Halloween Ends Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Step aside Rob Zombie, we have a new contender for the worst "Halloween" entry.

Review: Get Michael off that fucking poster! This is a Twilight-esque, emo bitch romance movie guest starring Michael Myers. I am in complete disbelief by the sheer, unbridled idiocy at hand here. Like, this was a trilogy, right? The same crew worked on these three movies, RIGHT?! So how in the hell could anyone claiming to be a fan think this would serve as a respectable sequel let alone a final entry and, goodness gracious, a final defeat for Michael?! Abso-fucking-lutely nothing works here...on any level. This is an incoherent mess that tries to go in a million different directions and can't decide on anything while simultaneously ignoring everything from the last 2 installments. This isn't even a "you can't please everyone" kind of conclusion--this was made for no one.

I must focus my fury and somehow explain the endless series of idiotic decisions. Let's start with our boy, Michael. I streamed this hot garbage so I could actually see how long it took for Michael to make an appearance, and it was just about the 41 minute mark. Let that sink in. It takes 41 minutes to even see Michael once! And it's not like Mikey comes out swinging. Oh no. He's a tired old man resting or dying or whatever the hell this stupid story was trying to imply. Unless I'm forgetting something, Michael has a total of 5 scenes in the entire film. His first appearance where he grabs Corey in the sewer from the trailer, when he gets his first kill to "reinvigorate" himself, when he pointlessly kills the one nurse, when he pathetically wrestles with Corey, and the final battle which he didn't even want to participate in! It's almost comically funny. If you thought we'd get some big reveal regarding Mikey or explanations after "Halloween Kills" then forget that shit. Is Michael transcending--becoming the boogeyman? Nope. This movie strongly implies Michael's strength comes from killing people, whether it be mental or actually physical, yet doesn't explain why he would stop killing for 4 years. Why is he hiding in a sewer? How come he is able to lift the nurse in the air with one hand, but then can't even stop Corey from stealing his mask? How did he know Corey would end up at Laurie's house? Why would he spare Corey? They seemingly have a connection as if Mikey is passing on his essence to Corey, however, the filmmakers do not commit to the bit. In fact, they can't commit to anything one way or another which creates this enormous, jumbled mess for a story.

Speaking of which...this movie has no idea what it wants to be. Corey is a new character, and, essentially, takes over the entire story. He accidentally killed some brat one Halloween and the town has treated him like an outcast ever since. He then bonds with Laurie and Allyson since they're also treated like misfits. The vast majority of the story revolves around Corey and Allyson falling in love over the course of like four days. This is teen girl, CW level shit, dude; this isn't even a damn "Halloween" movie for fuck's sake! While this cornball romance is unfolding, we get forced scenes to establish all the future victims as assholes deserving of getting their comeuppance. Which, I have to mention, "Halloween Ends" has THE, hands down, uncontested weakest/dumbest bullies ever depicted in a motion picture. The icing on the cake is that the few characters left who actually have a connection to Michael barely do anything except interact with this pathetic Allyson/Corey romance. Come to think of it, one character kind of suggests the basis for this film's story: what if Michael and Laurie had been in love. That vomit-inducing, fanfic kind of thinking is basically what we got here. Ahhhh god...why?! This can't be real.

At one point I was just praying for something not retarded to happen...anything! I thought, maybe Corey will get revenge on people and blame it on Michael only for the big man himself to emerge. Nope. Instead, Corey is seemingly possessed by Michael, having those black eyes Loomis spoke about. Except...he's not and just wants to be with Allyson? I don't know. Corey wants Michael to help him...then he wants to be like Michael...then he wants to be Michael. Uh huh. Can you pick one and just stick with it?! Laurie realizes Michael isn't after her as she was explicitly told in "Kills" but is convinced it is about her again anyway? In fact, why is Laurie narrating this movie? It makes no sense under this context. Would she really become a regular grandma after being nuts for 40 years? Basically, the filmmakers couldn't decide what to do with Laurie or any character for that matter.

Corey's descent into madness is not handled properly or makes no sense whatsoever if Michael is not supernatural. After meandering about for, roughly, 90 minutes, Corey steals Michael's mask and tries to become him--going on his own killing spree that feels completely unearned. He even tries to kill Laurie who easily defeats the crybaby. Yet, once again, this story fumbles and makes Corey kill himself to make it appear Laurie killed him. The idea is that it will make it look as though Laurie needs Michael in her life...except that has nothing to do with the themes shown thus far. This doesn't matter anyhow since Mikey magically knows where his mask is and comes to get it. This then begins the most disappointing finale I could possibly imagine. Mikey struggles to beat Laurie who manages to pin him down and cut his throat. But he breaks free and strangles Laurie who wants to die...except she doesn't? Once again, I don't fucking know! But, seriously, how can Mikey take this kind of beating and still be a normal human? He then has his wrists slit before the cops show up. At last, in a scene that would have made more sense at the end of "Kills," Michael's body is paraded around town for everyone to see he's truly dead before being thrown into a grinder. What an unearned, unceremonious lame defeat for Michael Myers. Nearly 45 years of the character creeping out generations of audiences only to slowly bleed out in an impromptu fight he didn't even want to engage in! Again, it's almost comically moronic to think about. Like...the guy was literally forced out of hiding at the last minute for his final showdown and no one saw a problem with that dumbass of a setup?!!! The guy was king of the world at the end of "Kills," but there is no transition to how he got to this state of being or why he quit killing that night.

I've had a bad feeling about this movie from the moment they announced that 4 year time jump as it makes no sense from a narrative standpoint. Two installments in a trilogy take place the same night but then jump in time for the third? Why? Then, my bullshit alarm was going haywire when this movie began with a cornball song the opposite tone any "Halloween" should ever have. Way to set the atmosphere for the garbage to come. Contrast that with "Halloween Kills" and that amazing and effective ambient track, "Logos Kills." I mean--GODDAMN--it's beyond night and day in comparison. In fact, "Ends" is full of normal songs...some completely on the nose that have titles to correspond with dialogue of the characters. Other than the godawful Rob Zombie entries, no other installment has used a traditional soundtrack in place of the "Halloween" themes and tracks. Weirder still is that John Carpenter himself helped to work on the last two soundtracks to create new, fantastic and haunting melodies. Those all go out the window here.

And when I say they fucked up every facet of film making I mean it. The look and style of "Ends" is too bright. The pacing is too slow except for the scenes with Michael which are rushed over. The actual kills are lame and lack impact. By the way, most deaths are by Corey with Michael killing a, whopping, TWO people (three if you want to count finishing off Corey which I don't). I cannot stress enough the vastness in tone between "Kills" and "Ends." There is no word in the English language that can adequately express the level of disappointment I felt watching this. What more can I say? This was a horrifically bad film that failed miserably as a final entry--serving to waste its own potential and the audience's time--that learned nothing from past mistakes and decided to one-up them. There is simultaneously so much more to say and nothing left to say. Watching all my favorite franchises go down in flames over the last decade has been a sight to behold. I was angry, but now I don't care.

Notable Moment: When Corey and Allyson are dancing at that party, That was the moment when I realized this was now the new worst "Halloween," and a sinking, depressing feeling sunk over me.

Final Rating: 3/10