The Next Karate Kid Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A sort of bullied girl learns karate to help her stop being a whiny bitch.

Review: If you thought part three sucked you haven't seen anything yet. This is easily one of the most unnecessary sequels in film history having nearly nothing to do with the first trilogy. On top of that, the story is ridiculous with outlandish scenarios and didn't even attempt to innovate or bring something new to the table. Oh wow they made the karate kid a girl this time...big fucking deal. Having a female hardly changed anything except to create lame scenes where Miyagi feels awkward; this was the only draw of the film, and they didn't take advantage of it in the least. Exasperating the situation further, the villains are stupid, the love interest is forced, every scene feels idiotic, and the ending is lackluster and moronic.

The most annoying aspect for any fan is the complete disregard for the previous films. Hell, the remake was more loyal to the source material! We get one whole line discussing Daniel and it doesn't tell us anything. Where the hell is Danny-boy? They could have easily had a scene with Daniel talking on the phone to Miyagi or a postcard or anything. They could have said he was in Japan with Kumiko or running their stupid bonsai shop or whatever. So much for best friends. It's okay though, because Miyagi has a whole slew of new friends that popped up out of nowhere. How convenient. I like how the entire plot of this movie is set in motion by a character who gets written out early on. Then there is Miyagi's monastery friends who semi serve as comic relief which we really didn't need. There are also the kids living next door who Miyagi magically knows and pulls toys out of his ass for. The...fuck? Plus, we have to include endless ignorant assholes always trying to start fights with Miyagi. I don't know about you, but I never just come across people looking to fight me over nothing.

As for the next karate kid herself, Julie, played feebly by Hilary Swank, they decided to go with the annoying bitch route; a good choice, right? There's something about her parents being dead or whatever, but, shut up, you live in a fucking mansion, in the '90s, without a care in the world! Julie loves making a big deal out of everything and is a stereotypical, whiny teenage girl. To be fair, she does become more likable toward the end, but, at that point, who cares? You'd think they would approach Julie learning karate and everything differently, but it's more or less the same crap--wax on, whack off, whatever. There are a few changes, but nothing worth noting, and she comes off just as weak as Danny-boy especially when they have to keep using slow-mo to make her appear capable. I suppose she is kind of bullied, but I'd say she's more stalked by a weirdo obsessed with her...for an unknown reason; it sure as hell isn't for her looks and charming personality. This leads to perhaps the dumbest aspect: the villains. There is a Cobra Kai ripoff group calling themselves the Alpha Elite. I honestly don't know what the fuck these idiots are supposed to be. They mention football, but all I see them doing is standing around looking like douchebags, doing dumbass shit, stalking Julie, and fighting each other. Believe me, these goofballs are beyond lame and are straight-up copies of the Cobra Kai except less likable and more one-dimensional somehow. If you thought Terry Silver was over the top and screaming "hey, I'm a villain," wait until you get a load of these clowns. Michael Ironside plays their leader, but he's wasted and does absolutely nothing except create many contrivances. Also, the little boyfriend of Julie quits the Alpha Elite, because he's seemingly the only one not insane.

The movie doesn't really switch into stupidity overdrive, however, until the prom rolls around. Yeah, the first movie had a tournament and this one has a final battle on prom night. Ugh. The Alpha Elite decide they will go bungee jumping from the ceiling for no discernible reason. This scene looks horrendous and is only made more pathetic by the fact that no one in the school seems to care. Uhh okay. Then they decide to attack Julie's little boyfriend, lure him to a fight, blow up his car, and seemingly intend to kill him. Why exactly are they doing this by the way? Because Julie was in such a hurry to help her boyfriend, she decided to take the time to change and get Miyagi to help her go to the fight. After only learning karate for like two weeks, Julie can magically beat up a big guy who appeared to know karate himself. And since we can't end the movie without Miyagi beating someone's ass, of course he beats up Mr. Ironside with ease...big shock. And that's all that happens. Can't wait for "The Next Karate Kid 2: Revenge of Daniel-san!"

They had to have known this was going to suck from the beginning. I mean, come on! None of the charm was left at this point and '90s suburbia is not a good place to deal with bullied kids. Julie is super annoying and a rightful pain in the ass. Trying to elevate Miyagi into a zen master was pushing it for me...and for realzies, where the fuck was Yukie this time? Still cleaning up in Okinawa?! Writing out Danny-boy and everything from the first three movies felt like a huge cop-out. Everyone involved with this movie needs a swift crane kick to the face in slow-mo.

Notable Moment: When the Alpha Elite crash the prom quite literally. This is one of the most absurd scenes I've had the misfortune to watch in a while.

Final Rating: 4/10