Children of the Living Dead Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Something about an intelligent zombie and waiting years to attack...I have no clue, dude.

Review: Now we come to the sixth torturous entry from the 8-pack with "Bloody Murder." For years I heard this particular film touted as one of the worst movies ever, but it was nowhere near the horrendous levels of garbage like "Howling 7" or "Asian School Girls." In fact, it's not even the worst movie from this set. Don't get me wrong, this is an absolute piece of shit from start to finish with one of the most incoherent plots I could fathom, but it had a few redeeming qualities that kept it out of the 2/10 and below categories. Hey...small victories, right?

I seriously have no fucking clue what was happening in this movie. They obviously wanted this ridiculous story to be in the Romero universe, but that was clearly not happening. What I think really happened was yet another instance where someone stole my friend's brother's story. You may be wondering why I always bring this idea up with terrible zombie movies. Well...that's because it's the only subject he would ever write about--him and his dumbass "friends" fighting zombies and saving the day...usually from me humorously. In one story he had, as he called it, a "head zombie" that would wander off and create more zombies. That's actually what happens here! The movie opens with a bunch of guys fighting off a second zombie outbreak; the first outbreak implied to be "Night of the Living Dead." Somehow this all started with a, seemingly, intelligent zombie named Abbott Hayes. Yeah, get used to hearing that name a hundred times. This Abbott guy magically has superhuman strength and plots to, I guess, take over the world. Believe me, this makes abso-fucking-lutely no sense. When Abbott is literally the last zombie alive(?) they just casually assume he died and never look for the body or anything. Love it.

For whatever reason, they introduce the notion that zombies won't eat kids. I think Abbott was supposed to be grooming a few kids or whatever. It's ill-defined, but a bunch of kids get rescued so that the title of the movie can exist. We then cut to 14 years later, for no particular reason, as those kids have grown up. Just when you think the movie is setting up its fodder characters, they are all inexplicably killed by Abbott in one of the most laughable car crash sequences put to film. Instead of burying the bodies they are left out to air in the wind. That's a good one. That night, some grave robbers show up just as Abbott turns the dead kids into zombies. Even though one of the grave robbers gets turned, the other one decides to never tell anyone about this. Oh...(sigh)...fuck. Then we cut to another year later! What the hell? This is the worst zombie army ever conceived and apparently it takes 15 years to recruit a handful of people. The only positive I can say is that the Abbott zombie does look cool, and the other zombies look acceptable.

Next thing you know there is a plot to move the graveyard in order to build a car dealership. Just go with it. There is a terrible romance subplot as well that made me want to blow my own brains out. Through far too much shenanigans, the zombies finally attack and there is a pitiful showdown. Of course Abbott escapes in a cornball, sequel-bait ending. Yeah...'cause that's happening. The casual nature to everything is really some kind of next level stupidity. I guess they were also trying to be cutting edge with half the dialogue horribly dubbed due to editing failures. There are amateurs in film school that could pull off better shit than this.

What the hell were they thinking with this abomination? The story is a complete mess, absurdly stupid, and feels like a script stolen from a 12 year old. The audio is more horrifying than the zombies with hilarious dubbing and shit sound quality. The hand-me-down cameras make everything look like it has been given a nice coating of grease, and the acting is on par with one of those elementary school plays you go to just because you're the kid's parent. The only saving graces are the competent makeup effects and a few respectable gore scenes and special effects. To sum it up: this movie is utter shit and a waste of anyone's time or, heaven forbid, money. However, and I hate to defend this trash, it doesn't live up to some critics' claim of being the worst movie in the world.

Notable Moment: When some jackass blows himself up. Love the nonchalant reaction to this as well.

Final Rating: 3/10