Halloween Tales Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: The worst Halloween-themed film in existence...and that's saying something.

Review: Wow, what a piece of shit. I've reviewed some horrendous movies over the years--plenty of them Halloween-themed--but this takes the cake. In fact, it has absolutely nothing to do with fucking Halloween, you jackasses! Mother fuckers. I don't care if your budget is literally peanuts that you're feeding to the "actors," there is no excuse for this kind of garbage. Getting up to piss in the middle of the night is scarier than this movie. The stories don't even make any damn sense, and the filmmakers embrace this incompetence by saying the individual stories were just bad dreams. UGH! Even trash like "The Haunted Dollhouse" is a level of quality far beyond this.

Wraparound: A bunch of idiots are stranded at a train station after a wreck. BIG FUCKING SHOCK, they're all dead and don't realize it. Yeah, sure, we never saw that coming. Fantastic. The actors are clearly reading their lines off cue cards, and they still suck. Each character is an asshole, and, when it's revealed they're in hell, we come to learn they're even bigger assholes than initially portrayed. Well, that is a talent I suppose. I really don't know what to say except that the premise of the film is that each idiot regales us with a nightmare they supposedly had the night before. Forget Dante's "Inferno" or "Paradise Lost," THIS is what hell truly would be--this movie being real life.

Story 1: The supposed hot chick of this group--who is like a 4/10--meets up with some dude she met over the internet. There is something about him being a ripoff-Norman Bates except nonsensical. I mean, the guy's mom looks like a zombie or a ghost yet she just casually interacts with everyone...so...fuck if I know. I guess the moral of the story is don't overvalue your looks.

Story 2: Next up is the hipster, street trash of the group. She dreams that she was a bum and meets the devil. Yet, we are to believe the devil would form his own wannabe cult where they kill assholes? I'd think the devil would have better things to do than this. Well, street trash tries to escape the cult and...umm...she can't escape...the end? Yeah, why not? Argh.

Story 3: Next up is the character I seriously couldn't tell if he was actually retarded or not. In his nightmare--which, in fairness, is pretty damn close to a glimpse of hell--he is tasked to watch a house with a 16 year old girl in it or something. Then there is bigfoot and our potato hero, with his jailbait accomplice, tries to capture bigfoot as a scheme to become rich...I think. It turns out these shenanigans with bigfoot involves the parents just wanting to kill their stupid kids. Psh, whaaaaat? Why not, right?

Story 4: Finally tying out this catastrophe is the genuine asshole of the group who does nothing but talk shit. In his nightmare he's trying to get a job and ends up working at a warehouse or whatever. While doing some kind of data entry, this asshole comes to realize he's a part of an experiment with murderers or something. Honestly, I don't give a fuck.

I saw this shit for free through Amazon Prime, but, please, do NOT waste your money on this abomination. There is nothing involving Halloween here nor is there a single thing worthy of mentioning. Oh, wait, this movie can at least boast it's not the worst movie I've ever seen. Yippee. This is pure, unfiltered shit that doesn't deserve to exist. This may also be the worst anthology film I've ever seen, yet, it doesn't fully qualify since none of the stories are coherent enough to count as complete. Damn this movie to hell where it belongs!

Notable Moment: Uhhh...I guess when the main asshole is trash talking? I suppose a few of his insults are so stupid, over the top, and poorly delivered that you could say it's so bad it's good. Eh, not really. This movie just blows massive chunks.

Final Rating: 2/10