Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!
Plot Summary: There are no words...
Review: Arrrrggghhhh. So hard to stop laughing. My fucking goodness. Rika...my goddess, help me! Well...it's the second Friday the 13th in a row so I had to go out with a bang. I proudly present, "Howling VII," the worst movie I have ever seen! I have discussed this travesty on multiple occasions, but my first review doesn't come close to doing this "film" justice. To put things into perspective, if you are not, at least, borderline suicidal and/or homicidal by the 10 minute mark, you may not be human. I mean, whatever you think is the worst movie you've watched, forget it, as nothing is going to adequately prepare you for "Howling VII." How this piece of shit escaped the attention of "MST 3000" is beyond me, but many of the films they watched pale in comparison to the painful nature that is this "film." Alright, here we go...
For some reason, they pathetically attempt to tie together parts 4-7 into one plot line, but it fails...miserably. The main character, Ted, is played by Clive Turner who has had numerous production credits within this franchise; he supposedly helped write part 5 which is certainly questionable! This time he serves as writer, director, and a million other titles due to the fact that no one in their right mind would work on this abomination. Having no money for the production, the "actors" enlisted to star in this gem were selected from the colorful characters that reside in a living hell known as Pioneer Town. Translation: the acting rivals a preschool play, and the "characters" are simply the actual people playing themselves. Believe me, this is significantly more torturous than you could possibly imagine. Like, we've seen annoying, Jar Jar-esque pains in the ass before, but then there are these people! The only thing of any concern is why did they kill Jaro?!
Adding salt to the gaping wound, the dialogue is mostly comprised of inside jokes, remarks about fucking George Jones, and cochlea-rupturing "singing." As for the jokes, they are beyond childish, stupid, and told with the worst delivery conceivable. Speaking of which, all line delivery in this film is nauseating to the senses. However, the truly annoying aspect is that these fucking imbeciles laugh incessantly after every single joke...which is essentially all any character fucking says! My god, everyone is either telling a dumb joke or laughing at one! IT'S NOT THAT FUCKING FUNNY! In regard to the music...I am told there is a thing called good country music, but it's all unendurable to me; I get the feeling even a fan would have trouble stomaching this shit. Besides, these songs are mostly about this godforsaken town anyway! I mustn't forget that we also get frequent shots of line dancing in the shadows while this terrible screeching is occurring. Who does this, and can you please stop forever? The ambient music is not any better though so...
Right about now, you're probably thinking what the hell does any of this have to do with werewolves?! Well, nothing...absolutely nada! In fact, 95% of this movie has nothing to do with anything. Most of the time it's nothing more than Ted making retarded jokes, idiots laughing at said jokes, cue shitacular music, Ted flirting with this fugly ass bitch (not that he's any better), random shots for the lulz, then a two minute scene of a priest and cop discussing the plot continually (with more stupid jokes). The pacing is really quite remarkable--one might say a thing of beauty. Once in a blue fucking moon, a pointless character will appear and immediately get killed by the werewolf who simply exists as red lens POV--wannabe predator-vision or something. Ugh...so embarrassing. I promise you, anyone out there could pull off better special effects than this film. ANYONE.
So what the hell is even going on in this catastrophe? Apparently Mary Lou, from part 5, is about to take the next step in her pokemon evolution. Of course they didn't get the same actress, but they claim now she has the ability to take over another person's body. Yeah okay. They now claim that after 3 years a werewolf will fully mature and then on the following full moon they gain the ability to turn others into werewolves. I'm glad they were able to pull that contrivance from their ass. Mary Lou has gained mind control conveniently as they claim she can control Marie from part 4. Since that dumbass Clive Turner did play bit roles in parts 4 and 5, they try to claim he's the guy from part 5 in the worst of ways; they say he survived part 5, and decided to change his name for no reason, while ignoring his role in part 4. Mary Lou supposedly arranged for Ted to go to Pioneer Town so that she could set him up as being the werewolf in order to...uhh...draw attention from herself...when there was no reason to be suspected as a werewolf? Wait, what? But the question remains, why kill Jaro?!! Oh fuck. What the hell am I even typing?
Alright, I don't care if this makes sense or not--this is the story: Mary Lou takes over the form of an idiot at Pioneer Town. She mind controls Marie from part 4 to hire Ted to come to Pioneer Town for inconsequential reasons; by the way, Ted magically survived part 5 and changed his name. Ted easily befriends the mindless morons living there since he wrote the script. Mary Lou kills people to make Ted look guilty. The town believes Ted is a werewolf quite easily after realizing he was spying on them at the behest of Marie who was controlled by Mary Lou. Mary Lou is about to digivolve into ultimate werewolf so she decides to scapegoat Ted for no reason. Ted manages to convince everyone of his innocence as they catch Mary Lou in the act. Mary Lou transforms into a werewolf which is simply a cheap Halloween mask and hairy gloves. Mary Lou is shot by a silver bullet. The end. I hope you can make sense of that because I can't.
All I can say is: wow, what a journey into oblivion. Movies like "Troll 2" can be quite fun, but "Howling VII" isn't fully there. Sure, it can be entertaining under the right conditions, but, for the most part, it is mercilessly pure, unending torture through each and every excruciating second. If I had to listen to those jokes each day...ughhh...let's just say the world's population would begin to shrink rapidly. Should I ever find myself at Pioneer Town I will realize hell is real, and I've been sent to it. To put it simply, "Howling VII" failed at every single aspect in the film making process. Absolutely nothing was done correctly except keeping the camera steady. I don't know what more to say--I've been making fun of this movie for years. I do think everyone should experience this debacle for themselves, but be extremely wary. Now excuse me while I cleanse my soul in the warm embrace of my Rika-sama.
Notable Moment: Without a doubt, when the cop is beating up Ted, and Ted says, "YOU'RE FUCKING DONE!!!" and knees the guy in the face. Oh man...too funny. Almost brings a tear to my eye.
Final Rating: 1/10
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