J-Horror Anthology: Legends Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers

Plot Summary: A series of six episodes from a Japanese TV show about various horror legends...supposedly.

Review: First and foremost, that title is what has been slapped on the DVD; the Japanese title is "Inagawa Junji no shinjitsu no horror." So I don't know what others might call this series around the world. What I do know, however, is that the segment, "She Bear" (or She-bear), has been floating around youtube for a long ass time. The other important aspect to note is the extremely low-budget nature of each tale. Some of these stories would have been significantly better with a sufficient budget to back them up. Essentially, this set feels incredibly similar to "Dark Tales of Japan" which I reviewed previously. Although...it's a trade-off since the tales are better here yet the sets and picture quality are noticeably worse. Oh well.

Wraparound(ish): Okay, there isn't an actual wraparound, but there is a wannabe Rod Serling setting up each episode which is the only way to know these tales were from the same series. Considering how short the segments are, it does help to know for certain these are all connected. In fact, despite there being six episodes, the total running time is still only about the length of an average film. As for the wannabe Rod, sometimes his ramblings have little to do with the story. Also, they don't do a very good job of masking his obvious line reading; sure, this is a nitpick, but it takes away a part of the mystery.

Peony Lamp: I don't know what the hell a peony lamp is, and I didn't really see any lamps connected to this tale, but this is the segment that felt closest to any kind of Japanese legend. There is some noblewoman that is in love with a samurai, but the two are forbidden to be together. Unable to cope with that life, the woman kills herself and haunts her samurai lover unbeknownst to him. When a servant of the samurai realizes the truth he tries to assist by blocking the ghostly woman until her time left in the world passes; if the samurai is touched by her he will be taken to the afterlife too...or whatever. Of course shenanigans ensue when another suitor of the samurai makes the ghostly woman jealous, turning her into a yurei seemingly. Since ghostses are tricksy, the noblewoman convinces the samurai that her time has passed, and things are safe, only to realize it's still night. The next morning the samurai is found dead like a dumbass. I liked this segment a lot due to that classic, ghost story vibe. Also, that chick was willing to kill herself to be with you...that's loyalty you can't buy!

She Bear (She-bear?): Two schoolgirls are walking along wherever when they stumble across a warning to avoid the She-bear. Then they go home and nothing happens. The end. Who am I kidding...of course they come across the She-bear! I guess she is supposed to be some kind of supernatural creature, given her teleportation abilities, though it's not explained for beans. Our beloved She-bear carries around a teddy bear with jewelry inside and, occasionally, the limbs connected to it like a finger or ear; she uses large scissors as her weapon of choice. For no particular reason, She-bear fixates on our little schoolgirls and chases them around until they figure out to simply give her all their jewelry willingly. Unfortunately for them, they held out on one item and the segment ends with an angry She-bear about to collect. Overall, this is probably going to be the highlight for most although I thought it was simply okay. Gotta love the gratuitous upskirt shots and a character named Rika though.

Yamaba: This title appears to be spelled wrong on the DVD menu. I mean, I could be wrong, but the subtitles spell it as "Yamamba" and I hear that second "m" when characters pronounce the word. Anyway, a cute journalist and cameraman--I'm guessing--investigate some bullshit about a deity called Yamamba. When trying to interview the locals of some village, the two eventually become lost in the woods. Stumbling upon a random house, the two are invited to stay the night by a shady woman only for the cameraman to become that night's dinner. Yummy. When the journalist figures this out she runs away from monsters that turn out to be the villagers they interviewed. The story ends with my cute little journalist about to die at the hands of horrendous CGI. This was another decent story save for the laughable effects. I think more time could have been spent building things up, but the ADHD crowd will appreciate this kind of pacing.

Nurarihyon: This was the dumbest of the tales by a significant margin. A pumpkinhead ghost...uhh, haunts...a little boy for reasons unknown. This is apparently a friendly, yet mischievous, spirit that gets his rocks off by being annoying. One night, thieves decide to rob the boy's family but are dispatched by the ghost's psychic powers. Yet...the ghost is magically hurt by a sword? Uh huh. Once the thieves are moronically defeated, the ghost disappears and moves on to be an annoyance somewhere else. Umm...thanks...I guess. Dude, I don't know what the fuck was happening here, but, mercifully, this was the shortest story of the six.

Heart Broken Trip: This is probably the best tale overall, but it's also hindered by shoddy effects. Another cute chick decides to spend a weekend away with her friend to help get over being dumped. Once at the...spa...hot spring...fill in whatever anime cliche...the main chick settles in alone, because her friend is running late. That night, after coming out of a bath looking like 10 times better, the cutie becomes haunted out of the blue by various ghosts. In particular, I was impressed by the mirror ghost; that's how you utilize a low-budget effectively! Just when the cutie appears doomed, her friend finally appears and saves the day. Shocking no one, the friend is also a ghost and died when heading to the trip. I don't know if the writer felt like viewers might interpret these two as lesbians or something, but they beat it into your head that the friend was sad about also getting dumped by her boyfriend. And that's it. There probably should have been more story elements at play to explain the random ghosts, but the tale is respectable for what it is.

Lost Souls: I wish this and "Heart Broken Trip" had swapped positioning, because this episode ends things on a sour note. A young couple cruising around in the middle of oblivion suddenly become hungry for Ramen. Surrre, why not. At some seedy restaurant, a family of ghosts haunt the place and will drag you to hell seemingly if you look at them. The mullet-wielding boyfriend is able to ignore the ghosts, however, the dumb girlfriend just can't help herself. When trying to drive away, the two are magically drawn to the location in which the ghost family drowned. The episode ends with the ghosts adding the girlfriend to the family so to speak; well, either that or they're just giving her a nice back rub! Hmm, it's not that this is a bad story, but it's more that nothing is explained and ends abruptly. In fact, a lot of these stories needed some fleshing out to build up the tension.

All things considered, this series was merely above average. There are too many glaring flaws that cannot be overlooked, yet, there is a charm to the presentation. Most of the individual tales could have been better with more time and better budgets, but I respect their efforts nonetheless. There are better sets out there to fill that J-horror void, however, I only paid like $5 for this DVD so I'm not complaining. I imagine the complete set is floating around the internet in some shape or form since I saw that "She Bear" segment years ago. Regardless, I'd recommend this most for Asian horror fans as casual viewers will likely not be impressed with the experience.

Notable Moment: During the "Nurarihyon" segment when the thieves go flying. This is painfully embarrassing to behold.

Final Rating: 5.5/10

Dark Tales of Japan Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: An anthology of five tales told by a ghostly grandma aboard a late-night bus.

Review: Despite being made-for-TV, this wasn't half bad. Oh, sure, much of the special effects are horrendous and the budget limitations are palpable, but they managed to work with the material well enough to get the job done. My main gripe is that none of the stories are particularly interesting or memorable. It's not that they're bad--they simply lean toward the mediocre side of things. This isn't to say that you shouldn't give it a watch, however, you should keep in mind that average tales mixed with shoddy effects could come off as a disappointment; I mean, this ain't "Ju-on: The Curse" here. Finally, there is a separate issue only affecting the Western DVD.

Wraparound: If you were like me, you were probably wondering where the fuck is the wraparound discussed on the wiki page?! I don't know why it's not included, but you're losing out on about 10 minutes of material as well as the plot element that pieces everything together. True, the wraparound has no bearing on any individual tale, but it adds to the experience. Thankfully, someone did upload a, seemingly, complete version on youtube. So...all that happens is this ghostly old lady haunts a bus and its handful of passengers they pick up. She does address us, the viewing audience--which is a nice touch--and she creates a kind of interlude between segments. I actually thought there was a lot of potential here for a larger story, but things just kind of end abruptly once the driver runs away after having enough of the ghostly shenanigans. Overall, it's annoying this content was cut, but it's not exactly going to make or break the film as a whole.

The Spiderwoman: I want to say this entry was striving for satire; in a way, we see the depiction of how easily urban legends spread around Japan. For this urban legend we have the titular spiderwoman that people claim to see with all manner of conflicting accounts. Two journalists investigating the sightings come across the actual creature as she can take a human form. By the end, one of the journalists is magically turned into a...Spider-Man...? Eh, just no Kirsten Dunst, please, for the love of fuck! I guess this segment was okay if you don't take things too seriously. Unfortunately, the special effects are exceptionally terrible which really drags down the final impression. It sucks too because the filmmakers were finding creative ways to make it look like someone had a bunch of limbs earlier in the tale.

Crevices: This segment felt like an unofficial prequel to "Kairo" (or "Pulse" whichever you prefer). I mean, you've got a ghost being kept at bay by red tape so what else am I to make of that? Anyway, a guy comes looking to find out what happened to his missing friend. At the missing friend's apartment, there is nothing but red tape everywhere which baffles the guy and an accompanying landlord. While taking off the tape and looking for clues, the landlord suddenly disappears into thin air. Finding a video recording of the friend, the main guy realizes that some Sadako-clone is haunting the apartment and somehow can appear within any crevice. It makes little sense if you think too hard about it so just roll with it. Shocking no one, the guy tries to tape up every edge in the apartment only to miss one and die. I think this tale kind of embodies my issues with this film--it's not bad but you just shrug your shoulders and move on.

The Sacrifice: Okay, now this isn't the best entry, but it's got a little extra spice if you know what I mean. That's right, another sexy babe! And, WOW, this chick, Yu Yamada, was totally doing it for me--she looks like she could be Rika's fookin' sister! I can't stand the dyed hair, but exceptions can always be made! Wait, where was I? Oh yes, there is a story here. Apparently, when the main girl, played by Ms. Yamada, was little she saw her grandma die in order to save the ailing mother. This was some kind of sacrifice to a spirit or demon or monster or whatever the hell it was supposed to be! Now, as an adult, the main girl is somehow cursed by a dorky dude she rejected. With this curse growing stronger, the girl's mom decides she will sacrifice herself to this same...entity...in order to save our dear, sweet Ms. Yamada's life. Sure enough, this cancels out the curse and kills the dorky guy in the process as well. Then this leaves Ms. Yamada to now be the mother of my children so she can keep the sacrificial tradition going...or at least that's how it ended in my head. But seriously, this was just another so-so tale. It was kind of original, I suppose, but we don't really know why anything is happening.

Try and tell me she couldn't pass for Rika's evil, yet sexy, twin?

Blonde Kwaidan: I guess this entry was the best despite it being really short and ending in an idiotic way. Some businessman is visiting the USA and staying near Hollywood. His reactions are amusing and he loves all the blonde girls he sees. I especially loved when he discussed that Hollywood was going down for pointlessly doing nothing but remakes. You're fucking telling me, dude. Later on, after staying at another businessman's address, the guy is haunted by a blonde equivalent of Kayako. And now we know why you don't see long-haired, blonde ghosts running around...they look ridiculous; there is just something about the black hair that works. And I'm not joking about the whole Kayako thing--the blonde's body is found in a similar way to Kayako, and it's the same director, Takashi Shimizu, behind this tale. What ruins this entry is that it ends just when things are getting interesting. I can appreciate the jokes and humorous tone, but, due to general pointlessness and ending things prematurely, I can see people thinking this was the worst.

Presentiment: Lastly, we come to the longest tale of the bunch. Again, this could have been something special yet the potential is squandered needlessly. A guy plans to rob his company and then flee with some side chick. Hmm...it's almost as if they don't want you to feel bad when he dies. So after pulling some next level "Mission Impossible" shit, the guy goes to leave the building when he becomes trapped on the elevator with three shifty characters. If you can't tell they're ghosts within one second you might need your horror credentials revoked. Ahh, but here's the spin--the ghosts have nothing better to do than to watch other people become ghosts. After somewhat, and rightfully, guilt-tripping the guy, he realizes they're ghosts when the rescuers say he's the only one on the elevator. Surviving the incident, the ghosts wonder what went wrong until some kind of "Final Destination" shit kicks in to finish him off. The ending is somewhat fitting since the ghosts wonder if the guy's lover will die next since she kept threatening to commit suicide if the guy doesn't leave his family for her. The grim reaper...I guess...informs them that she won't die for like 50 years and will have three kids. Hah. That's a good one.

All things considered, this film is slightly above average. More so, if you got screwed over with the Western release of the DVD, then I'd drop the rating down to a 5/10 since you're getting screwed out of the wraparound. There are plenty of positives without a doubt, however, the negatives are substantial. If there had been at least one impressive story that stood above the rest that could have alleviated the lackluster nature of the rest; instead, each tale is more or less of the same quality. Of course I got a new chickadee out of the experience, but others won't see much of a benefit from Ms. Yamada's inclusion. Nevertheless, I still think Asian horror fans might get a kick out of this. Casual moviegoers will probably want to avoid this one though.

Notable Moment: During the "Blonde Kwaidan" segment when the main guy is driving down Hollywood Boulevard. It's just a funny scenario, and he's such a cliched tourist, but the icing on the cake is taking a shot at shitty remakes of Asian movies.

Final Rating: 5.5/10

Sadako vs Kayako Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: The two biggest J-horror legends clash because...reasons.

Review: So here is a little Christmas present that has been long, long overdue. First, let me point you to this posting I made nearly a year ago: Sadako vs Kayako prediction. I was actually pretty damn close! In fact, I still think my ending, with the addition of Mimiko from "One Missed Call," would have been significantly better than what we got. Anyway, what to make of this film...hmm. Well, if this were intended to be an honorary "Ringu 3" it's not too bad. However, if I judge the movie on what was promised, it's an absolute fucking mess. The truly irritating aspect is how disrespectful the filmmakers are to the "Grudge" franchise. They are ignoring pretty much all sequels to both franchises, but they're definitely more faithful to Sadako (another aspect I predicted). But it's not just giving Sadako the advantage--Kayako gets beat hard and doesn't even show up until the 75 minute mark! Let that sink in...no Kayako for an hour and fifteen minutes! They need to change the title to Sadako vs random Japanese girls. I have no idea what they were thinking, but J-horror is in dire need of a second wind or something.

They don't even show her face. Disappointing.

Might as well start off with what was working in the film's favor. If you ignore all the Kayako parts, and just fixate on Sadako, this is a worthy entry for the "Ring" series. This notion that Sadako and the tape have become a known urban legend around Japan was logical and established a certain air of mystery that was impressive; even as the characters express, the fact that VHS as a medium is outdated kind of makes the urban legend creepier. The cinematography and lighting are spot on, and this presentation also extends toward the Kayako side of things as well. In this same vein, the tone is captured commendably--better than I would have thought really. It's almost as if a "Ringu" script was lying around incomplete, and they filled in the holes with Kayako. The last thing that was, kind of, cool was the fusion of Sadako and Kayako into one being (wikipedia calling it Sayako). I guess this is intended to be the sequel-bait portion?

It's not the same without Takako Fuji, but the makeup looks better than the other entries without her.

Now for the bad...and it's a considerable amount of bad! As I already addressed, Kayako doesn't show up until the movie is practically over. Sure, you see her hands for a second and hear some croaking but that's weak. Hell, Toshio probably does more in the movie than Kayako...AGAIN! On top of that, they didn't come close to capturing the design of the Saeki house. And yeaaaah, remember how Kayako was living near the woods with a well just chilling out in her backyard?! Talk about fucking contrivances! Speaking of retcons, why did they change what was shown on Sadako's tape? I already knew they would make Sadako more powerful (because she is), however, I'd hoped they would at least give equal action to both franchises. Instead, Kayako's inclusion is noticeably forced with shenanigans shoehorned in just because. This leads me to these idiotic spiritualists they introduce who can magically go head to head with Kayako and Sadako like it's no biggie. These spiritualists also casually know about Kayako and just come up with, on the spot, the idea that they will try to cancel out the curses by making the two ghostly ladies fight. This doesn't even make sense since whoever won would still kill the people they have cursed! You kind of have to see this shit for yourself, but, suffice it to say, the way the events unfold is horrific and also majorly contrived. Making matters worse is that the movie suddenly ends without any resolution. There is a post-credit scene so I guess the last two girls alive died...oh well...no loss there. The last thing I'll add is how annoying the characters are. We have a dumbass who won't just ignore the Saeki house, a dumbass who goes suicidal out of nowhere, a dumbass, wannabe cool-guy, and a dumbass lead who is identical to every good girl in either series. The only character who had potential--though squandered nonetheless--was the blind, little psychic girl; her backstory might have actually made for a compelling means to link Sadako to Kayako. Whatever, dude.

I really don't know what I was expecting here, because the entire premise is preposterous. I guess I was hoping against hope that things would turn out good...somehow. In all fairness, the "Ringu" aspects are decent, and the groundwork for a respectable film was certainly there; can't say there wasn't potential. I wish the "Grudge" franchise made out better from a fan perspective yet I knew they would not handle things properly from the get-go. There are plenty of positives spread throughout like the look and tone which creates the illusion you are watching a proper sequel to either series. Unfortunately, they drop the ball hard at the end, leaving you unsatisfied and, ultimately, disappointed. Could there be a sequel to this one day? Sure. Could it actually be a good movie? Definitely but I wouldn't hold my breath. If you're a fan of either franchise I guess you should watch this for a sense of completion. If you are simply intrigued by the novelty of these two characters fighting then I think you will be unsatisfied. Overall, a mediocre time-waster that is more annoying if you were genuinely excited by the prospect of this film.

Notable Moment: When that one spiritualist dies while headbutting the professor. Whaaat? That was beyond moronic, but the bitch-slap to Yuri was amusing since it came out of nowhere.

Final Rating: 5.5/10