Hellraiser: Hellworld Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: The Hellraiser universe is a video game...or something...and idiots go to a haunted house or whatever the fuck was supposed to be happening here.

Review: Umm...Rika, sweetie...what the flying fuck did I just watch?! This isn't a "Hellraiser" movie whatsoever. We have gone far beyond missing the themes of the franchise or not pulling off the aesthetics--oh no--we have entered shenanigans of epic proportions! I'm speechless. It's hard to fathom the "thinking" that went into this installment. More or less, this is a haunted house movie where Pinhead shows up at the end for no real reason. I get it...it's part 8 in a franchise that should have stopped at part 2...okay, fine...but this is insulting to whatever fans are left. And, believe me, I'm not just pissed because this is "Hellraiser" in name only--I'm annoyed because this is also an unbelievably shitty movie to boot. In fact, this is one of those instances where I kept thinking a stupid scene would be the "notable moment" only for that moronic scene to be eclipsed mere minutes later. I always love that shit!

The film opens by making absolutely no fucking sense, but that's okay...it is part 8 after all. Then we come to learn that one of two scenarios has unfolded, and the filmmakers were too lazy to even explain which is true. Possibility 1: somehow, the mythos of this franchise was turned into a video game by someone, somewhere, to trick people into opening the puzzle box I guess. Since this is virtually impossible to establish, we can mostly ignore the likelihood of that being true. Possibility 2: everything that has transpired in the franchise to date was fictional, and this entry is supposed to be reality. Scratch that, we are going with Possibility 3: the creators were lazy as fuck and barely altered an existing script as a big fuck you to the audience.

So our main characters are all fans of the "Hellraiser" video game yet it hardly contributes to the plot. I hate to admit it, but this notion of "Hellraiser" being a video game that lures in victims could have worked (if done right) and added something new to the mythos. Unfortunately, all that happens is the characters go to a party where someone has planned revenge against them for reasons we hardly understand. Yeaaaah, don't go expecting Pinhead or "we'll tear your soul apart" kinda shit to happen. I mean, Pinhead is there, but we come to learn he's just a hallucination and doesn't do much even at that. Anyway...the party and the zany antics that unfold are predictably dumb and cliche. As I mentioned, the story boils down to a haunted house movie with light slasher elements and titties added just so I won't lower the score further (credit where credit is due). Humorously, Henry Cavill is here playing a douche. How the hell did you go from fookin' Albert Mondego to this shit, dude?! However, the only real draw is to see the luscious Katheryn Winnick in another horror movie. And damn is she looking ever so sexy; not going to lie, her ass in those tight pants kept the score from plummeting into the 3/10 range.

After wanting to blow my brains out for 80 minutes, we come to learn that everything has been a hallucination while each character is buried underground for revenge. Everything "Hellraiser" related, the video game, and even Pinhead were nothing more than a ruse...or shitacular editing and script revisions. So...yeah...the whole movie is a revenge scheme very much grounded in reality...until the last couple minutes. Pointlessly, we cut to the guy that wanted revenge as he pulls a real puzzle box out of his ass and summons Pinhead for realzies! Oh no! But then his ghost appears to Katheryn Winnick? Whaaaat? Oh, fuck this idiotic movie!

If you enjoy "Hellraiser" in any capacity, avoid this film like the plague. This entry has nothing to do with anything and fails monumentally. If you ever wondered what a "House on Haunted Hill" remake part 15 would look like, this is it. This movie is absolute garbage from start to finish with only ample amounts of T&A to save the day. If the cenobite realm were actually real, I imagine in one of the darkest recesses, this would be playing on loop for eternity for someone whose eyelids had been cut off. Fuck this movie and whoever greenlit it.

Notable Moment: When Chelsea roundhouse kicks Lance Henriksen out of nowhere. That was so randomly stupid I literally screamed aloud "WHAT?!" as a reflex.

Final Rating: 4/10