Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!
Plot Summary: The horniest boy on earth and his teddy bear decide to kill off his tormentors after discovering a hole in the ground with carnivorous monsters inside--yeah, I just wrote that.
Review: You know that feeling when you have a hazy memory of seeing a movie as a kid? Like, all you can remember is one noteworthy scene or questionable aspects of the plot? Well, this film is one of those instances for me. Hell, I don't even know for sure if this is what I'm imagining; all I distinctly remember is a boy talking to his teddy bear and the doll talking back. If there was another '80s movie where this happens, please let me know! Regardless, I'm going with it, and what can I say--this movie is bizarre. This is another circumstance where someone had to be dropping acid to envision this kind of a plot; sane people don't just think this shit up. Although I can forgive shenanigans quite readily, the film keeps bouncing back and forth between serious and odd, comedic moments. I think this could have been surprisingly good had they simply played the boy as some kind of serial killer and presented a visceral point of view where the supernatural elements are in his head. Instead, the kid simply comes off creepy and little else makes sense.
Like I said, the main kid, Jamie, is soooo fucking horny, but no one simply comes out and says this. He's also well known in the town for being a pervert and peeping Tom; all at the ripe old age of 12! This is why a movie like this can't exist now, because all he would do is look at internet porn all day long. Anyway, contrivances are dictating that the parents leave town or whatever while Jamie is looked after by his millionth babysitter/nanny. Brace yourself, but here's a radical idea...what if, I don't know, maybe you hired a guy instead of college girls, you wouldn't have to worry so much?! If your kid is the town pervert, stop feeding his obsessions and maybe this kid needs a little male advice as well. And come on, no sooner have the parents introduced Jamie to the babysitter he's getting an upskirt shot! Those contrivances, I tell ya. If the situation weren't weird enough, Jamie's only friend is a teddy bear that telepathically speaks to him; and the teddy bear is like just as horny! "Ted," I think you owe somebody a royalty check.
It's probably easy to accept Jamie as the film's villain, but they keep trying to make him sympathetic and I hate mixed messages. The kids in the town are assholes. For example, one girl keeps fucking with him after he asked to ride her bike one time. Then another kid beat Jamie up simply for trying to befriend the boy. Let's face it, no one is going to feel bad for any of these idiots either. Worse, that babysitter keeps fueling Jamie's horniness (not a word?) by wearing skimpy clothes (really, a see-through nightgown and you're naked underneath?!) and talking about how she likes him. Eww. That's another thing, the awkward perversion is all over the place here, and it felt as though they were holding back too. Anyway, Jamie stumbles across these creatures that are trapped in a large hole in the ground. It doesn't take long for him to realize they only eat meat which is stupid since shouldn't these freaks have died of starvation by now? It shouldn't come as a shock, but Jamie decides to feed the people that have messed with him to the creatures. Again, they keep his motives ambiguous as he keeps saying he doesn't want to kill good people or animals--just the people that messed with him.
So Jamie kills that bratty girl with the bike, an old lady, the babysitter's boyfriend, the kid who beat him up, and that kid's little girlfriend. All the deaths feel comedic with clownish music for whatever reason. However, it's especially awkward when Jamie kills that one kid's girlfriend since he somewhat strips her clothes before feeding her to the creatures. This scene comes off extremely disturbing, and, keep in mind, this girl is like 12 tops. Don't worry though, the teddy bear is encouraging all of this. Eventually, with everyone disappearing, the babysitter wants to find out what's happening and is shown the creatures. But, like an idiot, she falls into the hole and gets eaten. I was hoping this would be the point when we'd realize the creatures aren't real, and they were made up as a way for the kid to cope with his murderous tendencies. Nope. Jamie all of a sudden becomes a genius serial killer as he plants evidence on the babysitter's second boyfriend (well, that was quick) to frame him for the disappearances.
Toward the end is when this film completely lost whatever story it was trying to tell. Jamie leaves a rope for the creatures to use since he doesn't want to feed them anymore people. The creatures then go on a killing spree as the cops take center stage trying to catch them. Instead of reporting these creatures to some scientific journal and becoming famous, the cops and random imbeciles decide to blow the creatures away, bury the hole over, and call it a night. Well...okay...sounds plausible. Next thing you know, Jamie and the teddy bear are hanging out with his grandma when he meets a little girl to befriend or whatever he plans to do. Since we gotta close this shit out with a zinger, the girl leads Jamie to another hole with more of the creatures and pushes him in. Oh geez. Yeah, she's clearly thought this murder out. What kind of idiot would murder someone they were seen with only 2 minutes after meeting them? Come the fuck on! Plus, more of these godforsaken creatures trapped in a hole? How the fuck did these dumb things live this long without the murderous charity of humans? More importantly, what is going to happen with teddy?! Actually...uhh...did we ever get clarity on whether that teddy bear was really alive or not? It's obviously implied it's Jamie's imaginary friend, but why did they have that shot of it moving on its own with the babysitter?
Umm...this is script in a blender at its finest. We've got Patrick Bateman: the Early Years, a '50s b-movie, a helping of Chucky, and some crazy writer's, seemingly, real life fantasies. If this was the movie I've been imagining, I blocked all this shit out. I just wanted to find a nice, innocent little film about a boy and his teddy bear! I got a hell of a lot more than I bargained for. As surreal and strange as this film can be at times, it's not entirely bad. It keeps your attention that's for sure, but they inconsistently take the material seriously. It's almost as if they realized the potential this film had to be truly dark and had to keep downplaying the scenes with terrible music and random bouts of idiocy. If you like offbeat tales that make little sense, then check this out. If not, well, you're not missing much.
Notable Moment: When the babysitter's boyfriend dies. Yeah...just fall right into a giant gaping hole in the ground during broad daylight. I know he was supposed to be dumb, but was he supposed to be a fucking idiot too?!
Final Rating: 5/10
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