A Christmas Carol (2009) Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: You know the drill...Ebenezer Scrooge is haunted by three spirits on Christmas.

Review: Well, it's that time of year again for my annual rendition of the Dickens classic, "A Christmas Carol." This time around we have a version from...argh...Disney. And Jim Carrey as not only Scrooge but the spirits as well? What, ruining "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" wasn't enough? I guess my main gripe with this interpretation is that it can't decide if it wants to be a faithful adaptation or slather that grimy Disney coating of shit all over things. Any time things get serious, and they depict the story in proper form, some idiotic segment occurs that feels like it's pandering to potheads or something. I mean, really, Scrooge shrinking down to mouse-size and being chased by a demonic horse and carriage? Huuuh? Fucking Disney...

So, obviously, the things that work best are when they stick to the source material. In all fairness, the film mostly stays on course with the story and, seemingly, only deviates to pad out the running time. However, there are plenty of aspects dropped that could have been played up if they really needed to fill that 90 minutes. For example, Tiny Tim does not get much attention considering his impending death is one of the main things that affects Scrooge's change of heart. Likewise, the time dealing with Fred and Scrooge's sister are almost entirely dropped. As for Jim Carrey...he isn't that bad to be honest. The rest of the cast are all decent too despite having bit roles. I am not a fan of CGI family movies, but I suppose this was an okay medium for a tale such as this.

As for the film's failings...hmm...where to begin? Well to kick things off let's address the copious amounts of upskirt shots of Scrooge. There were so many it was easily rivaling even the most hardcore, Japanese schoolgirl porn (HIGHLY recommended!) Okay, but seriously, the film is boggled down with mindless decisions that reeked of an executive feeling like things weren't Disney enough. I was especially annoyed by this retarded incarnation of the Ghost of Christmas Past. What on earth was that abomination?! Or the dancing of Fezziwig and his wife...oh god...can't take it. And what was up with Scrooge falling all over the place? For an old man, he sure can take a beating. In fact, remember in the book how Scrooge is always falling all over the place and miraculously not dying? Oh that's right, that never happened and slapstick comedy hardly fits this type of narrative. Probably the most egregious offense is how unconvincing this Scrooge's transition to nice guy was; I just didn't buy it. We don't get the kind of development other versions try to portray; the film was certainly hurting for any kind of emotional resonance.

I don't know...I found myself incredibly bored watching this. I'm only giving this a good rating due to using "A Christmas Carol" as the premise. If I rated based on my feelings alone this would be like a 4.5/10. The thing is, you can have fun with "A Christmas Carol" just as the Muppet version showed us. But you have to commit to things wholeheartedly; you can't half-ass it the way this version did. It's no secret I loathe Disney as a company, but, regardless, this isn't a very good interpretation of the timeless classic one way or another. Just stick to the Patrick Stewart version or the Muppets or the black and white versions...they're all better and more pleasing to the eyes.

Notable Moment: Any scene with that moronic interpretation of the Ghost of Christmas Past. Did no one in pre-production look at that monstrosity and chime in about the laughable design?

Final Rating: 6/10

Wind Chill Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Two college kids, heading home for Christmas break, become stranded along a haunted road.

Review: This isn't a full-blown Christmas movie per se, but it'll do the trick for this time of year. And, similarly to "Krampus," you will want to huddle under the blankets while watching. Now, I do like this movie, however, the criticisms laid against "Wind Chill" are more than fair. More specifically, the pacing is slow, the action is light, and, realistically, they had enough material for a half hour TV show. What does redeem the film is the brilliantly, snowy scenery combined with an engaging mystery as to what is happening. Does the story deliver on that mystery? Eh...debatable but not really. At the same time, there is a, somewhat, charming romance subplot between the two leads; though it annoys me to no end that neither character was named! Why do movies keep doing that?

The general premise is intriguing as we follow the girl--we will call her Emily--as she attempts to find a ride home for Christmas break. The film covers why she would willingly travel with a stranger, and college kids notoriously do stupid things to be cheap. Anyway, the guy giving the ride--we'll call him Ashton--is presented as an obvious red herring. In fact, I'm not entirely sure where they were going with this character at the beginning since it was as clear as day to any viewer he isn't going to be evil or anything. Sure, he's a bit of a stalker, but he explains his tactics in film and it makes sense from a dweebie, college kid's perspective. Surprise, Emily is the girl of his dreams (or whatever), and he just wanted some alone time with her so he arranged to be her ride. Since the emphasis of the story is about ghosts, much of this comes off as filler to stretch out the ideas surrounding this haunted road. This leads me to the actual main antagonist, a ghostly cop who tends to kill passengers every holiday season on this particular stretch of road he patrolled when alive. So the gist of the plot revolves around the two college kids trying not to freeze to death once they've crashed on this road. Likewise, the ghostly cop attempts to add them to his list of victims yet can't seal the deal for whatever reason. There is plenty of tension throughout, and, as I mentioned, that frigid imagery is powerful stuff. I kind of liked the romance building between the two as they struggled not to freeze, and I appreciate the general mood and atmosphere presented. Unfortunately, the pacing begins to drag with little happening for massive periods. Many scenes that could have been intense falter instead. By the end, the resolution to these events felt lackluster as Ashton simply dies, his ghost saves Emily, and that's only after a bit of last minute shenanigans. The Christmas element does add a little spice, however, it's greatly underutilized when it could have played a larger role.

Overall, "Wind Chill" is more of a mixed bag with quality production value. You have a bunch of great ideas and an original premise to set you off, but the follow through just isn't there. Events start off creepily enough yet that initial intrigue dissipates all too quickly as if a second writer finished the script or something. Either they should have condensed the story down to be a short (or anthology segment) or plot elements like the romance or cop's backstory should have been greatly expanded upon to fill out the slow parts. Instead, we get a lot of scenes where the characters suddenly gain second, third, fourth, infinite winds of energy to do things when they're seemingly dying only seconds prior. I do still recommend checking this out since the story is incredibly offbeat, but it doesn't completely embrace the holiday horror aspect you might want at this time of year.

Notable Moment: When eel-man pops up. Who, or what, the fuck was that supposed to be?

Final Rating: 6/10

Krampus (2015) Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: After their Christmas begins to fall apart, a family is tormented by Krampus and his demonic minions.

Review: Coming from the writer/director of the amazing "Trick 'r Treat," I had hoped "Krampus" could be for Christmas horror what "Trick 'r Treat" was for Halloween horror. Alas, "Krampus" is not in the same league, but it is still a decent film in its own right. For me, it's the comedic direction that hurt the experience as the stakes feel low and the scenarios are too outlandish. "Trick 'r Treat" has a significantly better balance of tone. However, the real make it or break it moment is in regard to the ending--this ending was a big pile of meh.

I've covered the myth of Krampus before, but, for those unfamiliar, he's essentially a version of Santa that deals with the naughty children. In this instance, they claim that Krampus comes to those who lose hope on Christmas. This kinda makes sense, but it bugged me from the onset since these characters aren't particularly deserving of the fate that awaits them. Sure, some of them are assholes, but you'd think Krampus would have a bone to pick with actual evil people. Likewise, Krampus is depicted as being evil himself which is more hypocritical rather than him being a kind of moral authority against the naughty on Christmas. Eh...this is just nitpicking at this point. Anyway, what really worked for this film was the cinematography. The snowy scenery was well done and things felt like, as a character says, a twisted fairy tale; things looked so cold I wanted a blanket to wrap myself in! This general approach was the right move in instilling a magical, yet terrifying, situation for the characters to deal with. I do feel this setup was squandered slightly, however, the look and style is on point nonetheless. Another strong point is with a couple of the creature concepts; Krampus looks intimidating and a few of his killer toys are imaginative. I really wanted these ideas to be explored in a serious manner though.

As for the shortcomings, much of the problems lie with this comedic tone. The use of CGI, killer gingerbread men was a moronic idea both outright and in implementation. Considering all the other evil toys had a somewhat scary design, it was confusing as to why gingerbread men would receive as much screen time as they did. Another major problem is with the pacing. It's not that the film drags, but too much of the story involves characters just sitting around or staring out the window. Good film making needs to keep things rolling and only show scenes that contribute to the overall premise; these tedious scenes felt like filler or were an amateurish mistake. Finally, that ending really sucked. What was the point of anything really? Some kid tears up a letter to Santa and everyone goes to hell over it?! Likewise, if it was just this family learning their lesson, what became of all the other victims we see? Are they imaginary? I rarely say this, but that felt like a huge plot hole. I don't know...I was leaning more toward a 6.5/10 until the ending...so yeah.

All things considered, this is an above average film bolstered by the look and snowy landscape. The story does make you wonder where this is all heading, but the payoff isn't quite where it should be at. The actors are hamming things up too, but it doesn't bother me given the outlandish scenarios depicted. Come to think of it, maybe a more Christmas-y vibe would have enhanced things...like playing Christmas songs that complemented a situation in an ironic way. Oh well. I do have my gripes yet I can still offer a recommendation to casual audiences. As far as veterans of horror go, I think this will be on the disappointing side since it includes nothing we haven't seen before. Still, it's probably worth a view just for the sake of promoting Christmas horror of this higher production quality.

Notable Moment: When the one sister is eaten by the jack-in-the-box creature. This was a cool idea for a monster, but it should have been a lot scarier in context. I mean, the other characters more or less shrug this horrific sight off.

Final Rating: 6/10