Insidious: Chapter 3 Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A couple years before the Lambert family haunting, Elise tries to help a girl tormented by a malevolent spirit.

Review: I don't have nearly enough hands to bitch-slap all the people claiming this is the best entry in the series. My goodness, this movie was terrible! One might even say it was insidious how stupid they chose to take the direction. I was genuinely excited about this movie--I wanted this to be good! The script is a whirlwind of ideas that are never fleshed out, the scares are weak as fuck, the villain is pure idiocy through and through, and I don't think they understand the purpose of a prequel. Other than the usual polish and technical feats from this series, this was laughably bad. Not only is this easily the worst of the three, it cannot be compared in any shape or form to the first "Insidious." Hell, I was laughing during multiple scenes--they were almost too insultingly dumb to tolerate. Just...wow...I can't believe this franchise has fallen this fast and hard. A part four is a given but count me out after this inept display.

First up, the prequel aspect was nonsensical. Who cares what was going on immediately up to the Lambert family haunting? Was there any indication that there was material to explore here? It's not as if this somehow explains the Lambert family haunting or ties up a loose end. Hell, I thought they would at least address what Elise saw at the end of "Insidious: Chapter 2," but we don't even get that explanation! Instead we get useless backstory on Elise that feels shallow as hell. Her husband committed suicide and now Elise can only see the Bride in Black when she uses her powers? Whaaat? Why? We get no explanation at all. You'd think if you're going to take the time to introduce these plot lines, you would then explore them, right? RIGHT?! And Elise just started working with Tucker and Specs a couple years ago? Again, why? Their relationship was interesting and would have been better served as long-time friends. All of this is essentially pointless--a more appropriate use of a prequel would be to explain something that needed to be explained or show a story that connects to the main focus of the "Insidious" franchise. None of this fits those qualifications. A better idea would have been to get that chick who played young Elise back and explore her early works or discovering her power.

Second, this ghost, or demon as they claim, is the least thought out of all the villains. I've read people swearing he's the coolest and scariest. Say what?! He looks scrawny and weak--he's the least intimidating of the bunch. Even Darth Maul has a level of scariness due to him being a demon. This brings me to my problem with taking "Supernatural's" idea that evil humans become demons. Ugh, no. This takes away a level of scariness most people cannot fathom. An evil human, no matter how sadistic, psychotic, and a sociopath, is still just a human. A demon is pure evil beyond imagination. It was never alive and therefore cannot be understood as a human could. It's hard to properly express, but there is a distinct difference. "Supernatural" and now "Insidious" imply that it's a matter of power level, and you better believe it's OVER 9000!!! Okay, so then why wasn't the Bride in Black a demon? Not a high enough power level? And does this mean that Darth Maul only looks like that because his human form looked like that? Oh Rika, no, please don't tell me we will get an explanation as to why he's known as the "lipstick-face demon!" Speaking of which, what exactly was this particular demon's origin? We get absolutely no backstory except he died in the building "a long time ago." Well, it couldn't have been that long ago since he looks like a modern hospital patient. They imply he likes young girls, but I think we need a little more to go on than that. Were they even trying?

Third, the scares feel rehashed with the Bride in Black popping back up, that vampire-looking dude seemingly appearing at the end, and, of course, Darth Maul going boo for no discernible reason. This demon, the man that can't breath, aka wimpy Darth Vader, wasn't doing much that I would consider creepy. In fact, his best moments were only in the beginning when he was lurking in the shadows. However, he is shown in the flesh far too early, and it was not impressive. If you take an objective look at the movie, he really doesn't do much either compared to the previous villains. By the end, they essentially gave up on scares and decided to turn this into an action movie. This leads me to my next point...

Fourth, Elise is literally fighting the demons! You're shitting me, right?! Look, Lin Shaye looks really great for her age (71), but I can't take her seriously. When she's giving one liners and doing a battlecry, this is turning into self-mockery. Few words can express the unbelievable idiocy of these cringe-worthy scenes. I was bursting out laughing in the worst of ways. This is shit I would expect from the moronic "Scary Movie" series.

Fifth, the main plot, if you want to call it that, is a trainwreck. The acting is not very good at all with some horrendous line delivery. Many characters exist for little purpose other than padding and disappear as if the movie forgot they existed. For example, you have the main girl's loverboy, her best friend, the pointless death of the cat lady, etc. These people serve no purpose whatsoever. They are introduced as if something will happen to them or they will play a significant role but nope. Even the little brother keeps disappearing and reappearing from story! Does he live at this apartment or not? And this haunting is flimsy at best. The main girl tried calling out to her dead mom and a demon suddenly became attached to her--stealing half her soul? Uhh, how does one steal half a soul?

Sixth, you're really going to introduce heaven in the third entry? Part 2 gave us the implication everyone ends up in "the further" in some capacity. I guess not anymore. The ghost of the main girl's mom seriously saves the day as she appears to empower the main girl. So contrived...so stupid...this is getting out of hand. Plus, what the fuck were they talking about with the mom wanting the main girl to find a letter? Whaaaat? Where did that come from--a deleted scene? This was supposed to be the climax and it's a sloppy mess. I don't mind the idea of good spirits finally showing up to help against evil ones, but look to the likes of "Ju-on: The Grudge 2" in how to do it with subtlety. And when the mom does get to say what she wanted to the main girl, it feels straight out of "The Sixth Sense" when Cole tells his mom about the grandma's ghost.

Absolutely do not believe the hype yet again--this was an utter disappointment from start to finish. Nothing makes any sense and the story was unnecessary as a prequel. The only real reason this film should have existed was to establish why part 2 ended in the way it did, and this film couldn't even do that much correctly. Elise is a cool character, but what little more we learned about her is hollow and pointless. The atmosphere and scares are simply not present. The man who can't breathe is forgettable, weak, and lame especially in comparison to previous villains (Kayako would wreck this fool!). In essence, this film failed in almost all regards. The only reason why I'm letting it go with an average rating was due to technical accomplishments and a few things it did do well enough. Stick with the first "Insidious" and pretend that was the end of it.

Notable Moment: "Come on, bitch!" -Elise Rainier: Action Hero

Final Rating: 5/10