Hallow's Eve Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Ten years after a girl is disfigured in an accident, a hooded killer seeks revenge--I guess--something like that anyway.

Review: I think I can safely say I have never been so confused while watching a movie, in my entire life, as I was watching this piece of shit. What the hell is happening here?! I don't know where to pinpoint the blame, because the editing is all over the place, the story is script-in-a-blender, and the plot holes are shamelessly paraded like a badge of honor. On top of that, the acting is pathetic and something was going on with that audio unless I got a defective DVD. If that weren't enough--I've said it before and I'll say it again: this is one of those movies with characters so annoying you will wish you were the killer! You dare create characters this insufferable and don't start the deaths until, nearly, the 40 minute mark? Grrrrrr! The surprising aspect is that there are things to actually enjoy in this film that only serve to exasperate its dismal failure. For example, this film stars my dear Danielle Harris in another Halloween based horror film! Danielle, darling, I love ya, but this movie is pure shit. The other thing that was cool is that the setting is a real life horror attraction, called "Bates Motel," and I've really been there! There are also a few hot chicks and decent special effects so how did they create this colossal fuck up? My god...what a complete waste.

I'm not exaggerating one bit, I had no clue who the fuck any character was except like one. The movie starts with a bunch of teens picking on a little girl for no discernible reason; their "acting" makes me shudder. They make fun of the little girl's stuttering, which never comes back into play, but, come on, the poor kid is like 8 years old and these dorks are like 15; KEEP THIS IN MIND for later. These losers chase the little girl around a cornfield until she accidentally walks in front of a tractor and seemingly dies. Yeah, okay, "Prom Night." Well don't worry about the little girl, because you will, sort of, figure out she never died and simply got away with a wannabe "Phantom of the Opera" wound to her face. This is the only character I understand in the entire film so I, too, may not make much sense after this point. All of a sudden it's 10 years later and there are a slew of characters I can't keep track of; it's not as though the movie even attempts to explain who the fuck they are either. Everyone either works for this horror attraction, "Bates Motel," or lives nearby and has connections to the staff. I suppose it's Halloween as well but hell if anyone can know for sure. The characters are too busy fighting over one douchebag, bullshit with pot, and some bitch trying to be Jesse Pinkman. The sheer, overwhelming idiocy of the characters coupled with the horrid acting is definitely enough to send any rational individual into a homicidal rampage! I was quite surprised to learn I wasn't, in fact, the killer...but I sure wish I could have been.

For no apparent reason, all fifty million characters end up at "Bates Motel," over the course of the night, as they continue to be annoying until a benevolent killer relieves the audience of their stupidity. Believe it or not, they're still introducing characters even in the last 10 minutes! For the love of fuck. At one point there are fights over a girl and a douchebag, Jesse Pinkman wannabe gets high and has a dream, there are two annoying drug dealers that serve as comedy relief (and never even die!), something with the disfigured girl, pointless cuts to real visitors coming to "Bates Motel" (who remain oddly absent from the film), and I don't even know who Danielle is supposed to be! The only bright side is that the deaths are amusing enough, but they aren't anything you wouldn't have seen before and done better. There are titties, but I'd rather the girls that show 'em kept them covered up. I get that the characters are annoying enough to set anyone off as a killer, but this is one of the most roundabout motivations for a killer. Despite waiting like 10 years, the killer is the disfigured girl's dad or friend or brother or whoever the hell he's supposed to be. He wanted revenge...I guess...for the disfigurement or something...I have no clue. Another reason why nothing makes sense is because the killer decides to kill the disfigured girl's boyfriend, spares Danielle for whatever reason, and pretty much winged this scheme at the last second. And I don't know if it was due to horrendous editing, but the movie greatly implies there are two killers. Really...you're going to ripoff "Scream" now? Rika...I'm trying, hun, but this movie keeps claiming I wasn't the killer! Now remember how I said to keep in mind about those losers from earlier? Well, the movie insinuates that all the characters that have been dying are actually the children of those losers!!! AHAH! That's a good one. So, what, those losers were really in their twenties with young children already? It's only been 10 fucking years! Hey, I could be completely wrong, but that is the implication by the final two characters who show up to be killed. Nobody can know because we have no clue who the fuck anyone is! Ugghhhhh...whatever--Danielle shoots the killer and one moron is taken to a hospital where they are killed by an unseen killer. The end.

This truly is something to behold. Don't people watch their own films anymore? Like...the crew saw this movie and was fine with it?! It's sad that they had to drag "Bates Motel" into this monstrosity, but I'm guessing it saved the crew a ton of money to borrow the existing sets. Danielle is the obvious highlight, as she usually is, but there were a few legitimately cool things that are completely overshadowed by the shenanigans. The story, flat out, makes zero sense no matter how you try to analyze it. Half the, already short, running time is essentially bullshit filler (and mindlessly idiotic filler at that) which leaves maybe 10 minutes of real mayhem; the rest of the time is establishing characters, and their drama, without actually establishing them. A lot of people confuse plot holes with other film errors, but this is the rare instance I will mention a movie being overloaded with plot holes. I really wanted to enjoy this film, but, overall, this is just stupid shit that had plenty of potential to be awesome if done correctly. How disappointing. And who the hell is that chick and killer on the poster?!

Notable Moment: Uhh...tough to sort through this nonsense, but I suppose that idiotic dream the pothead has is the weirdest of 'em all; that sure came out of nowhere and made absolutely no fucking sense.

Final Rating: 3.5/10

Trick or Treat (1986) Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A bullied teen inadvertently unleashes the evil spirit of his dead, rocker idol.

Review: So it's October again, and I'm trying to gather up the last of the horror films that actually take place on Halloween; there should only be a few oddball stragglers left after this year. I suppose you can always watch "Halloween" for the 100th time, but it's nice to know the alternatives, right? As for this film, it's surprisingly really good...well, as long as you appreciate '80s slasher shenanigans. While there are plenty of '80s cliches, the story felt original and a straight up nod to rock and metal of the era. You even have amusing cameos from Gene Simmons and Ozzy Osbourne; Ozzy, specifically, had an awesome role. My main gripe is that they did not make Halloween integral to the plot; seriously, if you removed the holiday the movie would not change one bit. Also, there seemed to be confusion in regards to how much humor they should include. Was this due to Skippy, from "Family Ties," being the lead?

The story involves a fake rock star, named Sammi Curr, who is idolized by Skippy whose character is called Eddie. For some strange reason, Sammi wants to play a Halloween concert at his old high school, but he's banned. This doesn't seem to matter since Sammi kills himself to perform a satanic ritual that imprints his spirit onto a record. As you may realize, certain parts of the story do not make sense. Speaking of which, Eddie is bullied at said high school for appearing like a freak even though he's just dressed like a rocker. One minute they say Sammi is popular with the kids, yet, they pick on the one kid showing his fandom? That makes perfect sense. But since this is '80s cornball-land, there is a pretty cute chickadee, named Leslie, that likes Eddie for no reason ever specified. Anyway, Eddie is upset over Sammi's death and seeks solace with the local DJ who just happens to give Eddie the record with Sammi's spirit inside. The DJ also mentions they're going to do a Halloween tribute to Sammi where they play a copy of that record.

Later on, Eddie is further bullied and thinks Leslie set him up. This is when Eddie realizes Sammi's record is communicating with him when played in reverse. This supernatural assistance gives Eddie the confidence to fight back against the bullies, but eventually things get out of hand when the spirit of Sammi tries to kill one of the bullies and Eddie must intervene. For some reason, Eddie still tries to screw with one of the bullies despite his growing fear; this felt out of place to me. The one bully is given a copy of Sammi's record, but the bully's girlfriend listens to the tape instead and is somehow molested by a demon. Ehh...I don't know, they needed a titty shot or something; to be fair, she was into it. This molestation melts the girl's ears and finally Eddie realizes he doesn't want to hurt anyone. The spirit of Sammi grows angry that Eddie wants to stop and escapes from the record to wreak havoc. The effects for Sammi are decent for the time, but I think "Shocker" ripped this movie off big time. In fact, a lot of the special effects were surprisingly well done like when Sammi burns his hands through a door.

Eddie realizes the only way to stop Sammi is to destroy all the copies of the record. What is this, "The Ring?" Eddie enlists the aid of his friend, mostly due to zany antics, in order to recover the molesting-demon tape from the bully. Idiotically, the friend listens to the tape and Sammi forces the friend to play the tape at the high school Halloween party that night. At the dance, Leslie calls Eddie (since she pulled his number from her ass) and he overhears the Sammi tape and rushes off to save everyone. Sammi tries to stop Eddie since Sammi can manipulate radios which magically allows him to control a car with a radio; I'm okay with it since the car chase was cool. When a band tries to play at the dance, Sammi takes over and everyone thinks it is a stunt. Before they even know what's happening, Sammi goes all Carrie White on their asses and blows people up with his guitar; this scene is definitely sweet. Eddie arrives and saves Leslie and his friend who try to stop Sammi by overloading the school's electricity. Further shenanigans causes the police to blame Eddie for the killings as he and Leslie run around town just as Sammi pursues them. Eddie remembers that the DJ had another copy of the record that he was playing at midnight. Eddie and Leslie also realize Sammi is hurt by water. Okay, a little bit of "Signs" thrown in for good measure? At the DJ's radio station, they discover Sammi is guarding the last tape and Eddie concocts a plan to end this nightmare. Eddie puts a radio in the backseat of a police car and provokes Sammi to come out of it. Leslie takes this opportunity to destroy the last tape as Eddie drives the car into water, thus, killing Sammi's spirit. Yeah...just roll with it. The movie ends with Eddie making out with Leslie and some final zinger of Eddie putting on a different tape...whatever that's supposed to mean.

There was a certain charm to this film that is hard to explain. It hit on the right notes (see what I did there?) that made '80s slashers so much fun to watch. At the same time, I felt the crew was having fun with the material as well. There were too many weird nuances and highlights that enhance the cheesiness and allow the film to stand out amongst its peers. I think fans will certainly appreciate the ridiculous nature of the story and the engaging way it's presented. The Halloween aspect was admittedly weak, although, I did like the one trick or treating scene and the ghost kid that almost got ran over; however, the dance didn't need to be Halloween themed, the setting didn't feel like Fall, and a few token decorations aren't cutting it. While I liked the cutie playing Leslie, Lisa Orgolini, her character was completely unnecessary except to give Skippy a love interest. With a few tweaks, especially in regard to the abundance of shenanigans, this movie could have been a classic, but it's still worth checking out for sure.

Notable Moment: Hmm...the chick being molested by a demon and Ozzy as a reverend that hates metal are good contenders, but I can't overlook that boom mic scene. Just wow. How did they not catch that?!

Final Rating: 6.5/10

Ramblings of Ryan Volume 4

Okay, let's head back into my nonsensical babbling for a moment so I can discuss a few non-movie subjects. But first, I want to restate the lame factor of those two horror collections I reviewed. I thought they would be fun, but, instead, the levels of stupidity between the films were off the charts. I mean, really, a "Troll 3" wannabe?! If you could have only beheld the shock on my face as I discovered this fact; it's not every day that you realize one of the worst movies ever had an almost equally bad sequel. I will try and make up for this next month as I scrape the bottom of the barrel for the remaining horror movies that actually take place on Halloween. That should be amusing enough in itself. Speaking of shit, I have to weigh in on the Gal Gadot disaster as Wonder Woman. Yeah, I know, I'm like 5 months behind on this one, but that's how I roll.

You see this...yeah, that's not Wonder Woman. Like others have said, "Who is that girl cosplaying as WW?" She's simply too scrawny in terms of muscle mass and curves. I already know crybabies are mad that WW has too many perfect features, but, come on, she's supposed to look like a Greek goddess and have the powers of multiple gods. This chickadee does not look anything remotely like that! I swear, this movie is going to suck ass at the rate it's going. Must...remain...optimistic. I mean, this is like getting--I don't know--Maggie Q to play Mai Shiranui from "Fatal Fury." Oh fuck...

While on the subject of girl power, and with the hope to never write that phrase again, the new "Sailor Moon" is out finally. As a fan of the original, I am very pleased to say this new version is surprisingly superior. Is that blasphemy? The animation does look weaker, but the story is more concise, interesting, and better paced with less filler; even the monsters of the week have a more meaningful purpose. I'm always skeptical of reboots/remakes, but there was a lot of room to improve over the original. I am really curious as to what direction they will take things since they've already made significant story changes. However, with only two episode airing a month, this is going to take--in the words of Squints--FOR...EV...ER!

An unexpected, yet certainly welcomed, wave of horror games are coming out soon. A few catching my eye are "Until Dawn," "Alien: Isolation," and, "Bloodborne" just to name a few. I know the indie market has been getting a ton of horror games in the last couple years, but I've been craving something beyond a few hours of "Slender Man" wannabes. And with that demo for "Silent Hills" putting the icing on the cake, I am officially stoked. Goddamn, that demo alone is unnerving enough...just please, please don't suck! If you haven't heard of any of these games yet, or are mildly interested, check them out for sure. If you play the "Silent Hills" demo, be prepared to be on edge. And while still on the subject of games...seriously, "Destiny!" Wow, what a letdown. I'm having fun with the game, but, my god, what the hell happened? I won't go into massive detail, as others are already dealing with the problems in depth, but I thought this was going to be the next "Mass Effect." I was very wrong. Did they think we wouldn't notice the game has no story! My fucking god.

Another surprise coming was that Morning Musume is, at long last, doing another concert in the USA; New York City to be more precise. Morning Musume is a J-pop group I've mentioned a bunch of times as the group that Rika was a former member of. I wish I could go, especially since they're performing on my birthday (were the stars aligning for me?), but I won't be anywhere near NYC unfortunately. NOOOO! Oh well, I'd probably feel a bit out of place since the girls are a lot younger than me at this point. When I first discovered MM, the girls were all either my age, a little younger or actually older. Granted, anywhere from 50-75% of MM's fanbase is older men, but still...it's awkward. If Rika were still there, well, that would be a different story! No force on earth would stand in my way. I still love the group and the girls regardless; their songs are always so catchy and fun and the dances are amazing. Here, check out their youtube video promoting the concert. Sakura, one of their best singers in years, tries her hardest to say everything in Engrish, and she did a decent job. The kawaii-factor helps a lot.

Recently, I was sent the same spam email multiple times (idiotically) in the lamest attempt to con me to click a link. I've been getting spam for like 15 years now, but I've never been sent something this ridiculous before. I mean, it's like someone was trying to tell me their life story; I suppose they figured it would appear more authentic? More like pathetic to me. I thought, given the sheer stupidity of it all, I'd share it with the world for a laugh. The funny part is that all they do is change the name of the girl propositioning me each time. Oh, and I left out the link and the number they gave me for obvious reasons.

"BABE... i guess your not getting any of my email huh? ive been
tryign to email u so many times but this dam laptop is such a piece of
garbage and keeps freezing.. anyways how u been? 

In case u dont know who this is its ME Sanadra.. we used to chat a bit on facebook and then
I think u deleted me :( haha.. anyways guess what... I got 2 things to
tell u.. both good news.. 1) im single now.. yup me and my bf broke up
about 3 months ago... and 2) guess where im moving? RIGHT EFFING NEAR
U.. lol... ur actually the only person im gonna know there.. well 3
cousins too but i cant chill with them lol..


I remember when we chatted u told me u thought i was cute and u wanted to chill so now we finally
can HAHA! im kinda scared to move.. im hoping this email addy is still
the one you use and u can chat with me ebfore i get there.. maybe even
help me move my shit in...are u still on facebook? i cudnt find ui was
soo confused...anyways im gonna need someone to show me the town and
take me out so u better be around bebe...


we only chatted a couple times but i remember thinking to myself i wanted to get ot know u
better when i was single..a nd i thoguth u were cute too but cudnt
tell u cause i wasnt single lol...ok so more info about me.. well im
23.. virgo.. love the outdoors and love to socialize, go out for
drinks, restaurants, movies etc.. travel.. i have a lil kitty named
BOO and i luv her to death... uhhh oh im a super horny gurl too but
every gurl is they just wont admit it. so ilove watching p0rn and all
that.. love sex etc blah blah blah...who doesnt..

I really hope we get a chance to chat for a bit either online or on the fone before i get
there enxt week.. i hope u remmeber me and still wanna chill and arent
married yet lol.. OH YA also.. i need to find a job when i get there..

do u have any hookups or know anybody hiring? id LOVE to work in a bar
or osmehting like that...really anythgin cause my current job is fun
and all.. and technically i CUD keep doign it but i want a change.. i
currently work from home and well thats cool but i need ot be out
meeting people.. oh wait. i dont think i ever actually told u what i
did? hmm shud i......???? ok WELLLL... and dont get all weirded out
on me.. i work on a webcam chat community site and i get paid to chat
with people and get naked HHAHA... BOMB right :)? I KNOW.. like i
figure iim horny anyways why not get paid to chat with people and play
with myself heheh...anyways i hope u dont look down on that and NO
THATS NOT WHY IM CONTACTING U RELAX URSELF lol... i actually need help
once i move and i remembered u live there so im reaching out....like i
said before this computer is a complete piece of CRAP and freezes NON
STOP.. ive tried ot send this email to u maybe 3 times already and im
hopign this time i can hit SEND before i run into trouble lol..
ANYWAYS.. heres the deal....every month natalie (my boss) gives each
of us 3 VIP codes to give out to whoever we want.. so with this code u
can lgoin to watch me at work for free and dont have to pay like
everyone else... the only way i can give u one of the codes (so we can
chat) is if you absolutey DO NOT give it out to anyone else and u ONLY
USE IT FOR URSELF... i only get 3 a month and she gets pissed if more
than 3 people use them so DONT SHARE IT MISTER... i figured u cud
always email me back instead but my email account doesnt even let me
login half the time.. so the bets palce ot chat me is my chat room...

if theres anyone else logged in when u sign in ill boot them out.. but
remember DONT SHARE THIS PASSWORD PLEASE BABE IM BEGGING U.. I TRUST
U... im online most of the day now to try and save money for my move..
also since im in such a huge debt already form my student loan :( I
really thingk we need to chat before i get there and make sure u evern
remember me hahha.. anyways ive rambled on and on now and ur probably
soooo annnoyed with me so ill stop now.. im gonna go start work.. i
really hope u come chat me. it wud make my day and releive a lot of my
stress about the move... REALLY i mean that....anyways once i see u in
insdie ill shoot u myc ell number and u can gimme yours.. if u dont

wanna come chat i understand but its really the only palce to find me
now days.. if u email me abck ill probably get it once i get there
after my internet is setup so about 2-3 weeks fomr now.. but im hopign
to see u in my chat room.. rmemeber its 100% free with this code im
gonna give u.. just DONT GIVE IT OUT OR ILL KICK U IN THE BALLS
INSTEAD OF LICK U IN THE BALLS WHEN IS EE U hahahahha...k babe im out
for now... chat ya soon.. kisses xoxo"

Well, that was uhh...well...that was sad...

With that stupidity out of the way, and the shitty formatting they used stuck with me, let's close things out the way we always do: with my dear, goddess Rika showing us the goods!

I do gifs now?!