Horsemen Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A detective finds himself on the trail of killers who believe themselves to be the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Review: Wow, what a promising premise ruined so profoundly through a pretentious story loaded with endless stupidity. This could have been something really awesome, but instead comes off as a pathetic "Seven" wannabe. I mean, come on, it's the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse for god's sake (hah puns)! How can you screw up such an intriguing concept when it practically writes itself? The main problem with the film is that it feels disjointed as if there are many gaps, deleted scenes, or some kind of problems between the scenes interrupting the story's flow. There are discrepancies with the running time so there very well may be an uncut version somewhere out there in limbo or the film could have been unfinished and was rushed to completion with scenes missing. The story focuses on Aidan Breslin, played adequately by Dennis Quaid, a detective that focuses on dental forensics who is first called to a scene in which an entire set of bloody teeth are arranged on a tray, in the middle of a frozen lake, with the words "Come and See" written on four trees. Later, Aidan is called to a murder scene of a woman with the same phrase written at the crime scene, and the woman is strung up an in elaborate device that is seemingly custom built. There appears to be impressions on the carpet revealing that there were four killers present, the wounds on the woman were meant to kill her slowly with surgical accuracy, and that she had been pregnant with the fetus being removed. Honestly, this kill is the only decent thing going on in this film so they were wise to place it at the beginning in an attempt to lull the audience into a false sense that they might actually be watching a good film. The moment you see the dead woman's adopted daughter, Kristin, played excellently by Ziyi Zhang, it is unbelievably obvious she is one of the killers. Thankfully, this fact was understood and Kristin confesses fairly early on seemingly because she felt bad for killing the fetus unintentionally and because she wants to antagonize Aidan. Honestly, the highlight of this movie is whenever these two talk since Ms. Zhang is able to pull off the crazy angle quite well. I've read others complain about Ms. Zhang's English, but I thought she sounded fine. I also felt she was kind of sexy for a killer...I've really got to stop loving all these bad girls! She is somewhat sympathetic since she had been molested her whole life by her dad while the mom was presumably idle and so she decided to kill the mom and set the dad up to go to jail and live with his suffering; that's my explanation of what happened since the film is annoyingly unclear on the details. Before this, there had been another murder, but it didn't use the same hanging device but it did have the "Come and See" line written only three times though. As you may gather, most of the bull shit in this movie comes off as obvious plotlines that you know will be investigated later so it removes a lot of the mystery along the way. To cut to the chase, this second murder victim was actually one of the horsemen and since the other horsemen were angry he wasn't emo enough for them they killed him. The next victim is another horseman who was mad his brother couldn't accept he was gay, so he kills himself in front of the brother that he has strung up on one of the hanging devices. In typical emo-loser fashion, he figured this would be the best way to hurt his brother. Silly emos, get a grip and learn to cope with reality! Aidan finally realizes maybe someone wanted him on this case all along since it all began with those little toofies! Oh, you think?! Now, this whole movie, we are given embarrassingly obvious hints that Aidan's son, Alex, is the leader of the horsemen. Alex has been super emo since his mom, Aidan's wife, died and basically all he wanted was to make Aidan...uh, I guess, sad? We don't really get a legitimate reason as to what the goal was because Alex plans to kill himself in front of his weird internet followers. This is another aspect that feels left out big time. We only get a slight mention of the website that you learn Alex has created to unite emo bitches. At the same time the horsemen were somehow gathered through some therapy session that is glossed over. Essentially, the most important part of the film, the very reason why everything is happening, is the least explored part of the story! Oh, and Alex is in the final hanging device even though there seems to be no conceivable way he got himself into it without help. In the end, Aidan tries to console the whining little bitch boy as we cut to Aidan at his home reassuring his other son that everything is fine and that's just how it ends. We have no idea what became of Alex, what the hell was the point of all this, and how the fuck did they think this was going to end the world?! Maybe there was supposed to be more with the internet site like other emo bitch boys would kill themselves after Alex, but there is no mention of this. Grr, I don't know what the hell happened here because under all the contrivances, obvious twists, plot holes, pretentious preaching, stupid choices, and shenanigans, there was a decent story that went completely wasted. I wanted to like this film, but I knew they were on the wrong track when they didn't make Death the leader of the horsemen. Hello mother fuckers, "And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat upon him was Death, and Hell followed with him!" What's more badass than that?! And only Death is ever named as a horseman, the rest are just ambiguous. There are good ideas in this movie for sure, you are engaged even if you can predict everything that will happen, and the acting is decent for the most part. Maybe I was expecting it to be more on "Seven's" level if it's going to copy its approach. It's just barely worth a view, but you have to understand ahead of time what you're getting yourself into or you will be sorely disappointed as I was.

Notable Moment: Any of the times when Aidan is interviewing Kristin. The banter between the two is the best part of the movie and even this didn't come to a satisfying conclusion.

Final Rating: 5/10

Tamara Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: The school outcast is killed during a prank and resurrects as a sexy demon.

Review: At first glance this may appear to be a "Jennifer's Body" ripoff, but actually it's more likely "Jennifer's Body" ripped this film off. In a lot of ways this is a tribute to '80s slashers with the classic plotline about a bullied teen accidently killed during high school hijinks. However, instead of a masked killer, the bullied teen comes back herself to take care of the idiots that wronged her. Obviously the heart of the story is the titular character played well by the alluring Jenna Dewan. I thought the Tamara character was looking pretty damn cute even in her dorky form, but good lord can she work a skirt in her undead form! It's so weird, I've seen Ms. Dewan in many other works, but she never looked so vivacious as she does in this film; she's even a throwaway character in "The Grudge 2." Anyway, Tamara is hated for whatever reason by her peers with the exception of a new girl, molested by her creepy, drunken dad since her mom died, and pretty much has a shitty life. It definitely helps that Tamara is a sympathetic character since it makes it easier to enjoy her revenge. The only things she has going for her are her intelligence and the support of her English teacher, Bill Natolly, played by Matthew Marsden, who encourages her to do an expose on the drug abuse of the football team. Obviously those douchebags don't like that and 3 of them hatch a plan to humiliate Tamara as revenge once they learn she has a crush on Bill. Luring in the new girl who likes Tamara, Chloe, with her boyfriend and some random audio/visual geek, they set up a party at a hotel with Tamara being filmed in the adjacent room. Basically, they trick Tamara into coming to the hotel where she thinks Bill is waiting for her and they will presumably have sex. Unbeknownst to the bullies is that Tamara had invoked a witch's spell to make Bill fall in love with her. I get that they wanted to create a contrast between Tamara in life and her resurrection, but seeing her strip down to lingerie (me likey!) in the dorky form only showed how no one that hot would be the school outcast! I should probably note that a movie like this would have seriously benefitted from exploiting its concept more for fan service, but there's no nudity (oh come on!). So once the jig is up and Tamara sees that Chloe was involved (which she was not aware of until she saw the footage of Tamara), she goes ballistic and attacks Chloe. In the struggle, Tamara hits her head on the side of a table and seemingly dies instantly. In typical "I Know What You Did Last Summer" fashion, the group agrees they have too much to lose by going to the police so they decide to bury Tamara's body; they threaten to turn on Chloe with the filmed fight if she confesses as well. The group attempts to carry on as usual until Tamara shows up very much alive with a brand new attitude, killer body, and sexy outfits galore! The group thinks Tamara must have merely survived the injury and try to avoid her despite her constant antagonization. Well it doesn't take long before Tamara starts to kill people in the group using her various new powers; she can gain control of a person with a touch and make them do and see whatever she wants. At the same time Tamara attempts to woo Bill more than ever making it very difficult for Bill to deny her when she comes on to him so seductively. Seeing that Bill resists despite her bodacious new looks, Tamara seeks to eliminate the source of the resistance, Bill's wife. For some idiotic reason, the bullies throw a party in which Tamara crashes intending to kill the last of her tormentors now that her dad is toast. Hilariously, Tamara makes two of the football players have sex as revenge while enthralling one of their girlfriends. Chloe and her boyfriend try to gain Bill's aide but the enthralled girlfriend alerts Tamara who sends the two lover boys to kill Bill's wife. Meanwhile, they discover that Tamara was resurrected by her love spell which binds her life to that of Bill's life meaning that she lives as long as Bill does. Once Bill's wife kills the lover boys, she is taken to the hospital where Tamara attacks, enthralling the staff to do her bidding, which leads to Chloe's boyfriend dying. Finally, Bill, his wife, Chloe, and Tamara all meet on the hospital's roof in which they attempt to reach the real Tamara inside. Tamara confesses she could have controlled Bill if she wanted but chose not to (which was a nice touch). As Tamara fails to control Chloe, she realizes what she has become and begins to whither. However, the evil is too strong, and Bill realizes the only way to end it is to kill himself which he does as he pulls Tamara off with him in an embrace. For some reason, the final scene shows the enthralled girlfriend stealing the spell book Tamara had used for whatever unknown reason...maybe to resurrect Tamara yet again. I definitely liked this film more than I probably should have. Maybe it was the sexy Ms. Dewan, the throwback vibe, the fact that things were never taken too seriously, or that Tamara was a likable villain, but I did feel this was a good movie. It's not great by any means with some lame effects, weak acting, and many stupid moments, but better than average. If you get the chance to check this one out, it's worth the time but don't go expecting much. Also, if you aren't the type to be amused by a hot girl in a short skirt, I'm sure you will think this film has significantly less to offer than I...but that's just how I roll! God, this would have made for one hell of a porno! Hmm...maybe I should get writing?

Notable Moment: When we first see Tamara return to school after being buried. So sexy!

Final Rating: 6/10

Ms. Dewan when in her demonic form:

Iron Man: Rise of the Technovore Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Some emo bitch boy wants to rebuild the world using butterflies or some shit like that.

Review: Oh dear lord this film was painful to sit through. It's extremely hard for me to believe that this nonsense was a single script because there seems to be like half of two different movies missing here. If you dare watch, you will understand what I'm talking about. There's just a sense of emptiness and that a big part is missing. Needless to say, the story is a complete fucking mess and borders on pretentious at many times. Tony Stark aka Iron Man, is launching some spy satellite supposedly to help monitor criminal activity with association from S.H.I.E.L.D. You'd think with an opening premise like that they would make the movie more about an ethical debate or that the bad guys planned to hack it or whatever...but nope. Instead the bad guy, Ezekiel Stane, wants to use the power of the satellite to spread his technovores or something like that; Ezekiel is the son of Obadiah Stane aka the Iron Monger. The technovores are some kind of organic machines that seem to be able to do whatever Ezekiel wants including giving him his own super armor or blowing shit up. Since Ezekiel has embedded the technovores into his body, it gives him great powers but also affects his mental state making him believe he's some kind of god. At first much of this doesn't seem so bad, but that's until the many contrivances, plot holes, and sheer stupidity appear. First, we see a band of minions attacking the satellite launch site using their wannabe Iron Man armors. Tony and War Machine eventually kill them all, but they hype up Ezekiel pointlessly since it makes it seem like their an organization only for it to appear Ezekiel is working alone. So who the hell were these goons, why do we never hear mention of them again, when was Ezekiel working on their armor since he has no real lab, and considering how that bitch boy talks, he would not associate with them nor would anyone follow such a pretentious douchebag? Anyway, Ezekiel has ample opportunity to kill Tony but chooses to seemingly kill War Machine instead...uh okay. Once this is done, S.H.I.E.L.D. wants Tony to help them, so they decide to hound him and come close to killing him many times?! Tony enlists the Punisher's help since he wants to track down who would have access to such advanced technology. This is the best part of the film, but I should mention the action scenes are good in the movie (even if they're pointless filler), it's just that the story is unbelievably stupid, nonsensical, and boring. Once again, agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. attack Tony nearly killing him; this really is one of the most annoying aspects to the film. So after losing the first fight, Tony figures somehow because he knows the identity of the enemy is Ezekiel this will somehow allow him to win! Big shock, Tony shows up and immediately gets trapped by the dumb technovores. After a ridiculous explanation for his motivations, Ezekiel loses control because the technovores suck and we needed another lame contrivance to keep the story rolling. Also, Ezekiel seems to have an imaginary friend that makes no sense. Honestly, listening to Ezekiel talk is so painful because he's trying so hard to be philosophical but failing so epically. Now that everyone is with S.H.I.E.L.D. it shouldn't be a surprise that Ezekiel breaks free and starts to kill more people. Oh yeah, you learn War Machine isn't dead but clinging to life which will serve as a huge plot hole later! Butterfly bitch boy begins to lose control of the technovores as they have their own goals all of a sudden? I really don't know. Ezekiel turns into a giant monster that Tony must fight and, once again, he's about to die when War Machine appears out of nowhere! Okay, it's one thing for him to magically have the strength to fight, but where the hell did a new armor for him to use come from?! They just brush it off at the end and say the technovores repaired him! Really...the fucking technovores?! The same idiotic technovores that killed you?! Nice deus ex machina! And what, they rebuilt your armor too while simultaneously trying to destroy the world with some newly found artificial intelligence? Ugh! Keeping with the senselessness, the Ezekiel monster is about to kill War Machine when it conveniently goes through a metamorphosis. Oh, I get it, like a butterfly! Oh wait, it turns into a big marshmallow instead! Yeah, that makes perfect sense. So the marshmallow attaches itself to a building and is somehow using the satellite to spread the technovores into all technology or some shit like that until they just use the satellite to blast it all away or whatever...I don't even care! Blah blah blah contrivance blah blah blah plot hole blah blah blah prententious. The end! This movie sucks so much ass it's hard to believe how it was greenlit! How can you go this wrong with Iron Man?! Was production rushed to coincide with "Iron Man 3" promotions? Other than a few decent action scenes, some of the voice actors, and the beautiful animation that is utterly wasted, there is nothing good about this film. The story is laughably stupid and will infuriate you with how little sense it makes! The contrivances and plot holes are unbearable and, once again, this a film plagued by incessant boredom. I think I may be too generous with some of these ratings. This is definitely an easy pass, and I recommend only renting if you're a huge Iron Man or Marvel fan. Anyone else, stay clear. Ahh, I'm so tired of typing the fucking word "technovores!" Fuck the technovores!

Notable Moment: The few scenes with the Punisher since I liked their approach to the character.

Final Rating: 4/10