Hallow's Eve Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Ten years after a girl is disfigured in an accident, a hooded killer seeks revenge--I guess--something like that anyway.

Review: I think I can safely say I have never been so confused while watching a movie, in my entire life, as I was watching this piece of shit. What the hell is happening here?! I don't know where to pinpoint the blame, because the editing is all over the place, the story is script-in-a-blender, and the plot holes are shamelessly paraded like a badge of honor. On top of that, the acting is pathetic and something was going on with that audio unless I got a defective DVD. If that weren't enough--I've said it before and I'll say it again: this is one of those movies with characters so annoying you will wish you were the killer! You dare create characters this insufferable and don't start the deaths until, nearly, the 40 minute mark? Grrrrrr! The surprising aspect is that there are things to actually enjoy in this film that only serve to exasperate its dismal failure. For example, this film stars my dear Danielle Harris in another Halloween based horror film! Danielle, darling, I love ya, but this movie is pure shit. The other thing that was cool is that the setting is a real life horror attraction, called "Bates Motel," and I've really been there! There are also a few hot chicks and decent special effects so how did they create this colossal fuck up? My god...what a complete waste.

I'm not exaggerating one bit, I had no clue who the fuck any character was except like one. The movie starts with a bunch of teens picking on a little girl for no discernible reason; their "acting" makes me shudder. They make fun of the little girl's stuttering, which never comes back into play, but, come on, the poor kid is like 8 years old and these dorks are like 15; KEEP THIS IN MIND for later. These losers chase the little girl around a cornfield until she accidentally walks in front of a tractor and seemingly dies. Yeah, okay, "Prom Night." Well don't worry about the little girl, because you will, sort of, figure out she never died and simply got away with a wannabe "Phantom of the Opera" wound to her face. This is the only character I understand in the entire film so I, too, may not make much sense after this point. All of a sudden it's 10 years later and there are a slew of characters I can't keep track of; it's not as though the movie even attempts to explain who the fuck they are either. Everyone either works for this horror attraction, "Bates Motel," or lives nearby and has connections to the staff. I suppose it's Halloween as well but hell if anyone can know for sure. The characters are too busy fighting over one douchebag, bullshit with pot, and some bitch trying to be Jesse Pinkman. The sheer, overwhelming idiocy of the characters coupled with the horrid acting is definitely enough to send any rational individual into a homicidal rampage! I was quite surprised to learn I wasn't, in fact, the killer...but I sure wish I could have been.

For no apparent reason, all fifty million characters end up at "Bates Motel," over the course of the night, as they continue to be annoying until a benevolent killer relieves the audience of their stupidity. Believe it or not, they're still introducing characters even in the last 10 minutes! For the love of fuck. At one point there are fights over a girl and a douchebag, Jesse Pinkman wannabe gets high and has a dream, there are two annoying drug dealers that serve as comedy relief (and never even die!), something with the disfigured girl, pointless cuts to real visitors coming to "Bates Motel" (who remain oddly absent from the film), and I don't even know who Danielle is supposed to be! The only bright side is that the deaths are amusing enough, but they aren't anything you wouldn't have seen before and done better. There are titties, but I'd rather the girls that show 'em kept them covered up. I get that the characters are annoying enough to set anyone off as a killer, but this is one of the most roundabout motivations for a killer. Despite waiting like 10 years, the killer is the disfigured girl's dad or friend or brother or whoever the hell he's supposed to be. He wanted revenge...I guess...for the disfigurement or something...I have no clue. Another reason why nothing makes sense is because the killer decides to kill the disfigured girl's boyfriend, spares Danielle for whatever reason, and pretty much winged this scheme at the last second. And I don't know if it was due to horrendous editing, but the movie greatly implies there are two killers. Really...you're going to ripoff "Scream" now? Rika...I'm trying, hun, but this movie keeps claiming I wasn't the killer! Now remember how I said to keep in mind about those losers from earlier? Well, the movie insinuates that all the characters that have been dying are actually the children of those losers!!! AHAH! That's a good one. So, what, those losers were really in their twenties with young children already? It's only been 10 fucking years! Hey, I could be completely wrong, but that is the implication by the final two characters who show up to be killed. Nobody can know because we have no clue who the fuck anyone is! Ugghhhhh...whatever--Danielle shoots the killer and one moron is taken to a hospital where they are killed by an unseen killer. The end.

This truly is something to behold. Don't people watch their own films anymore? Like...the crew saw this movie and was fine with it?! It's sad that they had to drag "Bates Motel" into this monstrosity, but I'm guessing it saved the crew a ton of money to borrow the existing sets. Danielle is the obvious highlight, as she usually is, but there were a few legitimately cool things that are completely overshadowed by the shenanigans. The story, flat out, makes zero sense no matter how you try to analyze it. Half the, already short, running time is essentially bullshit filler (and mindlessly idiotic filler at that) which leaves maybe 10 minutes of real mayhem; the rest of the time is establishing characters, and their drama, without actually establishing them. A lot of people confuse plot holes with other film errors, but this is the rare instance I will mention a movie being overloaded with plot holes. I really wanted to enjoy this film, but, overall, this is just stupid shit that had plenty of potential to be awesome if done correctly. How disappointing. And who the hell is that chick and killer on the poster?!

Notable Moment: Uhh...tough to sort through this nonsense, but I suppose that idiotic dream the pothead has is the weirdest of 'em all; that sure came out of nowhere and made absolutely no fucking sense.

Final Rating: 3.5/10