Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!
Plot Summary: A sickly man and his wife return to the island where he was born in order to uncover the secret surrounding his birth.
Review: This was probably the most quoted movie by my college crew and I back in the day. I don't remember why we all sat around to watch this shit, but it was an experience to say the least. There isn't even anything particularly special about this film although it does kind of border on so bad it's good territory. I mean, you've got shit audio, laughable dialogue, shitty creature effects (dubbed "stupid little ETs" by my roommate), nonsensical character decisions, and a plethora of other technical and story-related problems. In essence, "Bleeders" is a fucking mess, however, despite these issues, it kind of has a special place in my heart. And there are a few legitimately good aspects such as trying to incorporate a cast of quirky characters like "Baby Laura," the little kids, the town ho (presumably), etc. as well as that shitty dialogue being amusingly quotable. Hey, sometimes you have to look on the bright side!
The story is utterly preposterous with some incestuous family moving to an island hundreds of years ago. Over time, and a lot of inbreeding later, this family has transformed into these deformed, hermaphrodite creatures that I will refer to as little ETs. A doctor and his nurse discovered the little ETs somehow bred a normal-looking boy and took him away. Now as an adult, named John, he has returned to the island with his wife to seek answers. Much of the story is comprised of nothing more than shenanigans related to the islanders, but I'm okay with that I guess. Apparently John-boy here is dying from blood poisoning since he is lacking an integral part of the little ETs diet: formaldehyde-soaked meat. Yeaaaah, makes perfect sense. It would seem the little ETs have tunnels under the island that lead to the cemetery where they get all their food. Unfortunately for the islanders, the bodies were all dug up due to shoddy caskets or whatever. Since the little ETs are starving, they attack the islanders which is a beautiful coincidence that Johnny has shown up at this precise moment in time. So the islanders decide to fight the little ETs which is hilarious since they pull all manner of guns out of their asses yet still can't hold their own against the stupid little ETs wielding fucking sticks. Once John-boy learns the truth, he eats a baby in a jar that has been hanging around for god knows how many decades, and he's magically all better. What's worse is that his wife makes out with him right after and they fuck too! I don't think I could love someone that much! Anyway, Johnny saves the day--sorta--by keeping the little ETs at bay but not before turning to the dark side. I just love how his first order of business when embracing his lineage is to eat some kid. Well, I'll give them some credit for having the balls to kill the kid characters. So...yeah...the film ends with the little ETs giving up and everyone is safe...? I don't know. But then we are treated to one more scene of Johnny realizing he has a fugly twin sister that the film notes could have sex with herself but chooses to bang her brother instead. Thanks for letting us know, movie. Let me get this straight: John-boy's wife puts up with his bullshit for however many years, loves him enough to make out/fuck after eating a jar-baby, and is pregnant with his demon-spawn, and he's just gonna throw her away to be with female-Sloth in a cave?! Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.
Hmm, what to make of this nonsense. Surprisingly, "Bleeders" has a fair amount of titties which I suppose is a draw...in a way. Rutger Hauer is here...collecting a paycheck. Umm...did I mention the cornball dialogue? It really is cheesy in a fun way. Look, this movie is pure shit--more akin to something that was made for TV--but it can provide casual entertainment. This doesn't mean I'd ever recommend checking it out, but it does hold a layer of nostalgia to me. Maybe those looking for ridiculous horror movies will get a kick out of "Bleeders." Hell, it definitely is original, that's for sure.
Notable Moment: When "Baby Laura" throws the knife in the one little ET and says, "NO FUCKING WAY!" Then she dies laughably with a soundbite clearly missing. Too funny, man.
Final Rating: 4.5/10
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