Hellraiser: Revelations Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Pinhead paces back and forth as a dysfunctional family experiences zany antics.

Review: Well, if you didn't think it could get any worse than part 8, here comes "Hellraiser: Revelations" to change all that! The best way to imagine this trash is to picture a shitty youtube parody of the franchise...then drop the production quality and budget to pittance. I mean, this is fucking horrendous. Sure, it's not the worst film I've reviewed over the years--big whoop--but this was still exceptionally bad; one might even say a total disgrace. I was waiting until this moment to address Doug Bradley who has been playing Pinhead over the decades. While I don't feel he was completely necessary, you certainly feel his absence with this laughable poser taking over the reins. Mr. Bradley brought a certain presence and gravitas to the role that this wannabe couldn't possibly begin to fathom. I've legitimately seen more intimadating cosplayers. The makeup effects are severely lacking and the filmmakers have no concept of effective lighting. Fuck...I just want to send everyone involved in the production straight to hell!

The story hurts my brain just to think about it. There are these two idiots who go to Mexico for drugs and hookers and somehow come across the puzzle box. Fake Pinhead pops up and takes one to hell while the other starts to kill more hookers...because...? This also magically brings the other friend back to life similarly to Frank and Julia except that's not really how things work. Sometime later, the families of the two friends are having dinner when shenanigans ensue. The "revelation" is that the one friend sent to hell takes the skin of the other guy which creates confusion for the families. Then, in an idiotic move that boggles the mind, the guy who escaped hell summons Pinhead again thinking he will be forgiving...because...? Taking stupidity to another level, they make Pinhead get all pissy when he's denied a soul by one of the parents. Keep in mind, the majority of this idiocy is occurring in some living room; everything looks and feels embarrassingly low-budget. The film mercifully ends with some bullshit about the one sister wanting to open up the puzzle box...because...? Thank goodness the running time was roughly 70 minutes...I don't think I could have taken another moment.

Needless to say, this is a miserable entry that tarnishes the "Hellraiser" legacy even further. There are explanations for why this entry is such insufferable shit, but I don't forgive it. I hated every single second of this movie and incessantly thought about tearing a few souls apart. And why the fuck was there a Pinhead junior?! If I wasn't so annoyed I would have been laughing at the outlandish stupidity. Needless to say, do not waste your time (and especially money) on this tripe. And this is the end for the moment. What a beautiful descent into oblivion this has been too. Supposedly there is a tenth movie coming, but I have zero confidence in it. Clive Barker has been discussing both a remake and permanent end to the franchise so I guess we will stay tuned until (or if) this ever comes to fruition. In the meantime, just stick to parts 1 and 2 and maybe 6 if you have the tolerance.

Notable Moment: That moronic incest scene. Like...what the fuck were they thinking? Who am I kidding, of course they weren't thinking!

Final Rating: 3/10