and tries to kill the assistant who knows the cloak is the source of the power. The way she manages to hold her own in the fight is by grabbing the cloak so she can also use the power. Because of contrivances, Dante never kills the assistant when he has the chance and finally decides to feed her to the demon contained within. Don't ask me how, but the assistant manages to summon up magic without the cloak that forces Dante to be fed to the demon. After burning the cloak, it reappears in the assistant's closet and the demon eats her. Yeah, whatever. In the end, this is a decent story with some interesting effects and ideas. They did at least use VHS tapes during this segment, but that is ruined by the fact that the story is presented in a documentary style which is completely contradictory to the theme of the damned franchise! Nobody thought that was a problem?

Parallel Monsters: I really wanted to like this entry, because it had an imaginative concept, but it was too nonsensical to tolerate. A, seemingly, genius inventor has created a gateway to a parallel universe at the exact same moment his other self bridged the gap. Basically, this segment requires suspension of disbelief in godlike proportions. The two geniuses talk to one another momentarily about how similar their lives are and decide to spend 15 minutes in each other's world. I don't know about you, but an alternate version of myself is one of the last people I'd ever trust! Upon entering the other world, the inventor notices immediate differences despite having the same house and furniture. We come to learn that this is a kind of satanic world, where people glow randomly, coupled with the idea that humans have evolved to be more dangerous sexually; this translates into males having tentacle-like dicks with a mouth or hand or whatever the fuck, and the chicks have Venus flytrap cooters. Uhh...okaaaay? The inventor from our world tries to get the fuck out while the other version tries to fuck our inventor's wife. Our inventor beats up the other world's wife, and when both return to their own world their wives kill them. Riiight. Let me get this straight: in a parallel world, where humans evolved differently and can glow, they still somehow created a form of satanism, practice it--and, in light of this, the inventor lived the same life as our guy, married the same chick, lived in the same house, bought the same furniture, speaks the same language, and invented a machine to open up dimensions at the exact moment in time as our guy?! Sounds legit. Suffice it to say, creative premise, but the implausibility and outlandish nature of the tale is hard to get past.

Bonestorm: Finally, we come to the worst of the bunch. I feel as though they were trying to harken back to the likes of "Evil Dead 2" but failed miserably to capture the balance between comedy and horror. The story is that a couple of dumbass skateboarders are being filmed by a random dude wanting them to get hurt. Somehow they are talked into going to Mexico with an extra kid in, what I'm assuming was, an effort to increase their chances of getting hurt for the footage. While in Mexico, the kids find a place to skateboard around which just happens to coincide with a satanic ritual to bring forth or awaken a demon or the devil or whatever. A witch-like lady rips off the camera guy's arm and then a bunch of zombie acolytes attack the skateboarders. The skateboarders manage to beat up all the minions and kill them numerous times, but they keep returning in a slightly more zombified form each time. I guess it's supposed to be funny that these kids are kicking ass; the only thing that made me laugh was that they kept referring to their extra guy as "gas money kid" or simply "gas money." Eventually the two skateboarders escape, but the demon thing is awakened and the segment ends. I don't know about this one. It feels like it was deliberately made to pander to the CoD demographic--kids who probably never even watched a VHS tape in their life. I could almost get behind the sheer, zany antics of the scenario, but it was too long, too stupid, and I have a special hatred for anthologies putting their weakest entry last.

I did want to mention I have no plans in paying for a theatrical viewing simply to check out "Beautiful Vortex" (assuming it's included to begin with). Even if it's the, hands down, best entry...at best, I'd change the rating up to a 6/10. Honestly, the only reason I rated the film this high already was due to the "Dante the Great" segment. Overall, the stories were a noticeable downgrade even from part 2, the film didn't remain true to the franchise, and it's simply not worth your time unless you're a diehard fan of the other two films. If this is the last entry in the franchise, I don't think anyone will care when the quality has plummeted this significantly from film to film. Oh well.

Notable Moment: When Dante and his assistant are fighting over the cloak. It was cool in theory, but the idea was not entirely thought out it would appear.

Final Rating: 5/10