Howling III: The Marsupials Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Werewolves. Australia. Shenanigans. 'Nuff said.

Review: Every horror franchise, with at least three sequels, must have its obligatory "Halloween 3" equivalent. You've got Jason 5, Freddy 2, Leprechaun 4, Hellraiser 4, and the list goes on and on. You know...that sequel that makes no fucking sense and stands out among the others due to its oddity? Well, this is that entry for the Howling franchise. The sheer amount of shenanigans plaguing this movie is truly astounding. Again, I think we have a case of a script written in crayon--maybe finger paint this time around. While "Howling II" was no stranger to zany antics, and the editing was mental patient-chic, it at least had the gravitas of Christopher Lee, Sybil Danning's ample milk dispensers, that theme song, and a certain charm to the cornball nature of it all. "Howling III," on the other hand, has none of those things and takes itself far too seriously. But hey, at least it's still better than part 7 so it has that going for it!

Hmm...how to explain the events of this film. Huh. Well, the story has nothing to do with the other films or even common werewolf mythology. Now the werewolves are, you guessed it, fucking marsupials (not that this even matters). There's something about them coming from a wolf spirit or some shit...whatever, dude. The main werewolf girl runs away from the pack for the lulz when she is spotted by a guy working on a movie who wants her for a part. Apparently this guy has fallen in love at first sight which was pure bullshit and quite sad really. They fuck and the girl is pregnant almost immediately. I like how the guy doesn't question her kangaroo pouch or excessive amounts of body hair. Good lord. Also, how do werewolves breed? Look, I've read all kinds of shit over the years, like drinking water from the paw print of a wolf will make you a werewolf, but it's always a case of a human becoming one. This just doesn't work for me.

Anyway, while this nonsense is unfolding, scientists, with the assistance of the world's governments, are acknowledging the werewolf discovery. Except they already know they exist...and they thought they killed them all...or something along those lines. All of a sudden we get a random, Russian werewolf ballerina as she feels drawn to Australia. Half the time, you will probably be wondering what the hell is even happening in this movie so don't fret. The scientists study the werewolves after discovering their location in Australia. I will admit, the one thing I did like was that the town was called "flow" or wolf spelled backward; kinda reminds me of a certain "Nilbog" town. One scientist loves ballerina werewolf as he decides he will sabotage everything and free the beasts. There's something about hunters running around looking for them too. These hunters are then killed by a werewolf who turns into a spiritual monster...I guess. This werewolf dies for no discernible reason as well, but his skeleton can still fight? Uhh, okay. Then the government says, "Okay, send two guys to kill the werewolves and if they die never, ever send reinforcements." These two soldiers appear to be killed by a giant werewolf god that is thankfully blown up by a bazooka. Considering no one witnesses this scene, and it's not mentioned again, it really makes you wonder what was the point.

Next thing you know, the main werewolf girl, her loverboy, the scientist, and ballerina werewolf are just living in the outback having the time of their stupid lives. The entire last act of the film is all upbeat as we see the werewolf families grow up; in fact, the scientist's werewolf daughter was pretty cute. It's like 25 years later or something as everyone has moved back to civilization since the government, along with the pope, has given amnesty to werewolves. Psssssssssst...oh fuck...that's a good one! Everything seems to be going great with the main girl winning a fake Academy Award as she randomly turns into a werewolf on stage. The end. Yeeeaaah. Umm...I'm just gonna leave it at that.

What can I say? The story is a complete mess from start to finish with little to no direction. Events are strung together aimlessly, and they appear to forget this is a horror movie about an hour or so in. There are instances where they try to have fun with the material, but it's hard to have fun when they keep pushing this "can't we all just get along together" message every two seconds. I also don't understand why they wasted the chance to link this story to the last film; just throw in a line about the Australian werewolves distancing themselves from Stirba or whatever. As you will come to realize, parts 4-8 have nothing to do with this entry so this is a parallel universe at best. While this is a more competently made film than part 7, part 7 needs to be experienced! I wouldn't even bother with this entry unless you want the werewolf version of "Twilight."

Notable Moment: When all of the hunters' rifles coincidentally jam at once. The contrivances, baby. Must have been more of that wolfie magic.

Final Rating: 3/10

Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Misfits try to stop a werewolf queen from taking over the world or something along those lines.

Review: What kind of dumbass title is that for a movie? It's supposed to have ellipses in it too...fuck that (see what I did there?). I like the original title, "Stirba--Werewolf Bitch," a helluva lot better! Goodness gracious this movie is a mess, but it's certainly worthy of a so-bad-it's-good title. You have one of the worst examples of editing--EVER--with random scenes inserted, the same shots repeated, and nonsensical cuts left and right. Was someone's cat just running around on the equipment, and this is what came out? The story is hilariously moronic with all manner of shenanigans and zany hijinks. None of this matters, because the cornball nature of the production is enjoyable. Then you've got the great Christopher Lee--clearly embarrassed--accompanied by Sybil Danning's tits almost as a character unto themselves. If werewolf orgies are your thing, this film has you covered! What can I say...the '80s, man.

Well, this story has virtually nothing to do with the original which is a nice way to kick things off, right? They claim the main dude is Karen's brother, but, come on, you're not fooling anyone. Plus, they screw up the continuity with a new actress playing Karen, they claim no one saw the news boradcast where she turned into a werewolf, and somehow she's still magically alive because they took the silver slugs from her body; uhhh...that's not how it works but okay. All of this is inconsequential, because the story focuses on some kind of werewolf queen named Stirba, played by Ms. Danning and her two best friends. I guess werewolves can age since Stirba absorbs the life force of some girl in order to be young again. From there she will use her wolfy magic to turn the world into animals...or something...hell if I know. Mr. Lee and the two main idiots, Ben and Jenny (Jerry), decide to go to Transylvania to fight Stirba; yeah, Transylvania. There are werewolves everywhere, and it's ambiguous as to whether they control the area or simply hide out there. I do like the random instance of eating, seemingly gay, German tourists. Yes, that was a totally necessary scene.

Even though silver still kills the werewolves, a few, like Stirba, can only be killed by titanium all of a sudden. No explanation on that? Sure! Mr. Lee has a few flunkies that are completely useless in fighting werewolves. In fact, the werewolves are so incompetent that they too can only kill someone when the script demands it. One of the worst parts is when Mr. Lee and his last flunky split up for no discernible reason except so that the flunky can get killed by a werebat(?). They eventually claim Stirba is Mr. Lee's sister despite her trying to flirt her way out of death. If that weren't ridiculous enough, I think they forgot the part where they said Stirba was like 10,000 years old or whatever. So...either Stirba's parents really get around or Mr. Lee is still playing Dracula. I guess that makes sense considering he did pull "the blood of Christ" out of his ass at one point. And there was that revolver that fired infinite bullets--can't forget that. Come to think of it, Stirba's flunkies had machine guns and yet they chose to consistently ditch those in favor of turning into werewolves. Where was I? Oh yeah...Stirba dies and lights on fire which kills Mr. Lee. Ben and Jerry somehow instantly get back to the USA just in time for Halloween. A little werewolf boy trick or treats at their apartment, and they simply laugh it off. Wow, what an exciting conclusion. Then we get to see the two best parts of the film featured SEVENTEEN times during the ending credits! Gotta give credit where credit's due for that one.

Needless to say, this is a colorful little tale. It's certainly memorable that's for sure. Just try and get that idiotic theme song out of your head. The acting, special effects, story, etc. are all pure shit. The editing is in a league all by itself with very few comparisons in cinema to match (probably worse than "The Haunted Dollhouse's" level). However, it's hard to ignore the over the top nature to the production. Only a total hardass isn't going to be laughing during this catastrophe; this is like movie magic right here. Hell, watch this simply for Ms. Danning if need be. While this is nowhere near the best entry in the franchise, it's undeniably the most enjoyable!

Notable Moment: That ending montage. Dear lordy--the same titty shot 17 times!

Final Rating: 5/10

The Howling Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A traumatized reporter stays at a wannabe hippie colony that is home to werewolves.

Review: The time has finally come to review this godforsaken franchise. Actually, the films in this series aren't that bad; it's mostly just part 7 that leaves its ugly stain upon cinema. The first entry was based on a book of the same title, but all the other sequels make up whatever they want. Speaking of which, there are a lot of inconsistencies, plot holes, and contrivances throughout the franchise. I find it's best to simply take each movie on its own rather than trying to create an overall continuity; the films try, and fail miserably, to establish a flowing narrative. Other than these odd deviations between sequels, there isn't much that is exceptional about this franchise. If anything, the truly notable aspect to this series is the fact that they kept making them! How in the hell did they muster the funds and interest for 8 films?! My goodness...

A few ground rules probably need to be established regarding how werewolves work in this universe. They loosely touch upon the notion that werewolves are shapeshifters--a myth which is attributed to explaining away werewolves and vampires alike. What this boils down to is that they don't need a full moon to transform--they can do it at will in broad daylight if need be. This leads into the idea that they are mentally in control of their werewolf side unlike Universal's classic depiction of the Wolfman; but you'll notice they play fast and loose with this idea too. They still die to silver but that kind of gets tossed up in the air from time to time in the sequels. Also, silver kills them, but they can still be hurt and slowed down by conventional means of death; their regenerative abilities are questionable as well from film to film. However, the aspect that fluctuates the most is their strength. Sometimes they can rip you limb from limb while other times they are laughably weak and slow; it all comes down to the contrivances that keep the story rolling.

Setting all the bullshit aside for a second, the first film is decent but there isn't a lot going on. Dee Wallace plays a mildly famous reporter, named Karen, who makes contact with a serial killer. Surprise, he's really a werewolf and is shot by the police. Traumatized by this incident, for whatever reason, Karen and her annoying husband stay at a kind of retreat in the woods at the behest of a psychiatrist. Of course everyone at this place, they refer to as a colony, are werewolves as well. See, you can't trust hippies...ever. As it turns out, that psychiatrist was a werewolf trying to help the serial killer live a normal life, but the killer couldn't keep his shit together. This was a cool dynamic as the psychiatrist wants the werewolves to fit in and control their wolf side. Unfortunately, a lot of the werewolves don't enjoy the idea of being tamed and act out through killing people.

The psychiatrist wants Karen and her bitch boy husband to join the colony, but Karen says hell no; the bitch boy becomes a werewolf though. After one of Karen's friends gets killed, another guy Karen works with shows up with silver bullets and incredible marksman abilities pulled right out of his ass. The psychiatrist gets killed and thanks the guy; you always have to throw in at least one character thankful to be dead in werewolf films. After killing nearly every flunky werewolf, Karen and her friend escape but not before Karen is bit by her stupid husband! This is what I meant about how they present the werewolves as in complete control of themselves, with their personalities intact, yet the husband goes berserk? Hmm. Karen and the friend go to the TV station they work at and Karen transforms into a werewolf during a live broadcast. The friend shoots Karen, and we cut to one of the werewolves hanging out at a bar ordering a burger. Well, I like her style. They wanted to be original, and amuse me greatly, so they end the film and rolls credits while this burger is being cooked. You have to give them points for style.

I know it may not sound like it's worth a view, but the first entry was pretty good. There is a certain dark humor to the experience with various cameos and other shenanigans going on in the background to enhance the fun. The main werewolf transformation is cool, but it's also funny how they have Karen kind of just looking around while it takes 3 minutes to wrap up. I thought the idea of the werewolves trying to domesticate themselves was interesting and probably should have been fleshed out more. For what it was, "The Howling" was a respectable addition to the werewolf sub-genre. The sequels on the other hand...well, we'll just have to see!

Notable Moment: When the one cop remarks that they're getting interference from too much neon. Welcome to the '80s, pal!

Final Rating: 6/10