Star Wars: The Last Jedi Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Disney proudly presents: the worst Star Wars movie...(so far...)

Review: Wow, I cannot believe the sheer volume of these paid, shill reviews. Wait, of course I can believe it--people are fucking sellouts! "Better than Empire!" the lying sacks of shit say. Better than Empire?! What the reviews should really be saying is that "The Last Jedi" makes "Attack of the Clones" look like Empire! Hell, if I factor in absolute disgust, and the disgraceful presentation of the material, I'd go as far as to say this makes the holiday special look like Empire in comparison. My lord...these fake reviews are killing me. If it weren't Star Wars being ruined, I'd be laughing at how stupid everything is, however, the original trilogy shaped my very perspective on film and writing. I hate to see the franchise milked this hard and in such a putrid way--the Disney way.

First off, this sure as hell isn't an episode VIII; just as "The Force Awakens" wasn't episode VII. These are just glorified remakes except infinitely more moronic and (overly) using modern humor. After all, isn't it sooooo much better to pander to the audience of the moment rather than making a timeless tale?! It works in the shittier Marvel movies--why not use it here, right? So the film starts off with an extremely dated joke followed by some character dying as if we are supposed to give a shit; the only reason I was a tiny bit sad was because she was a cute Asian girl. I guess this scene was supposed to serve as character development for Leia and Poe? It's okay though, because Finn wakes up and izzzz funny! Hooray!

What's that, you want more jokes? Okay, Rey meets Luke and izzzz more funny times! ARGH! The ruination of Luke in this film is the number one biggest problem. His personality has been completely distorted, his motives are ridiculous, and he fundamentally does nothing all movie only to die at the end because...well, we have to get rid of the old cast to hype up the new idiots. He doesn't even fight Kylo Ren, and they completely imply that Rey and Kylo are both stronger in the force!!! No wonder Mark Hamill has been talking so much shit in interviews. Plus, they make a horrendous-looking Yoda ghost appear and yell at Luke while praising Rey. OH MY FUCKING GOODNESS (commence eye-rolling). The moment I was about to strangle every person in sight was when they actually made Rey semi beat Luke in a fight. Sure, he wasn't really trying, but she still knocked him down and had a lightsaber aimed at him. I mean, Rey is already the worst fanfic character ever created, but people thought it was just a joke that Disney would have her teaching Luke lessons. Yet, here we are. ARGH!!! I am furious just thinking about this shit.

Anyway, Luke is hanging out on this dumb island because of something about the first Jedi being here or whatever bullshit they were making up as they go. Luke kind of agrees to help Rey and she is, of course, magically good at everything for no reason. In fact, we are never given a reason for anything or offered up any godforsaken answers. Rey and Kylo Ren are just super powerful because Disney said take every guitar amp up to 11. They even make fun of Kylo Ren losing to Rey yet don't explain how it could possibly happen. Snoke, who is supposedly masterminding everything is never explained and just dies like a bitch too. They establish him as ridiculously powerful too which makes no sense. Honestly, we need to simply presume he was Darth Plagueis in order to make sense of the numerous plot threads left hanging. Great writing there. I guess we can conclude that, like with Anakin, Snoke (assuming him to be Plagueis) used the force to create another force child except that, this time, it created one for each side of the force: light and dark side. That's all we really have to work with as an audience since they were too lazy to explain themselves. Making matters more convoluted is that now Rey and Kylo have a telepathic link due to this force balancing. I guess they'll hype them up as lovers in the next movie since they gave Finn a new love interest (was hoping it would be Poe though).

The main plot--if you want to even call it that--involves the wannabe rebels fleeing from the wannabe Empire. The rebel ships are slightly faster but running out of fuel and they need to find a hacker to help save them. Yeaaaaah, sounds just like a Star Wars plot. This is utterly pathetic and a pointless tale to tell. And for the love of fuck, how can you be a resistance or rebels when the fucking republic was in control?! I brought this up with the last stupid movie. The First Order are the rebels technically since they're trying to take power from the republic. How do people not understand this? And nobody comes to help the rebels despite the fact that, virtually, every damn system should have been a member of the republic. In a nutshell, it's "ESB's" plot all over again except, instead of the Empire focusing on capturing the Millennium Falcon, these idiots are chasing the whole pitiful fleet that is peddling their bikes a tad faster than the bad guys.

Dat's too much thinkin'. We need to go to a casino planet and have big aliens and dumb little kid characters and stuff! And they find a hacker and he betrays them and he's a big meanie introduced out of nowhere. But then some purple-haired, tumblr-brought-to-life idiot talks about hope and sacrifices herself 'cause she's a hero! And then...and then...and then...they totally don't recreate the battle of Hoth but it's salt instead of snow. It's totally different! Luke shows up to save the day and actually does nothing 'cause he stayed on the island all along and used a force projection...you know, FORCE PROJECTIONS...'member those?! But it was hard and Luke disappears with the force while looking at the sun, because 'member he did that one time in a good movie? At the end, like 10 people get away, but, just you wait, they'll destroy the Empire yet again and Rey will turn Kylo gay--um, I mean, turn Kylo to the light side at the last second. Oh and some kid has a rebel ring he got out of a box of cereal. THE END.

When everything is said and done, the only redeeming qualities are okay effects; nothing to even brag about like with "The Force Awakens." I suppose there were a few decent moments too like the throne room fight, however, they just had to include Rey saving Kylo though, right? Gimme a break. With that said, FUCK THIS MOVIE! Disney has successfully ruined everything about this franchise. The most painful aspect is what they did to Luke. I cannot and will not recognize these fanfic movies as real. No matter how stupid the prequels could be with Jar Jar and such, they felt like Star Wars through and through. I'd rather watch teen Anakin talk about sand all day than to watch "The Last Jedi" ever again. The fake reviews are perfect complements to this movie, because they both demonstrate what a complete lack of integrity will produce. To paraphrase this garbage movie, "It's time for Star Wars to end."

Notable Moment: When the purple-haired lady goes bye bye. What an insufferable cunt character. The light speed crash was a neat (yet not original) idea though.

Final Rating: 4.5/10 (objectively) 0.5/10 (personally)

Halloween Tales Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: The worst Halloween-themed film in existence...and that's saying something.

Review: Wow, what a piece of shit. I've reviewed some horrendous movies over the years--plenty of them Halloween-themed--but this takes the cake. In fact, it has absolutely nothing to do with fucking Halloween, you jackasses! Mother fuckers. I don't care if your budget is literally peanuts that you're feeding to the "actors," there is no excuse for this kind of garbage. Getting up to piss in the middle of the night is scarier than this movie. The stories don't even make any damn sense, and the filmmakers embrace this incompetence by saying the individual stories were just bad dreams. UGH! Even trash like "The Haunted Dollhouse" is a level of quality far beyond this.

Wraparound: A bunch of idiots are stranded at a train station after a wreck. BIG FUCKING SHOCK, they're all dead and don't realize it. Yeah, sure, we never saw that coming. Fantastic. The actors are clearly reading their lines off cue cards, and they still suck. Each character is an asshole, and, when it's revealed they're in hell, we come to learn they're even bigger assholes than initially portrayed. Well, that is a talent I suppose. I really don't know what to say except that the premise of the film is that each idiot regales us with a nightmare they supposedly had the night before. Forget Dante's "Inferno" or "Paradise Lost," THIS is what hell truly would be--this movie being real life.

Story 1: The supposed hot chick of this group--who is like a 4/10--meets up with some dude she met over the internet. There is something about him being a ripoff-Norman Bates except nonsensical. I mean, the guy's mom looks like a zombie or a ghost yet she just casually interacts with everyone...so...fuck if I know. I guess the moral of the story is don't overvalue your looks.

Story 2: Next up is the hipster, street trash of the group. She dreams that she was a bum and meets the devil. Yet, we are to believe the devil would form his own wannabe cult where they kill assholes? I'd think the devil would have better things to do than this. Well, street trash tries to escape the cult and...umm...she can't escape...the end? Yeah, why not? Argh.

Story 3: Next up is the character I seriously couldn't tell if he was actually retarded or not. In his nightmare--which, in fairness, is pretty damn close to a glimpse of hell--he is tasked to watch a house with a 16 year old girl in it or something. Then there is bigfoot and our potato hero, with his jailbait accomplice, tries to capture bigfoot as a scheme to become rich...I think. It turns out these shenanigans with bigfoot involves the parents just wanting to kill their stupid kids. Psh, whaaaaat? Why not, right?

Story 4: Finally tying out this catastrophe is the genuine asshole of the group who does nothing but talk shit. In his nightmare he's trying to get a job and ends up working at a warehouse or whatever. While doing some kind of data entry, this asshole comes to realize he's a part of an experiment with murderers or something. Honestly, I don't give a fuck.

I saw this shit for free through Amazon Prime, but, please, do NOT waste your money on this abomination. There is nothing involving Halloween here nor is there a single thing worthy of mentioning. Oh, wait, this movie can at least boast it's not the worst movie I've ever seen. Yippee. This is pure, unfiltered shit that doesn't deserve to exist. This may also be the worst anthology film I've ever seen, yet, it doesn't fully qualify since none of the stories are coherent enough to count as complete. Damn this movie to hell where it belongs!

Notable Moment: Uhhh...I guess when the main asshole is trash talking? I suppose a few of his insults are so stupid, over the top, and poorly delivered that you could say it's so bad it's good. Eh, not really. This movie just blows massive chunks.

Final Rating: 2/10

WNUF Halloween Special Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: During a news broadcast in 1987, a reporter and crew discover more than they bargained for while investigating an allegedly haunted house.

Review: I have been exhausting every Halloween-themed movie for years now, and have been scraping the bottom of the barrel for quite a while. I mean, just look at some of the no-name garbage I've reviewed during previous Octobers! Thankfully, this movie was a breath of fresh air. Of course, this is a form of found-footage, however, it's considerably different than the standard bullshit you might come to expect. Essentially, this plays out like an actual local news broadcast from the '80s--commercials and all. The thing is...everything is created by the filmmakers including those commercials! It's quite the sight to behold due to overwhelming levels of ingenuity and creativity. These filmmakers understand the '80s probably better than anyone I've even heard of; it's extraordinary really. Something like "House of the Devil" could easily trick an unsuspecting viewer into believing it was made in the past, but the attention to detail in "WNUF Halloween Special" is off the fucking charts! It's about as authentic of a recreation as you could ever create. I honestly cannot imagine a better presentation unless someone used a DeLorean.

So the structure of the film can be somewhat difficult to explain. You have the main reporters talking about the typical, nightly fluff pieces you'd expect mixed with conventional news stories. Everything feels believable and real with a certain level of exaggeration for humor to the audience. You get jumping, static, fast-forwarding, etc. as if this is an actual VHS tape. By the way, you will feel as if you are watching a shitty VHS tape that's for sure. The manner in which the filmmakers accomplished this feat was through multiple copies taped over and over by VHS, degrading the picture quality with each subsequent copy of a copy. You know, it occurred to me--fuck(!)--why didn't "The Ring" franchise every utilize this as a plot point?! Well, "The Ring 4," there you go.

Anyway, the broadcast is building up to one of the reporters going to a haunted house and bringing paranormal investigators with he and his crew. Along the way, we get more fluff pieces and a constant barrage of commercials. The commercials blow me away with their accurate tone and style befitting of the era. I have no doubt the filmmakers used true '80s B-roll yet it's spliced seamlessly with film-created material. It's just awesome. Sooo...once the story picks up, things do get more serious as you know something big is coming with the haunted house. There is a payoff at the end with everyone dying, but I was a bit disappointed with the direction they took the material. In a way, it does fit '80s motifs of cults, satanists, psychos, etc., but I would have preferred a supernatural reveal. Still, this isn't any kind of Blair Bitch bullshit where you are left wondering what happened; the film gives a clear explanation of what happened to the crew.

This brings me to some of my gripes with the movie as a whole. While I certainly love the commercials, and the effort that went into creating them, they needed to lighten up during the climax. At the same time, you could easily argue too much of the running time is dedicated to them and could be interpreted as filler. As mentioned, the ending is not what I would have wanted. The budget was pittance, sure, but a ghost popping up would have interested me more even if it looked a bit shoddy. There are times when the comedy was a bit corny or over the top; this didn't bother me, but I can see it bothering some viewers. Finally, there is a lot of reused material strewn about, and, coupled with a short run time, this is a tad too short. The scary moments could have been longer to add more tension and to make this be feature-length.

All things considered, "WNUF Halloween Special" is something worthwhile and a worthy "Halloween" alternative without a doubt. I heard about this from a youtube reviewer, Dr. Wolfula, and it would appear this movie is indie as hell so the DVD cost me a bit to obtain. I don't know if there are ways to rent this or if any store would carry it, but if you're a big '80s fan this is a must-have. Every single detail is carefully crafted and the movie felt so damn realistic. If it weren't for the overly comedic moments, you'd have a lot of trouble distinguishing this from reality under the right context. And, despite the niche market, I can see plenty of mass appeal for something like this given that is does offer up that humor while still possessing that cool horror buildup throughout. There are flaws, yet, those can be readily overlooked. Definitely seek this one out if you've run through the same Halloween movies over and over.

Notable Moment: The one commercial that really struck me as both creative and accurate was the spin the bottle game of drugs. The cornball setup, the drug options, and the bottle landing on a headstone was perfect! It felt pretty damn close to the kind of shit they aired when I was a kid.

Final Rating: 6.5/10

Happy Death Day Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: After being murdered by a masked killer, a soroity girl relives the same day over and over in an effort to uncover the killer's identity.

Review: Taking the core premise of "Groundhog Day" and splicing that with '80s slasher tropes was, surprisingly, an act of utter brilliance! "Happy Death Day" turned out to be the most fun horror movie I've watched in years. You get plenty of mayhem, plenty of laughs, and the events unfold in the most satisfying of ways. Not sure why it took nearly 10 years to get this movie out of production hell, but I am certainly glad it turned out this well. The filmmakers simply did everything right--from the pacing to the balance of comedy and horror--it comes together seamlessly.

The main character, Tree, is played masterfully by Jessica Rothe and sells the entire experience. Tree starts off as the most unlikable bitch-whore yet, by the end, you will be cheering her on. The nuances and humor to her character are perfect and help to make the film memorable. For example, you have Tree trying to narrow down her suspects and investigating their motives by physically making a list and stalking them until she ends up murdered for the day. Then you have times where she doesn't give a flying fuck and embraces the fact that she will die that day. Despite spending nowhere near as much time reliving the day as is implied with "Groundhog Day," the audience still experiences a redemption tale of the character. More precisely, Tree's romance with her loverboy, Carter, is quite endearing and adds further charm to her character as she realizes the person she's become and attempts to change it. Though, they do deviate slightly by adding a sense of stakes to the situation. In this instance, Tree comes back slightly weaker with each day passing with the implication she'll eventually stay dead one of these times. This sense of urgency helps builds tension that simply works in the story's favor. I'd honestly go as far as calling this movie "Groundhog Day 2" since this is as close to a sequel as we will ever have and it's damn good at emulating the inspiration. Not to be outdone, the whodunnit, masked killer element is fantastic too. There are A LOT of suspects and potential motives which are laid out for the audience succinctly. Though I guessed the killer, the movie proposes numerous options and a few twists to keep you guessing until the end.

There were only two, legitimate detriments present throughout. One, the story isn't wholeheartedly original when borrowing this heavily from "Groundhog Day." I mean, they change things up, of course, yet the story beats do mirror one another closely; similarly, the film never explains or even leaves a clue as to why Tree is reliving the day. Two, the killer is somewhat predictable given that there's a certain character with a deliberately ambiguous body type. The killer's motive is amusing, befitting of the film's tone, but it's still easy to see coming especially when compared to the other culprits. The fake-out toward the end does help cast doubt in a viewer, but, c'mon, no horror vet will fall for that. Other than these gripes, "Happy Death Day" delivers on the goods.

Overall, this was a fucking awesome movie from start to finish! From the goofy characters to the killer's reveal to the background shenanigans, you will be fully engrossed in the story and pleased with Ms. Rothe as the lead and her plight. I thoroughly and enthusiastically recommend checking out "Happy Death Day."  It's that perfect combination of humor and horror to pull in casual and genre audiences alike with mass appeal. I've kept the spoilers to a bare minimum this time around since I truly want people to check this one out.

Notable Moment: When Tree and Carter finally address the topic of "Groundhog Day" toward the end. That was an amusing and appropriate way to address the elephant in the room.

Final Rating: 7.5/10

Cult of Chucky Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Although Andy has seemingly contained Chucky, the killer doll continues his pursuit of previous survivor, Nica.

Review: I want you to imagine the filmmakers holding a ball. Now imagine them dropping it. That is "Cult of Chucky." After "Curse of Chucky" brought so much momentum back to the series--ignoring most of the bullshit from parts 4 and 5--we are brought firmly back to absurdity with this seventh installment. Half the story is sheer, psychological nonsense, and the other half is sequel-bait for a prospective 8th entry. In essence, this is a filler movie, with little substance, similarly to something like "Saw V." Oh, sure, there are the occasional cool moments and interesting ideas, however, "Cult" is mediocre at best and completely fails to deliver on that title.

This time around, Andy, played by Alex Vincent once again, has what's left of Chucky in an isolated location. For some reason, Chucky is still alive in this state which doesn't make sense given the defeats in the other entries but okay. At the same time, Nica, the chick blamed for Chucky's murders in part 6, is at some mental hospital, full of weirdos, when Chucky's killings begin again. The movie kind of hypes up this mystery as to why every Good Guy doll is alive, but the reveal is utterly retarded; apparently Chucky can simultaneously possess multiple dolls at once with some kind of next level Horcrux shit. Andy gets wind of this situation and idiotically becomes institutionalized (he'd actually have been arrested instead but, sure, why not) in order to get to the bottom of the mystery. By the end, Chucky's primary goal appears to be nothing more than possessing Nica...which he does. So, seven movies in and Chucky finally regains a human form (magically regenerating her ability to walk), and we are left with an abrupt ending of Chucky and Tiffany driving away while Andy is stuck at the mental institution. Whaaaaat? What the hell was the point to any of this?

The loose plot threads include everything with Nica's niece, Alice. How and why would Tiffany adopt her, and why was she killed off screen if her involvement is somehow relevant to the plot? I'm sure they'll reveal she's alive or whatever but this is still stupid. What was Tiffany talking about when taunting Andy on the phone? Why does Chucky go to the mental institution to kill Nica but then change his mind? Why would Chucky care about Nica enough to torment and possess her? This is especially confusing when Andy is right there! If Chucky performed this dumb multiplication spell prior to the ending of part 6, then why would he send his true form to kill Andy instead of one of the clones?

On top of these annoying issues, and moronic plot choices, the entire tone is off. Chucky movies aren't supposed to be trippy with bizarre imagery. Now, I did like some of it, what with the snowy shots, however, you have overwhelmingly stupid shots like a giant Chucky and dream sequences. The buildup to a big reveal or a final confrontation is such a letdown when there are ways to deliver on the material. To use the title properly, they could have explained that people were putting themselves into Good Guy dolls willingly; use the mental patients as the "cult" members. OR, keep this idiocy as is yet reveal that these events take place before the ending of part 6 and set up how they figured out where Andy was. Then a potential part 8 would serve as the final battle between Andy and Chucky. I don't know--you need something of merit here.

Overall, this was incredibly disappointing after part 6 put the franchise back on track. If they wanted to really change things up with a tonal shift, why not leave open the actual option that Andy really was imagining the franchise (as Chucky implies at one point). Instead, we get the cornball comedy elements of parts 4 and 5 mixed with nonsense and loose plot threads. Making Chucky ultimately possess some chick is a slap in the face to the series as a whole. In fact, didn't Don Mancini remember his whole bit from part 5 where Chucky says he doesn't even want to be human again since he's a legend in doll form?! Ugh. I guess if you're a completionist then give this film a go. You aren't missing much by skipping this, and it might feel better to wait for a part 8 and then watch this with it--assuming they tie up the loose ends. If you're like me, and were happy with part 6's return to serious horror, then you will be sorely disappointed.

Notable Moment: When Kyle pops up at the end. It's a great treat for the fans, but I think there is a way her character could have been integrated into the plot.

Final Rating: 5.5/10

The Houses October Built 2 Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: The pointless continuation of characters seeking an extreme horror experience.

Review: Right to the point: do NOT waste your time or money on this trash. I went easy on the first installment since I appreciated the originality within the premise. This time around, however, we simply get a complete recreation of the first film except dumber, making less sense, and removing all stakes involved. I mean, it's quite baffling how anyone would think such stupidity would work. We've seen plenty of unnecessary sequels over the years, but this is, maybe, the first instance where the story simply says everyone is back to life after dying the first time around. If you can just bring dead characters back to life how the hell am I supposed to be invested in the events the second time around? Why would I ever consider any character in danger? This is moronic on a totally different level.

So, yeaaah, remember how the characters all appeared to die or were in the process of dying? Well, none of it was real and they're all alive. Hooray. Better yet, none of them are bothered whatsoever and carry on like nothing ever happened. Good one. Oh, sure, they try to address this outlandish series of events by the end, but, c'mon, this is fucking retarded. The only character that was bothered by the events was the chick of the group, and they later imply this film and the previous one were just about fucking with her. Whaaaat? Why? No one would be this mindlessly cruel to a friend for no reason. And if everything was orchestrated, then how does this dumb, underground movement of omniscient psychos fit into this plot line? Argh. The story beats are exactly the fucking same as the first movie. Once more, half the movie is just filler advertising for real life attractions across the USA. This is unforgivable to do twice over. The twist at the end is painful to behold, makes no fucking sense, and is an insult to the audience. Everyone is just doing this shit for money...or something. UGH. Give me a break. And are these psychos supernatural or what? How does that one jackass hold on to a RV for a whole trip? Oh whatever, dude.

I could go on all day with how idiotic this film is and why it has no reason to exist, but I'll spare you the details. Needless to say, this movie is pure garbage from start to finish. It's just a rehash of part one except lamer and removing any sense of tension. Seriously, if any writer will resurrect characters casually, why would an audience worry about their well-being? This might not be the worst sequel around, yet, it's sheer pointlessness puts it into the shitacular category--we are talking on par with entries from the horrendous "Witchcraft" franchise (which I really don't want to EVER review). Obviously, avoid this shit this Halloween and stick with the numerous other films I've covered over the years.

Notable Moment: I guess when we see a Kobayashi cameo for no real reason. Since he's been kicked out of the Nathan's hot dog eating contest, the guy needs to keep busy somehow I suppose.

Final Rating: 3/10

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: When giant robots begin to attack cities all over the world, it's up to Sky Captain to save the day!

Review: This is a hard movie to review since it was basically made for an audience that doesn't exist. The visuals are certainly a draw for those that appreciate filmmaking itself, however, the story is a simplistic action-adventure intended to imitate Golden Age comics, radio shows, and film serials. Most people, myself included, are nowhere near old enough to have experienced any of those things firsthand during their zenith. Don't get me wrong, not having the working knowledge doesn't mean you can't enjoy "Sky Captain," it just means the average moviegoer was never going to see the initial appeal.

The good: the "futuristic" version of the 1930s was a cool concept. In fact, it would have been awesome had they simply set the film in modern times but implied the 1930s aesthetics never ended. Nevertheless, the visual designs were spot-on representations of how media of this era would depict sci-fi--from the clunky robots to the ray gun to the nosy reporter. I especially loved how radio waves are shown to be almost magical in the way that computers could do pretty much anything in '80s fiction. While I didn't think the actors were the best picks for their roles, they were basically fair representations of the time; I guess it's mostly Jude Law that should have been replaced with someone less pretty boy and more square-jawed every man. The usage of a mad genius with an over the top, take over the world scheme was also perfect. It's hard to properly express the positives since the filmmakers captured the era's visuals, its tone, its characters, and the sensibilities so damn accurately; the ultimate tribute.

The bad: First off, that title is terrible and a mouthful. Yeah, it has that cornball vibe to it that you could imagine on a comic book cover, but movies with ridiculous titles are notorious for bombing. I understand that it was going to be nearly impossible to create a movie like this without CGI, yet, did it need to be this extreme of a degree? There are ways this could have been accomplished with practical effects--easily masked effects due to the sepia coloring. The most important detractor is the basic and hallow story which lacks any true twists or turns--we just jump from adventure setting to adventure setting. There were also lots of stupid little things that bothered me like calling World War I, well, World War I. No one called it that until much later when there was actual context to refer to it as the first world war. Or something as stupid as CONSTANTLY cutting to Penny's camera to show the audience how many shots she had left. We get it! And the joke was dumb from the start. I don't know, this just a sense of boredom within the film itself.

Overall, "Sky Captain" is actually a pretty good movie and especially enjoyable if you have an appreciation for the era the filmmakers are recreating. Unfortunately, the casual audience viewer isn't going to understand the point and will likely be unimpressed by the generic story line. Sure this movie is probably 75% style to 25% substance, but I wouldn't sell it that short. There are still flaws present, however, those can be overlooked readily. I think what would have really made this an experience would be if the filmmakers spent more time building up the mystery and added a twist or two rather than playing it completely by the book. Yes, you want to be faithful, but at least know the audience you're trying to reach. With that said, I can see this growing significantly more popular in the future once the right audience discovers it.

Notable Moment: When Gwyneth Paltrow gets knocked the fuck out! About damn time someone shut her up.

Final Rating: 6.5/10

They Wait Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A mother must rescue her son from the clutches of evil spirits during Ghost Month.

Review: "They Wait" is somewhat reminiscent of an East meets West production, however, it's more of a Western take on a traditional, Chinese ghost tale. Unfortunately, the general premise is severely lacking in depth, and the story is flimsy and loaded with cliches. In one respect, the filmmakers are trying to tell a captivating mystery while simultaneously presenting this undying mother/son bond...both of which come off as weak. This doesn't mean the film is inherently bad as much as it's simply mediocre in every single regard. There is nothing unique whatsoever, and the characters are presented as complete idiots often times. For example, we are to believe that a woman living in Shanghai and married to a Chinese guy for years doesn't know what Ghost Month is?!

To put things succinctly, this film plays out like "Stir of Echoes" set in Chinatown. There is a wannabe, creepy ghost running around that wants her murder solved, yet, figures the best way of doing this is to capture the soul of the main chick's son. I get that they wanted stakes--what with Ghost Month's ending resulting in the kid dying--but, come on, this isn't a sympathetic ghost. On top of that, the cheap levels of production don't offer up anything interesting in the way of a ghost world or demons. In fact, the events of the story wrap up fairly quickly with little action or scares along the way. Of course, the realization that many of the background characters are evil and covering up a murder is beyond predictable. There is simply this vibe of pointlessness to the movie. It's not that the filmmakers really screwed things up as much as they couldn't do anything worthwhile. The ghost is not even scary looking when she could have been played up more.

Overall, "They Wait" is a missed opportunity. The primary mystery is generic and by the books, and the resolution is achieved too easily. The difficulty of rescuing the son should have been the film's top priority and took the time to depict a true world of ghosts. Maybe playing it safe with a Kayako-clone might have had a better impact as well. However, my biggest gripe with the film is the cliches. A random old guy who knows everything, family members who can see ghosts but don't realize it, ghosts that can't just be upfront with what they want, lazy writing with family members covering up the sins of the past, etc. It's just one, big cliche-fest. I can't really recommend something like this despite my appreciation for the effort.

Notable Moment: The whopping two scenes with Michael Biehn. Dude, what the fuck are you doing? How do you go from Reese and Hicks to this?!

Final Rating: 5/10

Annabelle: Creation Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A group of orphans stay at a house seemingly haunted by a demonic doll.

Review: Since I was pretty much the only person who liked the first "Annabelle," it was tough to understand why everyone all of a sudden likes this prequel. I mean, I did like this entry too, but what was really done differently? The main complaint I heard with the first movie was people expecting a female Chucky running around. Well, you still don't get that with the exception of maybe one scare; a great scene by the way. I'm assuming the relentless nature of the scares is what made the real difference since "Annabelle: Creation" simply does not let up. The audience has little time to breathe in between set pieces, and there comes a point where they just keep coming in quick succession. That was especially impressive to accomplish. As much as I was loving this film, everything comes crashing down at the end as we learn about an unbelievable series of coincidences and contrivances that will blow your mind.

Where this installment succeeds is in those engaging and unrelenting scares. There is little down time between scares as almost each scene leads into one. The filmmakers really did go balls to walls with trying to scare the viewer and it works. On top of that, many ideas felt original and were executed considerably well. Oh, sure, there are plenty of cliched frights and jumps, but, for the most part, there is a strong buildup of tension to keep you at the edge of your seat. To bring this tension to life were great child actors; though, the Jan actress is actually 16?! Typically you will want these characters to die, but they were believable in their roles. Also, I liked the subtle inclusion of the demonic nun from "The Conjuring 2." Lastly, as with the first "Annabelle," these movies always have a certain, polished look to them that I enjoy. I understand many genre fans are coming to hate this aesthetic, but I think it helps to have a quality-looking product.

As for the film's faults...the lighting isn't as effective as the previous "Annabelle;" there were times when it was difficult to even see what was happening. The characters, while likable, did plenty of stupid, walking-into-danger hijinks that appeared forced. The explanations for how the doll was possessed and how feebly it was contained are weak as hell. Yeah, okay, you just prayed to "whatever" and it turned out to be a demon that wants to go into a doll...? What? And tossing it in some closet with bible pages keeps it at bay for 12 years until one peek inside the closet is enough to awaken it again? And what's with the 12 year intervals anyway? This leads me to the preposterous ending. Soooo...the demon possesses the one little girl, is somehow adopted, lives a normal childhood, starts a cult, kills her adoptive parents, then kills herself to put the demon back into the Annabelle doll that just so happens to have been bought by the next door neighbors?! HUH?! This ending is beyond contrived...it's outright absurd and makes no sense. What exactly is the goal of the demon if not to possess people? Why would it want to go back into the doll? Everything is simply too unreal and contrived for me to accept.

In many ways, I think this entry is way better than "Annabelle" due to the increased quality of scares and the sheer amount of them. The setting and characters are more interesting too and keep the audience invested in the action. Overall, this is an effective horror movie perfect for date night. Unfortunately, the ending takes contrivances to a higher plain of bullshit that should defy any person's sense of what's possible. Also, the writers have officially boxed themselves into a corner with this plot line as they cannot possibly go back further, and Annabelle's whereabouts are pretty much all accounted for at this point. Nevertheless, if you liked the first "Annabelle" then you should definitely enjoy this one as well.

Notable Moment: When Annabelle is thrown down the well and tries to get back out. I liked the line where Sister Charlotte asked what that was, and Linda says something along the lines of, "Who cares? RUN!" It's just hilarious delivery.

Final Rating: 6.5/10

Spider-Man: Homecoming Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Peter Parker must juggle typical high school life with being a superhero.

Review: So we are on the third version of Spider-Man at this point, but this was, surprisingly, not bad at all. There are still some serious problems, however, I think a major part of the fun was that Spider-Man finally connected into the rest of the Marvel universe. Since Spidey was one of the main comics I grew up reading, it has annoyed me that so many of his movies are garbage. With Sony, seemingly, dead set on destroying their movie division, who knows how long any of this positivity will last. In the meantime, I guess we can celebrate this small victory for the moment.

The best aspect was finally presenting Peter Parker and Spider-Man properly. The Raimi trilogy nailed the cornball nature of the comics, but they did not understand the humorous side of Peter whatsoever. The Amazing version had a better grasp yet screwed it all up due to idiocy. Here, Peter is back to his roots of being a dweeb who jokes around. It's tough to explain since artists draw Peter in different ways, but I think this is the best representation of the character yet. As such, Spider-Man's power level is adjusted to what it should be, and he has a sleeker, smaller look that matches the comic. All around, I'm impressed with Tom Holland in the role. The other aspects that were done well include the ongoing gag of people flirting with Aunt May, solid pacing, that sexy, sexy voice of Jennifer Connelly, decent action, and the story addressing the aftermath of "The Avengers" while also explaining the whole street level hero concept to the audience. Finally, the twist regarding the Vulture and Peter's love interest was fantastic. I wish there would be more twists in these superhero movies beyond just someone turning out to be a villain.

As for the bad decisions...Sony, Sony, Sony, quit fucking with the characters! That ain't MJ, you fuckwits. It was dumb enough to change Flash and Shocker, but MJ is a notorious red head even in the general public's mind! And on top of that, you've altered her personality to be a stalker, hipster street-trash future college lesbian?! She's the goddamn girl next door type! And Kirsten Dunst already fucked up the character, but you want to make things even worse?! Oh yeaaaah, I can just picture fucking Zendaya saying, "Face it, Tiger...you just hit jackpot!" She looks like she hasn't bathed in a month. As I mentioned in my review for "The Amazing Spider-Man," Emma Stone should have been cast as MJ. Oh well. Besides these annoyances, Vulture just wasn't a worthy adversary. Michael Keaton is good in the role, but every encounter with Vulture would have resulted in his defeat if he just held his ground and fought Spider-Man; he's just a guy with wings for the most part. It felt like the plot was artificially extended by making Vulture never just fight to the finish. At least with past villains, they appeared more formidable.

All things considered, I'd probably rate this slightly above "The Amazing Spider-Man," but below the first Raimi entry. This, sort of, puts the franchise back on track, but we'll have to see since Sony is run by complete fucking morons who won't listen to Marvel. Basically, watch this entry for its depiction of Peter Park and a glimpse at street level superheroes. There is a lot of humor which will please casual moviegoers and those who've grown accustomed to Marvel's film structure. Be wary of the pointless race swaps and flimsy villains that, realistically, could have been beaten right away. Lastly, just stick with this Spider-Man or ditch the character altogether. I don't think anyone could take a godforsaken FOURTH incarnation!

Notable Moment: When Ned is caught by the teacher during the dance. His excuse of looking at porn was perfect.

Final Rating: 7/10

It (2017) Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A group of kids must stop an evil creature that takes the form of a maniacal clown.

Review: Wow, what crack are people smoking? This was a disaster! "It" was neither a faithful adaptation of the book nor an update of the '90s version. In fact, with a 2+ hour running time, the 2017 version had less character development than the '90s version which had commercials and cuts back to the adult characters. How in the fuck do you pull that off?! And, my goodness gracious, that interpretation of Pennywise is horrendous! Holy shit, that opening scene with G-g-g-eorgie was PAINFUL to endure. It was as if I were watching Pennywise as a kid going through puberty and trying to ask out a girl for the first time. GODDAMN! Now, don't get me wrong, there are many positives, especially in the technical department but, my, oh my, did they fuck this up.

Let's tackle the good first. The '80s setting was cool to see despite not playing as big of a role as one might imagine. The continual New Kids on the Block jokes were the highlight without a doubt. The cinematography was done quite well in order to create this dreary look to the town. Likewise, this same look helped to make Pennywise appear creepier on occasion; I did like him lurking in the background a lot. I've read conflicting complaints regarding the acting of the kids, however, I felt they did a good job and were one of the main highlights. Sure, there were a few times where the line delivery was awful, but I could say that about every single line from Pennywise. I think the show-stealer is Finn Wolfhard, as Richie, with probably the best lines in the movie.

Okay, I want to take a look at just Pennywise for a bit. His execution is a complete and utter failure. Upfront, his look is moronic and impractical. He's not supposed to be overtly scary since he's supposed to lure kids to him. Besides that, his taunting is weak, and the combination of his goofy expressions and schizophrenic shakes make him look fucking retarded during every encounter. By the way, they all play out the same damn way: kid sees something creepy and runs right into danger, Pennywise jumps out, looks and/or says something stupid, and then Pennywise runs at the screen screaming and shaking like a two-buck ho going through withdraw. Fantastic. Where is the shape-shifting? Where is It's arrogance? They've dumbed the character down to the point where It is just a bumbling fool and literally say to the audience he can't eat someone who isn't afraid...which he could...but that's neither here nor there. The '90s version went a bit overboard with the cartoonish villain aspect, but it better captures the gleeful evil and arrogance of It whereby he believes himself to be invincible. I don't know what to make of this abomination.

But the problems do not simply lie with Pennywise. The entire narrative structure misses the point of the book. The meat of the story involves the kids and their friendships. Here, some of the kids get, maybe, one throwaway scene to establish them and that's it. Hell, Richie didn't even get a personal experience meeting It! Ben has no backstory, Mike's backstory is changed and explained away in two sentences, and Stan is never shown to be a skeptic and also has one scene to set him up. How the hell could you not pull this off with that long of a running time?! Oh wait, I know, it's because you gotta spend 10 minutes setting up another scene of Pennywise running at the screen like a toddler on a sugar high. What was with trying to set Bev up as "hot" when she's supposed to be like 13? And what's with trying to force a love story into the mix with Bev and Bill?! And my final gripe involving Bev is her being kidnapped by It. HAH! Oh man, that was a good one! Yeaaaah, 'cause Pennywise wouldn't just eat her? And Henry dies? Whaaaat? The entire final encounter with It makes no damn sense whatsoever. They just start hitting him with whatever is handy, he flips into a well, says something stupid, his head explodes, and they assume It died. Come again?

I like the '80s setting, but this story simply works better in the '50s setting. The dynamics of the group and their friendships make more sense in that time period. Furthermore, the fears of the kids were more simplistic and easier for It to take that form. They included a lot of background posters of '80s horror movies which made me think maybe the Wolfman, for example, would be swapped with, say, Freddy Krueger instead. Nope. You could definitely feel many hands in the pot with this film--from studio meddling, multiple writers, and the multiple director changes--it all shows.

Overall, I'm happy with the casting of the kids, their acting, and the look and design of "It" as a film. The main reason I'm even rating this as high as I am is due to these technical aspects coming together considerably well. Unfortunately, the handling of the titular character is ruined, the story of the kids is not executed efficiently, things feel rushed in order to jump to the next scare--which are all the same, and the final battle is anti-climactic and doesn't even make sense while given little contextual buildup. There really isn't much emotion in this incarnation of the story which is pathetic given that a made-for-TV film from the '90s has more depth. This "It" has the '90s version destroyed in production value, but the 2017 version doesn't even come close to matching the heart. In the end, this was made for casual audiences who never even heard of "It." For me, it's just a big disappointment with cookie-cutter thrills made for the ADHD era.

Notable Moment: When Bev finds Ben's New Kids on the Block poster. The joke edit is AWESOME! This scene doesn't come close to fitting the tonal structure of the movie, but that is some next level, tasteful shenanigans if I ever saw it!

Final Rating: 6/10

Re-cycle Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: While working on her newest book, a successful writer is inexplicably pulled into a supernatural world.

Review: After completely forgetting I had the DVD for "Re-cycle," I immediately popped it into my computer for a view. There are a few caveats to understand up front. One: this is not a horror movie. Two: do not believe almost any plot synopsis regarding this film. Yes, this was made by the same people behind "The Eye," and stars the same chick, Angelica Lee, but that doesn't magically turn this into a horror movie. Oh, sure, there is a Kayako-wannabe for no good reason, but "Re-cycle" is more "The NeverEnding Story" mixed with elements of Dante's "Inferno." There are plenty of great ideas involved with this film, however, the way in which everything comes together is a huge disappointment and failure of execution. Ultimately, the story is trying to tackle far, far more than the filmmakers can handle and this results in a nonsensical, unsatisfying stream of ideas.

What works? The single best aspect is the imaginative, supernatural world depicted. This idea that everything ever abandoned, both physical and abstract, resides in a single space opened up nearly endless potential to explore. The design of the world is creative and incorporates many impressive set designs. There is shoddy CGI all over the place, but I can overlook this due to the ambitious nature of the world displayed. Other than this, I can appreciate the attempt at pulling this story together. It doesn't work, but I can understand the vision which could have been quite remarkable if pulled together coherently.

As for the problems...oh man, where to start? There are simply too many plot tangents that either go unanswered or come out of fucking nowhere. So Ting-yin is this successful romance writer who wants to write a horror book. However, she comes to realize elements of her story are coming true. Fantastic. Roll with that. Oh, wait, don't roll with it...let's instead add drama with some boyfriend who got married and expected her to wait 8 years for him to divorce or something? Whaaaat? Uh, okaaay. Next, Ting-yin is being haunted by that Kayako-wannabe...yet...we come to learn that Kayako-clone is mad that she's a rejected character...before she was rejected. Whaaaaat?! But then Ting-yin thinks her book is coming to life...except it's not at all. Then she's pulled into this supernatural world by just going on an elevator. Again, whaaaaat?! And this world makes no damn sense. It doesn't matter...anything from discarded toys, aborted babies, ghosts, and imaginary characters can all exist together equally. And yet, this world doesn't exist in a fixed state--things vanishing without rhyme or reason. And why are there so many malevolent obstacles to be overcome if a living person is never supposed to enter this world? It's not as if it's addressed that, perhaps, these abandoned...things...could be free if they, say, latched onto a living person. BUT, plot twist, the entire premise of the damn movie is invalidated by the ending! GOOD JOB! We are led to believe that the main character is reaching some kind of catharsis for having an abortion and discovering that her daughter was "raised" in this world. Except, the main character is also not real herself! ARGH! Soooo...either nothing in the movie was ever real to begin with, or it's real and is a huge plot hole as the main character is also fictional and would never have drawn the attention of anyone in the abandoned world to begin with! Oh, fuck it, there is no use trying to rationalize the events.

I really want to like "Re-cycle" for the creativity involved, but nonsense going on with the story is impossible to ignore. This is a fantasy-adventure movie that shifts more into a dark fairy tale. A few scenes could be considered scary, but that's more of an ancillary development when presenting the supernatural world. You have lame drama with the main chick and her loverboy, drama with the main chick's daughter, a surprise appearance by her grandpa, a forced antagonist whose motivations are laughable and her inclusion is beyond tacked on to spice up a trailer, there is an attempt to include a feeble hero's journey, an attempt at a tragic decision, and a ridiculous final zinger that negates the film itself. What a debacle. I am giving "Re-cycle" a modest rating simply because I really do feel the vision was there--it just wasn't realized in any capacity. The imagery can be good, but audiences need to know this isn't a horror movie whatsoever and fails to deliver the goods.

Notable Moment: Despite the flaws, I was impressed by the section of the world where all the books resided, raining down from the sky. We needed more of this and less of that seizure-inducing editing depicted in the abortion realm...well, among other things.

Final Rating: 5.5/10

Return to Sleepaway Camp Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Decades after the original film, someone is beginning to kill campers, but could it be Angela?

Review: Completely ignoring the events of parts 2-4 (not that it's hard to ignore 4), "Return to Sleepaway Camp" tries to recreate the tone and seriousness associated with the original. As such, a major component of the plot is the whodunnit aspect; though, I was able to guess the identity of the killer instantly, and I'm guessing most horror veterans will too. While I do appreciate the general attempt at making this series horror-focused once again, the film doesn't fully succeed in presenting a worthwhile entry. Oh, sure, the kills are somewhat creative, and it's amusing to see idiots get what's coming to them, but the story and characters lack that charm from part 2 and some of the material feels like a retread. Likewise, the twist, while doable, is nowhere near as startling as the original. What I would have loved to see is a blending of part 1's tone with part 2's charm and quirky characters.

One genuinely positive thing was that there were plenty of red herrings that could have worked as the killer. On the other hand, it's a bit pointless to introduce so many potential suspects when it's painfully obvious Angela is still the killer. Alternatively, someone should have been working with Angela to make the final reveal have a form of relevance. For example, why not give her an accomplice and link a connection between her in a way that brings things full circle? Maybe utilizing Angela's mom or the dad's gay lover or even the aunt. In fact, why bring back a bunch of actors from the original if they're ultimately pointless? I mean, they brought back Ricky who claimed he visits Angela every week. This would imply that Angela managed to escape a mental institute, get a disguise, convince a town she is the sheriff, insert herself into coincidental camp shenanigans, arrange to be on the camp grounds in the first place, and organize all of her kills...all in the span of a week at most?! Yeaaaaah...okaaaaaay. I'll take "Things That Could Never Happen" for $200, Alex.

Don't get me wrong, I did appreciate bringing the actors back--it made this feel like a true sequel. Also, the other nods like Big Pussy, a death right out of "1984," and Chef from "South Park" are humorous in their own way. But these kind of things don't necessarily create lovable victim fodder. The main kid everyone is picking on--retarded or not, I don't know what that was supposed to be--is made out to be an asshole half the time. It's kind of hard to feel bad for the bullied kid when he's also a bully too! This reminded me of the mean-spirited vibe of part 3. Is it so hard to give the audience characters to root for? They should have made the bullied kid likable in a dweeby way which could be used as a motive to set Angela off. Instead, it's just by chance that Angela stumbled upon a camp full of assholes in need of dying.

Overall, this is an okay entry, but it's kind of annoying that the filmmakers decided to ignore part 2. Come to think of it, I hate it when franchises will arbitrarily ignore sequels like fucking "Halloween!" The kills are decent, and there are plenty, but there's still a low-budget style. The acting does leave much to be desired, but I can get over it I suppose. There were a bunch of cute background girls, and the opening sequence did have a song about "Sleepaway Camp" so there's that too. Eh, I'd say this installment is worth a watch but only for those who want to complete the series.

Notable Moment: When that one chick is killed by a spike bed. I'm always a sucker for spike beds...they just don't get enough love!

Final Rating: 5.5/10

Sleepaway Camp IV: The Survivor Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A dark day has come...

Review: I have been dreading this moment for years but the time has come. Here goes...this is the WORST MOVIE EVER! And you bet your sweet ass that is saying something drastic! It didn't even dawn on me until after the credits began rolling. Unlike pure shit like "Howling 7," "Asian School Girls," or "Severed," I was so stunned by the overwhelming levels of idiocy that it took a few moments for the gravity of the situation to sink in. I'm still trying to suppress the insatiable, homicidal rage!

Wha--what is this?! This isn't a goddamn movie. This is nothing more than shitacular editing of scenes from the previous installments interspersed with shots of some chick in a bikini sunbathing. I mean, maybe if the girl had been of, say, Manami Hashimoto quality that would have been different...but she's not even hot! Then, at the end, there is something with a ranger...who's not really a ranger...and a random hunter that is scared. Next thing you know, bikini girl is standing around in her underwear with a knife, kills that hunter or whatever, and goes after the alleged ranger. The end? THE END?! What the fuck?! Big shock, the clips from the previous entries look like shit and make no sense at all. They set up the edits like their flashbacks but then the edits can sometimes cut back to other entries. Soooo...flashbacks within flashbacks--fashback-ception? Argh. Surprise, surprise, the audio is like two kids talking in a cup connected by string, the acting isn't even as good as the dogs in "Air Bud" part 20, and the film quality consists of a generous helping of Vaseline covering a potato.  Oh god...

At first I considered a higher score because clips of the previous installments are at least worth some points...right? Then I figured why should I reward such absolute laziness when it leads to a greater problem: the whole fucking movie is padding! Oh sure, this was unfinished footage and never intended to be a feature. However, this didn't stop someone from trying to sell this disaster. For that audacity...that unabashed shamelessness...I will not simply forgive anything! SC4 is the unquestionable and uncontested dumbest thing I have ever forced myself to watch. It lacks every single definable quality of a true motion picture. There are fucking snuff films out there with better quality. The average, amateur porn from Ethel and Arthur has more believable acting. The only--and let me stress this--the ONLY reason I didn't give this a damn 0/10 was due to the chick being at least passably attractive. That's it. What an absolute disgrace to all of cinema. I could have said so much more about this trash fire, but I'm already doing everything I can to contain myself from lashing out. To paraphrase Tommy Jarvis, "'Sleepaway Camp 4' belongs in hell...and I'm going to see that it gets there."

Notable Moment: The notable moment is that I didn't stab someone after enduring this nightmare.

Final Rating: 0.5/10

Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Angela is back, yet again, as she pretends to be a camper for some kind of outreach program.

Review: Realistically, "Sleepaway Camp" isn't exactly the kind of film series in need of multiple installments, however, part 3 isn't terrible. Sure, it's not good either, but, as far as part 3s of 80's slasher franchises go, this is acceptable levels of cheesiness. More or less, the tone is exactly the same as SC2 except that the new characters are nowhere near as fun or likable. In fact, the characters are outright fucking annoying. I mean, c'mon, did anyone really want to see the tit patrol get killed in part 2?! Here, I just want everyone to die right away. Angela is also more annoying, stupid, and is defeated idiotically. Not sure what they were thinking at the end.

On the plus side, we do have even more topless girls including Jill Terashita who was that sexy chick in "Night of the Demons." Some of these characters did have potential to be amusing, but there isn't as much time given to showcase them. It's tough to adequately express since you could argue what exactly made, say, the "shit sisters" likable in part 2? Well, characters like the shit sisters were acceptable levels of goofiness. Part 3's lineup are too mean-spirited I guess. Maybe it was the lack of a true camp setting that screws things up. All I know is that I wanted Angela and her band of merry morons to all bite the big one which is a fail. This doesn't mean there isn't still a degree of charm and personality here and there. I simply wished they did something different to push the story line further and in a new direction. I'd say this leaned closer to a part 2.5 then a true part 3. They couldn't even utilize the one kid's dad, mentioned in part 2, properly. By the way, he should have easily been able to kill Angela given he was a cop and within, like, what, a couple feet of closing distance?! Stupid.

If you enjoyed part 2 then there's a decent chance you'll like this entry too. It's not as entertaining, the characters suck, and it lacks that true, fun factor, however, the film still has a few moments to shine. The deaths are on the lame side, yet, there are a considerable amount of them to compensate. I want to say the chicks are hotter this time around, but that's a matter of preference I suppose; almost everyone was a blonde in part 2 and part 3 has a better variety. Finally, it's probably best to envision parts 1-3 as their own trilogy since the following entries after this are...unique...to say the least.

Notable Moment: When Angela and a couple fodder characters find a hockey mask in the lake and talk about it being Saturday the 14th. Cute.

Final Rating: 5.5/10

Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: After years of therapy, and a sex change, Angela returns to camp...as a killer counselor.

Review: While there is no mind-blowing twist, creepy scenes, or even decent special effects, SC2 is surprisingly just as good as part 1...but for completely different reasons. The original is kind of its own thing while part 2 takes on a more comedy-horror approach. In a way, the filmmakers fully embraced the cheesiness at hand, having fun with the material. However, the main entertainment factor is with the amusing and likable characters. There are a ton of them too yet it's easy to keep track of them due to their individualistically (what kind of fucking word am I writing?), goofy characteristics. My favorite characters are, of course, the "tit patrol!" The tit patrol consists of these two, awkwardly horny boys taking Polaroids of the skanks around camp. But they're more than just simple pervs...they feel believable and nail that, deliberately, annoying line delivery perfectly. By the time everyone has been killed, I'm actually a bit disappointed to see them all go. Dare I say, they're lovable victim fodder?

Not to be overshadowed, Angela herself is no longer a quiet weirdo. Instead, she is cracking one-liners with the best of 'em. They even spoof the other slasher icons along the way with nods to Freddy, Jason, and Leatherface. Not sure how a scrawny twig like Angela could kill everyone in camp by herself but okay. The primary story could have been thought out better as there is no clear logic to how Angela could become a camp counselor. Who cares though, right? The deaths are admittedly lame, but I can forgive a small budget. The girls are cute--not really my type--and are topless quite a bit. Can't overlook that...and my boys, the tit patrol, are on the case! There is a general air of shenanigans run amok at certain times, however, it's all in good fun. I promise. Finally, the ending is disappointing when there could have easily been a big climax. Oh well.

Honestly, with a bigger budget, and slightly better acting, SC2 could have actually been better than the original. Alas, it falls short without that twist to cinch things. I can see many not liking part 2 due to all the reasons I love it, but this is a clear distinction between early '80s and late '80s. Pick your poison. Don't get me wrong, SC2 is not a conventionally good film...it simply has a charm and personality that makes it enjoyable. I mean, it's tough to write characters that viewers will want to see die but also want them to continue eating up scenery. For all these reasons and more, I actually highly recommend SC2 to the audiences that will appreciate the cornball nature of '80s slasher sequels.

Notable Moment: Anything and everything with the "tit patrol." Those two kids are awesome! But, come to think of it, why are they like the only actual "kids" at this camp? Why is everyone else high school age or whatever? What kind of fucking camp is this?!

Final Rating: 6/10

Sleepaway Camp Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Years after a bizarre boating accident, a girl and her cousin stay at a camp with a mysterious killer on the loose.

Review: With summer coming to a close, I figured I'd at least tackle something befitting of the season. In this instance, I'm going to tackle the "Sleepaway Camp" series which mostly falls into the cult classic category. Although it's gaining more notoriety, the first entry is basically the one you will want to focus on. Sure, the sequels are passable--and I do actually love part 2--but part 1 is all about that surprise twist you will not see coming at all. Despite the ease to which you can guess the killer's identity, the real twist is in regards to her motive.

It's a shame that this film was initially viewed as another "Friday the 13th" ripoff. It's actually quite cleverly put together and does not fit the classic mold of '80s slashers. Yes, it does depict the whodunnit style, yet, once you know who the killer is, you can re-watch the film and gain an entirely different perspective of the story. That's quite an impressive feat. For example, certain word choices, looks, or approaches to scenes are given better context, and you realize just how much subtlety was implemented. On top of that, there are lots of cool nuances like the killer's shadow forming in the doorway or the creepy head that pops up when the one guy dies under the canoe.

As for the big reveal...it's all about bringing the story full circle which I always adore. The most obvious suspect, Angela, really does turn out the be the killer. In the beginning of the film we see a brother/sister combo and their dad playing on the water right before the father is killed along with one of the siblings dying. It's implied that the sister, Angela, lived, but we come to realize it was actually the brother, Peter, who survived. All this time, Angela is really Peter dressed up to be a girl. Presumably, the sister's name wasn't really Angela either. All of this connects with Peter's crazy aunt not wanting to take care of another boy and deciding to raise Peter as a girl. Couple this mental abuse with Peter's father being gay and Peter tries to rationalize being dressed up as a girl and possibly being romantically attracted to another boy. This revelation is presented well and is intriguing. Furthermore, there is a level of depth to this plot twist that can be heavily analyzed.

Unfortunately, "Sleepaway Camp" is heavily flawed. The acting is mostly trash from everyone, the music is not edited into the scenes coherently (especially that opening title sequence!), many effects are weak, there are numerous contrivances in play to mask Angela as the killer, certain plot elements do not feasibly make sense, and, for the most part, the events of the film are bland until the finale puts everything into perspective. Just to name a few personal gripes: how did Ricky never realize Angela was a boy? Wasn't he ever in a situation where he wondered where Angela came from and what became of Peter and the rest of the family? After all, Ricky appears to be a normal kid. While on the subject of Ricky, why is Angela going to camp at all? It's explained Ricky was going to camp alone all these years yet they're bringing Angela along now...why? How has Angela maintained this deception for so long without once going into an outburst? Speaking of which, why did Angela decide to start killing now? It always bugged me that she killed those random kids sleeping when all of her other victims wronged her in some way; this makes her less sympathetic. Finally, how the fuck would there be some guy who is openly a pedophile roaming around?!

All things considered, "Sleepaway Camp" is surprisingly better than most of its cheap, slasher contemporaries. It's one of the rare instances where you will automatically feel compelled to watch a movie twice in a manner reminiscent to "The Sixth Sense." The attention to detail within the dialogue, and other plot aspects, creates a truly memorable twist and infamous identity reveal. Of course, this is still '80s cheese at its core so it's loaded with shenanigans. Some of it is amusing like the antics with the background characters or the unforgivably atrocious outfits some kids and counselors are wearing. I mean, fuck, it's tough to imagine someone would wear this shit and think it's okay. Seriously...knee-high socks, cutoff short-shorts, and a midriff-exposed, cutoff t-shirt...all on a fully grown man...really?! Yuck. As such, the flaws are heavy and aplenty, but the good outweighs the bad without a doubt. If you're a fan of '80s horror then this a must-see.

Notable Moment: The ending, of course, with "Angela" revealed and hissing mindlessly at the camera. Not sure why she was doing that, but it's a great twist that definitely blew many people away.

Final Rating: 6/10

Slit Mouth Woman in L.A. Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Unsuspecting victims in the USA fall prey to some of Japan's most famous urban legends.

Review: Up front, do not be misled by that title. This film is more akin to an anthology, and the slit mouth woman serves as only a segment/wraparound. As with similar instances in the past, I was intrigued by an East meets West production and this held much potential. Unfortunately, this film is ridiculously low-budget, full of idiocy, and a total waste of that aforementioned potential. Yet, at the same time, I can appreciate what the filmmakers were striving for and the core premise is creative. Furthermore, the filmmakers were having fun with the material, and I can't completely fault them when they understood this was never going to be a mainstream hit.

Slit Mouth Woman (Kuchisake-onna): So the slit mouth woman is supposed to be some kind of disfigured woman, or supernatural entity, that will ask you if she's beautiful. Depending on your answer, she will use her huge shears to slice your face up like hers. There have been many movies about her, though, I've yet to review one. In this instance, some blonde girl believes she is transforming into the titular character. Though the production is home video levels, I kind of enjoyed the premise at hand, and the makeup effects were passable. Between each of the other segments, we cut back and forth to this story with blondie here becoming increasingly disturbed. By the end, she does become the slit mouth woman, however, I did not understand how any of this was happening whatsoever. Blondie's sister was using the power of suggestion or something...? I don't know. I mean, the sister is studying Japanese urban legends, kills blondie, carves up blondie's body and dresses her to look like the slit mouth woman, and then blondie's ghosts actually comes back as the slit mouth woman....I guess. There is a third sister, who we will get to later, but I'm not sure how that was supposed to all connect. Nevertheless, this was okay for what it's worth, but, goddamn, I was about to turn into the slit mouth man if I had to hear blondie scream "MONICA!" one more time!

Kokkuri-san: More or less, Kokkuri-san is supposed to be the ghostly force within a Japanese equivalent of the ouija board. A bunch of movies have this in it--sometimes just for the shits and giggles. Plus, other Asian countries have their own equivalent. Well, Kokkuri-san contributes next to nothing in the plot as it's pretty much a lesbian love triangle with a couple dweeby guys dragged along to raise the body count. We have three chicks working in a maid cafe--mmhmm...maid cafe. Seriously, do those exist in the USA and where do I find one?! Anyway, the three girls are in love with one another or something, but someone starts to kill them off. The editing is already pretty much shit throughout the entirety of the film, however, it's especially bad in this segment. You will think there is an unknown party as the killer never explained, but this is simply due to horrendous editing accompanied by confusing storytelling. In essence, one of the girls is jealous that the other two are dating, kills one of them, and then that first victim returns as some kind of onryo/zombie hybrid. After killing a bunch of people, the ghost is defeated by the last maid pretending to not be a lesbian any longer. Right. The girls are cute, but this segment was especially stupid since it had almost nothing to do with the urban legend. Also, I don't fully understand how the slit mouth woman connected into this tale as they implied.

Furen the Evil Hunter: I tried to look this up since the only urban legends I know about are ones featured in movies. From what I can tell, there doesn't really appear to be any urban legend associated with this entry. If anybody knows, share it with me. What we do get is a spiritualist coming to the USA to supposedly deal with these Japanese, supernatural forces; somehow this involves the devil, an evil priest, and zombies. I guess the filmmakers wanted to indulge the action genre with some DBZ-esque shenanigans and the spiritualist, revealing his name to be Onmyoji, blasts the devil back to hell with a wannabe kamehameha wave. Why not, right? Would have been funnier if they had this guy fighting the slit mouth woman. Despite the overwhelming levels of cheese, I thought this segment was amusing due to the fish out of water setup.

Umeko's Friends: With the final segment, I don't really understand what was supposed to be going on. I guess Umeko is supposed to be a Sadako wannabe? Hell, was that even a Japanese girl under that wig and makeup? Regardless, the plot reminded me of the "Hagane" segment in "Kowai Onna." Some guy helps a Japanese man stranded on the road. With promises of good food and a cute sister, the guys decides to go home with the Japanese man. There, the food is rice with locusts, and the sister, Umeko, acts creepy with giant, disheveled hair. Immediately, the sister loves the guy and tries to bang him but is rejected. Later on, the guy is with his girlfriend when Umeko and her brother try to start trouble. This results in the brother using a kind of voodoo doll to hurt the main guy. Out of nowhere, the one lesbian from the maid cafe brings Onmyoji over to help fight the spell. During this spiritual battle, Umeko's brother dies and Umeko wants revenge, somehow transforming into her own Sadako/slit mouth woman hybrid. In this form, Umeko manages to kill the main guy and his girlfriend and then hangs out with their dead bodies. Finally, it's worth explaining that Umeko is supposed to be the third sister to blondie who became the slit mouth woman. Could have definitely put more effort into linking all the segments, that's for sure.

Overall, I see this film as a missed opportunity. The idea of Japanese urban legends somehow spreading to the USA was awesome, but the phenomenon is not properly explained in the story. I mean, why was any of this happening in the first place? They build up this mystery throughout yet do not deliver. Two of the best Japanese urban legends, teke teke and Hanako, should have been included in place of the spiritualist and Umeko. There needed to be a bigger budget for the production, and the red screen edits were atrocious. Just fucking transition your shots! I am going a bit easy with my rating since I appreciate the effort put forth and ideas at hand; I'll cut the filmmakers slack for their ambitious approach as well. I can't recommend this, but, then again, I watched this on Amazon Prime so if you want to kill some time on a plane ride, or whatever, there's that.

Notable Moment: When Onmyoji even makes a joke about how all they need is Sadako to complete this cast of zany creatures he's fighting. What's kind of funny is that a lot of Asians will reference Sadako as the archetype of long-haired ghosts, yet non-Asians I hear say, "she looks like 'The Grudge'."

Final Rating: 5/10

Beyond the Gates Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: After their father's disappearance, two brothers stumble across a video board game that comes to life.

Review: Here we go again..."Beyond the Gates" could--no, should--have been something extraordinary! Instead, this was an enormous waste of potential and indescribable letdown. With a story that had all the makings of a love letter to the 1980s, I can't understand what the hell happened. Yeah, the budget was peanuts, but, still, virtually everything is off--from the tone to the style to the general aesthetics. Other than a couple synth tracks and the VHS tapes, there's nothing else worthwhile. I mean, I'm picturing this shit to be like "Jumanji" meets "Night of the Demons" or something along those lines. What we get is a whole lot of bullshitting in order to eat up a ridiculously short running time. Seriously, take away the end and opening credits (which were cool by the way), and you're left with a 75 minute film comprised of mostly unrealistic yapping. Argh.

In fairness, the core premise is fucking amazing! You have a cursed, or haunted, video board game that comes to life, altering reality in deadly ways. Two brothers, kids of a father who owned a video rental store (with an affinity for the VHS medium), are dragged into this game in order to free their missing father and save their own lives. Unfortunately, we do not get some epic adventure or bizarre story reminiscent of "The Dungeonmaster." Oh no. The brothers don't start the game until the 25 minute mark and inconsistently take the game seriously for the majority of the running time. They don't even enter the game world until 70 minute mark, goddamnit!

So what are the filmmakers wasting their time dealing with? Pointless family drama that is not executed properly at all. They act like this hunt for the father and having to kill him is somehow dramatic and cathartic. I'm thinking, we don't know jackshit about this dude except that he sure loved VHS. Yeaaaah, just having a character say it was "tough" growing up ain't fucking cuttin' it in my book...not when your dealing with this kind of badass premise. There are also all manner of shenanigans that go nowhere like that dweeby store owner trying to act creepy, why the father had a picture of the chick from the game, and what was the big deal with the video store? There are so many holes in the plot that it's as if every third page of the script were ripped out.

But what really irked me was the complete debacle of paying tribute to the '80s that the filmmakers clearly wanted to depict. Sure, the characters making references to fake movies would have been nicer with real movies--I can overlook that--but where is the cheese factor? Where is the fun or the over the top? Where is the heart? "Beyond the Gates" has little soul. The acting wasn't doing any favors either.

You know what, I can't even declare this a failure...I want this shit redone. FIX THIS! Remake this movie again with a bigger budget and someone who can properly capture the tone and style of the '80s. Get the crew behind "The Void" or "Stranger Things" or just anyone who understands how to do this era justice. Here, I'll help. Skip all the "dramatic" bullshit at the beginning--start the movie off with the brothers (cool with each other and with fun, playful banter) going through the father's video store and discovering the game as your opening scene. Get rid of the girlfriend character and everyone else; they're useless and stupid. Make the brothers go into a surreal world where the video woman appears ethereal and serves as their guide/antagonist. Keep the thing with 4 keys except make each key a neon-colored VHS tape and contained inside an '80s-centric area: maybe a slasher area paying tribute to masked killers, a sci-fi world that is like "Aliens" meets "Tron," a lighthearted, treasure hunt area similarly to "The Goonies" meets "The A-Team," and, last, an action world fighting terrorists and/or ninjas. Or crank this shit up to eleven and mix and match ideas; think "Jem" fighting Jason or Indiana Jones meets DnD. The potential is endless! As the brothers fight their way through the worlds, they claim the keys, get some girls, free the dad, and, hell, save the damn world! Why not, right?

I'm giving "Beyond the Gates" a mediocre rating simply due to my profound love for the basic premise. However, that's about all she wrote for this movie. There are a few decent aspects here and there, but, fundamentally, the filmmakers dropped the ball. This movie is nothing at all as one might imagine or hope it to be. The production is pure amateur hour through and through. Typically, I can forgive this shortcoming but not when the story dicks around with unnecessary scenes, pointless bullshit, and plain meandering with the material. I don't recommend this film since it is nothing more than a disappointment waiting to happen. What a shame.

Notable Moment: When the brothers first walk into the father's video store and are surrounded by hundreds, if not thousands, of VHS tapes. What a beautiful sight.

Final Rating: 5/10

Silver Bullet Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A small town is plagued by murders and only a paraplegic boy realizes the killer is actually a werewolf.

Review: For the most part, "Silver Bullet" is as generic as a werewolf movie can come, however, what saves the story is the amusing dynamic between Corey Haim and Gary Busey. I mean, Gary Busey is pretty much playing Gary Busey, but somehow this enhances the entertainment value rather than detracting from it. Don't get me wrong, there are good ideas spread throughout the film; for example, making the identity of the werewolf a pivotal plot point. But, come on, son, they couldn't even produce a solid werewolf costume! Sometimes the werewolf looks like a damn bear in the shadows, but, when brought into the foreground, he's looking like a scrawny twig and fake as fuck. Also, the constant cuts to the werewolf's eyes and other limbs demonstrates a lack of a proper, and complete, special effect.

Now, "Silver Bullet" is based on a story by Stephen King, but the film only loosely follows the events of the story. This is especially bizarre given that Mr. King also wrote the screenplay. Nevertheless, cooler elements like the werewolf killing people on each holiday are dropped. The main character, Marty, played by Mr. Haim, uses a motorcycle-esque wheelchair to get around which is unique. Having Marty as a paraplegic does offer a degree of originality, yet, there is, realistically, only one scene that fully plays up the potential; we see Marty watching a bunch of kids play baseball and he stares at them longingly. I'm not sure why the sister is the narrator of the events since Marty and the uncle, played by Gary Busey, are the heart of the story. It's tough to adequately express, but Marty and the uncle felt believable together--a genuine sense of love formed from an established relationship between them. This kind of depiction is hard to display in even the best of movies.

The kills are acceptable...I guess...but the gravity of the situation is never instilled properly. Like, the town sheriff, played by John fucking Locke, is just chilling out while his townspeople are being turned into wolfy chow? Or that trash-talking asshole would simply carry on as usual after a bunch of people are slaughtered in front of him? And Marty's best friend is shredded and Marty is mad about fireworks?! AND the uncle is making jokes the same day as the dead friend's funeral?! Yeaaaah, okaaaay. The whole town is supposed to be scared, angry, and paranoid, however, every scene and character reaction would imply the opposite to be true. Should have called in the damn Monster Squad to take care of this shit. "Only one way to kill a werewolf." Damn right, Rudy! Speaking of which, the reveal of the werewolf's identity is done well despite the shoddy effects I previously mentioned.

In the end, "Silver Bullet" is not going to blow your mind and lacks the '80s charm since the events are supposed to take place in the '70s. Despite this, the actors are able to create a different kind of magic through the character interactions. This felt like a real family and, thus, made the characters endearing and you want to see them survive. While the werewolf design needed improvement, and the film's tone needed major adjustments, the film gets the job done in presenting a decent werewolf tale.

Notable Moment: When Reverend Lowe dreams that everyone in town transforms into werewolves during a funeral. Cool scene...though there is a hint of over the top cheesiness.

Final Rating: 6/10