Carnivore (2000?) Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: The worst biological weapon of all time escapes as zany antics ensue.

Review: For those keeping score, this is the fifth entry in the collection with "Bloody Murder." I have to say, this collection keeps blowing my mind. What the hell is this shit?! If someone has the tolerance to put up with all 8 of these movies in a row--wow--more power to you. I cannot stomach more than one a month, and this "film" solidified that fact. If you ever wished to see someone's home movie turned into a feature length film over the course of a decade, your prayers have finally been answered. So, yes, this was an indie movie that began in 1989, filmed further into the '90s, and finally completed and released, supposedly, in 2000. You should realize this fact ahead of time without being told, but imdb did affirm this outlandish truth. I can respect the ridiculously low budget and amateur mistakes, but, come on, why bother? My sisters and I made a "horror" movie when we were kids too, and I would NEVER, ever, let anyone see that abomination. Hey, look on the bright side, it still managed to be better than "Howling VII" and "Asian School Girls" so it has that going for it.

The story is considerably dumber than you'd think as the government has created the perfect bio-weapon: a little kid in a cheap, Halloween costume. I absolutely love this scenario. The laboratory, if you can call it that, is hidden in an abandoned house with literally one person overseeing the entire project. The absurdity is quite astonishing if you think about it. I especially liked that this dangerous bio-weapon is fed and experimented on with no form of restraint. That's a good one. SURPRISE, it escapes. At this point, it should become apparent we are dealing with VHS picture quality and submarine audio. Not that this story makes a lot of sense to begin with, but, if there were a few details to miss, I couldn't understand half of what anyone said. You'd honestly have an easier time communicating with a cup and string.

Anyway, the government sends three whole people to deal with the bio-weapon, moronically called "the carnivore." Coincidentally enough, some horny teens decide to visit this abandoned house thinking it's haunted. The vast majority of this film then entails the antics of the government goons driving and the teens doing stupid shit. Feel free to fall asleep if so inclined; you won't miss much. The characters are all painfully annoying, when you can understand their dialogue that is, and, yet, this film chose to only kill off three of them. That fact makes me laugh. For whatever reason, one of the government goons wants to save the carnivore especially after it starts talking. Oh for the love of fuck. I have no idea what it was saying but oh well. One of the government goons does kill the carnivore, but this film has the audacity to have a sequel-bait ending. Really? It took you 11 years the first time...you thought this would be a big enough hit that we'd see a "Carnivore 2?!" That's adorable.

I can't blame the makers for trying to create this shit. If I was an amateur director in 1989, maybe I would have wanted nothing more than to create a movie too. However, I can blame the distributor for believing there would be a market for this trash. I may have got this shit in a collection, but you can buy this movie separately...if you want. Although there is no version of Earth where I could give this film a rating above a 3/10, I will acknowledge it's not as torturous as some of the other trash I've reviewed. It's just boring more than anything. Sure, you have the laughable story, potato picture quality, fishbowl audio, horrendous acting, and pathetic set designs, but it was soooo low budget I can't completely fault them. Would I recommend this? HELL NO! But are there worse movies out there? Definitely.

Notable Moment: When that first scientist dies. I love his nonchalant reaction to dying. "Oh...no...I've been stabbed with a syringe that will kill me. Oh...no...my day is ruined." Oscar worthy.

Final Rating: 2/10