Updated Review #13: The Machine Girl

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: After her brother is murdered, and her arm cut off, a schoolgirl goes on a rampage of glorious vengeance!

Review: First and foremost, this movie is not meant to be taken seriously. You'd think that would be a given, but you would be surprised by how many reviewers evaluate this film from a realistic perspective. There is an entire sub-genre, if you will, of low-budget, splatterfest movies that Japan churns out with this being, in my opinion, the best of the bunch. The filmmakers were striving for a fun experience and, mostly, succeed in their efforts. This is the precise reason why this movie is awesome whereas something like "Asian School Girls" is a blight to cinema itself. If you go into this expecting a thought-provoking journey of revenge you will be sorely misled. This film delivers exactly what you should expect: a sexy schoolgirl killing everyone in her way in the most ridiculous manner possible while simultaneously going balls to walls with shenanigans just because they could!

Fountains of blood should be the only expectation you have here.

Not that there's a lot to it, but I'll quickly go over the story. The main character, Ami, is like the surrogate mother to her younger brother after their parents died. When the brother is bullied by a group of thugs at school, he and his friend are killed for fighting back. I just want to mention that when the friend starts fighting he does like a fake super Saiyan thing. Anyway, Ami tries to peacefully seek justice in the aftermath as she doesn't fully know what happened. Instead of a reasonable response to her efforts, the parents of one of the bullies try to kill her. Snapping and going berserk, Ami kills these idiots and begins down a path of bloody revenge. Upon learning that the ringleader of the bullies is the son of a Yakuza boss, Ami sneaks into their home for a surprise attack. When she's captured, Ami is tortured and has her left arm cut off. Managing to escape, Ami is nursed back to health by the parents of her brother's friend that died. As mechanics, they outfit Ami with a gun-arm and plot to take the fight to the Yakuza. Fighting their way through ninjas and the family members of bullies Ami is killing, the parents of the friend die. Taking the final battle to the Yakuza family, Ami finally does kill everyone including the ringleader who killed her brother. Attempting to commit suicide, Ami stops at the last minute which leads back to the opening scene which demonstrated that Ami continued hunting down bullies rather than dying.

This is my kind of girl.

To start, the single best aspect (and biggest, initial draw for me) has got to be Minase Yashiro as the Machine Girl herself. Ms. Yashiro, a gravure idol (which is Japan-lingo for a specific kind of lingerie/bikini model), is so damn beautiful and sexy. While she hasn't shown the levels of skin as some of the other cast members, you can thoroughly...uhh...research her work if so inclined. Clad with her classic schoolgirl outfit, Gatling gun/chainsaw for a left arm, impossible feats of strength and durability, eagerness to kill any and everyone who wronged her, and, of course, plenty of upskirt shots, you can't help but be attracted to her. But what really seals the deal is Ms. Yashiro's absolute conviction to the role; she plays it totally straight in contrast to the material and cornball dialogue. I swear, you can actually feel her enjoyment with the role channeling through the screen.

Smirking, sexy Japanese schoolgirl covered in blood is strangely arousing...

Not to be outdone, the other characters are equally outlandish. The villains are incredibly stupid, cowardly, and arrogant which makes their deaths ever so satisfying. Of course I must address the ringleader's mom who is an ex-pornstar as well as the mom of the friend who died; these two go by the simple names of Honoka and Asami. Asami was actually in the second "Iron Girl" movie, but you can further check out the...ahem...work of these two in your free time. Setting aside the abundance of hot chicks, I have to admit the acting is lame, but the line delivery kind of adds a cheesy layer of charm. I especially liked the trash talking and other taunts--definitely amusing.

Asami and Ms. Yashiro...

...and can't forget Honoka.

Okay...so maybe you're thinking, "I don't give a flying fuck about sexy Japanese girls!" What's in it for you? Well, for one, fuck you--you have shit taste. For two, I've rarely seen a film revel to this degree in their cheapness and shoddy effects. I guess if you're low-budget, you might as well embrace it, right? As I mentioned, this is a splatterfest--there are gallons upon gallons of blood spilled by the time the credits roll. Bloodbath is an understatement...in fact, a character is literally soaked in blood while trying to take a bath! People are cut to pieces, limbs are ripped off, decapitations...you name it. All of this is depicted in a cornball manner yet it is intentionally played for laughs. For example, one ninja is trying to honestly reflect spurts of blood with his sword or a guy with a hole blown clear through his face somehow manages to still scream. It's simply amazing to behold shenanigans of this caliber. I mean, dude, there's a drill bra for fuck's sake! This is a case of having to see it to fully believe and appreciate it.

To paraphrase a Quentin Tarantino bit, "Even though she's covered in blood, would you still jam her?" I'D JAM EVERY CHICK ON THAT SET!

The last thing worth acknowledging, which is an extension of the effects, is the just the notion of having fun with the material. I hate to sound pretentious, but this is either something you will get or not. And I don't mean that in terms of understanding but more along the lines that this is a niche interest. Over the top deaths, blood everywhere, ridiculous scenarios, and sexy girls everywhere works wonders for me in this particular case. This goes back to what I was saying about bonus points in regards to my rating scale. "The Machine Girl" is not a "good" movie by any stretch of the imagination, but it throws in so many things I love that I have to overlook the shortcomings. Furthermore, the filmmakers fully realized the situation at hand and played to their strengths. You have to give credit where credit is due, and this self-awareness is an important part of film making. This crew knew what they were doing and accomplished their goals exceptionally well.

This is the kind of girl you bring home to mom...and also get revenge for mom with.

I fully realize this is not a movie for everyone, but, if your interest is even slightly piqued, you should check this out for yourself. There is even a dub version, which is noteworthy, so if you hate subtitles they have you covered too. While I initially came (hehe) to see Minase Yashiro because of that eye-catching, DVD cover, I stayed for the abundance of shenanigans and excessive amounts of gore. I often compare other films to "The Machine Girl," because it demonstrates that you can successfully create a movie for cheap, make it entertaining, and have fun all at the same time. After all, film is a medium of entertainment which critics sometimes seem to forget with their heads firmly placed up their asses. I'm not saying this film is good in a conventional sense, but it is fucking amazing in its own right.

Notable Moment: Still gotta go with that drill bra. So corny but so awesome at the same time.

Not the worst way to be killed that's for sure.

Final Rating: 7.5/10

Bonus: Shyness Machine Girl...featurette? This is a sequel-ish short that supposedly came with the Japanese DVD. I really don't know, because I had to watch it on youtube. This involves Ami's friend, Yoshie, that died in the main film and is now magically resurrected with a machine gun in her ass. While Yoshie, played by Noriko Kijima, is hot in her own way, she's got nothing on Minase Yashiro as Ami. But this isn't the problem--the problem is that this short is stupid. Sure, "The Machine Girl" doesn't follow rules of reality, but it at least made it clear that when you died it was over. In this short they bring back characters who were cut to pieces and say they were miraculously saved. This could have worked, but it feels forced. In fact, the entire scenario felt like they were filming on their own time rather than having anything scripted. It's hard to explain, but it simply lacks the entertaining qualities of the main feature. Most annoying of all, not including Ms. Yashiro was a huge failure. I'd much rather they put effort into making a proper sequel than bolstering the special features of a DVD. If I rated this separately...ehhh...I'd give it a 5/10 simply for the prolonged shots of Ms. Kijima's sweet ass.

Had to include this shot no matter what.