Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!
Plot Summary: Five friends find themselves stalked by wannabe zombies in a haunted forest.
Review: When I reviewed "February 29" I failed to mention that it was actually a part of a collection of four horror films; this film is yet another entry and the other two are "Forbidden Floor" and "Roommates." I don't know when I'll get around to those, but I know I had watched all four at some point years ago not long after their release. It's not a big deal though because the films have no connection to one another as far as I know, and what I do remember is that "February 29" was the best one anyway. So, moving along, this movie pretty much sucks. Here we go again, right? The plot is so simplistic yet they couldn't even execute it with, what appeared to be, a decent budget. I was so bored while watching it that I was growing tempted to skip ahead or just turn it off which is rare for me. This should have been reduced to a half hour (or less) short with its script tightened and the padding cut down drastically; my god, is this movie loaded with so much filler! But the worst part is that the story is presented so overly dramatic as if the death of these characters are meant to tug on the audience's heartstrings or something. I kept thinking, "damn it, die already mother fucker!" Oh, and the pathetic twist at the end is hilariously stupid!
As I mentioned, the plot is mostly straightforward, yet complicated by mindless filler, as five idiots go "climbing" in a forest but somehow become lost while driving. Was there supposed to be a mountain hidden in these woods I missed? Or are they climbing trees? This part of the plot is seriously brushed over since they're supposed to be in a club yet they never mention any of the other members, wonder why they aren't there, and they don't seem all that prepared or dressed properly. The film thankfully sums up the one-dimensional nature of the characters by giving them nicknames that represent their personality which I will refer to them by even though the movie does not. Those nicknames are: Bigbrother, Witch, Tomcat, Lonely, and Twinkie. I will explain that Witch and Twinkie are girls and the other three are guys. Furthermore, I have no idea why that girl's nickname is Twinkie, because I thought that was like a slur against Asians; well, nevertheless, her and Witch are pretty cute! Speaking of such, the main character is Witch, and the film actually begins by showing us that Witch received some sort of clairvoyant ability from her sister who killed herself; this is more or less a contrivance to increase tension and drama but overall never really plays a significant role in the plot. Witch's boyfriend is Bigbrother and he and Lonely are brothers but there is unnecessary tension between them for no reason that is ever disclosed except for something about the boy scouts or some shit like that. I have no idea and don't care.
So the group wanders pointlessly around the forest babbling plot points as a means of exposition until they stumble upon what they refer to as a pagoda. I thought a pagoda was a style of building but if any Koreans understand this better, please enlighten me. Witch warns them not to mess with it but Tomcat and Twinkie just couldn't resist. Somehow messing with these rocks activates, in a manner of speaking, the unexplained supernatural forces residing within the forest. We get absolutely no explanation or understanding of what is behind everything but it somehow creates zombies in an inconsistent manner. The only rule, if you will, established is that if you bleed onto the forest, you're slowly (or fast if the plot demands it) turned into a zombie. It really makes no sense if you think about it and by not having an understanding of the cause makes it even more frustrating to watch. The first to turn is Tomcat who later kills Twinkie in an overly painful way I'll discuss later. Lonely cuts himself like an idiot and transforms so unbearably slow over the course of half the film. Eventually they run into some weird hermit who recounts the tale of his family turning into zombies and being forced to kill them. Even after all the hermit says, Bigbrother still hits the old guy and makes him bleed; for some reason the hermit disappears into thin air. At this point it feels like the film is just about wrapping up as they make their way back to the car, but wait, what's this? 50 more minutes left of the movie?! You've got to be shitting me. After painfully and tediously dragging out every scene to the maximum point of annoyance, Lonely finally turns and is killed by Witch, the hermit is killed by Bigbrother because he somehow regains his human side (why hello contrivance), and Tomcat and Twinkie are killed in zombie form. Well, it looks like this is going to end on a happy note when all of a sudden Witch decides to turn herself into a zombie because she claims she had a vision of Bigbrother turning into a zombie and her killing him (and apparently the road is now apart of the forest). Because the emo part of her mind says she couldn't bear to kill her dumb boyfriend, she decides it's better for him to be forced to kill her?! This is completely ignoring the fact that you fucking idiots are both safe! Okay, so is it finally over now that all the lame drama has been exhausted? Nope. In what I'm sure the writer's thought would be a clever twist, there is one more zombie out of the blue. Granted, the fact that the hermit does show a photo of his family that you don't realize was taken by an unknown party was kind of creative, but it makes no sense if you think about it. Wouldn't you be weary of someone running around the forest taking photos of your family? Now if they are implying the final zombie was the hermit's daughter, that's still bull because why would she be left out of the photo and flashbacks? But even if we make up an excuse for this mysterious photographer's existence, it still doesn't explain how this zombie girl was turned and why she was hiding in a car for a YEAR only to come out at the exact moment Bigbrother appears to be safe! It's so asinine and farfetched I have few words to describe how stupid it is! But is this movie finally over yet?! Nope, still not over. The final scene wraps up the bullshit by a news reporter as we see some cliche criminals heading into the forest.
I'm nodding my head is disbelief here. If it weren't for the decent makeup effects and gore, the score would be even lower. The story is so weak, it's plagued by obvious filler while still managing to be way too long, there are no satisfying explanations given, the characters have no depth even though the film seems to be convinced of the contrary, and worst of all it is beyond boring. Even the cute girls couldn't save this one and, hell, they killed off Twinkie so quick she hardly even counts. Do yourself a favor and do not waste your time with this one.
Notable Moment: When Twinkie is stabbed in her crotch to death. This scene seems to have bothered people the most to the point they claim it's a rape scene. I don't agree with that, but this kind of death was way out of place, did not fit the tone, and, honestly, Twinkie didn't deserve such a brutal and horrific death.
Final Rating: 4/10
1 comment:
That crotch stabbing took forever
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