Iron Girl Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A mysterious woman fights bandits in an apocalyptic wasteland.

Review: Uhh man, not again! How do you screw up something this easy to make awesome? You have a Japanese porn star playing a cybernetic warrior fighting in some kind of post-apocalyptic oblivion--come on! This is "Onechanbara" all over again except they didn't even have the courtesy to provide the same level of gore or action. This seriously annoys me, because these films are supposed to be like modern day exploitation films yet they don't exploit anything--not even their own ridiculous premises. Despite this, I did find "Iron Girl" to be slightly better than the "Onechanbara" movies, but it's nowhere near the quality and entertainment of "The Machine Girl" or "Dead Ball."

Okay, let's look at the Iron Girl herself, Kirara Asuka. She's hot, no doubt about that, but there's this kind of artificial look to her that they sort of worked into the script as well. Her eyes are so big that it makes her appear as a living anime character or something. I just find the likes of Minase Yashiro, as the machine girl, to be more appealing and natural (yes, I know I keep bringing her and that movie up!). If Ms. Asuka is the main draw for you, rejoice, because she is scantily clad the whole movie and goes topless a few times. Adding to that, her outfit is sexy, but I actually thought she looked badass when she wears the red shroud; it's hard to decide, do I prefer the sexy or tough look better? As far as the action goes, it's spread out too much and basically consists of the Iron Girl doing a few punches and kicks until the final battle. Come on, she's some kind of cyborg/android...make her be ripping people to pieces! This leads me to one of the main detractors: the movie is boring. The action is tame and sporadic, but the biggest mistake is all this talking! We get it, the Iron Girl is protecting helpless villagers and teaching them to fight, now get to the fun parts already. Sadly, those fun parts are few and far between; you'd think a movie like this would be loaded with zany antics and shenanigans coming out the ass but nope.

The story is seriously nothing more than Iron Girl shows up, saves the gothic and psycho lolita, Rina Akiyama, must protect the girl and the villagers from the wrath of the villain, kills the villain's unoriginal flunkies, then kills the villain. The end. There was a majorly wasted opportunity to have fun and go as over the top with the material as possible. I understand there may have been budget limitations, but then why the hell are you even making a movie like this? You'd be surprised by how straightforward and serious this film tries to be. It's not to say there aren't funny and cool moments, it's just that they're spread thin as hell and felt random rather than natural. For example, there's a scene when Iron Girl is trying to have a witty comeback, and she says she's drawing a blank or the one bad guy apologizes to his own men for bad breath; the lighthearted humor feels off when it comes out of nowhere. The best moment is the final battle when you learn the villain is also a cyborg/android, but they idiotically make his motives do a total 180. They hype up a prophecy (which is stupid unto itself) about an "iron savior," which is the Iron Girl, and in this prophecy, that looks like hieroglyphics for whatever reason, she is versing an equal opponent: the iron saint. At first the villain is supposed to be a crazy lunatic, but then apparently he saw his role as the iron saint as saving the world by eliminating humanity? What? Wouldn't that fact have made for a more interesting villain than the goofball we see throughout the film?! In fact, the film's ending is when all the best shit happens like Iron Girl unleashing her full powers, something with the moon having a computer, and a third party seemingly resurrecting the villain. I also like how they give the Iron Girl a semi-love interest at the last second as if we were supposed to know she liked this one guy that dies. And don't even get me started on the fucking slow motion in this movie. I HATE it! Was the editing studio doubling as daycare and the babies kept hitting the slow motion button every fucking two minutes?! I am not exaggerating in the slightest, there are slow motion shots constantly and unnecessarily even when it's a character standing up or in the middle of talking. It's as if they realized the running time was too short and found a new way to pad a film out another 15 minutes.

Overall, the film starts off well enough, spirals into boredom far too quickly, but does manage to end strongly. You want to see the Iron Girl kicking ass in interesting and creative ways, but instead you are treated to redundant conversations about Iron Girl teaching bitches to fight accompanied by endless slow motion shots. The villain is pointless and would have made for an offbeat adversary if portrayed the whole film as he is in the final battle. You can't have the film pick up in the last 10 minutes when that is how it should have been from the onset. Everything felt like a waste when all the elements to produce an entertaining flick were right there. I'd say this movie is mostly mediocre, but I'm giving it a couple extra points for at least showing us Ms. Asuka's goods. Oh, if only "Onechanbara" would have done the same--especially in regards to one Ms. Manami Hashimoto! Sigh.

Notable Moment: During the final battle when cool and unexpected shit finally happens. Why couldn't the entirety of the film be comprised of moments like this?

Final Rating: 5/10

The Iron Girl in all her sexy glory:

The more bad ass look to Iron Girl: