Carved (2024) Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Zany antics ensue when a mutant pumpkin gains sentience and goes on a killing spree.

Review: What the hell was this shit? This was like an edgy Disney channel movie in the worst of ways. You'd think a goofy plot about a killer pumpkin would leave itself open for fun hi-jinks, but, instead, "Carved" is painfully boring. The running time felt like an eternity, even though it's relatively short, and I was starting to doze off a few times. Probably the most egregious aspect is that the movie was trying so hard to be funny and failing epically.

There are a lot of scenarios you could imagine happening with a killer pumpkin--creative deaths or set pieces to work with. Oh no, no. Instead, let's have the characters spend half the movie hiding in one location after another as they discuss their cornball drama. Yes, thank you. Worse, everyone pretty much dies the same way with either their head ripped off or impaled by the pumpkin tentacles. I kept thinking the pumpkin would grow bigger or further mutate to up the ante. Nope. Maybe there will be an epic final fight where the monster is fully unleashed? Nah, it is simply, unceremoniously shoved into some kind of mulcher quite easily. Realistically this creature could have been killed at any point which further makes the story pointless and contrived.

Are there positives? Sure, I guess. While I found the humor and tone way off, I can appreciate the filmmakers trying to have fun with the material. The core concept, while not original, offers up something beyond a masked killer or ghost associated with Halloween horror. Um, some of the deaths were neat I suppose. The film was competently put together. Uh, I think that's all I got.

I'm trying to figure out who the audience would be for this kind of trash. The comedy style, mixed with with teen, cheesy main characters, creates this CW-esque lameness that doesn't blend well with the gore. There weren't even any good puns or a smashing pumpkins joke or anything! Come on, dude, killing me here. I'm sure there will be others out there that can appreciate the campy nature of this movie, but I just kept thinking this was absolutely fucking retarded.

Notable Moment: You'd think a movie about a killer pumpkin would have some crazy kills or scenes but nope. I suppose the best is when the reporter gets decapitated and his head put on a scarecrow.

Final Rating: 4/10

Dark Harvest Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Every Halloween the boys in a small town must kill a supernatural creature before midnight or else a great calamity will befall everyone.

Review: "Dark Harvest" is the kind of movie that has a cool premise and fantastic visuals--invoking vibes of "The Hunger Games" meets "Lord of the Flies." Unfortunately, this is also the kind of story that only works if you don't think about the internal logistics of the universe. The sheer, unbridled levels of shenanigans to the Swiss-cheese plot is going to cause an aneurysm for a lot of viewers. Despite the flaws, I can see this becoming something of a cult classic as the years roll by especially considering it was based on an acclaimed book. In this instance, I didn't read the book so, perhaps, answers were provided in that iteration?

What works? The intrigue behind this Sawtooth Jack character that the boys have to kill each year is captivating. I like the effects and looks of the creature, but the twist regarding his identity is pretty clear if you understand that this genre is young adult all the way; and believe me, that YA tone is dripping from every scene for better or worse. Regardless, the pacing is on point, the order in which characters died genuinely surprised me, and the actors are decent enough. The best parts for me were the visuals and cinematography--that Halloween-vibe was captured respectably well. Overall, there is a lot to love and appreciate within the production, design, and aesthetics.

So what isn't working? We get so little backstory and motivation for everything that it becomes mindless. How or why did anything like this even begin? To grow some damn corn?! Trust me, you don't need supernatural rituals to do that. There are hints of this almost cult-like group controlling the town, but even if they literally used magic to create this ritual, how does anything work on a day to day basis? They act like this town is isolated from the world yet they are fully stocked with Coke, candy, and whatever essential food and supplies you'd find anywhere. I'm not going to list the--no exaggeration--hundreds of questions I could ask about the hows and whys of it all. There are things like what stops anyone from leaving on foot or going postal, so to speak, or any kind of nonsense like why reward Corvettes and structure the town in a poor/rich dynamic when they're seemingly using magic or supernatural means to bring them fortune? I mean, you honestly want me to believe one cop and a farmer are literally all that stands between this ritual coming undone every year?! Look, I've watched God knows how many movies, and have reviewed getting close to 900 on this blog, but few films have left me with as many questions as this one. It hurts--BIG TIME--the viewing experience unless you shut off your brain as they say.

I truly want to like this movie, and I still do for the most part, but it's hard to ignore a story failing this hard at suspension of disbelief. The rules of this reality exist solely because the writer makes it so but not due to their storytelling abilities. On one hand, the production side of things is above average and great at times. Likewise the basic premise is fun and engaging in its presentation, keeping you intrigued throughout. On the other hand, if you've read enough of my reviews you know how annoyed I am with stories that waste their potential, and this is one of the worst offenders. I'd still recommend this film to anyone curious from the premise alone, but you must temper your expectations substantially.

Notable Moment: The opening sequence and narration. The tone and style is set extremely well even if the film itself cannot maintain that air of mystery.

Final Rating 5.5/10

The Jester (2023) Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: After their father's death, two sisters are terrorized by a supernatural creature on Halloween.

Review: I read numerous reviews calling this film a "Terrifier" ripoff or mentioning Art the clown from that series. This is somewhat understandable given the time frame of release, and the goofball nature of the clown killers, but it's not an accurate representation of "The Jester." Ironically enough, like Art the clown, the Jester character here also existed beforehand in short films years before producing this feature-length movie. So, yes, the two do parallel considerably, but the two were both created in the short film and indie circuit independently of one another.

With that nonsense out of the way, what are you actually getting with "The Jester?" Eh, nothing too crazy to say the least. If it weren't for the cursing, and slightly more gruesome deaths, this felt like an edgy episode of "Are You Afraid of the Dark." Clown-like villain wastes his Halloween tormenting two sisters for no discernible reason and doesn't even kill either one. Weak. By the way, the drama between the two sisters is straight up, Lifetime channel CORN BALL as fuck. The opening scene made it seem like this particular family was being targeted for a specific reason--and so does the ending (sort of)--but, either I missed something, or no one stopped to wonder why any of this was happening.

The Jester is sort of cool as this reality-warping, trickster demon of some kind, but he should have had a makeup effect rather than a mask. There is also no explanation regarding his background, if Halloween connects to him, or what he hopes to accomplish by killing off this specific family. Maybe the shorts hold the answer, but the movie itself tells you jack beans. At the end, when the Jester arranges for the one sister to kill the other, and neither dies, you are left wondering if you simply wasted your time. Plus, he kind of just gives up after this because...why not? Ehh, it read better on paper probably.

I'm probably being too generous, but this is more mediocre than outright bad. I'm sure others will have less tolerance for the low-budget nature of the film which I get. As a PG-13 kids horror movie it would have been better and fit the tone better. There are plenty of stupid moments, but I do appreciate many of the ideas and concepts that could be expanded on. The ending is noticeably stupid so that makes it hard to recommend unless you're a fan of the shorts or just seeking out another one of the bazillion Halloween-themed horror films I pull out of my ass every year.

Notable Moment: When the dad is killed at the beginning. The hanging effect was impressive considering the budget; the obvious harness on the actor does hurt the final shot however.

Final Rating: 5/10