Chopping Mall Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Robots, intended to protect a mall, malfunction and begin killing employees that conveniently threw a party.

Review: Honestly, if the title alone didn't win you over from the start, this isn't going to be your kind of flick. As you might expect, the levels of cheesiness and shenanigans are off the charts. And with Oscar worthy dialogue such as, "you smell like pepperoni," you know you're in for a good time with "Chopping Mall." Now, despite the fun-factor, I can't deny that this is a cheap-looking mess at times and also unforgivably short. They were stretching out the ending credits with still shots and still couldn't get the running time over 80 minutes; Wikipedia claims something about a 95 minute cut, but I don't know where the hell that version is at. In essence, you need to keep your expectations in check slightly since some fans over hype the balls to walls nature of this film.

The ludicrous story revolves around some kind of security robots being tested at a mall. Armed with all kinds of weaponry, the robots malfunction and magically gain a degree of sentience; this is brushed over of course. At the same time, a group of...uhhh...teens(?)...decide they will throw a party after hours this same night. This simply boils down to a group of flunkies fucking right next to one another. I know this sounds like some kind of orgy, but they don't pass partners so...yeaaah...just fucking next to one another. Once the robots notice this little shindig they attack in the best of ways. I think everyone loves when this one bimbo gets her head blown off by, what appears to be, a wannabe laser from "War of the Worlds." But will our flunky heroes just lie down and take this assault? Nope! They grab a bunch of guns and fight back! I love how everyone knows what they're doing and can make improvised explosives as well. Slowly the flunkies are picked off, but they manage to take two of the robots to hell with them. When the last robot is left, the remaining flunky, who just so happens to be the one sister from "Night of the Comet," lures the robot into a paint store to be blown up in the most epic of ways. That final one-liner is presented amazingly. What more could you really want?

A few other things worth acknowledging: let's start with the pizza! We do see a few glimpses within a pizza place, but things are looking a little rough--gotta keep my standards up. Still, shitty '80s pizza is better than shitty pizza nowaday. It was cool that the mall itself is showcased quite a bit to kind of give you an idea of how things used to be. Granted, these shots were probably used for more filler material, but I can accept it. Nevertheless, it reminds me how I used to look forward to mall trips whereas nowaday it's all overpriced junk and virtually 90% women's clothing stores. Fuck that shit! In regards to the actual film's merits, they do not fully take the material seriously which helps; self-awareness goes a long way. At times it did feel like "The Terminator" was an inspiration, but, again, these elements work in the film's favor.

At the end of the day, this is a movie called "Chopping Mall" for fuck's sake. You get what's promised. Could they have taken things up another notch? Sure, but it's still worth your time one way or another. The '80s cheese is in high gear with bad dialogue, fashion, and nonsensical decisions. While there are obvious detriments everywhere--from the production quality to the writing--you have to go with the flow and take things for what they are. I would say track this down, but, be aware, it's a little tamer than you might imagine.

Notable Moment: When they're in that one backroom with random G.I. Joe products. It was tough to make out what each item was, but I could see there was at least a Dragonfly. YO JOE!

Final Rating: 6/10