See No Evil 2 Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: After miraculously surviving the events of the last film, Kane continues his killing spree at the morgue.

Review: Well if there were a list of movies that definitely did not need sequels, I'd imagine this would be high up there. I've already mentioned that the only reason to track this down is if you're a fan of Danielle Harris...or I guess a fan of Kane too. With that said, this was surprisingly a lot better than the first movie. This doesn't mean this film is good unto itself, but, when compared to the first one, this is a masterpiece. Actually, if there were two plot elements removed altogether, I might have humored the notion of this being a kind of cool slasher.

Okay, so at the end of part one, Kane was thrown from a 10 story building, had a pipe jammed through his eye, fell through glass, had the pipe shoved further through his skull, and was shown to have his ribs broken and puncturing his heart. And after all of that, he's just alive and seemingly stronger than ever?! Huh. That's a good one. This asshole isn't Jason nor is it ever implied he's supernatural so what the fuck? I guess it was the magic dog piss that brought him back. So Kane is taken to the city morgue which is a giant building for whatever reason. It's kind of cool, but I don't think a building this big would store a couple bodies and only employ a few workers. Yeah, they say it's the graveyard shift, but when the story begins it's still the shift prior and no one is there. Well, this is where we meet Amy, played by Ms. Harris, and her loverboy Seth. Conveniently enough, it's Amy's birthday and her flunky friends decide to party at the morgue on the same night Kane's body arrives. Right.

The new characters can be annoying, but not Jar Jar levels as with the first movie. With that said, we kick things off with a chick wanting to bang near Kane's body because that's what she's into. Of course! This fucking, combined with that magic dog piss, appears to resurrect Kane stronger than he was before and gives him clairvoyant abilities. Yes, that's right, within seconds of coming back from the dead, Kane already knows the entire blueprints of the morgue better than the employees and seemingly always knows where someone is at. It's really quite remarkable--I've never seen this level of psychic abilities in a slasher before. I mean, no one runs outside for hours...Kane's outside. You hide inside a room...Kane's waiting inside. You're about to go to an exit...Kane was just there blocking it off two seconds ago. I've said it before, but there are contrivances and then there are fucking contrivances!

Eventually Kane has killed everyone except Amy and Seth as he pursues them all over the morgue. But it's kind of hard when he runs through walls, kicks through gates, rips off padlocks like nothing, and is all around terminator all of a sudden. Though, Kane has given up his eye fetish for whatever reason. Right when I'm officially getting tired of the psychic bullshit, the movie gives me a double whammy by making Kane's spider-sense tingle right when Amy is about to open a door and Kane stabs her through it. Argh. Yup, they killed off my dear Danielle in a stupid way! Seth gets beat up a bit before he stabs Kane with an embalming machine which seemingly defeats Kane's bitch ass; we know this won't be the case as Seth attempts to drive for help. When he gets out of his car to lift a gate open, Seth is killed by Kane who has added teleportation to his repertoire. Oh goodness gracious. The film ends thinking this shit is "Halloween" as we see shots around the morgue where Kane had been.

Eh...this film is essentially mediocre through and through but sweetened by the involvement of Danielle. Actually, it was good to see Danielle as a likable lead since she has had some shitty bit roles recently, but killing her off was not wise. Who knows, if they're smart they'll make her miraculously come back to life too if there's ever a third entry. Other than the Danielle aspect, the action and kills were respectable. The dynamic of running around the morgue was better executed than what they accomplished with the hotel setting. On the other hand, Kane is so fucking annoying as a killer with his cheating abilities all the while swearing he's nothing more than a meathead. If you hated part one, you may find this slightly more enjoyable, but it's still loaded with contrivances out the ass. I'd say check it out, but only if you had the faintest appreciation for the first film and/or love for Danielle and Kane.

Notable Moment: When Amy is annoyingly killed off. Are you deliberately trying to piss me off?! 'Cause it's working.

Final Rating: 5/10

See No Evil (2006) Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Little bitches attempt to clean up an old hotel as an equally dumb killer tries to pick them off.

Review: If you know how my reviews work you will probably already guess where we're heading with this. "See No Evil 2" just came out recently with my darling little Danielle Harris in it...so this is simply a stepping stone to that review! I really didn't want to watch this movie ever again because it's simply too stupid. I could forgive most of the cornball aspects to the plot, but the thing that drives me crazy is the abundance of annoying and cliched characters. Worst of all, this film dares to have the audacity to NOT kill off the most annoying bitch! That is some next level Jar Jar shit right there. Weesa gonna die! They even have a fake out death for this kid too. Come on now, son. The other serious deal-breaker is the absolute lameness of the killer I'm just going to call Kane. His motive is stupid and his durability is questionable to say the least.

As the film starts, Kane has already been hard at work killing random girls and ripping out their eyes for whatever reason. We are introduced to some cop who shoots Kane in the head but the cop's hand is cut off for no relevant reason except to get a gore effect in before the opening credits. We cut to 4 years later and now the cop works at a juvenile correctional facility or whatever. This is where we come across our cast of annoying bitches who I'd love to slice and dice myself. Yes, because audiences just love punk, teen criminals! I have no idea what's happening since they claim they will let these criminals work on a hotel project to reduce their sentences. Yeah...that's not going to happen and especially would not include girls and guys working together. Besides this, why is everyone still acting like a clueless asshole? They must have realized they were signing up for this, and you would think this deal would be offered to criminals that would be grateful, remorseful, or had been subjected to some kind of mitigating circumstances--not just random fuckers.

The hotel that they go to is admittedly kind of cool. In fact, the concept behind the hotel should have been dedicated to a better movie--what with the hidden rooms, bells for fucking, two way mirrors, and the perverse owner. The subtlety to the hotel is beyond the writing to the actual plot so it's a huge waste that it was merely a setting to by-the-book slasher tropes. Anyway, Kane has apparently taken up residence here and starts to kill the stupid teens as they are trying to engage in hijinks. The cop, Frank, who is established as the main and only likable character, is idiotically killed off in favor of focusing on the most annoying assholes like Michael. Yes, please, give me more of this kid...all movie...and never, ever kill him.

It shouldn't take long to grow tired of Kane ripping out everyone's eyes especially as the only hint of a motivation is something about his mom telling him to "see the sin" in flashbacks. Actually, Kane's motive is essentially a cookie cutter example of being turned into a killer...but I guess it was awfully convenient he would grow to be a damn hulk. With everyone dead but the biggest idiots, it is revealed that everything has been the "master plan" of Kane's mom. It would appear they wanted to lure Frank out to be killed as revenge for shooting Kane in the head and everyone else is collateral damage. How Kane magically survived this head shot, I don't know, and they show that he has maggots inside the wound so uhhhh. And how did the mom orchestrate this shit anyway? If she was some upstanding citizen, how did no one notice her antics with raising Kane? Whatever. So Kane decides he's had enough of mommy and kills her before Kane himself is finally dispatched pathetically. The film spends a lot of time showcasing the brutal death of Kane which is amusing that he'd be alive and well in the sequel.

Ugh, this was painful. It's one thing to make a mediocre slasher film, but it's another thing to make one with such insufferable characters who are not mercifully killed off. Kane is a meathead killer that offers nothing we haven't seen thousands of times at this point. The hotel was wasted and the mom was a pointless revelation that is less of a shock and more of a shrug. They killed off the best character in an attempt at originality, but it served to further frustrate me with a continual presentation of mindless decisions. The whole gimmick with ripping out the eyes is the only thing memorable and that gets old really fucking quick. I hate this film for being blatantly shallow and brainless in nearly every facet. If it weren't for the decent production values, moderate gore, and cool setting, I'd rate this a lot lower. I mean, come on, Kane didn't even chokeslam anyone or do the damn tombstone!

Notable Moment: When they moronically kill off Frank. I can respect a movie trying to throw the audience for a loop, but with this many annoying idiots you cannot carelessly get rid of the only likable character.

Final Rating: 4/10

Lovers Lane (2000) Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Thirteen years after a couple is murdered at a local lovers lane, the killer escapes from a mental institution to continue where he left off.

Review: While Valentine's Day may be over, I had wanted to cover this film but failed to get around to it. I think this is the last V-day themed horror movie out there, but I could be wrong in this regard. Anyway, this movie is lame as fuck. I remember sleeping over at my friend's house when his mom bought this trash for us to watch. The plot is nothing more than a noticeable fusion of  "Halloween," "I Know What You Did Last Summer," and "Scream." This makes sense when you consider the year it was made and how many films wanted to ripoff "Scream." However, unlike those three films, this movie is told in as an incompetent manner as possible. To give you an idea of how pathetic things are, this movie advertises on the DVD that it has Anna Faris in it. Uhh...I didn't think she was that big of a star worth mentioning but okay. Besides, does she really want people to see this bit role where she dies by having a hook shoved up her cootch?!

I don't know if it was my DVD or what, but the audio quality is absolute shit; it's as if every character is whispering half their lines. The VHS version sounded better. As for the story, it's a total mess and overly convoluted. Apparently the real killer is some psychiatrist who was in love with a cop's wife. Somehow this confession of love to the wife was screwed up by some guy--resulting in the psychiatrist killing the wife and the other dude. The psychiatrist then blames it on a known weirdo who had been hanging around the local lovers lane. This plan also relied on the weirdo not blabbing about the psychiatrist being the killer and something with the weirdo having a hook hand. Ehh...whatever. In the present, the psychiatrist realizes that the daughter of that wife he loved, who is the main character, is starting to look like her mom. This magically triggers a crazy killing spree to...uhhh...win her over...I guess. I don't fucking know! It's also conveniently Valentine's Day when this is all going down. Complicating the situation further is the psychiatrist's own daughter who helps her dad in the killings as his partner. Oh good grief. It would seem her motive is that she just likes killing or something, and she's mad her boyfriend dumped her. They even pull the killer pretending to get killed off trick! As if this scheme couldn't get any more ridiculous, the weirdo escapes at this same time or was allowed free by the psychiatrist--don't care which.

To sum it up: the psychiatrist loved a chick and killed her for no logical reason. Exactly 13 years later on V-day, his dumb daughter decides she wants to kill people because she was dumped. This is perfect timing as the psychiatrist has just noticed the main chick looks like her mother whom he loved. Either as a huge ass contrivance or unbelievable planning, the weirdo blamed for the original murders is freed which allows the psychiatrist and his daughter to hide their own murders--murders that make no sense considering the psychiatrist just wants to be with the main girl. None of this matters as the actual weirdo screws up their plan anyway, and the cops figure this shit out. The weirdo kills the psychiatrist's daughter and the main girl kills the psychiatrist. Then the weirdo drives off with the main girl and the annoying boyfriend who dumped the psychiatrist's daughter. Ughh. Did any of that make sense? I hope so...

If you saw the three movies I listed before, then you have fundamentally watched this film as well. There is nothing here worth seeking out in any shape or form. The music, acting, kills, etc. are simply bland and below average in most respects. This is scraping the bottom of the barrel when it comes to the many "Scream" ripoffs that came out around that time. Sure it has its few moments that are mildly entertaining, but those are few and far between. You'd be better off watching "Valentine" on loop for 24 hours than wasting your time on this one and that's saying something. If this film hadn't tried so hard to rip off better movies--and had focused on the urban legend aspect of the hook killer--this could have been a halfway decent slasher.

Notable Moment: At the beginning when that dumb cop is cracking jokes about a victim to the husband, a fellow cop. Really? Yeah, because that would happen. And this scene follows the already stupid moment of a couple running out of their own car to another car!

Final Rating: 4.5/10

Valentine's Day (2010) Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: The intertwined adventures of love and loss on a Valentine's Day in Los Angeles

Review: Well, it's Valentine's Day and what better way to celebrate than with a movie called...uhh..."Valentine's Day." I still remember being dragged to see this in the theaters. Ugh. What can I say? This movie has it all--and by all, I mean all that I hate. Seriously, why is the running time over 2 hours?! Few movies have made me clench the arms of my chair with such uncontrollable, homicidal rage as much as this one. It's like they wanted to perfectly capture everything wrong with society while presenting it as a good thing. You want subtlety to your romance? Sorry. You want substance, likable characters, non-glamorization of materialism, or any sensible representation of reality? Good luck with that. In fact, the subplots are so stupid and hollow I am left wondering if this wasn't unintended parody.

So what do you get with this movie? Pain in the ass kids, braindead teenagers, mindless corporate slaves, cheaters, all around shallow assholes, and Julia Roberts. I HATE Julia Roberts! Okay, that last part was a joke (not really). I can't believe they chose to set this movie in Los Angeles. That's ground zero for the highest concentration of fake fucks on the planet. Big shock, the men in this movie are--and I don't use this insult lightly--complete pussies. Ashton Kutcher's character is the absolute biggest bitch! Oh yeah, "If you're ever with a girl too good for you marry her?" I've got a more accurate one: if you're ever with a girl you think is too good for you, she'll walk all over your candy ass--which is exactly what happens. Jamie Foxx's character was almost a normal guy but then he falls for a complete mess (albeit, Jessica Biel's sweet, sweet ass) who admits she's neurotic and is having a breakdown over other people not sharing her misery? Uhhh...pass. Actually the biggest pussy is the old guy who finds out his wife of 50+ years cheated on him, and he forgives her; the old lady even says "you're going to forgive me." Fuck...it would be my bloody valentine at my house if I were that old man! The only guys that aren't complete idiots are the two gay guys which was a nice little twist.

The women fair better in the film. Yeah, I'm so fucking surprised. Oh yes, because guys always screw over such amazing women with their little quirks that make them just so adorable and lovable, right? Please. The only remotely "bad" female is the Jessica Alba character, and, even then, they try and paint her in a positive light when she dicks over her little bitch, Ashton Kutcher. Come on, you're not going to include even one spoiled brat princess? Did they keep forgetting this is Los Angeles? Gotta love that bias, baby. And before I hear whining about being bitter or whatever, I have nothing against love, romance, etc. But let's be real here, V-day is not about any of those things and we all know it. This film sorta gets it--in a fucked up kind of way--when they have a line about "love doesn't exist unless you acknowledge it in front of other people." This is spoken as if it's sound advice! Really? Love is meaningless unless I let my chickadee show off to her office pals? This isn't what real love is supposed to be, people, and I fear for a world that normalizes the behaviors of these characters as something to aspire toward. This is such a stark contrast to my opinion of "You've Got Mail." And as such, this movie was in desperate need of their own Rooftop Killer.

Okay, I'm going off the damn rails here. To the film's credit, I did like the intertwining aspect to the story. The characters' connections to one another were well coordinated with a few surprises. A few jokes were legitimately funny like when Jennifer Garner's character is staring off into space and her student says, "HELLO?!" There were a ton of celebrities here, so, if that's your thing, that should be a huge draw. Other than that, there's not a lot going in this film's favor as it's unbelievable in every regard. I obviously can't recommend this movie. I'm giving it a mediocre rating for technical reasons only, but the story alone I'd rank at 3/10. Finally, I will acknowledge the possibility others will find entertainment from this trash, but, alas, I cannot. There are far, far better options out there to watch this V-day. I mean, you could go see 50 shades and blow your brains out.

Notable Moment: That airport scene. Argh. Yeah, because the TSA is going to humor a guy on V-day and not arrest and/or shoot him.

Final Rating: 5/10

Bonus: V-day has gotten out of hand as far as pointless expectations go. And let's be real here, this is a blatantly narcissistic holiday no reasonable person should support. This is where I think Japan has an edge despite their own relationship issues. They have two "love" holidays: Valentine's Day and White Day. V-day comes first and it's only for women to give to guys. This means ladies have to make the first move and show actual initiative and face rejection (and these princesses are in dire need of humble pie). As repayment for the gifts on V-day, when White Day comes, the guys are supposed to reciprocate three fold. I think this offers a more balanced approach and alleviates a big chunk of the pressure. Yeaaahh, that's not going to happen in the West any time soon.

Bloody Murder 2: Closing Camp Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Five years after the last massacre, more idiotic counselors become prey for a masked killer.

Review: Sometimes I wonder how movies like this get the funding to be made. Is it a tax write-off or something? Well, this may be virtually impossible to believe, but this movie was surprisingly better than part one. The story, kills, and mystery of the killer's identity have been improved while simultaneously throwing in nudity and better looking chicks. If it didn't look like complete shit with shoddy production value, and of course didn't spend every other second ripping off "Friday the 13th," this might have been a halfway decent slasher. Though, I should point out they weren't having as much fun with the material as part one was. Also, that deus ex machina ending sure wasn't helping whatever momentum the story had built up.

It's been 5 years since the first killing spree, and, apparently, the parents don't give a shit about sending their kids to a camp where all the counselors were murdered on 2 separate occasions. This time around, we focus on the sister of Jason from part one; yeah, they can't let that character go away. I simply refer to the main girl as "Nips" since this chickadee has noticeably hard nipples in every scene! And Nips can be really annoying--even her douche boyfriend humorously points this out a few times. So Nips and the fodder flunkies are closing up camp for the end of summer when a new killer emerges for no discernible reason. Once more, beloved Trevor Moorehouse is not the real killer despite ending the first film with the implication that it was him. I should also mention they dropped the use of the hockey mask--probably afraid to get sued this time around. Seemingly out of ideas, they recreate a few dumb moments from the first film like scaring someone while playing "bloody murder." Yeah, because it was such a standout scene the first time around. On the other hand, the killer does toy with the fodder more and that was a nice addition. Although it wasn't a huge improvement, they at least realized this is a slasher and attempted to add gore effects compared to the ketchup from the last film.

They try to make the head counselor (or whatever the hell that godforsaken position is supposed to be) appear to be the killer, but it's obviously not going to be him again. Though, that would have made for the ultimate fake out. Another red herring is the dumb boyfriend, yet again, who is the primary suspect except this time they have footage of him dressing up as the killer; I loved how the cops leave this evidence with the counselors. I thought the killer would be the best looking girl since she's all quiet and appears suspicious, but then she gets knocked out toward the end; not sure why the killer spared her but okay. As it would turn out, the killer is the sheriff this time around. I did wonder why they replaced the original actor, and that's because he is supposed to be a new character. And his motive is right out of "Friday the 13th" as we learn he's supposed to be Trevor Moorehouse's father. He was also apparently the person dressed up as Trevor at the end of part one that killed Jason. However, this movie wants us to believe that a former camp owner can move away, change his looks and identity, become a cop at his age, kill off the existing sheriff, get hired as the new sheriff, and no one has a clue. That's a good one. And this is all a scheme to kill random counselors at this one particular camp. Yeah, okay, dude. So the sheriff is about to kill Nips and the best looking chick when Trevor Moorehouse appears out of thin air to save the day. Psh...what?! Trevor decapitates the sheriff (a la Pamela Voorhees) and drags his body away. Uh...thanks? The movie then ends with the two surviving girls getting help the next day after miraculously not freezing to death...in a forest...all night...in wintery conditions...with skimpy clothes on. Sure, why not?

Overall, this wasn't that bad. As with the first movie, it's sort of a guilty pleasure since these are not, by any definition, good films. But, as far as shameless Jason ripoffs go, they are mildly entertaining and cornball as fuck. Are they for everyone? Certainly not. But if you are bored of watching "Friday the 13th" every damn Friday the 13th, you could dabble with these two films as an alternative. Watch them as a double feature if you will, keeping your expectations extremely low, and you may find yourself oddly amused.

Notable Moment: That idiotic ending of course. All out of ideas? Don't worry, deus ex machina to the rescue.

Final Rating: 5/10

Bloody Murder (2000) Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Idiots go to work at a camp where a legendary killer is said to lurk.

Review: What do we have here--a Friday the 13th and Valentine's Day back to back? Since I've covered the "Friday the 13th" franchise already, the best way to honor this little holiday is with the most shameless of all the Jason ripoffs: "Bloody Murder." My goodness, look at that poster! Still not sure how they got away with the blatancy of it all, but I suppose they hid behind the parody approach.  Yes, the makers were well aware of the asinine nature to this film. That doesn't mean this shit is any less moronic...I'm simply acknowledging they knew exactly what they were doing and tried to make the most of it. I'd say they just narrowly cashed in on the last breath of the rental store era--right when DVDs had officially killed VHS in the public's eye. I distinctly remember renting this trash for a laugh at one point. But I do want to note that now you can pick up this film, its sequel, and 6 other movies all for cheap; it's apart of an 8 film bundle, and I'll get to the other abominations at one point. Finally, I realize next month has a Friday the 13th as well, and I'll have something special for that!

The moment this begins, and you see that ugly '90s look to everything, you know disaster lies ahead. Even the characters have this repulsive '90s look to them (except one); makes me want to become the killer. Matching their hideous looks, the characters are all really annoying, and I can't keep track of all their bullshit drama. Like...when someone gets killed, I'm typically wondering who the hell they even are. There's a part at the end when one girl is acting like she's good friends with the main chick, and I'm like, "Who the fuck are you?!" One character you will remember, however, is a little bitch they named Jason. Yeah, Jason! They try to reference "Friday the 13th," but they're clearly too scared to do so; I'll give them a little credit in this regard. And at least there was a Crazy Ralph wannabe. Another idiotic aspect to the fodder characters are how their notes and shit are read aloud to the audience; it's like listening to kindergarteners reading with their heads stuck in a fishbowl. When the kills finally come, they aren't even satisfying...with quite a few happening off screen and with ketchup blood. Pitiful.

As for the film's killer, Trevor Moorehouse, get used to hearing that mother fucker's name every 2 minutes. It's as if they realized they needed to keep beating it into the audience's head in the pathetic hope it would become as notorious as Jason Voorhees. The worst part is that Trevor isn't even the killer--he's just some boogeyman legend around the camp. The real killer is the head counselor or whatever. Surprisingly, the story is overly complicated with drama about a kid who went crazy after playing a game they call "bloody murder" (we called it jail break when I was a kid). I'll admit, I was hardly paying attention as to why the kid went crazy, but he later killed a counselor before being institutionalized. When the guy was released years later, he somehow impersonated the head counselor and arranged for the children of the people who messed with him to become counselors so he could pick them off. That's a bit convoluted of a plan but okay. Actually, no, it's not okay. The stupid town sheriff should have known this fucker wasn't the real head counselor and the two act like they've known each other for a long time. Well, whatever. Once everything gets wrapped up like a "Scooby Doo" episode, the sheriff mentions another dumb character I had no clue about. The killer claims he didn't kill that particular idiot as we segue into the final zinger. As little bitch Jason walks home, he runs into the real Trevor Moorehouse. Psh...that's a good one.

Believe it or not, I kind of like this movie. It's so excruciatingly stupid that it starts to cross into so-bad-it's-good territory. I mean, come on, there is a moment where one of the red herring characters is pretty much dictating what the sheriff should do next! And the sheriff releases the primary suspect on the whim of the main girl! You can't make that kind of shit up. To see the sheer amount of shenanigans and zany antics ensuing are surely worth one viewing. Also, the film's attempts at parodying Jason and the "Friday the 13th" franchise are mildly amusing. Simply keep in mind what kind of mess you're getting yourself into and you may find yourself watching comedy gold. Of course, if you're looking for a serious "Friday the 13th" alternative, you may find yourself raging 10 minutes in.

Notable Moment: When Julie's dad is knocked out by a little love tap--hilarious editing though.

Final Rating: 4.5/10

Prayer Beads Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: An anthology TV show featuring bizarre tales you know could only come from Japan.

Review: I don't know a lot about this series beyond that it was a short-lived TV show consisting of only 9, thirty minute episodes. Not sure why it was cancelled, if it was cancelled, or what was the overall game plan for the series. But it's a shame, because there was certainly the potential to explore more tales beyond 9 measly episodes. In theory, there are 108 prayer beads in Buddhist tradition so they could have kept this series going up to that point. The other aspect to consider is that the show is meant to present tales of karmic justice combined with the notion that there are sins associated with each bead. Eh...I don't know how successful they were with those concepts, but the tales have a uniquely Japanese flavor to them that's for sure. Okay, let's take a look at what we're working with here, shall we?

Prayer Beads: Well, what better way to kick off the series than with an episode also named after the series itself; though, I'm not sure how the title fits into anything. In this tale we have a depressed woman whose husband appears to have run out on her. The woman's pregnant friend tries to pull her out of this depression, but the woman is reminded of her miscarriages each time she sees the pregnant friend. Well, as you may guess, much of this is a smokescreen. In reality, the friend was cheating on her own husband with the main girl's husband; in fact, the baby is from this affair. The main girl discovered this truth, killed her husband, and intends to get revenge against her friend with the apparent help of her ghostly miscarriage kids. This also leads to the unborn baby dying it would seem. Deciding to end things in the most nonsensical way possible, the friend's husband gets a strange call and sees Kayako or something--I don't know. Believe it or not, this wasn't too bad of an episode with all things considered. If the ending weren't so dumb, this would have set the tone well for the series since it goes over that whole karma angle they were striving to showcase.

Vending Machine Woman: This is probably the best episode of the bunch to me. It's not that it's a naturally great episode or anything, but it's one of the most unusual stories I could possibly imagine. Like...this is up there with the "Hagane" segment from "Unholy Women" in weirdness. Anyway, a young couple is staying at a cabin in the woods for whatever reason. The girl is pretty cute, but her character is a raging bitch--she ain't worth it, son! After discovering that the water isn't working, and growing thirsty with no supplies (yeah, who does that), the bitch makes her loverboy go out to get something. Warned not to go out at night, loverboy stumbles across a strange vending machine that appears to work like normal. I must say, the atmosphere during this early part of the episode is fantastic; too bad it was not maintained. Bringing the mysterious beverage back, loverboy and the bitch drink up only to find themselves uncontrollably horny. The next day, a repairman comes to fix the water and they somehow get food from him off screen. When eating meat, the two are once more overwhelmed with horniness (why is this not a real word?) as well as the desire to eat the meat raw. Going apeshit for more of that mystery drink, the couple goes to the vending machine only to realize there was only one left before becoming sold out. Then a zombie-like guy comes out of the vending machine as we learn the vending machine is seemingly a living creature. It pulls the bitch in as she is the next to be attached to the vending machine. Apparently you are drained of your blood and it is turned into the drink somehow. Yeah, 'cause that makes perfect sense. Before completely closing up on the bitch, and loverboy running away, we see the head of a woman emerging beneath the vending machine. Dude, I have no idea what's happening. I just know...I've seen things you people would not believe...and a killer vending machine ranks pretty high up there.

It's Me: Iiizzzz me! Taking things in a completely different direction than the last two, this episode tries to go for a more touching tone. Two criminals have concocted a scheme to swindle money from old people by pretending to be their grandson in danger. The story is presented out of chronological order so as not to spoil the twist. Eventually the one criminal visits an old lady to get her money, but he becomes too entranced by her hospitality to ever get to the point. At the same time, the guy thinks he sees a Kayako-clone lurking about. After spending all day and night with the old lady, the guy thinks he sees two Kayako-clones and runs away like a little bitch. We come to realize that the criminal really was this particular grandma's grandson and that he's a ghost. The Kayako-clones were the criminal's mom and sister which he couldn't perceive for whatever reason; he doesn't know he's a ghost so I guess he's tripping out. As for the episode's time issues, it's so as not to reveal that the criminals were killed years ago by a crime lord annoyed that they came into his territory. Surprisingly, this is a sentimental tale with a cool twist.

Real: This was the first of the shitty episodes, but it did possess potential to be good. There is something about a surgeon having an accident or whatever, but I could hardly tell what was happening. In essence, the story is presented like a bad LSD trip. The surgeon is trying to cure his problem by seeking assistance from an herbalist...I think. The medicine actually shows you reality whereby aliens or demons or whatever are everywhere. The surgeon's friend kills himself and then the surgeon goes off the rails. He even attempts to kill his milfy wife, named Rika. Huh...Rika, you say? I don't know about that. There's something else about humans having regular blood and the aliens or whatever with green blood. The surgeon goes back to the herbalist guy who blows his own brains out followed by the surgeon screaming like a whiny bitch as he bleeds green blood. Yeah...okaaaay. If they had focused more on this pulling back the curtain concept, rather than the mindless bullshit, this could have been interesting. Instead, we get shenanigans through and through.

Mushroom Hunting: Hmm...I think I will have to declare this episode to be the worst with all things considered. I mean, it's just so stupid if you think about it. Three kids become "friends" through a chatroom and meet up for the first time when going on a trip to hunt mushrooms. Uh, really? See ya, mom, I'm going 'shroom hunting with two assholes I just met on the internet. "Have fun, hunny!" Well, anyway, the three kids climb a mountain and meet an old man who--what else--warns them not to do what they're about to do. It would seem there is an idiotic legend about a guy who found a witch in the forest. Yeah, yeah, okay. The kids, of course, stumble upon this witch who feeds them mushroom soup or something--sounds gross enough. The dorky friend is immune to the poison the witch fed them, and she chases him around a bit after cutting off his feet. It would appear the witch's brilliant scheme is to turn people into mushroom mulch with the help of her granddaughter, who was the friend that organized the trip. Then the witch sells the mushrooms to stores--don't worry about where the packaging comes from or how she gets the shit to stores in general. Ugh.

Eddie: They really should have reconsidered the order in which they aired these episodes. Three terrible episodes in a row was not the best direction. In one corner we have the tale of a multiplying seal-looking creature that has caught the attention of local news outlets. In the other corner we have a bratty kid and his angry grandfather dealing with the fact that everyone thinks the kid is a weirdo. The two stories cross paths as the creatures try to eat everyone just as the grandfather realizes the kid has psychic powers. After killing a bunch of morons, the kid uses his powers to destroy the creatures, but he is killed as a result. The episode ends with predictable twist that there are more eggs of the creatures. If they dropped the shit with the kid, and focused on the creatures in a b-movie fashion, this may have been salvageable.

Echoes: Clearly not learning their lesson with the last episode, we get another story about psychic powers. Although this is more bland than bad, it does fit the theme of the show better than a lot of the other episodes. Some dude picks up chicks to harvest organs from, but he made the mistake of getting with a girl whose family are powerful psychics. Finding a lone hand, the grandparents of the girl use this connection to track down an associate of the killer. After ripping off the associate's arm, the grandparents make him blab as to what is going on. The girl's twin sister decides to fuck the killer in order to gain his trust. Interesting approach to say the least, but how did this killer not realize he was getting played? Yeah, because the twin sister of someone you kill will just gladly fall into your lap. For whatever ridiculous reason, the twin sister strands the killer in the middle of the city where the grandparents make him telekinetically explode. The episode ends with the twin and grandpa just walking along. Yeah, okay. The main problem for me is that the characters don't really fit the story. Powerful psychics would have made for a better adventure than an average revenge tale.

Cat's Paw: Putting things back on track, we have a tale that mixes "The Monkey's Paw" with cutesy anime tropes. After being bullied, abused by his parents, and having a generally shitty life, a boy gets a weird email claiming to grant 3 wishes. When the boy clicks the link he is magically pulled into an anime world where a cat creature helps the boy out in cornball ways. However, in reality, the people that the boy hates are brutally killed. This leads to the boy inadvertently killing the entire town all the while this little cat creature is making things appear fun. When the boy finally wishes for everything to be undone, the anime version is all happy and sentimental. In the real world, all the dead people come back as zombies. This was easily the second best episode, if not the best, as it successfully presented an updated telling of a classic story. Always remember, be careful what you wish for.

Apartment: For the finale we get the pleasant surprise of a great episode. I do wish this weren't the end, but, as it is, this was a satisfying conclusion that pulls everything together. Although you can easily sense something is off, we are shown a family at the mercy of an abusive husband/father. Everyone is on edge and in fear of what the man will do next, and he was certainly a huge asshole. With the abuse spiraling out of control, the family attempts to kill the man before he is suddenly shot in the head. In actuality, the man was a crazed psycho who had kidnapped and killed many people all the while crazily pretending they were his family. Japan's equivalent to SWAT showed up and sniped the guy when they had the opportunity. Shortly after this, we see a collage of characters from the previous episodes all bearing witness to the chaotic scene. Now this is how you properly pull off the fun aspect to an anthology show! But instead of ending it when they should have, we see cops in a helicopter hallucinating or some shit as they crash into the apartment building. However, they throw in a quick save and cut to the crazy man coming back to life in an ambulance.

It really was unfortunate this show didn't last or was only given a few episodes. However, on one hand, I can understand why this show was unable to become a success. While the episodes are mostly fun, none are particularly great and a few are blatantly stupid. With time, perhaps the true vision of the show could have been realized but oh well. This show may be difficult to track down, so I'd advise caution before paying too much as it's probably not worth it. I'd also recommend breaking up the viewing into 3 sets of 3 episodes to give it that cinematic experience. Overall, a decent little excursion into Japanese television.

Notable Moment: During the "Apartment" episode when we see a lot of the stories come full circle.

Final Rating: 6/10

You've Got Mail Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Through much shenanigans, two people fall in love after corresponding back and forth through email.

Review: Well, it's the month of love as Valentine's Day approaches. Although I loathe the concept of a mindless, materialistic holiday such as V-day, I have vowed to review a romance movie each year. Who knows...maybe I'll even cover two! I also mentioned in the past that I thoroughly enjoy this movie probably more than I should. Ehh...it's a guilty pleasure, but you gotta love that nostalgia, baby. Come on, those early days when the internet was hitting every household and AOL dominated the market; hell, this is a glorified advertisement. But beyond the shameless product placements, there's a moving story about trying to find that one person in the world you connect with on a deeper level. On top of that, this film showcases that curiosity many of us felt with the introduction of chatrooms, instant messenger, and email in general. It may be hard to imagine for the youngest and oldest generations, but it was as if we were all a bunch of kids coming outside to play for the first time. We were hesitant but oh so intrigued by the friends, or lovers, we could meet. Now the internet has become a wretched hive of scum and villainy--overwhelmed with trolls, shills, attention-seeking crybabies, tools wanting to be e-celebs, and skanks posting selfies. Just blow this world up already.

Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh right, "You've Got Mail!" So apparently this is a semi-remake of a play that has been turned into a movie more than once; minus the email aspect of course. This was heavily pitched back in the day as the long awaited reunion between Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan who play the main characters, Joe and Kathleen, respectively. I think the story could have easily worked without them, but they turn in commendable performances--better than "Sleepless in Seattle" to me. With that said, I'm sorry, but Meg Ryan never plays a character I can envision myself romancing as I watch along. Maybe it's that pouty face or that her last name is Ryan, but she's not working for me. If anything, her involvement, and my enjoyment nonetheless, should be a testament to the story.

Speaking of the story, it's made overly complicated with many subplots, but I think these aspects enhance the sense of realism; in other words, the main characters have many people in their lives and they have problems too. Ignoring the details, the primary story is fun especially if you can relate to the era. Even if you can't, the notion of falling in love through a correspondence is a timeless idea. The times when Joe and Kathleen are emailing each other are classic. Of course there needs to be drama--so when the two meet in person for the first time, not knowing one another's internet identity, they become enemies. As it would turn out, Joe owns a big chain of bookstores while Kathleen owns a small, localized bookstore. Although there are numerous instances of shenanigans, Joe eventually puts Kathleen out of business which furthers the animosity between the two while bringing the email relationship between them closer. Ironically, the internet is what has killed bookstores in real life! Joe discovers that Kathleen is the girl he has been falling in love with through email and decides to try and woo her in reality. I think this is when the movie really picks up, unfortunately, this is when there's only a half hour or so left. Joe and Kathleen become close, but Kathleen is still in love with the idea of her mystery internet man. Since this is a movie, of course Kathleen is dying when she realizes that her internet loverboy and Joe are one and the same. The film ends with the two kissing as we can assume they live happily ever after. I do want to note that when Joe is wishing he and Kathleen had met under different circumstances, right before she goes to meet internet man, this was a powerful scene. Especially when Joe touches Kathleen's shoulder and she's all hot and bothered--practically orgasms!

I don't know how to describe why I love this film so much. It simply resonates with me. That longing to be together usually gets to me, as I've mentioned before, and I almost didn't want them to be together just so that sensation would be heightened. But I am still pleased with the sappy, predictable, Hollywood ending. There are instances of shallowness where they discuss the hope that the person they're talking to would be attractive, but both characters acknowledge that the looks wouldn't matter much. It's great that the two love the other's personality, connect to one another, and that their relationship is based upon meaningful (to them) conversation; I feel a lot of relationships nowaday fail because the couples have no real connection (plus, that narcissism is a bitch). Of course I would hope to have some endless, across time and space, through heaven or hell kind of love, so it's enjoyable to behold what is intended to be that kind of a romance. Whether or not that was successfully achieved in this film is up to the viewer, but I feel as though they accomplished their goal.

Okay, this review has been mostly incoherent, so I would like to throw out a few observations. The main detriment to this story was the idea that Joe and Kathleen were sort of cheating. I'm okay with the film giving the two preexisting love interests but those should have been dropped significantly earlier into the story. I get that they were meant to be portrayed as shallow relationships on their last leg, but, still, it would have made the characters more innocent. Why was Dave Chappelle wasted here? I mean, come on, make use of Dave! And why was Joe, this rich dude, walking around, shopping, and hanging out like a regular person? Give me a break; he'd have a minion doing his bidding. I have been dying of laughter reading various comments regarding the "Rooftop Killer." My goodness, I guess they dropped the ball on that little subplot. My favorite was that Birdie was the killer! Another interesting theory I read was that perhaps Joe's grandfather was actually Kathleen's father...or her father was the Rooftop Killer! Finally, let's face it, this movie needed a cybering scene. Yeah, yeah, they discuss the topic, but let's be real...there should have been a moment where Joe and Kathleen acknowledged it.

Okay, I've been all over the place here, but this is a great movie. Is it corny, sappy, and a cliche-ridden romance flick? Of course, but that doesn't mean you can't be pleasantly entertained to watch the love story unfold. The comedy isn't as abundant as you may think, but that's not necessarily a bad thing as I prefer more emphasis on the romance anyway. If you experienced the "you've got mail" phenomenon of the late '90s, you will be that much more engrossed in the story. True enough, parts of the story needed polish and the best parts of the romance are a tad rushed, but this is one of only a handful of romance films that engages me. This V-day, I definitely recommend this as an agreeable viewing for all the wives, girlfriends, spouses, lovers, mistresses, favorite prostitutes, Rooftop Killers, etc. out there. Enjoy!

Notable Moment: When they interview Joe for the news and edit what he said. Besides being hilarious, it's a spot on representation of media manipulation. Seriously, mainstream news can rot in hell.

Final Rating: 7.5/10

Iria: Zeiram the Animation Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: As a young bounty hunter, Iria battles the seemingly immortal Zeiram for the first time.

Review: I remember back in the mid-90s when anime was starting to gain a following, and the Sci-fi channel aired this as one of their films. I've mentioned this a few times before about how fun it was to stay up all night waiting to see what anime they would air on Saturdays (technically Sunday, but come on) at like 1 or 2 A.M. While I, of course, enjoyed Iria, it was definitely disappointing when they would rerun it. Not because I grew tired of it, but because Sci-fi would break it up into a two week event! My friends and I wanted to see new anime, but the moment you saw Iria you knew to forget all about next week as well. So, yes, this is a long movie. Essentially, it's a miniseries containing 6 episodes that were 30 minutes a piece without commercials; that meant only 3 episodes spread out over 2 hours with godforsaken commercials and, worse, infomercials accompanying the presentation. However, having the film broken up into small segments makes watching the film as a whole easier for those with limited time.

As for how the anime holds up compared to the live action films...it's significantly better. This is the proper realization of the lore and action I think the live action films desired. There are huge set pieces, big battles, super weapons, we see other aliens' worlds, etc. There is also a unique style in which everything appears as a technological version of Feudal Japan mixed with an organic spin; it's kind of hard to explain. I feel the live action versions do Iria justice, but she is cooler and tougher in the anime. Likewise, Zeiram is more powerful and deadlier than ever. Using the anime medium helped make his movements become fluid and less hindered by the various costumes and effects needed to bring him to life in reality. The story itself is more thought out as Iria is the apprentice to her brother as she is working her way up to become a bounty hunter. After running into a shady corporation experimenting on Zeiram, the brother is seemingly killed and Iria wants revenge. Between coming to terms with the brother's death and finally becoming a true bounty hunter, we see Iria battle Zeiram until she finally puts the beast down. The whole process plays out nicely between each episode with a ton of action to keep the pacing on point.

Unfortunately, there are three main aspects that hold the anime back: the most annoying Jar Jar character in the franchise, continuity errors, and yet another lackluster defeat for Zeiram. First off, the new Jar Jar puts the others to shame. It is some stupid brat that is annoying as fuck and Iria brings the kid along for the lulz. They also include a moronic twist in which you realize the kid is not a boy but actually a girl. Riiiight. Wait, did "Pitch Black" steal that?! I just can't understand why they thought including a Jar Jar would be a good idea? As for the continuity errors, they are pretty damn huge. If this anime was meant to stand on its own, then everything is fine, but if it's meant to be a prequel it failed miserably. In the first film Iria didn't know who Zeiram was, yet she obviously fought the son of a bitch here. This unleashes an entire slew of continuity issues from there. We still never learn why Zeiram would go to Earth or how he survived this film's ending. On top of that, in this universe, everyone appears to know of Zeiram. Although Zeiram is a lot stronger in the anime, he comes off as more of a nuisance to the universe than a legitimate threat. In fact, it is implied that the universe has become accustomed to Zeiram being a pain in the ass and they have protocols for dealing with him; everyone simply says don't mess with him and to teleport him off into space should he show up. Since no one can figure out how to kill him they just remove him from the equation. You have to draw the conclusion that the only reason why Zeiram is even a threat in this particular circumstance is due to the experiments the corporation was doing to him. We can assume it made him more intelligent to the degree that he can become a global threat with his clone army...yes, a clone army. Alternatively, there is evidence that absorbing Iria's brother made Zeiram smarter, but I'm sticking with the experiments. Anyway, this all boils down to that pitiful defeat of Zeiram that might be worse than the two live action films. All that happens is Zeiram gets the little face cut in half, since it's the weak point, and then he's left in a desert that apparently lights on fire or something. Okay, so a knife is the final thing to put him down? Dude, you do realize that in the beginning of the anime he got nuked (among many other devastating hits)? Knife or nuke? Hmm...

Overall, this is a fun anime that complements the live action films but serves better as a standalone feature. Everything from the characters to the action has been enhanced and taken to a whole new level in comparison to the live action counterparts. You get more emphasis on the Iria vs. Zeiram struggle as well as more information about Iria's life. On the other hand, the film is not without its faults as Zeiram goes down easier than ever. Exacerbating the situation is a Jar Jar character that will not shut up or die! If you can overlook the minor gripes, this is a wonderful display of what '90s anime was all about. The animation is beautiful and you do not feel the running time with the segment breaks. If you could only check out this or the live action films I'd recommend choosing this option.

Notable Moment: It may be redundant, but the opening sequence to each episode is really amazing. The song is nice and the imagery is great; it definitely sets the tone for the series right from the get go.

Final Rating: 7/10

Zeiram 2 Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Zeiram has been resurrected as a robotic assistant to Iria when he breaks free of his control.

Review: So the first film made a ton of mistakes that held it back--did this sequel learn from them? Well, yes and no. The action has been improved considerably with more emphasis on Iria being a genuine badass. I mean, come on, giving Iria a sword, as cliched as it may be, is a must in Japanese action! Speaking of Iria, still played by Yuko Moriyama, she looks better and more alien; I don't know if it's the silver/blue streaks in the hair, or more/less polish to her makeup, but it worked. I also liked that we got to see how feared she is by other aliens as an entire horde of flunkies back away in terror. And, as such, it was wise to showcase more aliens as a means of expanding and developing this fictional universe more thoroughly. I certainly appreciate the attempts to make this movie a bigger and better experience than its predecessor.

On the other hand, they chose to bring back the same dumbasses from part one. They aren't quite as Jar Jar-esque as before, but, still, they do a lot of screaming and nearly dying. To make matters worse, they included a third Jar Jar--a little bitch who keeps trying to betray Iria; though he is removed from the story at one point, it wasn't through death and that's simply unacceptable. As for Zeiram, I did like some of the new ideas for his forms, but he appeared weaker to me. I don't know...he got beat a lot easier this time around despite allegedly being more powerful and durable. For example: at one point this bitch is put out of commission for hours after being impaled by Iria's sword. If Iria weren't so distracted by all the Jar Jars running about, Zeiram would have been toasty toast fairly early on. The final defeat of Zeiram is almost as equally anticlimactic as part one as well. Finally, the story felt a bit shaky at points and too similar to the first one. We never learn why someone would resurrect Zeiram and send him to Iria, but he malfunctions right away and they end up in another pocket dimension. Essentially, the stakes are the same as the first one except Zeiram isn't quite as intimidating and Iria does most of the fighting rather than the Jar Jars.

Overall, this was a better film than the first one but the margin of difference is narrow. You have the focus put on Iria--where it belongs--and we see her capabilities in their full glory. The new additions to both Iria and Zeiram's arsenals were cool and provided interesting setups; the notion of fighting in the giant statue/temple was fun. They did try and downplay the Jar Jars, but they could have been left out entirely especially if you add a third little bitch to the mix. But, if I had to pick the one gripe that truly stopped this from significantly surpassing the first film, it would be the ease to which Zeiram is defeated. He felt relentlessly immortal in the first one, but he's nowhere near as unstoppable this time around despite boasting all of these upgrades. These are cool little films if you get a chance to check them out, but we will have to see if the anime can surpass them both!

Notable Moment: When Iria does that badass, midair reload. Predictable...but oh so satisfying.

Final Rating: 6/10

Zeiram Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A bounty hunter attempts to capture an alien before he can wreak havoc on Earth.

Review: Some may be familiar with the anime, "Iria: Zeiram the Animation," which serves as a prequel to this film and the sequel, "Zeiram 2." Well, these are live action films that are kind of a cross between "The Terminator," "The Thing," and "Power Rangers." That probably sounds like an unusual mixture, and it certainly is, but it works well enough. The only downside to this film, however, is the lack of action. I was expecting things to be relentless or at least have an interesting story to help move you along through the slower parts but nope. More to the point, the film hypes up the main character, Iria, as if she is going to have a crazy battle against this hulking, mutating, seemingly immortal alien, Zeiram. In actuality, she fights Zeiram once early into the film and then two Jar Jar-esque humans get stuck doing the rest until Iria shows up again at the end. Oh come on!

We don't get a lot of back story as to what the hell is going on; the anime serves to fill in these gaps. All we know is that Zeiram is an alien bio-weapon that is extremely powerful and hard to kill. They don't even explain why he comes to Earth either. Iria is also an alien, but it's convenient that she looks Japanese, learned the language, and has been hanging out in an area close to Zeiram's trajectory. Iria is a bounty hunter working with her AI helper, Bob (though, he's not really an AI). I will note Iria looks pretty cool, and I like her gadgets she uses to fight Zeiram--I just wish they spent more time focusing on that. Anyway, Iria and Bob want to capture Zeiram for the money, obviously, but Bob is worried because Zeiram's power level is OVER 9000! Sorry, that joke is getting old, I know. Actually, his power level is over 87...whatever that is supposed to mean. Speaking of which, Zeiram himself (or herself) is an interesting concept and looks impressive. Each time Zeiram takes substantial damage he mutates with each form feeling distinct and menacing. The special effects were a surprising highpoint, and I think they still hold up well enough.

Iria and Bob have set up a pocket dimension for Zeiram to slip into, when he arrives on Earth, so he cannot kill any humans. It also provides plenty of room and a controlled environment for Iria to fight Zeiram. Unfortunately, the story quickly becomes hindered by the introduction of two goofball electricians who screw everything up. When Iria prepares to enter the dimension, those two idiots get pulled in with her. It's not a big deal at first since Iria has a respectably cool fight against Zeiram in which she triumphs; she puts Zeiram in a kind of stasis for transport. When Iria goes to teleport out of the dimension, a pain in the ass Zeiram clone goes with her and breaks the machine; the Zeiram clones are stupid bitches he can create when he eats people. With Iria stuck on Earth, the two idiots must fight another Zeiram clone alone. Though they do kill the clone, they idiotically shoot the stasis control on the real Zeiram--freeing him once more. This scene is followed by a huge chunk of the film dedicated to these two fools running around screaming with Zeiram always in hot pursuit. Who thought this would be a good idea? After much annoyance, Iria manages to get back into the dimension and save their candy asses. Iria blows Zeiram up, and he turns into a skeleton-like monster that they think a rare weapon will eliminate. Iria shoots Zeiram with this gun and the main chunk of Zeiram's head still is alive, but Iria puts it in stasis.

Trying to learn from the mistake of earlier, Iria lets the two idiots teleport back to Earth first where Zeiram breaks free and breaks the machine once again. Oh good lord. Now Iria is trapped in the dimension and those morons are stuck fighting Zeiram on Earth; Zeiram also takes on a new monster form. With the dimension they created collapsing, one of the dumb electricians conveniently uses his skills to fix the machine and bring Iria back. The film ends with Iria anticlimactically shooting Zeiram to death, and then having her picture taken with those imbeciles as if they somehow helped.

If you took away the Jar Jar antics, the lackluster defeat for Zeiram, and filled in a few details, this would have been significantly better. The action scenes that are here were decent, and the special effects were commendable for the time. Iria is a badass character in theory, but her execution was lacking and undermined when they focus on the Jar Jars instead. Zeiram was an awesome creation and one that needed more exploration in this film rather than through sequels. Overall, this is a film that could have been cheesy awesomeness, but, instead, turns out mediocre due to poor decisions in how to present the story.

Notable Moment: When Zeiram transforms into the skeleton form. While obviously inspired by the terminator, I liked the concept and the stop motion wasn't bad for that time.

Final Rating: 5.5/10