The Howling: Reborn Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A cliched, angsty teen realizes he's a werewolf and must get the girl and save the world or something.

Review: Now we come to the (hopefully) last installment in the Howling franchise. And, as it would turn out, the best way to describe this entry would be as "The CW presents: The Werewolf Diaries." What the fuck is this shit?! Reboot? Remake? Retarded? You decide! Yeah, I know, let's take the nonsense that has been going on in this franchise and turn it into teen angst--that will work. How the hell are you going to market a (then) 30 year old series toward the kiddies? Wow, way to reward the loyal fans who survived "Howling VII" and put up with all the other bullshit this franchise has offered. And goodness gracious, this movie sucks so much wiener it boggles my mind. Are you seriously going to try and make this Twi-wolf plot line about saving the damned world too? Really? Really?! The only redeeming quality, that makes this film barely edge past "Howling III," is Lindsey Shaw sporting a Catholic schoolgirl outfit--that's it! And yet this seemed to be a fashion choice rather than school uniform...huh.

There are many choice words I would use to describe the Howling films, but pretentious would not have been one of them...until now. The narration is delivered as if it's some next level Socrates shit, but it's typical emo drivel I'd expect from a cutter bitch. Hell, I'd humor it a tad if the film itself made sense or had consistency, but, of course, it doesn't. The movie begins with a dumb chick being attacked by a werewolf while pregnant; this attack appears to kill the mom and semi-turns the baby into a werewolf. Eighteen years later, Will, our little baby is all grown up and doesn't realize he's a werewolf, because he's taking silver supplements. Whaaaat? You're shitting me, right? Willy is obsessed with a little chickadee named Eliana whose name is so randomly specific I get the idea that this is mostly wish fulfillment for the writer. You know how it is, Willy does things that would be considered creepy in reality, but it wins the girl over in the movies. Listening to the two pine over one another is sooooooooo fucking pathetic and fake; I'd honestly rather listen to another one of Ted's jokes.

Idiotically, they've messed with the werewolf formula to screw everything up. Now werewolves can be killed by fire and silver unless you're an alpha werewolf. Oh god. Yes, a precious alpha werewolf can only be killed by another werewolf. How exactly does this shit work? At least the other sequels implied the magical properties of werewolves came from Satan. So Willy suddenly realizes his wolfie powers after his mom shows up with her three stooges. All of this just happens to coincide with...a blue moon...oh my fucking god, come on! The mom never explains why she chose to pretend to be dead yet she angrily kills the dad for no discernible reason. They also never explain who the hell was the werewolf at the beginning of the movie. My goodness, you thought this shit would get a sequel? How cute.

When the mom tries to free Willy by killing Eliana, Will gets pissed and decides to pull a flamethrower from his ass to fight the werewolves. This is when things got completely out of control as we learn the mom has been stacking bodies in the school basement to create a werewolf army to...TAKE OVER THE WORLD! Right. When Willy can't summon up his true power, Eliana is like, "bang me," but he wimps out I guess; the schizophrenic editing was giving me a seizure so I don't know. Willy does scratch Eliana though. Willy ends up killing the mom's flunkies but learns mommy is an alpha werewolf. Yeah, okay. Like a bitch, Willy gets beat up by mommy, but Eliana has turned into a werewolf all of a sudden and sneak attacks the mom--killing her. The two then blow up the school to stop the werewolf army as they show up to graduation naked. And how exactly did Eliana gain mastery of her powers faster than the werewolf army? Then there's some shenanigans during the credits, but I'm all outta fucks to give.

Clearly I was not the demographic this garbage was intended for, but, then again, this was part 8 in a franchise teen girls would never have heard of so who really wins? This film is simply terrible! It seriously attempts to do to werewolves what "Twilight" did to vampires. They pay no respect to the previous installments or lore and try to create a stand alone entry that fails in most regard. There is significantly more focus on the cornball as fuck romance than the actual horror. What am I saying--what horror?! Sure, it's better than "Howling VII" but what movie isn't? Please, no more of these movies or get funny and take the franchise to space or the hood.

Notable Moment: When Will kills one of the werewolves with his silver medal. You went there? They don't actually make them out of the material you're awarded! Yeah, every stupid little gold medal someone wins is made of pure fucking gold! How was this not written by a little kid?

Final Rating: 4/10