Dead Silence Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: The ghost of a ventriloquist haunts a town and seeks revenge on the ancestors of those that killed her.

Review: Of all the overlooked horror movies out there, this has got to be the best of them. Not only is this movie incredibly scary but has a solid story while keeping it simple and straightforward. This film comes from some of the crew that worked on the "Saw" films just as many of the better recent horror films, like "Insidious," have been from the numerous crew members from the "Saw" franchise. Unlike those films, this one managed to fall through the cracks probably because it was marketed weird, and because, at first glance, dolls don't seem too scary. Well, let's face it, most movies about dolls pretty much fucking suck, but thankfully the real source of the scares comes from the ghost that owned the dolls, Mary Shaw, played nightmarishly by Judith Roberts. Mary Shaw is freakish looking with one of the most disturbing makeup applications I have ever seen; she was supposed to have doll features added to her body after death according to her will. I assure you, Mary Shaw will leave a lasting impression on you even when the movie is over even if it's the only thing you remember afterward. She's just flat out scary as hell and there are multiple sequences that highlight this fact. However, I should mention there are moments when Mary Shaw goes CGI and of course that sucks ass. The dolls are not completely outdone as there are still times they shine and even creepily add a few scares of their own such as the case with the clown doll. But when you have Mary Shaw coming after you, the last thing you'd be worried about is some little dolly turning its head when you look away. I should mention Mary Shaw's approach to killing is to rip out your tongue and this lets her absorb your voice to mess with others later. The focus of Mary Shaw's attention is on the main character, Jamie Ashen, and the Ashen family for that matter, since his family and others killed the crazy bitch. Apparently Mary Shaw's revenge won't be complete until she's killed the entire families of those involved in her death which is close to completion by the time of the movie. We don't get a great feel on the Jamie character except that he's a rich kid sent away from the town, called Ravens Fair, when one of the dolls is delivered to his apartment and Mary Shaw kills his girlfriend. I will say this, while Jamie comes off as a dumbass, he sure is brave as hell or is he brave because he's too stupid to be afraid? The other main character is detective Lipton, played hilariously by Donnie Wahlberg, who is following Jamie because he doesn't believe dolls killed the girlfriend (who would?). I wish so much he was named after his "Saw" character because that would have been amazing, but, anyway, what's up with Mr. Wahlberg playing a cop in virtually every role?! There are a few other background characters used for fodder, like a mortician, while we come to learn Mary Shaw's ghost lives through her, more than a hundred, dolls; therefore, you have to destroy the dolls to end the curse. Oh, there's one little catch to our dear Ms. Shaw, you have to scream for her to be able to kill you; think the shenanigans of "Darkness Falls" where you had to look at her face. So Jamie burns Mary Shaw's doll collection, discovers the body of his relative that set the story in motion when he made Mary Shaw mad, Lipton gets killed during the escape, and we learn that Ms. Shaw killed Jamie's girlfriend because she was pregnant! After destroying Mary Shaw's favorite doll he left at his father's mansion, Jamie uncovers the final twist to the film, that his father had been dead all along and was being used like a dummy by his newest stepmother who is, somehow, Mary Shaw's greatest creation: a living doll. Eh, I love the dad being a dummy part, but the stepmom thing was farfetched and mostly unexplained. Overall, the story plays like a twisted fairy tale while keeping the pacing steady with lots of genuine fright and not just jump scares. The makeup effects are among the best, the music is effectively haunting, and there was a great deal of creativity even if not entirely original. The twists and turns to the story were cool even if the ending leaves you a bit perplexed. I highly recommend this as it's one of my favorite horror movies and because there's a strong possibility you haven't watched this one yet. Seeing Mary Shaw is reason enough to give this one a try and you will probably get the little nursery rhyme surrounding her stuck in your head!

Notable Moment: Although not the most scary moment, when Mary Shaw emerges from behind the corpse of Michael Ashen. It is a powerful shot, and that look on her face as she appears to sit up from nowhere is creepy.

Final Rating: 8/10

When a Stranger Calls (remake) Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A babysitter is stalked by an illusive killer that harasses her through repeated phone calls.

Review: This is that rare instance where a remake could have easily surpassed the original considering how dated and lame that movie was for me. Instead, we get endless filler to turn what could have passed for a half hour TV show episode into a full-fledged waste of time. In fact, the original film was based on a short film, which is essentially the first third of the original's premise, and then the remake only chose to recreate those aspects of the story. To make matters worse, the plot itself is just a famous urban legend in the USA, so you really feel the lack of originality! The film clocks in at 87 minutes with the credits which realistically means the running time is approximately 80 minutes. Then we have a good 10-15 minutes of bullshit character building that is a weak attempt at masking the filler with lots of pointless scenes used to drag out the suspense supposedly. Bonus characters are added to the film as mere padding and to bolster the already low body count. If we take out all these tacked on factors, we're looking at 30-40 minutes of a normal movie; in other words, the film lacks any real substance. Since the background characters are so insignificant to the story, the whole plot rests on the shoulders of our lead, Jill, played by the beautiful Camilla Belle. Unfortunately, Ms. Belle could not carry the film even though I kept hoping she'd be able to. I've seen many of Ms. Belle's films, and I know she can act better than this. It's like she was bored the whole time even when she's supposed to be scared. Every line of dialogue was delivered so poorly it was hard to take any of it seriously. Her movements and facial expressions were good and she did appear genuinely frightened, but there was some kind of disconnect with the character; I have to believe some of this must be the director's fault. As for the stranger, he is completely mishandled although I'm glad they did not go the ridiculous route the original went in. I think my biggest problem with the stranger was that he was not intimidating enough; he literally doesn't do a thing until the last 10 minutes of the movie which is unforgivable! Considering they've decided to make the phone banter the heart of the film, they should have made it more interesting rather than dumb breathing, and the occasional line about the children. Though, I did really like the whole line with 'What do you want?'--"Your blood all over me." Another weird aspect was that there appeared to be multiple red herring possibilities as to who was the stranger...well, at least, I think that's what they were going for or was the padding more blatant than I'm thinking? I should note that one of the many pointless characters was Jill's friend played by the sexy Katie Cassidy; if only Ms. Cassidy could have been the stranger! All of this talk of a "stranger" just makes me think of the Dave Chappelle joke about giving yourself "a stranger" (just look that bad boy up!). Annoyingly the stranger is not a character we see in the film nor do we get a motive for why he fucks around other than that he's just a crazy killer. The tension that is created between Jill and the stranger is noticeably weak considering how easily Jill becomes scared. It's like they didn't understand that tension builds gradually so they just decided to write in that Jill was scared for no discernible reason. Ugh, you know you have a shitty movie when the highlight of the film is the house used for the setting; that house is pretty damn impressive! In the end, there is nothing worth mentioning with this film, and it's certainly not worth anyone's time unless they love the original and just want to see the remake or are a fan of Ms. Belle since this is her show. This is television level of drama dragged out needlessly through padding that will do nothing but infuriate the audience. Damn it, even the ending scene was a combo of filler and idiotic zinger shit you know I'm tired of seeing! Uninspired, bad acting, bad direction, and most of all, boring filler. An easy pass.

Notable Moment: When we see the stranger lurking on the ceiling beams, but the scene could have been done so much better. Imagine that the stranger keeps breathing heavy during the phone calls. He makes a final call where he does nothing but breathes heavy and we see a close-up of Jill. Jill hangs up the phone but is momentarily baffled because she keeps hearing the breathing anyway. The camera slowly pans upward and we see the stranger lurking on the ceiling over Jill's shoulder; use lighting to make the stranger's eyes appear to glow. Jill is startled as the stranger drops down eerily slow. Instead we get the best moment of the film completely wasted in a fraction of a second.

Final Rating: 4.5/10

Ms. Belle looking wet and wild!

A Haunted House Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Yet another forgettable parody of "Paranormal Activity" and other recent horror films.

Review: Oh lord here we go again. I think it went without saying that this movie was going to suck ass, but I had hoped there would be at least some decent jokes. While I'll admit there were a few parts I smirked during, and even one chuckle, the majority of the time I kept thinking about how lame, pathetic, and outright idiotic most of the gags were. Obviously they touched on material people have been making fun of for years, but, besides this, they let too many stupid jokes drag on and on to the point it became torturous. And when these shitty setups play out, they bring the pacing to a grinding halt. One scene that was beyond stupid was when they were trying to communicate with the demon, or whatever the fuck it was supposed to be, and the entity spelled "ghost" wrong and the characters acted like this was the funniest thing. I realize they wanted to reach the lowest denominator of idiots that lap this shit up, but even this level of mediocrity should be insulting to anyone. The biggest flaw was the very premise itself whereby they made the focus of the film's story based around "Paranormal Activity." At this point in the game it's way too late; I mean, this year we're coming up to "Paranormal Activity 5" for god's sake! It is way past the time to move on and use some new material as the focus. There's been quite a few decent horror films since PA that could have been used as the focus such as "Insidious" and "Sinister." Was this garbage shelved for a couple years or something? One of the main reasons why the first "Scary Movie" was even halfway decent was because it had the entire horror genre to draw upon. By "Scary Movie 3" audiences realized they had exhausted the genre and were relying on only recent films while the jokes had become pathetic and the gimmick had run its course. Even though they are following PA's storyline, we don't really get a concise plot. I know it's ridiculous to ask for a plot to a stupid parody movie, but it was completely senseless because they were simply recreating the famous scenes but there wasn't really a reason for why this was even happening or any reasonable sense of transition. The acting was at least tolerable which is surprising, because I can't stand Marlon Wayans and he's the main character. Accompanying Mr. Wayans is Essence Atkins (gotta love that name) as his girlfriend; she has this whole sexy milf thing going on which did help. She does a slightly better job probably because she's given better material to work with, and I liked the little nuances to her facial gestures; she at least understands there's more to comedy than the delivery of lines, over the top screaming like a girl, and ass shots. There are a bunch of background characters mostly played by other semi-famous comedians, but all of them are misplaced and wasted. These characters each have some stupid ongoing joke about them that continues throughout the whole film so if you don't find what they're saying funny the first time, prepare yourself to see the same joke play out many more times! In the end, I don't really know what to say anymore, because this film offers absolutely nothing new whatsoever even in the niche parody-horror department; just about every film they tried to make fun of has already been touched on. The actual funny moments are spread far too thin to make the film even in the mediocre, rental category. While this isn't the worst movie this tired genre has produced, it is by no means worth anyone's time except on the off chance you're a fan of one of the actors involved.

Notable Moment: When Father Doug arrives with emphasis on the scene of him showing off the "ladies" of his congregation.

Final Rating: 4/10