Terrifier 2 Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Art the clown comes back to life to continue his Halloween killing spree, but finds himself up against a new foe.

Review: Essentially, this sequel is a massive upgrade from the first "Terrifier." You have more gore, better characters, an actual mythos forming, as well as a general improvement to production value. Probably the biggest fix is providing purpose to the aimlessness of this series. The Art character has been around for going on 15 years now with shorts that were then put into the "All Hallows' Eve" movie. Part 2 is finally taking him beyond a creepy design and into something that may be be closer to an icon. With that said, this entry presents a different set of problems to deal with.

Starting with what works we can address the direct supernatural elements fleshing out Art and the story. In part 1 Art felt more like a regular human empowered by script contrivances. Here, Art is officially supernatural--resurrected by some kind of demon or whatever. Likewise, this demonic character is implied to be guiding Art to his victims for some greater goal we, as the audience, don't know yet. This notion helps tie together the shenanigans of part 1, and can possibly explain the Art seen within the "All Hallows' Eve" segments.

Next, we have the significant game-changer of introducing the Sienna character. Played by the gorgeous Lauren LaVera, Sienna serves as this franchise's own Laurie Strode or Sidney Prescott. If anything, Sienna is a little more than meets the eye--she both fits the final girl and the chosen one archetypes. I wasn't expecting much from this character at first, but, by the time that battle angel or valkyrie outfit comes on, Sienna transforms into this sexy badass; this is something sorely missing from the genre these days. Ms. LaVera is way too old to be playing a high school kid, but this was definitely a break-out role for her; I'll be sure to keep an eye out for her future horror endeavors.

As for the element that most wanted from this movie (and the thing most advertised): the gore. Was it as gross as viewers alleged? No, but I've seen a lot of splatterfest movies. There are many graphic deaths here that might catch casual moviegoers off their guard; admittedly, most victims are completely destroyed by the sadistic Art. As for the gore-hounds, I think this will satiate them and show off impressive practical effects. There is a lot of red in this movie--let's leave it at that.

With the positives out of the way, let's look at the flaws. First, and foremost, that running time is ludicrous. Part 2 clocks in at almost 2.5 hours! This is a full hour longer than part 1, and, no, there was not that much going on to necessitate that kind of excess. Many scenes could have been cut or shortened to get a tighter edit of the film; however, the pacing is on point for the most part. Now, while I do appreciate the story line that is being built up--what with Sienna's father, the demon taking the form of a dead girl, and explaining the Terrifier as an amusement park haunt--we are left with more questions than answers. Of course, these could be explained in further entries, but, as of right now, it feels like Jar Jar Abrams' infamous mystery box writing which can easily backfire. I'd really hate to see this series go off the rails right after correcting course.

All things considered, I think this was a great direction to take this franchise. The audience wants carnage candy and part 2 delivers. More than that, the series can move forward with a better focus than it started out with which is saying something. While I'd prefer less filler material bloating the runtime, I was way more engaged this time around with Art the clown's wacky hi-jinks. Let's just hope we see more of sexy Sienna and get some answers with "Terrifier 3" apparently on the immediate horizon.

Notable Moment: There are many off the wall moments, but it's just so satisfying when Sienna finally kills that sumabitch Art. Who would've thought a magic sword would fit seamlessly into this story?

Final Rating: 6/10

They Live Inside Us Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A writer looks for inspiration while staying in a, supposedly, haunted house.

Review: A few things to know upfront: first, "They Live Inside Us" is an expanded version of a segment from a different movie called "The Witching Season." I honestly can't remember if I saw that, but it looks like shit. Second, this is yet another example of using Halloween for incidental, advertising purposes. Realistically, Halloween could have been swapped with National Pizza Day and little would have changed. Third, how the hell am I watching another movie starring the same guy from "10/31 Part III?" What are the odds?

So what is even happening here? It's strange, this isn't an outright bad film on the surface, however, it's boggled down by a sense of pointlessness, it looks and feels cheap, and, most egregious of all, it's too long and boring. Maybe this worked better as a short, but, in this state, things come off as bargain-bin "Sinister" minus the scares or production value. There is a twist that--sorta, kinda, maybe---redeems the film as whole, but even the delivery of this idea is confusing and left vague as to what is actually happening anyway.

I can see how this movie would have read better on paper, but the execution simply isn't there. Perhaps the scope was too large for the budget, but the ideas presented could have been simplified in a more meaningful way. For example, the notion that the writer's stories were becoming real, or that he was becoming one of his own stories, could have been shown with aspects bleeding over into reality after each scene. Assuming any of the shite we got was intended to be real in the first place. Overall, I think the user rating online is too low, but I can understand the source of the grievances. This is not a Halloween horror film nor is it even an average horror movie. In some ways a movie so bad that it's infuriating gets more emotion out of me, but this was merely a boring chore I only watched hoping it would be a decent Halloween movie. Alas, I was wrong, and you shouldn't waste your holiday with this level of mediocrity.

Notable Moment: When the random ghost in the sheet appeared toward the end. Maybe I zoned out when they explained it, but where did that come from? It was actually kind of cool.

Final Rating: 4/10

10/31 Part III Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: The third entry in this, increasingly, terrible horror anthology series.

Review: Part 2 was noticeably an improvement over the first entry, yet, here we are, taking a massive step back with part 3. You know, how in the hell does garbage like this have 3 movies already, and we can't get a "Trick 'r Treat 2" after all these years?! That should be a crime. Anyway, expect more of the same garbage-tier storytelling with this entry. I mean, the creators clearly aren't listening to my feedback...sooo...who is even watching this trash besides me?

Fake Trailers: These aren't as entertaining as the ones in part 2, but, hey, at least we get to see some titties this time! That has to count for something. Nevertheless, the fake trailers might still be the highlight of the movie as a whole.

Wraparound: Well, we have yet another return from dollar store Elvira. Obviously the idiots making this series haven't learned a thing, because she continues to only appear at the beginning and end of the film. I just can't grasp why she isn't there at the start and end of each segment to add commentary. Like, isn't that the entire purpose of including a host? All she would need is a corny quip or pun to wrap up the god-awful stories.

House of the Mummy: We start off with the best segment--not that that is saying much--so it's all downhill from here. Some guy is getting divorced and thinks he will earn money by charging people to see his haunted house attraction. While going to an antique store, he finds a mummy decoration that is cursed or whatever. Sure enough, the mummy comes to life and kills the ex-wife and her new boyfriend. By the end, the main guy becomes something like the disciple of the mummy. Eh, it's corny, but felt like an attempt at a "Creepshow" styled story. The character banter was okay for what it was too.

The Locksmith: Um, I guess the killer in this segment uses a doorknob attachment to kill people...some of them at least? I don't know. This was pretty bad but somehow still the second best segment. A couple moves into a house, a killer lives there, he pops up and kills everyone including the realtor and crew. Wowwee. I was not a fan of discount Rorschach either.

Old Man Gross: This is, without question, the worst segment. Forget going beyond good and evil, this is beyond stupid and retarded. I think these actors are supposed to be playing high school kids, but they look like they're in their forties. They break into some guy's house where they decide to immediately start fucking...except they claim he might be a psycho killer. Makes sense. Also, I like how all the characters are speaking loud, and no one can hear any of this in other parts of the house. Needless to say, this is one of the dumbest, most painful anthology stories I've endured. I know I've probably written something along those lines a dozen times at this point, but this one really ranks up there for idiocy and horrendous film making. What a piece of shit.

Hack-in-the-Box: Your guess is as good as mine as to what the fuck was happening in this dumbass story. Way to close out an anthology. Some girls have a demonic jack-in-the-box, and are armed with guns to take down whatever comes out. Of course things do not go as planned with all the girls dying to a pathetic puppet. I don't know what was the point since some of the fake trailers had more depth and explanations than this.

And there it is--part 3 in a terrible anthology series. Is this some kind of money laundering scheme or tax write-off? Believe it or not, I actually thought this might be at least okay since there was an improvement from part 1 to 2. Boy was I wrong. I guess if you're, like, one of the other 25 people besides me watching this shit then go for it. If you're just a viewer looking for a good movie to watch this Halloween then avoid this entire series like the plague.

Notable Moment: During the fake trailers when we see the one naked lady. Look, you know it was the only good moment in the whole movie!

Final Rating: 3.5/10

Spirit Halloween Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers! 

Plot Summary: A group of friends decide to spend their Halloween locked inside the titular, holiday store as zany antics ensue.

Review: Well...this movie is about as good as you'd expect for a glorified product placement to be. So there's that, right? Realistically, "Spirit Halloween" is a cornball kids movie with G-rated scares and themes. This film feels like a lame attempt at an episode of "Goosebumps" yet lacks the twists or characterizations of that series. With that said, I do think this movie can present adequate family viewing for most ages of kids. However, if you're an adult watching this solo, or with other adults, you are going to be sorely disappointed.

On the positive side of things, the film is exceptionally short. Despite this, the story was too shallow and still dragged at times; this could have easily been cut down into a 30 minute TV episode. This story tries to be heartfelt, and I guess it could be in the simplest of ways, but there is this lack of seriousness to anything. For example, the movie wants you to feel like the kids are in danger, meanwhile, these same kids are shooting the monsters with wannabe-Nerf guns. C'mon. Beyond this, the acting, special effects, music, etc. are all by the books levels of average; often times, things dip below average, but I kind of expect levels of mediocrity from this sort of movie.

The main reason why "Spirit Halloween" fails is that it lacks any heart--it has this hollow, AI generated vibe. This isn't to say it's a complete waste of time since it has merit for introducing little kids to horror or something to pop on for early Halloween night. I guess it's that lingering fact that this is merely promotional material for the stores themselves that leaves such a nasty taste in many viewers' mouths. While I do acknowledge that as a massive fault, I could mostly overlook that if it weren't for the sheer blandness to every aspect of the film making. Overall, this is a big pile of meh but at least made relatively competent.

Notable Moment: When the sister gets possessed. The setup is so painfully stupid with her magically tripping over some bouncy balls.

Final Rating: 5/10

Curse of Crom: The Legend of Halloween Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A girl and her friends must figure out how to stop an evil spirit unleashed each Halloween.

Review: I think audience's should be aware of what they're getting into with this one. Other than a single profanity and a non-graphic death, this is essentially a PG-rated, family horror movie. More so, "Curse of Crom" feels like a long episode of "Are You Afraid of the Dark" or "Goosebumps;" knowing this aspect should keep viewer's expectations in check. If you're hankering for that "Halloween" alternative this year then this is definitely not it, however, this is certainly worthy material for the kids and parents to watch once trick-or-treating has ended.

So what are you really getting here? The story blends Celtic mythology with Samhain, the original Halloween. This is probably the best aspect to the film as it addresses the classic beliefs and traditions before the commercialization of the holiday. Beyond that, the characters have a certain, goofy charm to them that keeps things fun; the acting can be a bit hit or miss though. I wouldn't say we reach zany antics level, but you could tell the filmmakers were enjoying themselves while making the movie. Two things that could have been improved were the shoddy effects at times and not nearly enough scares. The bizarre part was they had a respectable Crom costume, so to speak, but there were pointless uses of garbage-tier CGI.

I'm not saying this is a Halloween classic in the making--since it's heavily flawed with massive contrivances--but I do think this fills a void missing in the current landscape. "Curse of Crom" doesn't take itself too seriously, yet, manages to straddle a thin line between true scares and something kids under 10 could handle. Likewise, this movie touches on subject matter few other films have touched on when concerning the actual holiday and its significance. I've probably reviewed more Halloween-themed movies than anyone else on the internet, so trust me when I say this is the rare Halloween-horror made with both parents and kids in mind.

Notable Moment: When Harvey is making that abomination of a sandwich. It's contrived, but I also like how he took the sandwich with him and kept eating it when running from Crom.

Final Rating: 6/10

2:22 Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A man begins to see patterns each day, at the same time, that somehow connect to the woman he has fallen in love with and a tragic event.

Review: Strangely enough, this film is both better than you'd imagine and lacking the substance to make it worthwhile. It's hard to properly articulate what is the problem since the general premise is intriguing, the actors are good, and the production is of reasonable quality. "2:22" wants to tell the tale of a cosmic alignment of fate, love, and loss, yet, is shallow somehow, failing to pull the ideas together or make them feel meaningful in the first place. More precisely, I think there are pacing issues with the twists, the villain (so to speak) shows up too late to the game, and the "answers" to why everything is happening are on the flimsy side.

So what are you getting here? This film is part sci-fi, part romance, and some kind of attempt at addressing destiny on a universal scale. The main guy, Dylan, begins to hallucinate real visions of patterns, as if from a diagram, and patterns of repetitious events; these bizarre patterns happen each day at, you guessed it, 2:22. Just as Dylan experiences this phenomena, he meets Sarah, a conveniently dreamy babe that makes an instant connection with him. Long story short, these two have their fates intertwined along with a third party, Sarah's ex-boyfriend. 

I like the way these events fall into place, however, choosing to make Dylan act like a wacko so early was a poor choice; he should have had a deeper, more developed love with Sarah before trying to convince her of the patterns he sees. Furthermore, I guess you could say the stakes of the film are low considering the wannabe grand scale to the story being told. Why would the literal alignment of the stars connect to these three people dying and somehow, what, being reincarnated? More is being bitten off than can be chewed with this explanation, and it makes less sense the more I think about how little this fits the themes presented.

All things considered, I did still like this movie for what it was, but it's not something I'd really be interested in watching again. This is the sort of movie very much destined for streaming filler. It's not bad, but not really good either, so you can throw it on, watch it, and forget all about it by the next day. Considering this movie wanted to make a statement, I don't believe the filmmakers intended for that kind of mixed reaction. Nevertheless, I'd still say give it a try if the story line piques your interest.

Notable Moment: When we see the holographic art piece of New York City and the shooting. This was actually pretty damn cool.

Final Rating: 5.5/10

Let Us In Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A town is terrorized by cornball, black-eyed brats and only two kids can stop them.

Review: Not to be confused with "Let Me In," this is essentially a lame kid-horror movie based on some equally ludicrous internet superstition. Now, while I can see why people are hating this film, I think it has enough charm to at least be watchable if you're the age of the characters or a parent looking for a safe horror to enjoy with the kiddies. You know, something family-friendly where no one even curses and everyone makes it out safe...well except for that one kid they don't save. But screw him, am I right? Outside of that target demographic, I think the only reason why anyone is giving this a view is because Jigsaw himself, Tobin Bell, has a touted role. I have no doubt this was some kind of favor for somebody involved in the production but, if you are tuning in just for him, don't bother.

What you are actually getting here is PG-rated horror on a low budget to boot; imagine on the level of "Goosebumps" and "Are You Afraid of the Dark" (which I'm failing to review). However, the characters and story are cheesy enough for me to appreciate the effort. The acting can be...uhh, questionable...at times to say the least. On one hand the story wants to be serious--dealing with death, guilt, and grief; yet, in the same breath, one of the main characters says he thinks he "sharted" in what's supposed to be a tense moment. Yeaaah, expect a lot of stupid moments like that. In the end, the kids manage to save the day in the dumbest/easiest of ways, befriend/unite with their bullies, and are thrown a parade by the town...on top of winning a contest and free vacation. Very plausible. Okay, I admit that is so impossibly corny it's good!

I can overlook--even be amused by--shenanigans of this caliber, but I see why others are giving this low ratings. Of course, this is nowhere near the likes of "The Monster Squad," however, there should be an audience out there for this kind quirky fun. Don't get me wrong, I'm not recommending this movie at all or even saying it's good. In fact, it's quite poorly made and, ultimately, idiotic in presentation...I'm merely saying "Let Us In" serves as an offbeat horror film aimed at 7-12 year olds and succeeds in that regard.

Notable Moment: When the kids conveniently make contact with an alien that helps them fight the bad guys. Well...NASA and all the world governments better refund the billions in funding wasted over the decades, because two kids were able to make first contact with shoddy equipment in a garage.

Final Rating: 5/10