Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!
Plot Summary: How to destroy the most successful film franchise in only five years: A Star Wars Story.
Review: At long last, Disney's failure is complete. Let's face it, this entire trilogy was an overly expensive fanfic that shits all over the lore, characters, and story of the previous, and SUPERIOR, films. As someone once poetically asked about this trilogy: what is this even about? Honestly, I don't know, but, worse, I don't care. "The Rise of Skywalker" is a plot hole-ridden hellscape of moronic ideas, centered on a Mary Sue lead more Mary Sue-ish than the actual Mary Sue! And what is this bullshit I keep hearing about "heavy on the fanservice?" What fan service? I sure as hell didn't get anything I wanted out of any of these movies. All I wanted was to see Luke as a Jedi Master, training new Jedi, and the original crew recognized as the heroes of the galaxy that they were. Instead, the original cast NEVER share a scene all together, they invent force powers on the go that contradicts the entire mythos, and all they do is end the story back where "Return of the Jedi" already put us! The incompetence of Disney, Bob Iger, and Kathleen Kennedy truly knows no bound. The more these idiots tighten their grip on Star Wars the more fans will slip through their fingers.
So what the hell is even happening this time around? The Emperor has come back from the dead without any explanation and now has star destroyers with the power of a Death Star attached. Yeah, start rolling your eyes now, because you will be doing a lot of that. For some reason Kylo Ren wants to team up with Rey and the two will kill the Emperor together. If there was any audience pandering it wasn't to fans of the original trilogy, it was to wannabes who want this Reylo shit to happen which they get. The rebels or resistance or whatever the fuck need some device to find the Emperor and stop him. Along the way predictable shenanigans occur that further muck the lore. Even the new characters are altered like Poe is now a Han Solo type despite simply always being an ace pilot. Finn has been permanently turned into a bitch boy that half his dialogue is screaming, "REY!!!" Anyway, we come to find out Rey is the Emperor's granddaughter and he wants her to take his place or to simply kill her. Along the way Rey turns Kylo back to the light side quite easily. When they have a big final battle I can just picture a little kid telling it to Disney and Jar Jar Abrams:
And then, and then, and then...they ride the horsies on top of the ship to take out the bad guys who have a million ships but then the whole universe shows up to help. But then, and then, the Emperor says, "I AM ALL SITH," and he shoots the lightning across the planet and then Rey pulls out TWO lightsabers and says, "I AM ALL JEDI," and then she shootses the lasers--lightning--back at him and he goes boom and all the bad guys die. But then Rey, you think she's dead, but then Kylo comes back out of nowhere and he is like Trashcan Man from "The Stand" and says "MY LIFE FOR YOU!" and then she comes back. Then Kylo dies all tragically but they all celebrate and then Rey steals Luke's house on Tatooine. Some lady says who are you and then ghosts say izz okay to steal the name so she says "I'm Rey, Rey Skywalker" like James Bond and then the credits roll and everyone cheers! WEEEEEEE!!! Oh and she pulls a new, yellow lightsaber out of her butt. Teehee.
No, I didn't make any of that up; it's true, all of it. The movie introduces force healing which makes you wonder why they couldn't use it before on Shmi Skywalker, Qui-Gon, maybe even fucking Darth Vader?! We have force teleportation which lets you give someone a lightsaber through the force or hell just stealing a necklace from the other side of the galaxy. Of course I can't ignore bringing back the dead with Kylo Ren. Umm, isn't this the very power that was meant to tempt Anakin to the dark side yet these idiots can pull it out of their arse?! It's as if Disney wanted to make sure these characters out Mary Sued even Starkiller from "The Force Unleashed," who was already a character too powerful, but at least he spent his entire life training in the most brutal conditions. Rey never earned anything in this series and is more powerful than everyone without training. Saying she's the Emperor's granddaughter means nothing when the lore showed Palpatine training his whole life too. More so, her character is beloved by everyone she meets even when they don't know her whatsoever. She undoes everything the previous six films presented without any effort and steals the Skywalker name, their lightsabers, and Luke's goddamn house even! This entire trilogy is nothing but a disrespectful bad dream that any sane writer would have salvaged by simply saying it was all a terrible force vision by Luke after "Return of the Jedi." Something like the damn Knights of Ren, that were hyped up for 3 movies, simply run around doing nothing until they are all killed within seconds. If Disney can't even make their new shit work, how can you trust them to handle the original lore?!
What else can I really say that hasn't been said already? The movie is a trainwreck, no one is buying the toys, and Star Wars is ruined, left in a putrid state beyond recognition. As many have pointed out, there are more bad Star Wars movies than good which is just plain sad. As a kid, I would never have believed this could happen, but the trend in the entertainment industry right now is to openly destroy what was once beloved and belittle the original fans along the way. We see this trend over and over again with no foreseeable sign of stopping despite these terrible sequels/prequels/remakes/reboots continuing to fail. The only positive I can say is that as these franchises tank, and the writing quality plummets, it creates an opening and a need for people like you and me to step up and write things entertaining and give audiences the stories they want.
Notable Moment: Uh, stupidest scene is hard to pick...maybe the horses on the star destroyer sums up the idiocy the best. Not only is it a retarded concept, but we see the ship sinking after destroying the bridge and everyone sliding off...sooo...why didn't the First Order shake them off in the first place?!
Final Rating: 5/10 (objectively) 1/10 (personally)
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