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Thursday, April 18, 2019

Wish Upon Review


Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A whiny, narcissist bitch is given seven wishes that are only granted at the cost of a life.

Review: As I've stated on multiple occasions, I love me some wish-granting stories, however, "Wish Upon" ranks right up there with "Kazaam" in stupidity. If you take every be-careful-what-you-wish-for plot line ever conceived and throw in some blatant ripping off from "Feng Shui" then you have this waste of time. Hell, if I asked you to just guess what a teenage girl would wish for nowaday you would probably guess half this film's story. Yes, it's that cookie-cutter. Except, actually, it's worse than you'd imagine, because the protagonist, Clare, is soooo fucking unlikable and insufferable to withstand. Rarely have we ever had a lead in a wish-granting story this selfish and ungrateful; she possesses more of the traits of a villain really. How many people would continue making wishes even as they know it's killing their best friends and family?! AND this jackass couldn't figure out people were dying until like, what, the fifth wish?! Our heroine, ladies and gentlemen...

Obviously the film fails to create a compelling lead, but is that reason enough to hate the film? No, but everything else is painful as well. As mentioned, this is a by-the-numbers genie-esque tale. You will not be thrown a curve ball or anything worthwhile. While "Feng Shui" had a ghost lurking in the background, and more interesting concepts in general, "Wish Upon" doesn't capitalize on its own premise. Likewise, the rules of the "music box" are flimsy. Someone can steal it and you lose all your wishes...sorta...as long as it moves the plot forward. There is no consistency to say the least. Clare can wish for everyone to love her, but her friends don't change their feelings and think she's becoming a bitch? How? Clare wishes for some dude to fall madly in love with her, but he bides his time for, what seems like, months? The pacing of these events are utter shit, and I already brought up how Clare doesn't notice anyone dying somehow. Plus, how does wishing back her dead mom not alter the very fabric of reality? Oh, no, everything is exactly the same except the mom is magically there. Right. And the mom caused everything or something...? I don't know or care. The movie ends with Clare shockingly going back to the start to undo all the events of the film. Wowwee...I never saw that one coming. Wish upon my ass.

All things considered, this movie is garbage. I do find stories like this intriguing, however, "Wish Upon" does not deliver even the most rudimentary concepts of entertainment. Oh, sure, there are a few glimmers of hope like with the Ryan character (argh) discussing the multiverse and the notion that the film could include that plot thread. Spoiler...it doesn't! Or there could have been a richer backstory on the Chinese lady that originally had the music box but nope. Ultimately, what kills the film as a whole is how annoying Clare is. She makes all the wrong decisions and is a complete idiot. You cheer for her death and it takes so long to deliver on that predictable outcome. If you want to throw away 90 minutes of your life, knock yourself out. Otherwise, I hope you have a magical music box that can send you back in time before you watch this pitiful movie.

Notable Moment: When Clare gets ran over at the end. So stupid, yet, strangely, satisfying to see that bitch fly.

Final Rating: 4/10

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

Us (2019) Review


Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: While vacationing, a family is attacked by their murderous doppelgangers.

Review: Putting it succinctly: "Us" starts out amazing for around 30 minutes, meanders into mediocrity for the second act, and then finishes with one of the worst endings to ever disgrace cinema. Where is the praise for this film coming from?! These so-called critics have become an absolute joke in the last few years. Do they even understand the basic concepts of storytelling at this point? Besides the final twist being beyond fucking predictable, the explanation for what is happening is so ludicrous and implausible that it boggles the mind. What kills me is that I can feel the power of the story at the heart of this mess, yet, it's buried under first draft idiocy and a lack of outside input. Goodness gracious.

I'll be generous and begin with what was done right. As stated, the opening sequence and the early buildup is great, full of intrigue in the best of ways. The attention to detail and simply portraying the camera from the perspective of the kid--showing how they would view mundane things as creepy--is creative and implemented excellently. Later on, there is this conveyance of dread through only visual cues similarly to "Final Destination." This depiction is hard to adequately express in words, but it's not a feat easily accomplished through film as a medium and that impressed me. Overall, the establishment of the premise is effective and thoroughly engaging as the audience will want to figure out what's happening. The story does focus on a family, however, the mom is the main character and she's played with such intensity by Lupita Nyong'o; high praise for her dual performance as the doppelganger. Everyone else is pretty good too, but the mom was exceptional. Finally, I liked many of the stylistic choices and cinematography. "Us" might be disappointing by the end, but it was still awesome up to a certain point which I do acknowledge.

On to the bad and there is a lot! First, let's knock out the final twist. Wowwee, the mom and her doppelganger switched when they were children. OMG WHAAAAAT?!!! Oh, please, that was the kinda shit you could predict from the first few minutes. It did not help either when none of the doppelgangers, called the "tethered" here, can speak except the mom's doppelganger. The thing is, you could keep this twist, but introduce it earlier and make it a plot point. Whatever...this is the least of this movie's problems.

Next, the second act is a complete failure, deflating the momentum established at the beginning. In fact, once the doppelgangers are fighting the originals, the movie is completely lost onward. You might think this is a personal story about one family fighting their evil twins and trying to figure out why it's happening but you'd be wrong. Instead, this turns into some kind of take over the world scheme or, at least, take over the USA. So, yes, everyone has fucking doppelgangers coming after them--not just the main family. This isn't the kind of story that needs that level of scale but okay. The "tethered" make little sense either as they seem superhuman often yet there is no explanation for that; in fact, story evidence would point to the contrary. Furthermore, the doppelgangers inconsistently have to do the actions of their original when the script contrivances kick in. Gotta love contrivances.

At long last, let's go over that trash revelation as to why this is happening. Ready? Okay. Soooo...there are tunnels all over the USA (maybe even the world) and our doppelgangers live there. They were created by...uhh...humans as the movie says...in order to control our actions. So let's just say they were an experiment created by the government and be done with it. Instead of controlling our actions, regular people seem to control the "tethered." When the mom was a little girl and switched places with her doppelganger, she was able to organize the tethered since she can think freely. Over the next 33 years, the "tethered' plotted to come out of the tunnels, form hands across America (yes, you read that right), and kill their originals with scissors because that symbolism was the least subtle they could imagine. And that's it.

Commence ranting and raving: how the fuck can the kids have doppelgangers?! So if two people have sex that somehow creates the exact same sperm and egg combo with the doppelgangers?! Births don't work like that. How did the mom get all those red jumpsuits, gloves, and scissors? Who maintains this facility? Who built this shit and how? They eat endlessly breeding rabbits for food?! Uh huh...because that would work. Okay, so where is the water coming from? Where is the air coming from? It's tough enough feeding people as it is yet we have resources for doubles of everyone?! If the "tethered" mimic our every action and are literally in the same positions to us down in the tunnels...how to they mimic driving, flying, anything?! What happens when someone dies naturally...does the doppelganger die? What if you get hit by a car or jump off a building? If this were some kind of experiment, why would they create everyone in existence?! You don't make a doppelganger for hundreds of millions of people if they aren't even working as intended. How the fuck could the doppelgangers pull a "Thriller" shirt out of their ass unless they have materialization? In fact, everything the doppelgangers have appears out of thin air except apparently the eating the rabbits part. Don't give me this shit about a psychic link! That is just for plot contrivance. A psychic link wouldn't explain getting the same clothes, maintaining similar haircuts, aging exactly the same, dental work, you fucking name it! I could go on and on and on and on. God damn this is fucking retarded. Yeah, we all have clones living in a tunnel who are matching our weight on a rabbit diet, growing the same on a rabbit diet, pulling the same material items out of their ass at the exact same moment, and can have the exact same kids too despite the sheer improbable series of genetic variations necessary to maintain this idiocy.

Needless to say, I was very angry by the time the credits rolled on "Us." I can handle a shitty movie...I mean, hell, look at the kind of garbage I've reviewed over the years. However, I'm so tired of seeing potential squandered, and there are fantastic ideas here, trust me. What's worse is watching critics continue to praise mediocrity in an era where their reputations are all but lost. This stupid ending could have been effortlessly cleaned up, but I can almost guarantee no one pointed out the glaring flaws at any point in the production. All things considered, I do still think "Us" is worth a view; the beginning is done well, and the family is likable. Just make sure you dial you expectations way back and don't even attempt to rationalize the ending.

Notable Moment: The opening sequence with the mom as a little girl. This setup is done so well that it's painful to see that premise turn to shit.

Final Rating: 5.5/10

Extra: How to fix everything?

The story tries to depict the "tethered" as humans living underground for the most part, yet, this is not possible on any feasible level. Ditch it. Ditch all this stupid shit with tunnels and everyone having rabbit-eating doppelgangers. Make things personal and only the family have doppelgangers.

You can keep the mom and the doppelganger switching roles. The opening showed a storm and the power going out along with all the mirrors. Say that there is a tethered dimension where everything happens reversed. Somehow this bizarre series of events with the storm and mirrors opened up a gateway long enough for the two girls to switch. The movie already establishes this idea of synchronicity where the mom feels like something is wrong as she has been avoiding that beach her whole life. Make it so the mom's presence allows for the gateway to open again since she doesn't belong in our world since she's tethered.

Have a scene where she confronts her childhood fears in the same mirror, but this allows the doppelgangers to get into our world instead. Since the family has had such a great life you demonstrate the contrast with the tethered having horrible lives. You could even have cool scenes where their lives paralleled in different ways. For example, make the son's stupid "magic trick" not work still, but the tethered son did get it to work and that's why his face is burned. Stuff like that would be really cool and make more sense.

Finally, and this is crucial, make it so that the audience fully realizes the suffering of the mom from our world who got switched into the tethered world. Her desire for revenge and having her life stolen from her should be palpable. At the end, instead of fighting in some classroom with rabbits--these godforsaken rabbits--you have a final showdown in the hall of mirrors. It might be cliche, but you could make it where one mom comes out and the audience is left wondering which one really made it.