Witchboard Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: After playing with a ouija board at a party, a couple find themselves haunted by a malevolent spirit.

Review: You know, there's a Korean horror movie with pretty much the same title and neither that film nor this one could make proper use of such a simplistic horror gimmick: the ouija board. It really can't be that hard can it? Damn it, the few shots in "Paranormal Activity" 1 and 2 that dealt with using a ouija board were scarier than this. Anyway, this is yet another '80s horror movie like no one has seen but me and for good reason. I remember renting this shit from the video store thinking it had a cool cover and promising plot so how could it go wrong? Well, quite easily actually. I felt as though they were attempting to channel the fear of possession that "The Exorcist" had except that that movie is more known for its awesome makeup effects rather than reliance on the ouija board. However, this film had no demon and instead employs a dumb ghost called Darth Vad--I mean, Malfeitor. We only even see Malfeitor once in a somewhat amusing jump scare while the rest of the film he's invisible, I guess, because we only see a lame-looking point of view shot when he's killing idiots; and even when we see him, he's not scary looking at all. Beyond this, the only major tension is that the main girl, Linda, is slowly being possessed through some made up bullshit the movie calls "progressive entrapment." Oh boy and when she's possessed talk about some bad acting! I should probably note the only real draw for many is the Linda character who is played by Tawny Kitaen who is known for her appearances in Whitesnake's music videos and being somewhat of an '80s sex symbol. But this movie came before all of that, and, honestly, she is not doing it for me at all. Yes, believe it or not, no extra points for the chick this time! For those Tawny fans out there, you should know you do briefly see her naked in the shower so I suppose there's that...but eh.

The reason why this movie sucks so much is mostly because of the super lame '80s love triangle; and yeah, I'm singling out the '80s on this one because the presentation was just that right level of hokeyness. So Linda's current boyfriend is a douchebag named Jim. Her ex-boyfriend is Brandon: Jim's former best friend. Brandon is undoubtably the better man yet Jim is supposed to be the main character and our hero? This makes no sense because he's such a huge douche and dumb as fuck. To make matters worse, it is later revealed Jim is supposed to be really smart?! Uhh no, the evidence speaks for itself. The whole film keeps giving you one reason after another to question why Linda is with Jim and why did she even break up with Brandon in the first place. All I can say is it's a major contrivance. I suppose you could argue Brandon was too busy playing with his ouija board and little ghost boyfriend but still. And come on, Jimbo acts like he's fucking Han Solo with lines like Linda saying, "I love you," and this clown says, "I know." Oh shut the fuck up, bitch! At least they had sense enough to show Linda having this "what the fuck?" expression on her face. Plus, Jimbo throws too many tantrums like a big baby for me to take him seriously as the hero. And then the reason why Brandon and Jim don't get along is so unbelievably stupid and boring. Is this a horror movie or a soap opera? Too much of this film is dedicated to this lameness!

There's not too much to say about this shit because it is mediocre all around. The acting is bad, the characters are annoying, there's nothing scary, the plot is totally wasted, and it's more of a lame soap opera with light horror elements. The way they defeat Malfeitor is beyond idiotic because all they had to do was destroy the ouija board which could have occurred at any moment in the film! While the film does have some entertaining cornball moments, the only real draw I can see would be for Tawny fans out there which I am not one of them sadly. This is an easy pass.

Notable Moment: At the end when Jim is knocked through a window. This shot is so hilariously bad that it's awesome!

Final Rating: 4.5/10