Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!
Plot Summary: Honest Abe starts off killing vampires with an axe and then with his politics...what could possibly go wrong?
Review: The first time I tried watching this, I made it about 5 minutes in. This second time...I don't know what the hell I was thinking. My goodness, this was fucking HORRENDOUS! After all these years, and thousands of movies under my belt, I need to trust my gut reaction. They say the book was significantly better but oh well. The combination of editing and pacing was giving me a seizure. Please, for the love of all that is holy in this world, stop with the ADHD crowd-pleasing. Come to think of it, I'm getting a migraine by simply reflecting on this shit.
I've read other reviews hide behind the excuse of "It's a movie about Abe Lincoln killing vampires...what did you expect?" How about plot consistency at the very least? To suspend one's disbelief, it's up to the storyteller to make things feel plausible or at least remotely possible. Instead, all it takes to become inconsistently superhuman is to tell the truth, and you can chop down a tree with one swing; in fact, the tree explodes! But don't worry, if the script demands it, Abe can be subdued by a chair. A chair. In fact, becoming superhuman for no reason can be transferred to your friends...just not any secondary characters. Gotta take that plot armor to the next level. I mean, we are shown vampires who can run as fast as a horse (faster really), can go invisible, have herculean strength, and are borderline invincible. Yet...a couple humans can hold their own against them and kick their ass...because...? But don't think I'm simply hung up on this idiocy alone. Oh no, baby. The main villain is killed by a single punch. That's so stupid I almost like it. The death of the bad chick was also so bad that it was quite funny really. The train sequence and fake betrayal were both painful. Not to mention, I love that scene where a carriage comes crashing through a wall, does a 180, and Abe Lincoln and flunkies escape. Beautiful. Let's not forget that vampire lore is kind of thrown out the window and that the characters don't understand imagination. If vampires can't kill each other, but they want to, why not simply set up scenarios where they are killed indirectly? Fuck, tie one up and leave him on the train tracks! And that ending...my fucking god that ending. It's all sad and stuff like "Oh no, Abe if you just became a vampire you wouldn't have been assassinated!" Nah, forget that this guy was able to take on a goddamn vampire army but can die to a human with a gun. Arrrrggghh. This preschool version of historical events was told from such a modern perspective that I can almost picture dumbasses walking out of the theater questioning whether this could have happened:
Kid (might as well be college-age by today's standards): Hey dad, did Abraham Lincoln really fight vampires?
Dad: I don't know, my androgynous offspring...maybe he did.
I planned to dig a lot deeper into this film's pitiful problems, but I really don't care enough anymore. I'm giving it a mediocre rating, because it does have a few entertaining moments and ideas. There are legitimate positives as well such as the actors trying to work with the script. If you want to view this garbage as a popcorn flick, have at it, however, you should question the sanity of anyone purporting this as good. Fundamentally, this is a stupid and terrible film from start to finish with outlandish scenarios, unbelievable situations, ugly CGI everywhere, and still manages to bore despite the aneurysm-inducing editing.
Notable Moment: That idiotic horse chase scene. This moment perfectly encapsulates why I hate this movie. You have that shitty CGI, a vampire clearly demonstrating god-like abilities yet Abe can match him...somehow, and Abe manages to "catch" a horse thrown at him, mount it, and turn the tide of the fight all within a split second! If this were intended to be a comedy, I'd give this film a 10/10!
Final Rating: 5/10
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