OneChanbara: The Movie - Vortex Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Scantily clad women fight to save the world from zombies and to stop some kind of witch.

Review: As with the first entry, there exists a multitude of alternate titles for this film that may confuse the viewer when factoring in the video games as well--so be aware of this fact. Honestly, there's not a lot different with this sequel, and I should stress that the term "sequel" isn't even a fitting description. This movie is more of an alternate universe with the same characters, setting, and situations; that means Saki and Reiko are back alive among other things. Unfortunately, this also means that the creators did not take any steps to improve upon the first film's numerous flaws. The biggest complaint I've read other discuss about these two movies, and I agree, is that they are not that entertaining. I already discussed with the last entry how they should have had more fun with the material, made things more lighthearted, and properly applied the exploitative, over the top, splatterfest-vibe from films like "The Machine Girl." Instead, the story is somehow more boring than the last one, the action isn't as good, and even those drama elements that felt out of place the first time are removed yet replaced with nothing. In essence, if you saw the first movie, you watched this one as well.

Let me say this up front since it annoys me more than anything: all of the original cast has been replaced. Nooo! Manami Hashimoto--come back to me! I mean, the new girls are really good looking too, but, eh, I guess it's up to your own preference, but I thought the original girls were all better except this Aya is sexier. The story is still about Aya fighting in the same bikini trying to destroy all the zombies that have overrun the planet. This time Saki is good and the sisters fight together, as opposed to the first film, but this is more in tune with the video games; likewise, Saki is wearing the more iconic blue and white schoolgirl outfit. Reiko is now known to Aya from the onset and she appears to be taking care of orphaned kids, but they don't stress anything about losing her own kid like the first movie; this Reiko looks a lot different although they both share the same...ahem...top shelf in common. That annoying comedy relief guy is replaced by a wannabe fighter who serves as Aya's makeshift love interest; can't we simply have a world of nothing but scantily clad women fighting? This dude also possesses the ability to nullify the "Imichi blood," but this plot point never serves a purpose or becomes relevant except to give a reason for Aya to be drawn to the guy.

That whole "Imichi blood" plotline is still important as it's once again needed to complete the villain's plan, but they still apply this plot element idiotically. For some reason the villain, sometimes called "Mizari" while other times called Himiko and trying to look like the emperor, will gain immortality from drinking the blood, yet needs it from two sources--you'd think that means Aya and Saki. Apparently, she wants Saki and some random little girl they come across which doesn't make the most sense. Speaking of which, the villain is like a witch or something...I really don't know since they don't explain it and there appears to be no basis as to what she is until now. The only thing mentioned is the villain herself talking about a queen of the zombies, but she's obviously too smart to be any zombie and then she can shapeshift too? Uh...your guess is as good as mine on this one. The way the witch convinces Saki to help her is some bullshit about claiming she can resurrect their parents; this part feels extra stupid and contrived. As you may have easily guessed, the witch gets what she wants but is eventually killed by Aya. And then, literally, the moment the villain's body hits the floor, the movie abruptly ends--just like that with no resolution or anything. What the fuck?

To sum things up, everything I said that was wrong with the first film still applies here except somehow even more boring, less action, and such a terrible ending; at least the first one had an acceptable, if not decent, ending. Nothing new has been added except tiny differences, the villain's scheme, and now Saki is good. But let's face it, if you're even mildly interested in these movies you're only watching this for the ladies or else something may be seriously wrong with your cognitive abilities. So since it all comes down to the beautiful actresses involved, although some decent action would help, you should probably pick the version you feel has the better group. To this film's credit, it does try to show off Aya's buxom and firm body more, but I still prefer my dear Ms. Hashimoto as Reiko from the first film.

Notable Moment: Since you will probably be completely confused as to whether the movie is over or not, there's actually a little montage during the credits that showcases Aya in close-ups of her bikini-body. If only this degree of exploitation were more present in the film...

Final Rating: 4/10

OneChanbara Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A women with cursed blood must stop her sister and a scientist from destroying the world with super zombies.

Review: First, let me say that this film and its sequel have like a million alternate titles; I don't care to mention them all. The annoying part is that the sequel is a stand alone film from this one, so it makes it confusing as to which movie you are watching. Confounding things even further is that these films are based on a video game franchise that often has these same titles for their games. Hopefully you can sort things out! Anyway, as you might have guessed by that poster, this franchise as a whole is meant to cater to a certain type of audience. While you may expect the story and events to unfold in a manner similar to the likes of "The Machine Girl" and "Deadball," this film surprisingly takes itself seriously and never plays up or properly exploits the outlandish story. In fact, a lot of the decisions with this film completely baffle me, because it should be as over the top as it appears but fails tremendously in this regard.

I will quickly run down the plot since there's almost none. In the future, some corporation (wannabe Umbrella) can resurrect the dead and this leads to them obviously losing control. Zombies then take over the world with one of the rogue scientists still trying to modify the formula to have loyal zombies and more powerful ones. Honestly, I don't know if the villain even had a legitimate plan. Two sisters from a lineage of sword fighters, Aya and Saki, have something they refer to as "Imichi blood" which somehow magically gives them powers when covered in blood...or just whenever it seems like; this is not fully explained in this film, but they go over it more in the games and sequel. There's something about Saki kind of being the source to the zombies yet the scientist wants Aya anyway. It doesn't make a lot of sense, but all you need to know is that Saki and the scientist are bad and Aya is the hero. Aya wants to kill Saki because she murdered their father, and Saki hates Aya due to jealousy. Most of the movie they are simply fighting zombies until Aya tracks down the laboratory of the scientist, kills his minions, and then kills Saki in an epic showdown. The end.

There are so many small gripes that they add up into one giant mess of a film. Aya is clad in a bikini and cowgirl hat as she fights zombies and Saki is in a classic schoolgirl getup--how do you not make that work?! The zombies are inconsistent and pointless since the real threat appears to be Saki. The scientist dies like a little bitch to Aya's comic relief sidekick which is pathetic. Speaking of which, they throw in a dramatic flair--yeah, drama--rather than a humorous approach to the material. For example, the sidekick is whiny about his sister, who turns out to be a huge Gogo ripoff from "Kill Bill," and Aya is constantly moping about her dead father. There's a random sex scene which connects to nothing and really stands out since nothing like this happens anywhere else. The dialogue is lame, but should have been ridiculous in a good way. I don't know how else to explain that they simply do not exploit their own material when it was ripe for the pickings! Where are the camp and cornball scenes at? Why did they try to present the story seriously when it is impossible for the viewer to look at this setup and characters as serious? If you're expecting anything in terms of the splatterfest and over the top offerings Japan is known for, this is most certainly going to disappoint.

With all that said, it isn't a complete waste. The ladies are all beautiful, sexy, and scantily clad. I was waiting until this moment to bring up a character they come across named Reiko, played by Manami Hashimoto. Oh...my...god...that is one insanely beautiful woman! I mean, god damn! I've seen a lot of hot chicks in recent years, but Ms. Hashimoto is easily one of the best. I wish she could have played Aya, but you can't have everything I suppose. Other than the ladies completely enthralling you, the fight scenes aren't too bad, and the final fight between Aya and Saki is commendable if not dragging a bit. If done in a different way, this could have been a good film, but eh, wasted potential seems to be the way I describe the majority of movies I watch--good ideas but horrid execution.

Overall, I would say this film falls under the mediocre category. They missed the chance to make the film fun in favor of pointless drama and odd script decisions. It really isn't that hard to make an entertaining film out of a bikini cowgirl fighting hordes of zombies led by a mad scientist and his schoolgirl minion. Instead, you have a cheap film that feels stupid instead of so bad it's good. At the same time, the ladies are almost worth lending your time for a view...especially to see that goddess Ms. Hashimoto. If you've played the games, this probably will be worth your time, and maybe if you're a fan of those over the top splatterfests I've mentioned, you just need to understand what you're getting yourself into.

Notable Moment: When Aya and Saki finally face off. The fight itself makes little sense, but it was kind of cool for what it was.

Final Rating: 4.5/10

The devastatingly sexy Ms. Hashimoto!

The Fourth Kind Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A psychologist believes she and her patients may have been alien abductees.

Review: Oh, what a waste, what a waste. I can't remember who, but someone warned me not to watch this movie and I really should have listened. This is yet another film I had to watch in increments, because I was bored out of my mind. It's already hard enough to make a scary movie involving aliens, but then they had to go and borrow from "The Blair Witch Project's" marketing campaign and truly blow it. I can't even believe this movie is trying to make people think any of this shit is based on reality. It's one thing if they implied it could be real or followed the formula of previous found-footage films, but no, they come out claiming everything is real and use "reenactments" as their presentation. At least Blair Bitch merely left the reality of the events depicted up in the air until the credits rolled, and, with the advent of the internet, they had an edge. If you couldn't tell by the typical Hollywood cliches that this tale of alien abduction was fake, then perhaps the multiple lawsuits against the film would clue you in.

The film idiotically opens with Milla Jovovich telling the audience everything is allegedly real, but interpreting the bullshit is up to the audience. See, it's this going the extra mile to convince people things are real when they're not that is so annoying! What you need to know from the onset is that there are two actors playing each character: the known actor doing the "reenactments" and the "real" person. The main character, Abby, who looks like a fucking alien herself, is supposedly telling her story at some interview that is trying to set the record straight (to who?). Abby is conveniently getting over her husband's murder at the exact moment she discovers some of her patients appear to have been abducted by aliens; how do you only just discover this now? Their minds' struggle to see the aliens, but for some reason they think they're owls...uh okay; speaking of which, the audience never sees the aliens either so don't hold your breath for that. When the patients go under hypnotherapy, they relive the abductions that the aliens erase from their memories. This then leads one to go apeshit and murder his family and commit suicide. Apparently Abby also has been abducted--oh and Abby has some stupid kids that will sort of become relevant later. The aliens are really, really stupid and for no apparent reason speak Sumerian for contrivance's sake. The aliens also like to talk tons of shit while abducting you and gloat about being God. I mean duh, like come on, the moment I burst into anyone's home to abduct them the first thing I do is trash talk in Sumerian--I mean, there's always that off chance a researcher will materialize out of the blue to translate my ramblings! There's pointless police drama and they throw in a skeptic simply because we need one, and there's this whole "Mothman Prophecies" vibe to everything and even has one of the same actors. Another patient goes under hypnotherapy and he is seemingly possessed by the aliens...I don't know. Blah blah blah the aliens abduct Abby's daughter right in front of her which was acted terribly. You actually see the spaceship of the aliens for a split second which only demonstrates how full of shit this movie is. Finally Abby is possessed by the aliens too for whatever reason and this experience cripples her as we learn pointlessly that her husband was not murdered but committed suicide. The film ends with the actors still trying to make it seem like everything we saw was real. Oh and in case you're thinking "well, what the fuck is the fourth kind?" well that is the term for being abducted by aliens.

If only I could bitch slap everyone involved in this film's creation. I swear, someone was like "we want to do a Mothman Prophecies 2 but we don't know how" and this was the result. There are aspects that had potential and the subject matter could have worked under the right conditions. Instead of trying so hard to lie to the audience about the validity of the film's events, why not go full Blair Bitch and act like these tapes were found after Abby "disappeared" or some bullshit like that; at least that would explain why no one would have seen the footage until now. Nothing is scary, the aliens make no sense and act stupid, the acting is inconsistent, too many pointless contrivances like Abby's daughter's blindness, and the attempt to portray the events as real borders on pretentious. Definitely do not waste your time on this film unless you like the idea of owl-looking, Sumarian trash talking, abduct you in front of the police, completely idiotic aliens!

Notable Moment: When the one guy is floating off the bed. It's in the trailer, does look cool, but should have been better nonetheless.

Final Rating: 4.5/10