House of the Dead Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A group of idiots head to a mysterious island for a rave that has been overrun by zombies.

Review: Well, it's another Friday the 13th, and I thought I'd do something special. Why not review a movie notorious for being scary...scary that it was ever created. Often a contender for worst horror film in existence, "House of the Dead" is based on the video game franchise of the same title. Funny enough, Sega fully backed this piece of shit until the backlash hit and they dropped any kind of association. I think it's fairly easy to pinpoint the source of the problems: Uwe Boll. You do not have Uwe Boll's name attached to your movie unless you're prepared for it to be an absolute abomination. I remember as clear as day the first time I watched this movie after hitting rental stores, because HotD was a game I loved to play when arcades were still around. To say I was not pleased would be an understatement. But, over the years, this movie has become like a "Batman & Robin" to me. It's simply so unbelievably moronic you have to see the humor in it all. I'm laughing now just thinking about it!

I keep forgetting, have I mentioned my friend's one stupid little brother yet? Well if I haven't, back in, maybe, 2001/2 he wrote a story strikingly similar to HotD. The sad part was his story was a whopping 3 pages long and he was like 11 or 12! Did Uwe Boll and crew somehow get a hold of this kid's magnum opus?! Anyway, this movie does surprisingly have a few legitimately good aspects that people overlook. For one, I thought the zombies looked decent with a few looking pretty cool. They mostly stuck to traditional gore effects, and there are a lot of these effects heavily strewn about. You do get random bouts of titties here and there that should, surely, please the demographic this film was going for; that first girl in particular was nice. Umm, there are a few B-movie actors that it's nice to see them working? I think I'm all out of good things to say.

Okay, now let's examine the seemingly endless faults, in no particular order, and why they're so bad they're good. First up, what's with the ridiculous character names? Liberty, Karma, Captain Kirk, Casper, etc.? Why would there be a rave on an island in the middle of nowhere that is apparently sponsored by Sega? If the island is so scary, and the main cast has such trouble getting there, how the hell did all the other ravers make it? Did we really need corny and irrelevant plot devices with the main cast...or was that supposed to be character development? Obviously the dialogue is horrendously bad with some of the worst lines you could possibly imagine. The characters make idiotic decisions, but that is almost to be expected. Yes, please introduce the villain halfway into the movie and then not even have a real appearance until the last 15 minutes. The villain's motives are beyond retarded and he gets killed very easily for someone who has survived for like 400 years. Why is Clint Howard always asked to play Clint Howard? That's nice and convenient that Captain Kirk brought a shit ton of guns, ammo, and grenades to the island for no discernible reason. "Nah uh, he was using it for smuggling!" Oh really, he uses the island for smuggling yet never noticed the fucking zombies?! Speaking of which, the zombies are created from the villain's blood...how? So the main cast are just everyday douchebags, but you slap a gun in their hand and they instantly become expert marksmen? Hell, they also become incredible martial artists while they're at it too. Oh, that's perfect you mention the one chick dumped you to focus on fencing so she can have a contrived sword fight at the end; plus, who dumps anyone to focus on fencing? For the "lulzzz," right? Why did the main guy have like a LSD trip when Liberty is killed? For that matter, why is he tripping out instead of saving the poor girl? He just lets her die while she's begging him, specifically, to save her. The fuck is with the 360 camera spins around the characters? Yes, please make every other transition a shot from the video games--makes perfect fucking sense. While you're at it, sure, cut randomly to shots of the video game as these expert marksmen are flawlessly killing zombies without batting an eye. Using slow-mo isn't always a good idea if it gives the audience more time to notice the visible set pieces like springboards and stunt mats. Seriously...you're going to add a song that has the title of your movie in it? That worked fine in the '80s, but you can't pull that shit in 2003 and especially in a movie like this; and that song is terrible. Huh...so the main guy that survives is supposed to be the villain from the first video game? How does that work? Why are the opening credits giving me a seizure? Why would any girl, no matter how attention starved, allow a creepy dude to film her chest in an almost hypnotic state? Everyone is dying and you're on an island full of zombies but ahahahahaha a guy is covered in shit? Brilliant. With everyone wild firing and chucking grenades around in the graveyard fight, how the hell was there no friendly fire? Here Captain Kirk, I'll leave you one extra bullet and zoom in on this scene only for it to serve no purpose or ever come into play. Hi, we're some shady government agency and we've arrived to save the day without ever explaining how the hell we knew to show up! And finally, the overall experience comes off as so juvenile, pathetic, and bordering on self mockery.

It's not hard to realize why this movie is universally panned. However, it's over the top nature and off the charts level of idiocy are truly something to behold. It gets better, to me at least, upon each further viewing as you let the hate slip away and allow the humor to fill your black heart. You must appreciate that one does not simply set out to make a movie like HotD, but it comes into creation via serendipity. Alternatively, you can wish this movie never existed and see it as the blight to cinema that it is. Either way, it's an interesting way to spend your Friday the 13th and gives you the entire weekend to continue raging over your decision to watch it! And you can take solace in the fact that the movie bombed hard enough to never get a sequel...wait, what?!

Notable Moment: "You created it all so you could become immortal. Why?"---"To live forever!" Oh goodness gracious. That is a good one.

Final Rating: 3/10 (10/10 for comedic value)