Hellgate (1989) Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: This is what happens when you do far, far too much ecstasy.

Review: This movie is...hmmm...special...yeah, let's go with that. True, the filmmakers were not taking the material seriously, but, still, this is some MST3000 fodder right here. The story is sheer nonsense, the characters are moronic, and the effects are downright embarrassing at times. I'm not sure who got suckered into funding this abomination, but this was money in the garbage essentially. But you know what? Despite the horrendous quality to this film, it still kind of crosses into so bad it's good territory. I mean, even as stupid as everything was, it's still nowhere near the torturous likes of "Severed" or "Asian School Girls." Plus that one chick is kind of hot, goes topless, and is scantly clad most of the running time. So there's that at least!

You know, I will just list random shit that happens. Apparently there is a glowing crystal in the ground that can bring the dead back to life with no explanations whatsoever. Why in the hell would you put metal implants on your face where a zombie turtle bit you? You're telling me a street sign's edges are so sharp that you can slightly swing it at someone and cleanly decapitate them like it's a lightsaber? Don't drink or else ghostly cabaret dancers will appear. To make someone look 30 years older you only need to dye their hair gray! Everyone knows 1950s bikers love to just bust into your diner, kick out your patrons, and kidnap the local hottie while you shoot your own tables in response. Always grope a statue for good luck right before dying. Pesky bats on a string can die to a slight tap from a shovel. When gaining magic powers, test them on your goldfish first that way it mutates and then blows up for no reason. When going down on your girlfriend, you aren't doing it right unless she goes cross-eyed. Also when massaging your girlfriend, make sure to tell her about how hot another girl is...she will understand. This is a must: horribly dub everyone's dialogue, because that is awesome. If you barely survive an encounter with zombies and all your friends are dead, definitely start telling jokes immediately afterward to honor their memory. Remember, just because you were clearly driving a car with no one on the roof DOES NOT mean an old man can't materialize there later. Sharpening a machete is great for relaxation especially when you pop up out of nowhere just to die immediately and accomplish nothing. Should you decide to kidnap a girl, and, you know, accidentally kill her, it's all cool, because the townspeople will never believe it happened...not even the cops. If you open a fridge with a talking head inside just make a stupid quip for the camera. When you daydream about your dead daughter, make sure it's a scene from earlier in the movie that you weren't even around to see. In the '80s people didn't go to college until they were 35+ apparently; who knew? If you're making out with a topless zombie girl, who you already rejected TWICE when she assumed the blowjob position, just casually say "are you sure?" when she suggests you leave after her dad shows up holding a giant blade saying "I want this one." Likewise, when he starts shooting lasers at you, it's no big deal. And, finally, the key to a successful film is surely adding a ton of slow motion and stock soundbites that have been around since the '40s. This never fails.

I'm really only scratching the surface with the zany antics present. In this situation, you really do need to experience it to fully comprehend the absurdity, yet, I can't legitimately recommend this trash. Of course, if you have an acquired taste for bad movies, then this might be up your alley. For all the stupidity going on, there are still a few moments of decency scattered about. For example, some special effects were satisfactory given the paltry production. I don't know, this is nowhere near the worst movie ever, but it is one of weirdest and still really bad unto itself. I wonder what the script must've read like? Definitely schizophrenic-chic that's for sure.

Notable Moment: This is quite difficult as the majority of the events shown are notably bizarre. Hmm...maybe...when the zombie girl goes flying out the window at the end. So dumb yet mildly sexy at the same time.

Final Rating: 3.5/10