Severed (2002) Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Do you ever wonder if, perhaps, you've died and gone to hell without realizing it? No? Well, you will after watching this movie.

Review: Oh hell no. Rika, NO! It has finally happened...I have found something as shitacular as "Howling 7!" How...wha...umm...who? FUUUUCK. Let's get one thing out of the way, this is the seventh entry in the 8-pack with "Bloody Murder." And, seriously, how much shit can you cram into one set? It should be a crime to charge money for this DVD. These movies, and I use that term loosely, are all abominations to cinema. What ungodly creature is out there funding this trash?! If you contributed more than $10, I'm sorry, but you were scammed--demand your investment back. I am embarrassed for everyone involved in this production.

So what is the "story?" Uhh...something about a serial killer called the Head Hunter running around decapitating people. I guess he's supposed to be a voodoo demon or something...it makes little sense. The cops hire a bounty hunter who used to work for the FBI, because surely that will make the difference. Shenanigans ensue until the main guy kills the Head Hunter, but he's possessed by the demon or whatever at the end. There you go...what a film. Believe me, I have done you a service in explaining that nonsense in a succinct way. Following the plot is quite difficult since the lighting is the worst I have ever seen! No exaggerations. No jokes. This is the absolute worst lighting--you cannot see half the godforsaken movie! Not that you'd want to, but, still. It's pretty damn atrocious when your best lit scene is in a mall parking lot. The "acting" is a cruel joke with horrendous line delivery and occasional dubbing over; however, believe it or not, it's just a tad above "Howling 7" in this respect. The camera work and picture quality is akin to someone's mom filming their kids playing in the snow in 1992. The sound is a mess; it's as if they only had access to AOL instant messenger soundbites from 1998. There are also instances where they comically forget to add sound. I really don't know how to explain it--the technical aspects are the worst that could possibly be achieved outside of someone randomly pressing pause or seeing overlapping tape (which is why I've yet to dish out a 0/10 or a 0.5/10). Needless to say, the story is something an emo 14 year old would come up with and probably did.

As I tortured myself with this teeth-pulling experience, I kept ticking off thresholds it was crossing. It was like, "Oh, there goes 'The Haunted Dollhouse.' And there goes 'Asian School Girls.'" When they finally had the Head Hunter start talking was when it hit me this was as horrific as "Howling 7." That was a hard truth to come to terms with. My fucking goodness. One important difference I want to stress is that "Howling 7" can be funny to the right audience. This blight to humanity, on the other hand, is not nearly as entertaining. I don't know what else to say. This is currently the second worst movie I've ever forced myself to endure. If you're even half familiar with my past reviews, you should know how much weight that statement carries! The overwhelming levels of stupidity of this film will leave you questioning reality itself.

Notable Moment: When the main guy shoots some criminal at the beginning. Not only is he using, what appears to be, an Uzi with a suppressor attached, but it makes a shotgun sound accompanied by the shot guy using a soundbite scream. In other words, I died of laughter.

Final Rating: 1/10