Double Feature: The Muppet Christmas Carol and A Muppet Family Christmas Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: The Muppets are at it again in these two Christmas specials.

Review: Alright, time for the final review of the year, and I'll take things out in style. I discussed last year how much I love "A Christmas Carol" so I wanted to take a look at one of the more fun incarnations of the story. On top of that, I decided I might as well take a trip into the past in order to dig up a beloved TV special. I've always had a soft spot for the Muppets despite an extremely childish sense of humor to their jokes and bits. What can I say, they're genuinely good, clean fun for the whole family to enjoy. Okay, let's jump into this!

The Muppet Christmas Carol: Oddly enough, the most striking thing I recall whenever I watch this film is how, when I was in college, a girl asked me if this was a horror movie! Yeah...a straight up splatterfest. To be fair, I obviously had a certain reputation with film and horror--and she was from Vietnam--but come on, my dear! Oh...college hijinks! Anyway, "MCC" took various liberties with the source material to keep things rated G and to fit in cornball songs. However, if you overlook the deviations from the story, and appreciate the way the Muppets present their brand of humor, you should have no problem going with the flow.

This time around, Michael "burn down the forest" Caine takes on the role of Scrooge with the remaining cast filled in by the Muppets; though, there are a few exceptions. New characters are added to give the Muppets more positions as well as some characters cut to speed up the pacing. This can be frustratingly annoying to purists but should appease the kiddies; for example: Fred is an asshole and Fan isn't even mentioned. There are a few amusing instances where they play with the names like Fozziewig instead of Fezziwig. As you may guess, the story plays out just as it always has in the hundreds of variations--what with the spirits and redemption yada yada--but this version is especially upbeat. I mean, they end this with, pretty much, every single character celebrating at the Cratchit house. Overall, it's a fun excursion into literature with a Muppet spin on things. If you just so happen to enjoy the Muppets and "A Christmas Carol" alike, you will love this!

A Muppet Family Christmas: Some may be wondering: what the hell this is? Well, it's an amazing TV special from 1987. Basically, this was the ultimate Jim Henson experience as you had, not only, the Muppets, but the "Sesame Street" and "Fraggle Rock" crews. It was only an hour long special, but it's awesome! On youtube they even have versions of this with the commercials intact! It doesn't get any better than that. If you're clueless to this little film's existence, you're seriously missing out, and it's time to rectify that mistake!

There isn't much to the story as the Muppets are simply visiting Fozzie's grandma as a surprise. The grandma had plans to spend Christmas surfing, but she cancels it to accommodate the Muppets. An old man had planned to rent the house while the grandma was gone so you see his anger when dealing with the Muppets. They also keep stressing that the Muppets are weirdos and that the other freaks are "monsters." That's a good one. Needless to say, the typical Muppet humor is employed throughout--with cheesy as hell songs included too. Once all the Muppets have settled in, the "Sesame Street" gang shows up out of the blue to crash the party. The only drama comes into play when a snowstorm starts and Miss Piggy is stranded somewhere. To keep things interesting, Kermit discovers an opening to Fraggle Rock beneath the house. By the end, Miss Piggy conveniently is rescued and all the characters sit around singing carols. Let's just say, this special is off the charts cornball as fuck...but you have got to love it!

I highly recommend checking one or both of these bad boys out while still in the holiday spirit. Obviously you need to like the Muppets, but this is great for when relatives are over or just whenever. The nostalgia is definitely present as well which makes it that much more touching. I can't decide which one is better so I'll leave it up to the viewer to decide the preference. Lastly, happy New Year!

Notable Moment: During "MFC" when they watch a reel of the Muppet babies. That's some pretty good cross-promotion.

Final Rating: 7/10 (for both)

Santa's Slay Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: After a thousand years of bringing Christmas joy, Santa is free to do what he originally intended: to wreak murderous havoc.

Review: Christmas may be over, but when has a little thing like that stopped me? I had heard good things about this film, and it did start off cool, but this feels like a family movie or something. Yeah, sure, maybe there is nudity and gory deaths, but it still felt as if it was made for the Hallmark Channel! Maybe it's the cinematography, or the characters, or the ridiculous setup, but I can't help but imagine the few R-rated elements edited out and this is ready to go for the kiddies. I'm sure others will overlook this aspect, but it was killing the experience for me.

The story is that Santa is really the son of Satan and used to kill people and cause chaos at Christmas time. Then, a thousand years ago, an angel challenged Santa to a curling match in which the angel won. The conditions of this defeat meant that Santa had to spread joy to the world at Christmas time. In the present day, the conditions have worn off, and Santa is free to kill all the people that had been annoying him in recent Christmas memory. This leads to Santa coming to a town unbelievably called "Hell." In Hell, Santa wants to kill the angel who defeated him the millennium ago now that said angel has turned human. By the way, Santa is played by the wrestler, Goldberg, and the other characters are super annoying when I believe they were meant to be funny.

Hijinks ensue around town as Santa kills a bunch of people, and pursues the angel and his grandson. After seemingly killing the angel, Santa tries to kill the grandson and his girlfriend for whatever reason. There are a few moments when you think the film is about to end, but then it continues onward as if forcing that running time to the 90 minute mark (which it didn't meet). The angel manages to come back to save the grandson and claims that Santa will be vulnerable when Christmas is over. Out of the blue, a bunch of people try to shoot Santa as he flees, and the girlfriend's dad appears to use a bazooka on Santa. Yeah, they went there. Santa manages to survive, of course, and they make a big deal about him traveling back to the North Pole as if this is funny.

Eh, I guess I can understand someone thinking this movie is humorous. I felt like it overstays its welcome more than once, and the jokes were too tame given that this is a film with nudity. The kills were decent, and I can appreciate certain aspects that were over the top. The little claymation part was amusing but only added to the notion that this would have worked better as a light horror for kids. Overall, this was simply average--it didn't live up to the applause other reviews I read gave it, but it wasn't a complete waste. However, there are certainly better films to seek out this holiday that's for sure.

Notable Moment: The opening killing spree. If only this film could have maintained that level of over the top humor.

Final Rating: 5/10

Jingle All the Way 2 Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: The same exact plot as the original except make the kid a girl instead of a boy and the dad a divorced redneck instead of a suburban workaholic.

Review: I know, let's take one of the most hated Christmas movies of all time and give it a sequel nearly 20 years later! Why...oh god, WHY?! No, this can't be real, can it? This is the kind of situation where you think you're dreaming and have to do a triple-take. I can't even be mad--this shit is just funny, and I can't stop laughing. This is soooo fucking stupid. Like...was this film's creation someone's dying wish or something? Okay, I'm going to go out on a limb here--so stop me if this sounds too crazy--but what if the makers honestly knew the movie's sheer existence would be so unbelievably idiotic, that the curiosity alone would potentially sell DVDs? I know it worked for me. It's like Pandora's box--I had to know what's inside!

As you may easily guess, the story has absolutely nothing to do with the first film nor acknowledges it in any shape or form. However, the core concept of the plot remains the same with a dad trying to get the hottest toy too late and going all over town with zany antics ensuing. Yeah, because that was hilarious the first time around. While I defend the first film, mostly due to its subtle satire of '90s culture and mindless consumerism, I can't ignore that it was blatantly retarded in most regards. Unfortunately, this film did not understand that brand of satire and appeals directly toward the infantile humor that the present society would be entertained by. This means the jokes manage to be even more juvenile and moronic than the first film's already pathetic sense of humor. How is that possible? Plus, you have that snowball phenomenon I've discussed before whereby each terrible scene tries to out-due the previous one in a race to the bottom.

The original presented the notion of Arnie, a workaholic, trying desperately to prove his love for his son by getting him the toy he wants most. By the end, he realizes that all the son really wanted was for Arnie to spend more time with him. This film, on the other hand, decided to make the father divorced and competing with the stepdad for the favoritism of the daughter. The conflict is that the father is a redneck living in a trailer while the stepdad is the CEO of his own company. The rare toy in question this time is a talking teddy bear except the two dumbass dads fail to realize the girl didn't really want the toy, because they misinterpreted her letter to Santa. By the end, after a seemingly endless barrage of eye-roll inducing scenes, the two dads become friends and the little girl gets the happy family she wants. Oh shut the fuck up. The real moral of the story is don't get married and avoid this disaster altogether.

What can I say, really? The film sort of speaks for itself; it's terrible from start to finish. The jokes are slightly too mature for kids and they admit Santa is not real. At the same time, the plot is too cornball that I can't imagine anyone other than a kid being entertained by it. This means we have a little problem on our hands: the film was designed for no one and rightfully so--it shouldn't exist! If you're a glutton for punishment then I guess put this on as you sit around the fire this Christmas as you will certainly get exactly what you'd expect (and maybe a little more). Perhaps you will find the notion of this film's existence humorous enough to get your through the ordeal.

Notable Moment: The absolute worst moment was when Larry is body slammed by a little person and says he shit himself. Good lord, if that doesn't sum up the feeble-minded demographic they were going for, I don't know what else could.

Final Rating: 3/10