Wednesday, June 29, 2016
Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!
Plot Summary: Robots, intended to protect a mall, malfunction and begin killing employees that conveniently threw a party.
Review: Honestly, if the title alone didn't win you over from the start, this isn't going to be your kind of flick. As you might expect, the levels of cheesiness and shenanigans are off the charts. And with Oscar worthy dialogue such as, "you smell like pepperoni," you know you're in for a good time with "Chopping Mall." Now, despite the fun-factor, I can't deny that this is a cheap-looking mess at times and also unforgivably short. They were stretching out the ending credits with still shots and still couldn't get the running time over 80 minutes; Wikipedia claims something about a 95 minute cut, but I don't know where the hell that version is at. In essence, you need to keep your expectations in check slightly since some fans over hype the balls to walls nature of this film.
The ludicrous story revolves around some kind of security robots being tested at a mall. Armed with all kinds of weaponry, the robots malfunction and magically gain a degree of sentience; this is brushed over of course. At the same time, a group of...uhhh...teens(?)...decide they will throw a party after hours this same night. This simply boils down to a group of flunkies fucking right next to one another. I know this sounds like some kind of orgy, but they don't pass partners so...yeaaah...just fucking next to one another. Once the robots notice this little shindig they attack in the best of ways. I think everyone loves when this one bimbo gets her head blown off by, what appears to be, a wannabe laser from "War of the Worlds." But will our flunky heroes just lie down and take this assault? Nope! They grab a bunch of guns and fight back! I love how everyone knows what they're doing and can make improvised explosives as well. Slowly the flunkies are picked off, but they manage to take two of the robots to hell with them. When the last robot is left, the remaining flunky, who just so happens to be the one sister from "Night of the Comet," lures the robot into a paint store to be blown up in the most epic of ways. That final one-liner is presented amazingly. What more could you really want?
A few other things worth acknowledging: let's start with the pizza! We do see a few glimpses within a pizza place, but things are looking a little rough--gotta keep my standards up. Still, shitty '80s pizza is better than shitty pizza nowaday. It was cool that the mall itself is showcased quite a bit to kind of give you an idea of how things used to be. Granted, these shots were probably used for more filler material, but I can accept it. Nevertheless, it reminds me how I used to look forward to mall trips whereas nowaday it's all overpriced junk and virtually 90% women's clothing stores. Fuck that shit! In regards to the actual film's merits, they do not fully take the material seriously which helps; self-awareness goes a long way. At times it did feel like "The Terminator" was an inspiration, but, again, these elements work in the film's favor.
At the end of the day, this is a movie called "Chopping Mall" for fuck's sake. You get what's promised. Could they have taken things up another notch? Sure, but it's still worth your time one way or another. The '80s cheese is in high gear with bad dialogue, fashion, and nonsensical decisions. While there are obvious detriments everywhere--from the production quality to the writing--you have to go with the flow and take things for what they are. I would say track this down, but, be aware, it's a little tamer than you might imagine.
Notable Moment: When they're in that one backroom with random G.I. Joe products. It was tough to make out what each item was, but I could see there was at least a Dragonfly. YO JOE!
Final Rating: 6/10
Sunday, June 26, 2016
Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!
Plot Summary: A salvage crew discovers the ocean liner they are attempting to repair is a literal ghost ship.
Review: You know, "Ghost Ship" receives a lot of undeserved hate. Sure, there are a ton of cornball moments and a serious plot hole at the heart of the premise, but it has a lot to appreciate as well. Supposedly the script underwent major changes before filming, but I like the way things turned out nonetheless. While they could have played up the scares, and pursued an ominous tone befitting of the setting, the action adds to the pacing which, in turn, helps to keep audiences invested. Besides, we don't get nearly enough ocean horror besides creature features and shark movies.
I'll briefly cover the story in order for the plot hole to be understood. Forty years prior, all the people on board an ocean liner are killed, and the ship is left adrift. In the "present," a salvage crew is enticed to recover the ship by a dork named Ferriman. For whatever reason, in all the years I've watched this movie, I never picked up that the guy's name was a, painfully obvious, play on ferryman. But, in my defense, they only said it a couple times while mostly calling him Jack. As you might tell, since I'm pointing it out, Ferriman is not all that he seems. Anyway, the salvage crew agrees to recover the ship which they find easily enough. While exploring the ship they realize they aren't the first to find this ocean liner and the clear implication that the passengers were murdered. When the crew is nearly about to freak out, they stumble upon a large amount of gold. Deciding to ditch the ship and stick with the gold, all hell breaks loose when their salvage ship blows up. This events tears the crew apart as they meander about the ocean liner running across ghosts. Eventually the main chick, Epps, is shown a vision of how the passengers were killed--betrayed by the crew who then turned on one another. However, the greedy crew that was after the gold was actually manipulated by Ferriman. As it turns out, Ferriman is some kind of demon or supernatural being that is adding souls to the ghost ship in order to send them to HELL! After everyone in the salvage crew is killed except Epps, she manages to blow the ocean liner up which frees all the trapped souls. Magically surviving when she should have realistically died, Epps is rescued by a cruise ship and returned to shore. Needing that final fucking zinger, Epps notices Ferriman, still alive after the ocean liner blew up, now boarding the cruise ship with more gold to entice another crew.
I don't know why I love this shot so much, but, hey, you get a young Emily "little Babydoll" Browning.
Okay, so what exactly is the problem with the story? Simply, why the fuck did Ferriman start killing members of the salvage crew before they fixed the ocean liner?! This dumbass' scheme is to fill the ship with souls before it can be sent to hell or whatever. If it is destroyed prematurely then his efforts have failed--he even says this. Yet this guy starts picking people off before they even begin to repair the hole or block it from hitting rocks. Now if you say, well, the salvage crew were going to take the gold and run without doing the repairs...wrong again! This dumbass was the one who showed them the gold in the first place; he could have kept silent. Finally, if you want to say he needed them to be corrupted before he could trap their souls, then that is a yet another fail. Only that dude who tried cheating on his fiance was--sorta--corrupted and the captain had a drink...big deal! No matter how you try to explain it away, this is a plot hole since Ferriman set into motion events counter to his own plan. And, no, he didn't plan it this way--this is called piss poor writing. Two people are credited with writing the script, and that is probably where this plot hole comes from. Other than this primary issue, there are moments of shoddy acting, questionable direction, and all around shenanigans. It's tough to explain, but there is just a general sense of mediocrity to parts of the story.
Now that we're through with the problems, let's go over the positives. The biggest advantage going for the entire film is the awesome opening; we get about 25-30 people all sliced in half. That is how you come out swinging! True, the bar is set extremely high--and the film can't live up to this scene--but it is undoubtedly a highlight. The acting might be shaky at times, but I loved the casual banter between many of the characters. You genuinely feel like these characters know each other well; this is a feat I wish other films would consider. I get that the twist with Ferriman isn't going to dazzle everyone, but it worked for me. This revelation upped the scope and added a layer of mythology to, what would have otherwise been, a by the numbers ghost story. Plus, the way they make Ferriman so overly dorky makes it funny to re-watch upon subsequent viewings. Last, it just wouldn't be me if I didn't acknowledge Francesca's spectral tatas!
I perfectly understand why plenty of people might not enjoy this movie, but it's still competently put together. There are a plethora of good ideas even if they aren't fully utilized. The opening death scene is legendary, yet, this fundamentally hurts the final impression for the audience as the film itself can't maintain that level of quality. When you factor in the gaping plot hole with the many instances of mediocrity, the score is severely lowered. Nevertheless, I think there are more than enough positive aspects to warrant a fairly decent rating. To sum it up: "Ghost Ship" is better than critics make it out to be but nowhere near as good it should have been.
Notable Moment: The opening sequence of course. Even if you hate this movie you have to admit that this scene is memorable in the best of ways.
Final Rating: 6/10
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!
Plot Summary: In the future, Earth is overpopulated by the poor and desperate while the rich live in a massive space station known as Elysium.
Review: In two words: utter disappointment. I can't believe people told me this was good. Did we watch the same movie? Okay, the first half was kind of cool, but this movie becomes horrendously bad by the end. The contrivances, the ridiculous MacGuffin, the ham-fisted social commentary, and all around zany antics--the fuck?! This is like the inbred cousin of "District 9" without any of the character development, fun, or imagination. Granted, this was written and directed by the same guy...sooo...does that mean he is creating derivatives of his own work? I mean, really, try and tell me these two films aren't disturbingly similar--oh, right, they made Wikus the villain this time...big whoop. Jodie Foster's fake accent alone was enough to kill this for me!
Right out the gate the film is heavy-handed with the political agenda by showing "illegals" getting killed by cartoonishly evil bad guys on Elysium. But, what's this, the people only want medical treatment? GASP! Argh, those dastardly corporations never helping people! Come on, there are ways to present this scenario without it being cornball as fuck. This leads to one of the most outlandish MacGuffins in recent memory: the illusive, all-powerful "med-bay." Oh good lord. You're telling me the Earth is in shambles yet we developed technology so advanced that all you do is get scanned by this wannabe tanning bed for 30 seconds and any ailment or disease in existence is instantly cured?! Riiight. And Elysium won't share this technology because...well...because the plot says so! They're bad guys! Why can't people steal this technology? If they can crack Elysium's system, surgically implant computers and robotic suits, and space travel seems arbitrary, why can't they replicate the med-bays? It just feels beyond forced. Likewise, the bad guys have pathetic motives and taking over Elysium looked like a walk in the park. What was it--like 4 guys momentarily took over the whole thing?! Where the hell are all the robots in this movie? If they are mass producing them like crazy, why do we see like 4 doing anything all film long? Awfully convenient if you ask me. The ending is also incredibly stupid as Elysium is set up to allow all people to come there. Umm...what stops anyone from simply changing that right back to the way it was before? Don't even get me started on the dumb love interest and her stupid brat. Goddamn this movie is a trainwreck--it's pissing me off just thinking about it.
I'm going to give this film a decent rating simply because of the special effects (once again). There are a few interesting elements scattered about especially in the beginning. Some of the actors were decent, and I can definitely tell the direction was at fault in this situation. If this didn't feel so much like a bastardized "District 9," I might have cut it some slack. The movie wants me to feel bad for the poor people of Earth, but I don't. The film believes itself to be telling an epic story yet the scope does not even come close to matching that vision. Trying to give everyone a magical tanning bed is nonsensical when it would make more sense to create bootleg versions on Earth. Realistically, these items would be manufactured on Earth anyway which makes the movie that much more idiotic. If you took away actors like Matt Damon, and the bigger budget, this would be sci-fi channel levels of shit--probably a 4.5/10.
Notable Moment: That stupid scene with the little girl giving her bandages to Matt Damon. Awww, see, you have to help out these good people, Matty-boy!
Final Rating: 6/10
Monday, June 20, 2016
Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!
Plot Summary: After coming to an unexpected stop, a train and its passengers are assaulted by a pack of hungry werewolves.
Review: Meh, with a plot like "werewolves on a train," I guess it delivered what was promised. Still...the ending was stupid, and the look of the werewolves was unforgivably bad. Maybe if the story was a tad more lighthearted, or poked fun of itself, that could have offset the mediocre nature of the film. Admittedly, this could have turned out amazing in the right hands, but this is casual fare at best. I don't imagine anyone giving this one a second thought once it's over; "Dog Soldiers" it ain't!
Things start off promising enough as we meet the main character, Joe, who is forced to work a midnight shift right after already working a full shift. That kind of sleepy and defeated tone is established surprisingly well especially once we meet the goofballs riding the train. I hope the film did not intend for me to cheer for these people, because all I wanted was to see them ripped to shreds by werewolves. Well, I did want the engineer dropout to survive--that guy was actually really cool; in fact, he was a bona fide badass. Sometime into the ride, the train stops after hitting an animal that, maybe, the werewolves were munching on. The conductor gets killed by a werewolf while investigating, and the train becomes disabled. From the shadows the werewolves look decent, but, when you see them in their full glory, they look like shit. They aren't hairy at all--they're like hairless yetis or something. It's quite disappointing. On top of that, they try to give us a transformation sequence with an old lady that was bit, but that too is disappointing. Didn't this crew understand the concept of a werewolf? When the passengers try to work together to fight the werewolves the film picks up a bit. Unfortunately, this is brought down by further stupid actions from the characters who, of course, all end up dead. To wrap things up, Joe is magically turned into a werewolf for no discernible reason; I guess they wanted him in the pack? They kill this last douche despite it being daytime? Either that or they used shit-lighting for night. And to cap us off is the one chick teleporting to a train station despite the douche leaving first but still in the woods? Whaaaaat? Maybe chalk it up to shoddy editing, because something went wrong.
If you're looking for a novelty film, well, werewolves on a train might be up your alley. If you want a legitimately good werewolf tale, this isn't going to cut it. The core ideas are commendable, and the film makers do succeed at certain points. Keeping the werewolves in the shadows would have worked infinitely better since the special effects weren't cutting it. Likewise, ditching the typical weaknesses of werewolves, and making shit up as they go, was unexplained. I mean, if bashing one of their heads in with a fire extinguisher worked, why didn't fire? Overall, maybe this is worth a passing watch, but there are way better alternatives out there.
Notable Moment: At the end, when they cut to the chick at the train station. Seriously, what the hell is that all about? How did she get there so quick, and what station is this? It sure is bumpin'! This sloppy editing or outright idiocy really confused me when they were suddenly cutting back and forth with the douche in the woods.
Final Rating: 5.5/10
Sunday, June 19, 2016
Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!
Plot Summary: A documentary crew chronicles the daily life of an Alzheimer's patient who holds a dark secret.
Review: Man, they fucked this one up big time. This film started off incredibly strong--and even had me on edge a bit--but then it deteriorated into sheer nonsense by the end. Maybe this disastrous transition of quality was meant to be symbolic of the actual Alzheimer's disease? Or...maybe they simply dropped the ball. I'm not sure of the exact moment that the train came off the rails, but it was incredibly disappointing once you learn the truth of what's happening. More so, the way everything is resolved is absolutely painful to behold and makes you wonder how they even coordinated the initial atmosphere to begin with.
Well, what did work? The exploration of Alzheimer's, the way it hurts the individual, and the effects regarding memory are themes they address thoroughly, independent of the horror elements. Care is definitely taken in presenting the disease and also making the characters feel believable when coping with the situation at hand. Speaking of which, the acting was decent from all the players; everybody turned in respectable performances with a few moments of genuinely funny and realistic dialogue. I did like the usage of forgotten memories in order to shape the narrative and build tension. The curiosity of what's happening enhances the atmosphere which already plays out like an edgier version of "Paranormal Activity." Although they abuse jump scares like no one's business, many are at least done in a way that keeps you on edge due to the unpredictability of their usage. For example, one that worked well was when that hipster douche was looking at Deb's paintings that had a dark figure grow closer and closer to the window only for Deb to appear and speak in a manly voice; then she somehow opens up a nailed window without touching it. My thing with the jump scares is that they were at least adequately creepy.
As for the failures, the glaring issue is the realization that this isn't some kind of demonic possession after all. Sure, they went outside of the box and took a gamble, but it was a total debacle and failure of execution. Instead of playing it safe, we find out there is this phantom serial killer that Deb killed when she was younger to protect her daughter. Deb and a friend covered this up but somehow the spirit is possessing her now while in a weakened state. Moreover, this serial killer is trying to do a moronic ritual with snakes and shit and whatever the hell was happening. This spirit wants a little girl at Deb's hospital to complete his ritual that will make him immortal or something. Shocking no one, the killer succeeds despite the leads seemingly defeating him. The film ends with a cornball, evil little smirk at the camera like we haven't seen that a million times before. All of this is presented badly and...just...ugh. And Deb taking on snake features and practically turning into a giant snake at the end...whaaaat?! Finally, the abundance of contrivances were not helping especially when you factor in that jump scare abuse.
A part of me still wants to recommend this since the first half or so was surprisingly awesome. I kept thinking this must be some kind of sleeper gem people are missing out on...until the stupidity began and I realized why no one brags about this movie. I do appreciate the effort to ditch the cliches of demonic possession, but this is not a better alternative. There are plenty of great ideas present, however, the unsatisfying, or outright annoying, ending hurts the final impression, leaving a bitter taste in your mouth. Still, as far as films go in this sub-genre, this was better than average. This is another film I can picture others really loving more than me or outright hating.
Notable Moment: When Deborah is creepily staring at the camera with a grin while playing the piano.
Final Rating: 5.5/10
Saturday, June 18, 2016
Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!
Plot Summary: After getting into--you guessed it--a fender bender, a girl is stalked by the deranged driver.
Review: I really wasn't expecting much from, what appears to be, a made for TV movie, however, this one happily surprised me. Although it is loaded with cliches out the ass, and a 5 minute premise stretched into 90, the tale is told effectively and has a ballsy ending worthy of respect. Yeah, I definitely did not see that one coming. In fact, I was teetering on whether to give this a 5 or 5.5/10 for most of the running time until the ending saved the entire experience. Well...that and the pizza scene of course!
You can easily tell the inspiration for the story came from someone's real life. The film keeps stressing how weird it is that strangers exchange private information after a minor car accident. You can almost picture the writer/director sitting around telling people how dangerous this concept is until someone was like, "They should make a movie about that." And here we are. Ehh...this plot line probably could have been condensed down to a short, but it works better than you'd imagine. The story focuses on a serial killer who gets into accidents with his victims so that he has all the information he needs to stalk them. This time around he is going after a high school girl named Hilary. Due to contrivances with a cheating boyfriend, much of the killer's antics are misinterpreted by Hilary and her flunky friends. Realistically, Hilary is an idiot who should have called the cops multiple times but oh well. After toying with the girl for a time, and picking off her friends plus the cheater, Hilary decides she's had enough in the most stereotypical of ways. I kept thinking that this killer was getting beat too easily, but this is to lull the audience into a false sense of security. Believe it or not, they actually make the killer win! After much chase, the killer catches and kills Hilary despite all the hallmarks of a cliched, Hollywood ending in the making. Hey, I gotta give them credit for that one. Sure, plenty of films have the villain win, but you usually sense it coming in advance. This film, on the other hand, played it by the numbers all the way. Hell, even when he first stabbed both of Hilary's legs I kept thinking she will magically get out of this scenario but nope. The film simply ends with the killer looking for his next victim. It also implies he takes money from his current victim in order to fill his gas just enough to lead him to the next victim.
Other than the pizza and ending, I thoroughly enjoyed the music. It was trying to sound '80s-ish--and not fully succeeding--but was still decent and enhanced the tone they were striving for. The killer had a lot of potential to expand upon yet I felt they didn't present him adequately. He came off far too creepy when I think someone like this should have been superficially charming. Rather than unsettling Hilary with a questionable choice of words, the killer should have been almost flirting in a way to disarm the victim. You know, throwing in compliments that fish for information and such...I mean...uhh...I don't know anything about how to be a serial killer. Also, what's with the gimp suit? That absolutely doesn't fit this guy's persona whatsoever. If he loves his car that should incorporate more into his style rather than just running over one of Hilary's friends. Maybe if we get a sequel we can see this guy fleshed out more. As for Hilary herself, the actress, Makenzie Vega, takes the role more seriously than I thought she would which helped. No one was exactly turning in stellar performances, but the cast worked well enough with the material given. Though...I have to say, the character stereotypes were painful to behold. You've got the iconic good girl, the douchebag jock, the flamboyantly gay guy that keeps stressing how gay he is in case you couldn't tell, and the bitter bitch wondering, unironically, "where have all the good men gone?" This is the best you got--really? Thank god the killer took care of all of 'em.
All things considered, this turned out better than a lot of big-budget films. The basic plot is simplistic and clearly stretched out with filler scenes, but it's done tastefully enough with a moderate attempt at building atmosphere. The vast majority of the story is generic and nothing you haven't seen a million times before. Despite this, the general production and presentation are above average with a few glimpses into a deeper potential. But what really clinches the experience is the satisfying ending that elevates this above just another time waster you forget about the moment the credits have begun to roll. This conclusion is not original, but it does feel shocking given the cookie cutter nature of everything else. I'd recommend checking this out if you see it on Chiller or wherever; not sure if this will get a DVD release or not so that might be the only option. Just don't expect to be blown away or anything.
Notable Moment: When Hilary and her friends are having a little pizza party. Need I say more? It's PIZZA! Plus, they actually spent a fair amount of time eating it, and the killer even had a slice!
Final Rating: 6/10
Monday, June 13, 2016
Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!
Plot Summary: After her brother is murdered, and her arm cut off, a schoolgirl goes on a rampage of glorious vengeance!
Review: First and foremost, this movie is not meant to be taken seriously. You'd think that would be a given, but you would be surprised by how many reviewers evaluate this film from a realistic perspective. There is an entire sub-genre, if you will, of low-budget, splatterfest movies that Japan churns out with this being, in my opinion, the best of the bunch. The filmmakers were striving for a fun experience and, mostly, succeed in their efforts. This is the precise reason why this movie is awesome whereas something like "Asian School Girls" is a blight to cinema itself. If you go into this expecting a thought-provoking journey of revenge you will be sorely mislead. This film delivers exactly what you should expect: a sexy schoolgirl killing everyone in her way in the most ridiculous manner possible while simultaneously going balls to walls with shenanigans just because they could!
Fountains of blood should be the only expectation you have here.
Not that there's a lot to it, but I'll quickly go over the story. The main character, Ami, is like the surrogate mother to her younger brother after their parents died. When the brother is bullied by a group of thugs at school, he and his friend are killed for fighting back. I just want to mention that when the friend starts fighting he does like a fake super Saiyan thing. Anyway, Ami tries to peacefully seek justice in the aftermath as she doesn't fully know what happened. Instead of a reasonable response to her efforts, the parents of one of the bullies try to kill her. Snapping and going berserk, Ami kills these idiots and begins down a path of bloody revenge. Upon learning that the ringleader of the bullies is the son of a Yakuza boss, Ami sneaks into their home for a surprise attack. When she's captured, Ami is tortured and has her left arm cut off. Managing to escape, Ami is nursed back to health by the parents of her brother's friend that died. As mechanics, they outfit Ami with a gun-arm and plot to take the fight to the Yakuza. Fighting their way through ninjas and the family members of bullies Ami is killing, the parents of the friend die. Taking the final battle to the Yakuza family, Ami finally does kill everyone including the ringleader who killed her brother. Attempting to commit suicide, Ami stops at the last minute which leads back to the opening scene which demonstrated that Ami continued hunting down bullies rather than dying.
This is my kind of girl.
To start, the single best aspect (and biggest, initial draw for me) has got to be Minase Yashiro as the Machine Girl herself. Ms. Yashiro, a gravure idol (which is Japan-lingo for a specific kind of lingerie/bikini model), is so damn beautiful and sexy. While she hasn't shown the levels of skin as some of the other cast members, you can thoroughly...uhh...research her work if so inclined. Clad with her classic schoolgirl outfit, Gatling gun/chainsaw for a left arm, impossible feats of strength and durability, eagerness to kill any and everyone who wronged her, and, of course, plenty of upskirt shots, you can't help but be attracted to her. But what really seals the deal is Ms. Yashiro's absolute conviction to the role; she plays it totally straight in contrast to the material and cornball dialogue. I swear, you can actually feel her enjoyment with the role channeling through the screen.
Smirking, sexy Japanese schoolgirl covered in blood is strangely arousing...
Not to be outdone, the other characters are equally outlandish. The villains are incredibly stupid, cowardly, and arrogant which makes their deaths ever so satisfying. Of course I must address the ringleader's mom who is an ex-pornstar as well as the mom of the friend who died; these two go by the simple names of Honoka and Asami. Asami was actually in the second "Iron Girl" movie, but you can further check out the...ahem...work of these two in your free time. Setting aside the abundance of hot chicks, I have to admit the acting is lame, but the line delivery kind of adds a cheesy layer of charm. I especially liked the trash talking and other taunts--definitely amusing.
Asami and Ms. Yashiro...
...and can't forget Honoka.
Okay...so maybe you're thinking, "I don't give a flying fuck about sexy Japanese girls!" What's in it for you? Well, for one, fuck you--you have shit taste. For two, I've rarely seen a film revel to this degree in their cheapness and shoddy effects. I guess if you're low-budget, you might as well embrace it, right? As I mentioned, this is a splatterfest--there are gallons upon gallons of blood spilled by the time the credits roll. Bloodbath is an understatement...in fact, a character is literally soaked in blood while trying to take a bath! People are cut to pieces, limbs are ripped off, decapitations...you name it. All of this is depicted in a cornball manner yet it is intentionally played for laughs. For example, one ninja is trying to honestly reflect spurts of blood with his sword or a guy with a hole blown clear through his face somehow manages to still scream. It's simply amazing to behold shenanigans of this caliber. I mean, dude, there's a drill bra for fuck's sake! This is a case of having to see it to fully believe and appreciate it.
To paraphrase a Quentin Tarantino bit, "Even though she's covered in blood, would you still jam her?" I'D JAM EVERY CHICK ON THAT SET!
The last thing worth acknowledging, which is an extension of the effects, is the just the notion of having fun with the material. I hate to sound pretentious, but this is either something you will get or not. And I don't mean that in terms of understanding but more along the lines that this is a niche interest. Over the top deaths, blood everywhere, ridiculous scenarios, and sexy girls everywhere works wonders for me in this particular case. This goes back to what I was saying about bonus points in regards to my rating scale. "The Machine Girl" is not a "good" movie by any stretch of the imagination, but it throws in so many things I love that I have to overlook the shortcomings. Furthermore, the filmmakers fully realized the situation at hand and played to their strengths. You have to give credit where credit is due, and this self-awareness is an important part of film making. This crew knew what they were doing and accomplished their goals exceptionally well.
This is the kind of girl you bring home to mom...and also get revenge for mom with.
I fully realize this is not a movie for everyone, but, if your interest is even slightly piqued, you should check this out for yourself. There is even a dub version, which is noteworthy, so if you hate subtitles they have you covered too. While I initially came (hehe) to see Minase Yashiro because of that eye-catching, DVD cover, I stayed for the abundance of shenanigans and excessive amounts of gore. I often compare other films to "The Machine Girl," because it demonstrates that you can successfully create a movie for cheap, make it entertaining, and have fun all at the same time. After all, film is a medium of entertainment which critics sometimes seem to forget with their heads firmly placed up their asses. I'm not saying this film is good in a conventional sense, but it is fucking amazing in its own right.
Notable Moment: Still gotta go with that drill bra. So corny but so awesome at the same time.
Not the worst way to be killed that's for sure.
Bonus: Shyness Machine Girl...featurette? This is a sequel-ish short that supposedly came with the Japanese DVD. I really don't know, because I had to watch it on youtube. This involves Ami's friend, Yoshie, that died in the main film and is now magically resurrected with a machine gun in her ass. While Yoshie, played by Noriko Kijima, is hot in her own way, she's got nothing on Minase Yashiro as Ami. But this isn't the problem--the problem is that this short is stupid. Sure, "The Machine Girl" doesn't follow rules of reality, but it at least made it clear that when you died it was over. In this short they bring back characters who were cut to pieces and say they were miraculously saved. This could have worked, but it feels forced. In fact, the entire scenario felt like they were filming on their own time rather than having anything scripted. It's hard to explain, but it simply lacks the entertaining qualities of the main feature. Most annoying of all, not including Ms. Yashiro was a huge failure. I'd much rather they put effort into making a proper sequel than bolstering the special features of a DVD. If I rated this separately...ehhh...I'd give it a 5/10 simply for the prolonged shots of Ms. Kijima's sweet ass.
Had to include this shot no matter what.
Friday, June 10, 2016
Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!
Plot Summary: At the close of WWII, a woman and her children come to believe their house is haunted.
Review: I don't know how many times I've spoiled this movie's twist, but, before I do it again, it's definitely time to knock out a review. In essence, this is a masterful ghost story that keeps things simple yet manages to be immensely scary. The filmmakers opted for a "less is more" approach which works wonders due to the ominous tone and foreboding atmosphere established within the setting. If that weren't enough, the intrigue is heavy as we see an ongoing mystery building up in the background. And, of course, what pulls it all together is that fantastic twist that leaves the viewer satisfied with a memorable payoff.
To quickly run down the story...we have Nicole Kidman playing an eccentric mother living in a huge mansion with her sickly children. Not gonna lie, there is some next level, milf of the millennium shit going on here. As WWII reaches its end, the family awaits the return of the father, but, instead, they are met with 3 shady characters who wish to become the help for the mansion; this includes an old man, old woman, and a mute girl. Since the previous workers quit out of the blue, the mother readily welcomes their assistance. Not long after the help's arrival, the children begin whispers about ghosts in the house which the mother eventually experiences as well. As the help lurk in the background, fully aware of what is really happening, the mother tries to come to grips with the possibility that the house is haunted. When the father does come home and disappears shortly thereafter, the family learns that the help are actually ghosts and hid their own graves from the mother. However, still trying to figure what phenomenon she's been experiencing, the mother meets "the others" that have supposedly haunted her house. As it turns out, the "ghosts" were the current residents of the home trying to communicate with the spirits of the house. In other words, the mother and the children are also ghosts--she and the kids are the ones actually haunting the house! The film ends with the family coming to terms with their otherworldly situation while the current residents bail on living in a haunted house. Talk about catharsis.
First and foremost, much of this film's success can be attributed to effective use of atmosphere. The dark corridors, the candlelit rooms, the thick fog surrounding the home...this sense of dread and claustrophobia are crafted beautifully. Adding to this is how authentic everything feels--from the set designs to the props right down to the clothing. Aesthetically, this is how you depict a haunted house story properly. Not to be outdone, the actors, especially Ms. Kidman, give moving performances that make this all feel believable. You'd think having the kids in prominent roles would be a huge failure in the waiting, but they're surprisingly quite good and not annoying. Another important aspect is how seriously the actors take the material; this helps make the fear and paranoia influence the audience. As I alluded to, the minimalism of actual "ghost" sightings by the audience enhances the buildup; you are waiting to finally get a glimpse. This doesn't mean there aren't cool set pieces strewn throughout. Obviously most would have seen the old woman in the veil from the trailer or parodies. There is also only one, real jump scare so the film fully relies on true fear--a feat worthy of note. Lastly, the twist is presented amazingly. You don't really see it coming, but the hints are undeniably there; this aspect makes re-watching the film a worthwhile pursuit as well. Sure, the reveal is not 100% original, but the style and way of going about it is unique.
Although these are mostly nitpicks, there are a few problems that should be addressed. Admittedly, there are a plethora of contrivances that must exist for the plot to get rolling. The only one that makes me think deeper is the implied notion that all ghosts in the location will occupy the same space. If that's true then thank god they're in a giant ass mansion! Imagine all these people dying in a one bedroom apartment! Talk about fucking HELL! I do feel the father's return creates problems and kind of hurts the pacing. If he's doomed to roam the battlefield or whatever, how come he could come home right when the mother tried to escape? By the way, I do love the way the fog gets thicker as she tries to leave the limits of her eternity. Anyway, are we to believe the father came home just to tap dat ass (which I totally sympathize with!)? Then there is the issue of reality-warping. The whole "where are the curtains" aspect makes no sense if the ghosts see what they want to see. Likewise, the characters are shown eating...does this mean the food re-materializes or what? Don't get me wrong, we could debate reasons for everything or explain away confusion, but I want to acknowledge the film does have its flaws.
Overall, this is a must-see for horror fans, and I think casual audiences would still appreciate the merits of the story. The mystery is intriguing and you really want to see where the story is heading; and not to disappoint, the destination is just as engrossing as the journey. The look of the film is flawless and the actors turn in commendable performances that help to captivate the viewer. While there may have been a few plot oversights, the story is first-rate, worthy of classic status.
Notable Moment: When Victor is seemingly in the room with Anne and Nicholas. This is just such a powerful scare despite showing almost nothing.
Final Rating: 8.5/10
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!
Plot Summary: After a mysterious comet disintegrates most of humanity, two sisters must contend with the remaining zombies, psychos, and scientists.
Review: Is there such a thing as too much '80s cheese? Nah. If you want a movie that essentially epitomizes the goofiness of the era, you will not be disappointed with "Night of the Comet." But it's more than that--there is the '80s magic, I've mentioned before, that makes the film fun and entertaining. While the story tries to incorporate more ideas than the director could handle, they still manage to pull off a few surprises. Undoubtedly, there are flaws--and they are aplenty--but the overall production is impressive given the paltry budget. Modern audiences, or someone watching it for the first time, probably won't appreciate it, but, for me and anyone old enough to remember, this plays heavy on the nostalgia.
From the moment you see the main chick, Reg, trying to dominate the scoreboard of "Tempest," you should know what kind of movie you've gotten yourself into. By the way, any '80s dork worth his salt should immediately feel a sense of deja vu since Reg is played by Catherine Mary Stewart who also starred in "The Last Starfighter" earlier that same year; and, of course, an arcade cabinet was crucial to that plot. Just an interesting tidbit worth addressing. Anyway, Reg and her sister, Sam, become one of the few survivors of a cataclysmic event due to an ancient comet that also seemingly killed the dinosaurs. The film claims that if you were enclosed by steel you avoided the effects, but, seriously, a lot of people should have survived under those conditions. Nevertheless, the...uhh...energy, I guess, of the comet has disintegrated anyone exposed with the exception of those who had a smaller dose. Those individuals disintegrate slower and become crazed zombies. Yes, this movie tried to go balls to walls which you have to love.
Despite being cliched Valley girls, Reg and Sam were trained by their military father to fight and use weapons which comes in handy during an apocalyptic scenario. The sisters eventually meet a love interest for Reg as they attempt to make contact with other survivors. During these events we are shown a science base that seemingly knew the effects of the comet in advance. At first they hype this one bitch scientist as the bad girl, but, as the story progresses, we learn the opposite is true--the bitch is trying to protect the survivors of the comet. The audience is meant to believe survivors are being taken to the base for safety, but the scientists were idiotically exposed to the comet and want blood from survivors to craft a cure. In other words, the scientists are selfishly plotting to kill the last healthy humans in a vane effort to save themselves which could possibly doom everyone. I do like this little twist, and it works well. With the assistance of the love interest and that bitch scientist, Reg and Sam manage to foil the scientists' scheme and blow them up for good measure. At the end, Reg, Sam, the love interest, and two kids are all that's left until they meet a foreshadowed character dubbed "DMK." This part is kind of dumb since DMK managed to get on "Tempest's" scoreboard earlier to Reg's dismay. I think it would have made more sense if DMK turned out to be her love interest, but he apparently gets with Sam. Oh well.
What really seals the deal here is the soundtrack, the cornball nature of the characters, and the over the top situation coupled with how the characters handle it. On top of that, there is the fact that the movie is so '80s, from the sounds to the lights to the sets. Like...I don't how else to explain it--you kind of get the full gamut of how it would be; even if you find the story underwhelming, you gotta at least appreciate this little slice of the '80s. Setting all of that aside, the main detriments I could see being levied would be lame line delivery, shoddy acting, and the pacing is definitely uneven. If you don't give a flying fuck about the '80s, you will probably find little to love here. However, if you enjoy end of the world movies and/or love this time period, you should be pleasantly surprised with the level of fun involved. This might not be on par with the likes of "The Monster Squad," but it's certainly worthy of acknowledgement in its own right.
Notable Moment: When Sam has her little (wet) dream within a dream. I kind of liked the idea of zombie cops too.
Final Rating: 6.5/10
Sunday, June 5, 2016
This is a special Rika request. Scroll down for the full list of what equates at each point level!
I probably should have done this from the beginning, but it's high time I explained how I determine a film's final rating. This will be used as a reference guide from here on out at the top of the blog. Also, I want to reiterate that I try to be as fair and objective as humanly possible. It should go without saying, but I don't just throw around 1s and 10s based arbitrarily on whether or not I liked a movie. Yet, I'm sure anyone who has read my reviews has thought at one point, "what is this guy smokin'?" Well, here is the breakdown of how I operate.
What is Relevant?
There are two main contributors to the score of 10. One half is in regard to the production quality. This includes things like cinematography, music, special effects, etc. Essentially, all of the technical aspects, and the items easiest to control by the filmmakers, are in their own category. After all, the merits of a competent crew should not be disregarded because of a script written in crayon. So, if a movie looks and sounds amazing, regardless of overall quality, it can still achieve the maximum potential in production quality. Another important part is my forgiveness for low-budget versus high-budget. I try to take into account what the filmmakers had to work with which is why I usually go easy on low-budget movies. I believe this leniency is the only way to be fair...assuming they don't squander their budget anyway. To sum it up, this is why a movie that I hate, like "The Force Awakens," can still end up with a 6.5/10; it's production quality heavily compensated for the horrendous plot problems.
The other half of the equation is significantly more subjective: the story and characters. I will add that I lump acting into this category as well since it is up to the actor to bring a character to life in a meaningful way. Needless to say, the story is the single most important part of any movie unless we're dealing with a musical or something. What might be good or entertaining for one person might be the "worst movie ever" to another person. I try to look at things from multiple perspectives including the casual viewer, critics, elitists, and even groups like the potheads and idiots. This is why I sometimes factor in how would others react to things that wouldn't bother me especially when it comes to horror movies. Just because I've seen people ripped limb from limb doesn't mean the target demographic may have. Regardless, you can't help what you like, and, as they say, there's no accounting for taste. I just make sure to justify my decisions every time.
Finally, there are, what I refer to as, bonus points. You may have noticed the many lovely ladies I feature on this site. Well, they are one aspect of what constitutes possible bonus points. Pandering, fan service, T&A, tasteful shenanigans, shots of pizza, nurse and/or schoolgirl outfits, theme songs based on the film's title, casting a member of Hello! Project, killing Channing Tatum, etc. can, on occasion, boost a final rating. This is why films like "The Machine Girl" can get such a high rating.
Sexy Japanese girl, schoolgirl outfit, clothes getting ripped off for no reason, Gatling gun for an arm...that all has to count for something!
The Rating System
The highest honor a film can achieve (save for that one 11/10 I gave to "Yo-Yo Girl Cop"). I reserve this rating for a film that is as close to perfection as a movie will probably ever get.
Ex. "Star Wars: Episode V The Empire Strikes Back"
This is for films that are so close to perfection that you can taste it. However, one problem or another holds it back.
Ex. "The Ring"
For films that are legendary, but they possess at least one glaring flaw or some other, considerable detractor such as a bad character.
Ex. "The Monster Squad"
Still in the legendary zone, but maybe a technical flaw is screwing things up or a huge plot hole was overlooked.
The last tier of legendary status where the debate becomes more real. Maybe it's amazing, maybe a bit overrated, but still undeniably awesome.
Ex. "Trick 'r Treat"
We are now in greatness territory. There are flaws, errors, or limitations that hold back the film in some capacity, but it's still far, far above average.
Ex. "Dark City"
This spot is for films that are great, but there is something significant keeping it out of legendary status such as bad special effects or an actor hamming it up.
Ex. "It Follows"
Definitely above average, remarkably good even, but the issues with the film are clearly apparent. Usually this is where story or production difficulties emerge.
The most basic level of what would be considered "good." You could have a great story but a cheap production or vice versa. Alternatively, the film could be a moderate combination of above average in both story and production.
Ex. "Night of the Demons"
The final level of above average, and it's ever so slight. This rating is for movies that have at least something of acknowledgement, but are not quite a legitimately good film.
Ex. "Ring of Curse"
Here we have pure mediocrity. This doesn't mean the film is inherently bad, but it is not worthy of being called above average. This rating is for films that simply exist to kill time with and then forget entirely; you may or may not be entertained along the way.
Ex. "The Grudge 3"
This rating in particular can be about failed potential or the beginning of bad movie territory. This rating represents below average but sometimes encompasses amateur mistakes or a failure to utilize a budget or ideas effectively.
Ex. "Devil's Due"
This is the beginning of truly bad films. It could be outright shit or it could be a situation whereby the film turned into a complete debacle. I do want to note that this is the last tier where you would probably find any worthwhile, redeeming qualities.
Ex. "Grave Halloween"
We now enter the anger phase. This is when movies start to waste your time or money and you grow wary of the bullshit. Though...there may still be one, final silver lining no matter how minor it is.
Ex. "The Bell Witch Haunting"
This rating is just like a 3.5 except it lacks that silver lining or, perhaps, has nothing but a few pander moments or laughs to amuse the audience.
Ex. "Batman Forever"
We are now officially in fuck you-land. These movies are infuriating in their stupidity or lack of quality. You may find yourself punching your couch in frustration as you torture yourself into watching.
Ex. "Troll 2"
This rating is for pure nightmares put to film. They are horrible in virtually every way. Yet, someone on the set, kind of, understands one thing...like how to keep a camera straight. There's at least that going for the film, right?
Ex. "The Room"
We have entered the homicidal range as you, the viewer, will want to kill someone or everyone involved in the production. This tier is so shitacular that even a single titty flash might be the only thing worth giving a point toward.
Ex. "Asian School Girls"
This tier is reserved for films you can't believe even exist. A part of your brain and/or soul is lost upon watching this level of film. In fact, you begin to wonder whether it should be classified as a film to begin with.
Ex. "Howling VII"
This is when you're probably watching something whereby the script was written in feces across the walls of a padded cell. The ONLY thing separating this from the lowest rating is something--anything--that could be classified as "coherent."
Ex. Mercifully, I've yet to dish out this rating.
Congratulations...you are watching something akin to "La Fin Absolue du Monde" and are probably ripping out your own intestines in order to "play" it on the projector. This classification would be for a "movie" so horrendously putrid--so soul-crushingly moronic--that you question life itself, lose whatever faith you had left in humanity, and probably end up on suicide watch soon afterward.
Ex. God help me when I have to give out this rating!
Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!
Plot Summary: The lives of a devout family are plagued by an apparent witch lurking within the nearby forest.
Review: Here we go with another polarizing film; critics love it but the casual audience doesn't see the greatness. I think the movie's merits actually lie somewhere in the middle. In one respect, the production is strong with a great attention to historic detail. On the other hand, there is an air of pretentiousness to everything as the events of the film are made deliberately vague for the sake of saying "what does this mean?" Due to this ambiguity, you can interpret the events in numerous ways. Of course, it would be remiss of me not to acknowledge the ending. This will either come off as a shocking payoff or a "what the fuck was the point" conclusion. Honestly, when you make a movie like this, you must anticipate a huge portion of the audience will be annoyed right out the gate.
What was working for me was the presentation of the period, being the, I guess, 1600s? This isn't exactly my field of expertise, but everything looked authentic and the dialogue struck me as the likely way people would speak and approach their thinking. The landscape looked beautiful yet harsh which establishes a fitting tone. A big part of the atmosphere is this sense that the characters are in way over their heads. Speaking of such, the atmosphere is well done despite the odd usage of music cues for no particular reason. I mean, a zooming shot of a little bunny hardly seems worthy of a crescendo, but what do I know? And yes, I get that that was supposed to be the witch's familiar, but, really, c'mon son. The other huge factor that both helps and hurts the story is the unapologetic suffering of the characters as they all meet their demise. More so, you could easily claim the story was a bit mean-spirited especially considering the ending. The last thing I'll mention is my thorough approval of making the witch's youthful form be played by a Victoria's Secret model (Sarah Stephens). Although...she killed a baby, covered herself in the blood, and seemingly broom-fucked herself to attain this youth. DA FUCK...
I await the porn parody. Scratch that, can we get a horror/porn hybrid?
As I've already addressed, the vague nature of the plot leaves too much up to the imagination. If you wanted to really amp up your pretentious level, this film certainly provides you with that avenue. You can still take the events at face value, but clearly the director wanted audiences to see beyond the surface. For example, I get the distinct feeling much of the events were metaphorical for the lead, Thomasin's, maturity and crisis of faith; any scene of the actual witch could be attributed to Thomasin's wild imagination. For me, I just don't believe the story is strong enough or compelling enough to bother thinking deeply. It's decent, no doubt, but the characters are nothing to write home about. Thomasin and the dad are the only characters that have anything going on, and they too aren't that complex. This is why the ending feels extra lackluster or outright stupid. Thomasin gives in, sells her soul for fucking butter (and other things), and decides to become a witch even after everything she's experienced? And the devil looks like a gunslinger-pirate?! The horror elements just aren't there. A black goat, bug-eyed rabbit, a sexy, red-riding witch, and a cackling, naked grandma ain't cuttin' it in my book. Besides, how in the hell are you going to cast Lysa but NOT Sweet Robin?!
All stupid jokes aside, this movie is commendable, and easily worth your time. Just keep in mind much of the draw for this film is in the production and that it's an accurately depicted period piece. I want to say there is a degree of originality as well, but I need a little more meat to the plot before making that claim. If you don't mind the vague plot threads or can come up with a sound interpretation of your personal liking, you should have a great time with this one. This isn't a film for everyone and lacks the level of scares you might hope for. At the same time, the bad guys win, so to speak, and that kind of defeatist tale can leave an extremely rotten taste in your mouth especially when this might be your one date movie for the week.
Notable Moment: Love it or hate it, the ending is the standout scene you will remember the most. Whether that payoff was worth it is up to the individual viewer.
Final Rating: 6/10
Friday, June 3, 2016
Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!
Plot Summary: In a pussified, yet dystopian, future, you must send a maniac to catch a maniac.
Review: You would have never believed it back in '93, but this movie is gradually looking to be quite plausible. Although the film's initial inspiration was clearly "Brave New World," the story has taken on a life of its own within pop culture. With things like the ever-illusive, 3 seashells, the verbal morality statute, and, of course, virtual fucking, you have to give credit to "Demolition Man." At its core, the story is just a popcorn sci-fi/action, but there is an imaginative side that allows it to become poignant in a way. Sure, things can be incredibly cheesy, with cornball one-liners at every turn, but you have to excuse certain aspects given the era.
One undeniable flaw is that the story is not set far enough in the future. I mean, the movie came out in 1993 and by 1996 society was intended to have fallen into chaos? And this chaos lasted until around 2010-2016? The film is set in 2032 which would mean massive changes occurred in only 15-20 years? Uh, no. They probably should have set this in 2075 or something in order for society to have settled down into the state we are shown. However, I do have a theory that there were plans for a sequel which is why the year was set at what it was. There are multiple references to Spartan's daughter being alive yet we never see her. Maybe they were setting up a sequel where she would come into play. This might also address why the film limits itself to southern California only. Maybe they didn't want to commit to how the rest of the world looked?
So what are the positives of this future society? Well, they have cool-looking cars that are powered by something called capacitance gel. Everything is incredibly clean and beautiful looking. Many aspects of daily life are automated or voice-activated. Crime has been reduced to negligible levels, and violence, in particular, has been virtually eliminated. The people are nice and friendly even if a bit uptight. Overall, it would appear to be a paradise if taken at face value.
As for the negatives that create this dystopia, they are aplenty. Everyone is utterly pathetic mentally and physically. Although the film has too many fit characters, they're super weak and easily defeated. Anything considered "bad" has been banned; this includes salt, smoking, most sports, meat, caffeine, chocolate, and it goes on and on. You also can't have physical sex or get pregnant without a license; you also must get pregnant in a lab. There is feasibly no physical contact in general as even greetings have a space between the two hands. You can't use profanity or you will be fined and possibly arrested. This leads to implications of thought-crimes and a lack of freedom of speech. Most characters are shown to be cowardly and easily overwhelmed by minor stress due to how simplistic and pampered their lives are. As I previously mentioned, the society has essentially become totally pussified. But there is so much more to be weary of as surveillance is everywhere (including audio), and all people have been implanted with a microchip that allows for tracking and relegation of daily living tied to the chip. The other downside is that anyone who resists this nightmare is forced to live in the sewer system and risk starvation. Finally, the only music is stupid commercial jingles, and the only restaurant left is fucking Taco Bell. Oh hell no!
Many parts of the story, as well as the characters, are simplistic but somehow it all comes together entertainingly. The actors work well with the material despite how lame the dialogue can be sometimes. Of course I should acknowledge Sandra "world's most beautiful woman" Bullock. Yeaaah...that title is outlandish, but this is one of two times she was pretty damn cute (the other being "Speed") especially in those tight, police outfits. Stallone turns in his usual level of performance--you know, lots of dialogue screaming--but there is a degree of subtlety I appreciate. In fact, there are tiny gestures and nuances throughout the film that enhance the entertainment factor. Then there is Wesley Snipes as the villain. I think this role let him have a lot of fun with his character that is usually absent from most roles he takes. As for the rest of the characters, they are interesting in you pay attention to the details of their reactions. I mean, Otho is pretty much playing Otho again!
If you can look past the natural levels of cheese, this is a fantastic sci-fi that is bordering on classic levels. If they only took the material a little more seriously, I could easily picture this being mentioned alongside "Equilibrium" in the underrated department. Regardless, this film is awesome, fun, and more relevant now than ever. In a landscape of politically correct retards running amok, this movie stands out as the disturbing, visual representation of their endgame should society succumb to such outright idiocy. Definitely check this one out or revisit it with fresh eyes. In the mean time, I'm still trying to figure out how to use the godforsaken 3 seashells!
Notable Moment: When Denis Leary's character, Edgar Friendly, says his classic speech: You see, according to Cocteau's plan. I'm the enemy. Because I like to think, I like to read. I'm into freedom of speech, freedom of choice. I'm the kind if guy who would sit in the greasy spoon and think "Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecued spare ribs with the side order of gravy fries?" I want high cholesterol. I want to eat bacon, and butter, and buckets of cheese, okay? I want to smoke a Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in a non-smoking section. I wanna run through the streets naked with green Jell-O all over my body reading Playboy magazine. Why? Because I suddenly might feel the need to, okay pal? I've seen the future. You know what it is? It's a 47 year-old virgin sitting around in his base pajamas, drinking a banana-broccoli shake, singing "I'm an Oscar-Meyer Wiener."
Final Rating: 6.5/10