Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!
Plot Summary: Rob Zombie is at it again...ruining iconic characters from the "Halloween" franchise.
Review: You'd think after the divisive reception to the first remake that the studio would try to reel Rob Zombie in, but, nope, he is let entirely off the leash. Now, when I said I hate the first remake the most that didn't mean I don't still loathe this installment too. Oh no, you better believe this terrible movie makes my blood boil! After all, rarely have we seen a filmmaker offered the chance to bastardize an iconic film series twice. Come to think of it, what kind of clowns were working over at Dimension Films? They're responsible for entries 6-10 which were all fucking shit!
Kicking things off, Rob Zombie decided to waste 25 minutes of the audience's time with pretentious bullshit, a flashback, and a dream sequence. Considering we need context to the ending of the last movie, it would help to know which parts of that stupid dream were real. Was the cow real?! Good grief. Concluding that he didn't screw up the characters enough, Rob Zombie decided to change Laurie into an insufferable, whiny bitch who screams the majority of her dialogue. Try and tell me you weren't cheering to see Laurie die? Next, instead of Loomis crusading to stop Michael, Rob Zombie felt Loomis worked better as an egotistical sellout who will stoop to any low to make a buck and increase his fame. Gimme a break, dude. At this rate we might as well have Rob Zombie write and direct the next Disney "Star Wars" movie.
If you thought Michael couldn't be ruined any further, well, wait, there's more! Not bothering to explain how Michael survived the bullet to the head, Rob Zombie felt the best way to depict Mikey this time around would be to make him look more like Rob Zombie himself--a hobo-looking retard obsessed with his wife...I mean, mommy. Forget wearing the mask. Forget including the iconic music. Forget everything. Now Mikey can lift cars, speak, and grunt and groan with each pointless kill all the while imagining his mom who is the true brains of this operation. IT'S COOL! Making things worse is the pretentious way the scenes are constructed as if Mikey is this complex villain. Rob Zombie then proceeded to rip off other installments to create a psychic connection between Michael and Laurie that is senseless. It worked before, right? Right?!
What is any of this building toward? Is there a payoff? Of course not. C'mon. Mikey captures Laurie, kills Loomis, and then is shot by the police. Then Laurie seemingly dies too and goes to white horsey hell. Ugh. Soooo...why do I hate this installment less when most fans, even defenders of the remake, seem to hate this one the most? I suppose, on some level, I can respect what Rob Zombie tried to do and his attempt to include originality with the characters. I'm not saying it worked--far from it--however there are a few interesting ideas presented. The production is on the same level as the first remake which is acceptable. I did like the hospital sequence when hoping we'd get a proper remake of that scenario. Finally, I always appreciate the inclusion of my dear Danielle Harris; this was probably the lone, genuinely intelligent decision during either film's production.
In the end, I could go on and on with how shitty the writing is and how poorly these films come together, but I'll spare you. Needless to say, this entry is only a hair better than the previous remake. Neither film has any reason to exist, did nothing creative, and failed miserably to give fans a story of any merit. The main offense at hand is a general disrespect for everything fans know and love about the series. Rob Zombie ruins the characters, setting, and story to the point that it is unrecognizable and then acts like you're the asshole for not understanding his pathetic vision. Please, don't waste your time this Halloween, or any other, on these shit movies.
Notable Moment: While I do like the costumes Laurie and her friends wear, I think the cow scene has officially taken the cake here. I'm sure someone has proposed that this needs to be akin to jumping the shark--hitting the cow or something. Argh. Just utterly painful.
Final Rating: 3.5/10
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