Pretty Woman Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A rich businessman idiotically falls in love with a dirty whore...with a heart of gold, of course!

Review: I guess this is essentially the quintessential chick flick, but, wow, what a piece of shit. The last time I saw this was probably around the early '90s, and I would have sworn that the events of the story took place over a long period of time. However, I'm to believe this bullshit love story took place in a week?! (In Samara voice) Seven days. You have got to be fookin' kidding me here. Richard Gere's character, Edward, could practically have any woman in existence but settles for a random street walker just because she listens to Prince in the tub or something?! AND let's not forget this is Julia Roberts here...I HATE Julia Roberts! I know I've mentioned that before. She doesn't even register as human to me. It's like I'm the only one who can see this--as if I'm wearing those glasses from "They Live." I almost puked up my pizza during one of the sex scenes. Don't scare me like that, movie!

Okay, fine, maybe there are a few positives I can admit. The soundtrack is pretty good--it feels very '80s-esque which makes sense given the slow transition from '80s to '90s. There are a few--and let me stress a few--jokes that work. Richard Gere's line delivery is fantastic...ally bad but in the best of ways. It's almost as if he hated the movie as much as me, and that was amusing to behold; in fact, there appears to be some truth that he was not happy with the role. If wikipedia is to be believed, Jennifer Connelly was up for the role of Vivian but was rejected. Let me just go and say that again: they turned down Jennifer fucking Connelly...for JULIA ROBERTS?! Aaah! Why am I mentioning this in the positives? Well, maybe in some perfect, alternate reality, they have this godforsaken movie with Jennifer Connelly in the role at least.

So why does this movie suck? Ignoring the Julia Roberts factor (shudder), it's delusional pandering, and the plot has no conflict. I just couldn't wrap my mind around why Edward is invested in this relationship. He's super rich, smart, good looking, and can even play the piano...yet must settle for this low class trash who woos him with floss?! I shit you not. Seriously, what makes Vivian special? And, fine, let's say he's tired of spoiled brat princesses and wants a "normal girl," you are telling me he'd be this hopelessly in love after a single week? Funny. That is some next level simp shit right there. She must have given some mind-blowing head that first night or something. Maybe it was the strawberries. Goddamn this movie is stupid. And what is the point to anything...really...I want to know? The two barely argue, and Edward's lawyer doesn't like the immediate change he sees. And then they just live happily ever after? That's it?! Where is the drama, the heartbreak, the emotional investment, the beyond time and space romance...where is anything remotely resembling a realistic love story? This is how the movie really should have happened: Edward picks up Vivian, they bang, then it's revealed he's the one that's been killing hookers, and the film ends with Vivian washing up in a river somewhere. Actually, that plot point about dead hookers was never resolved--what's up with that and the constant alluding to a pimp we don't see?

I have no idea how "Pretty Woman" was a such a massive success. There are no stakes to the story, the characters are bland and unrealistic on all levels, the events felt forced and contrived, and the ending is abrupt and equally unrealistic. And, granted, most people don't hate JR as much as me, but, fuck it, she is the single worst aspect hands down. She'd have to pay me to bang her, and I'd just as soon kiss a wookie! Actually, screw it...Jud is right, sometimes, dead is better! Overall, this is a cornball as fuck movie (and not in a good way) that takes itself seriously without ever acknowledging the outlandish scenario unfolding before the audience's eyes. I am giving this movie an extremely generous rating, but you've been warned.

Notable Moment: When Vivian wakes up, is told to do more shopping, and she's annoyed by this prospect. HAHAHAHA! Yeaaaah...oookaaaay. I guess that's supposed to be the comedy part, right?

Final Rating: 5.5/10