Halloween Kills Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: After surviving his apparent defeat, Michael heads back to his childhood home and kills anyone in his path.

Review: This was a tough one to rate, and I can see it being one of the most divisive entries in the franchise. There are a lot of plot aspects I love as if the writers tweaked this entry based on my own complaints about the 2018 film. On the other hand, this isn't a proper depiction of Michael, and there were serious pacing issues--reeking of filler to create a trilogy. Strangely enough, the thing that keeps sticking with me days after viewing "Halloween Kills" is the serendipitous continuation of 1978's Halloween night through the flashback sequence; I'll touch more on that later.

So what works here is the carnage candy! Michael kills more people here than in most of the previous entries combined. If all you want out of your "Halloween" sequel is Michael doing his thing, then, believe me, "Halloween Kills" more than delivers the goods. The inclusion of past survivors did help to bring everything together since the film emphasized this notion of the town uniting to take down Michael. Speaking of which, the big showdown against Michael was satisfying. The criticisms of this scene are unwarranted with people pointing to a lack of guns brought to the knife fight. True, this is a bit contrived but not stupid in context. The town wants to vent on Michael which is why they want to beat and stab him to death rather than just blow him away. Besides, Mikey is shot plenty too.

Another major criticism I want to address about the uneven storytelling is that you need to understand this isn't a movie about someone trying to survive Michael--this is a movie about Michael trying to get home, overcoming all obstacles he faces, and transforming into the bogeyman. This is an important distinction to make since no other entry has focused on Michael himself. And, as I mentioned in my 2018 review, no other entry besides part 4 (sorta) had the guts to let Michael win...until now. There is no final zinger to hint at Michael living or a possible sequel...it's just Michael winning Thanos-style.

On the technical side of things, the lighting is excellent with special attention to blacken Michael's eyes as much as possible. In regard to the man himself, this burnt look added a certain layer of menace a lot of past installments screwed up royally. I love these new pieces by John Carpenter even if there was a lot of overlap to the 2018 soundtrack. The cinematography was topnotch especially with the 1978 flashback sequence. Finally, you could feel the amount of heart put into the production and appreciation for the series as a whole from the filmmakers.

I've heaped plenty of praise so far on "Halloween Kills" which makes it bizarre that I now have to trash it considerably. Let's start with the filler material since that's hardest to ignore. There is simply not enough going on in the story. You've got pointless characters showing up, wasting more time than they need, then dying unceremoniously; for example, the doctor/nurse couple, Big John and Little John, the bratty kids in the silver Shamrock masks (nice touch though), etc. are all wasting time. The old couple Michael kills first could have been fused with the two Johns for a more concise story structure. Then we have the mob of angry citizens at the hospital chasing the mental patient, Laurie meandering about the hospital, and just numerous filler moments as if the filmmakers are trying their hardest to stretch things out into the next installment, "Halloween Ends." These aspects create a sense of wasting the audience's time and are often stupid scenes unto themselves.

Okay, I'm not sure who's under that mask, but that's not Michael Myers; it might be Jason. Michael has never been the type to charge headfirst at a crowd and start killing. He has always lurked in the shadows when going after his victims and stalks them. Taking things further, we have Michael receiving more damage than he has ever before and shrugging it off. Keep in mind this is also supposed to be Michael in his damn 60s tanking bullets, beatings, stabbings, and getting right back up. And what the fuck--Mikey rolled over and let himself get arrested by the police when surrounded but fights the townspeople?! They could have at least hinted he was hurt after Loomis famously SHOT HIM SIX TIMES. On some level I get the intention of the filmmakers, but this can only be explained away by finally declaring Michael supernatural. Which leads me to my next point...

Is Michael outright no longer human in this continuity? Here is the problem as I understand it: the filmmakers stripped Mikey of his exploits by removing the sequels from canon. This reduced Michael to a mental patient who killed like 4 people one Halloween 40 years ago. To compensate from that de-powering, Michael's exploits have been exaggerated to the point now that there is no alternative but to make him superhuman--to make him become the bogeyman. Maybe this isn't the full direction they're going in, but it would be a ballsy, final sendoff to the series. Make Mikey the living embodiment of Halloween, and the actual bogeyman, and end it.

Setting aside the negatives, the final topic I want to discuss is the flashback sequence. This is what I've unknowingly wanted from a "Halloween" sequel all these years! It's common knowledge that Carpenter didn't want to do "Halloween II" and it showed. Instead of rebooting the franchise as they did with the 2018 entry, they should have created a true part 2. There was something magical about seeing Michael in the original costume and in his prime again. Being back in '78, having Loomis back, having that different outlook on Halloween, and just everything--the setting and situation--that is what I've always wanted to see filmmakers recapture; this is something no previous sequel could ever attain. However, this flashback demonstrated you CAN get it all back AND continue where part 1 left off. We don't need Laurie...make a retro sequel where it's '78 still, Michael just fell out of the balcony and the cops are after him with Loomis in tow. I WANT THAT!

All things considered, my feelings are mixed and my score sways heavily. There are a ton of great things going on here, yet, they're contrasted by an aimless direction and stupid ideas. I find myself as one of the few people who sees this as merely an okay entry, boosted by some of the creative choices. I get why this movie is polarizing, but there are waaaay worse entries. At the same time, I think there are enough positives to rank this above most sequels and, this goes without saying, the horrendous Rob Zombie remakes. "Halloween Kills" is worth a view without a doubt just to see for yourself, however, you should be aware that this is a tonal shift from the series with Michael as the lead character for once, and you might not like this even if you enjoyed the 2018 film.

Notable Moment: The flashback sequence. Now that's the direction I want to see this franchise go in. Man, I just miss having that dynamic with Loomis again.

Final Rating: 6/10

Double Feature: The Legend and Curse of Halloween Jack Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Zany antics ensue after a guy is falsely executed for murders he didn't commit and then returns from the grave for revenge.

Review: Oh dear. I was going to cover these two movies separately, but they're both waaaay too shitty to deserve that treatment. I might as well knock out the positives right now since they're practically nonexistent. The Jack character looks kinda cool, and it was funny that one character was dressed as Waldo. And that's it, ladies and gentleman; that's all I can say positive. Yippee. As for the numerous faults...where do I even begin? First and foremost, you will notice the horrendous audio and sound effects! Someone dies and it sounds like putting a toothpick in a grape. The acting is shit, the special effects are weak and outright laughable at times, and the story is reminiscent of something my friend's little brother would write when he was 12 (I haven't had to bring that kid up in years!). The entire experience is painful to say the least. As you may have guessed, I was falling asleep, zoning out, and putting on something else every 5 minutes as I slogged my way through the two films. They are mercifully short run times, but that doesn't make it any less excruciating to the senses.

The Legend of Halloween Jack: Some random teens(?) are killed and Jack is blamed for their deaths. He didn't do it, but everyone is so convinced he's the killer because...I don't know. Well, he's not the killer and returns on Halloween for revenge. Jack is supposed to be focused on specific people in these two movies yet always finds a way to veer off course and kill whoever is around. So is he supposed to be a sympathetic villain or should we root for the people that killed him? Or just hate everyone in the cast and crew as a whole?! I chose that last option. I get that these were low-budget productions, but every single scene is presented with the lowest quality imaginable. I've covered low-budget done right, and this is the other end of that spectrum. Ugh. By the end they blow up Jack or whatever which completes his mission of revenge anyway. They try to end on a "Carrie" ripoff zinger which actually did get me laughing.

The Curse of Halloween Jack: It's two years later and the dumbest cult in the history of humanity intends to revive Halloween Jack...or did they? They don't seem to know who he is, nor mention him, and the events come off as incidental. Oh well. Now Jack is back to find his long lost daughter. Oh goodness gracious. I love how they introduce this one-eyed Willy guy, or whoever he was, to give us a ton of exposition and to serve as a fake tough guy. The same technical flaws exist between both movies so if you tortured yourself with part 1 then you essentially experienced part 2 as well. At the end they blow up Jack again after stabbing him with a magic dagger. Yes, it's as retarded as you'd imagine.

I'd love to say one of these movies was better than the other, but they're both consistently shitacular. Watching these horrific films was not fun. Are they anywhere near the worst movies I've covered? No, of course not; I mean, have you seen the movies I've reviewed over the years?! BUT these two are pretty damn insufferable in their own right. If you're looking for a sleep aid this Halloween, for whatever reason, this will certainly help in that regard. Otherwise, avoid this trash like the plague since they're not even in the so-bad-it's-good category.

Notable Moment: There are countless stupid moments, however, the worst has to be during part 1 when Jack kills the partygoers. The camera is at the angle of the legs of the characters, and this was meant to showcase a panic of running from Jack. But, because there are literally like 6 extras for the scene, it looks like something out of "Scooby-Doo" with everyone spinning in fucking circles like morons. This scene perfectly demonstrates the sheer incompetence during these productions.

Final Rating: 3/10 (for both)

Hubie Halloween Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: The town idiot/scaredy-cat must save Halloween when there appears to be a serial killer on the loose.

Review: I don't know if this movie was made on a dare or was an old script collecting dust for decades. Adam Sandler, writer and star, has gone through phases of film making that coincide with his aging process. Meaning, as he was younger he made goofy, immature humor, then transitioned to parenting, and now is at family man stage. Well, for better or worse, "Hubie Halloween" is some kind of throwback to his "Billy Madison" and "The Waterboy" days. So if you're a bigger fan of his current style then this will probably disappoint; however, if you're more interested in his earlier comedy style then this will be right up your alley.

On the positive side of things, the Halloween setting is nailed considerably well. They use Salem as a backdrop which is probably the mecca of modern Halloween. All kinds of zany antics are afoot as the characters run amok across town, and we are shown a myriad of trick-or-treating, cool costumes, haunted houses, candy, etc. You have your usual parade of Sandler pals, celebrity cameos, and outright shenanigans like a thermos that can transform into essentially any plot contrivance needed. For me, Sandler movies are a hit or miss, but I think this film succeeded in depicting a moronic do-gooder saving Halloween. The final twist as to who is "killing" everyone was amusing as well.

As for the downside of things...it's your typical, cornball Sandler humor. If you can't stand his brand of comedy you will probably see this as painfully stupid. I mean, I knew what to expect, and there were still numerous times I was rolling my eyes. The ending especially is super cheesy to the point of ludicrous. Also, we never understand why Hubie is obsessed with Halloween or is it all holidays--are we to expect a Hubie Christmas down the line? 

Overall, if you're familiar with Sandler's films you can probably already decide whether it's for you or not from the onset. Now, to its credit, "Hubie Halloween" is wholesome and family-friendly for the most part which may be worth it for those that might typically shy away. Luckily, I could appreciate the goofball, Halloween fun that was intended. This isn't going to be a Halloween staple for me or anything, but it's nice to have more Halloween-themed possibilities outside of horror.

Notable Moment: Not necessarily a single scene, but I liked when Hubie's mom had on the various, raunchy innuendo shirts that she didn't even understand.

Final Rating: 6/10

Black Pumpkin Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Two kids accidentally awaken the vengeful spirit of a little boy who kills people on Halloween.

Review: "Black Pumpkin" is about as dumb and cornball as you'd expect, yet, there was a quirky charm that made it tolerable and fun at times. I've covered a ton of low-budget horror movies that include Halloween plot lines to get a few extra viewers. I'd classify this film among that crowd with the caveat that they tried to incorporate the holiday into the mix better. Other than the obvious, glaring flaws that any casual viewer is going to notice within the first few minutes, my main gripe with the material is the asinine nature of the story. We don't get any context or understanding about why this ghost is on the loose. There is supposedly--and let me stress supposedly--another movie called "Bloody Bobby" that provides the context for "Black Pumpkin," but good writing should supplement that material. Oh well.

The good: I'd dare say there was a degree of heart put into this film. There's just something about the goofy characters and situations that amused me--there was an added layer of care taken to the story if that makes sense. I don't expect others to see this subjective level of charm, but this is what kept me invested. Other than that, the older sister was hot...and there was a kid named Pork Chop. Umm...that might be it for the good.

The bad: Some of these are just a given like questionable acting, weak special effects, and a moronic ending.  In fairness, I've seen significantly worse from other movies of this same caliber. Now, what was legitimately stupid was the antagonist himself, Blood Bobby. Ignoring the lack of context I mentioned, Bloody Bobby is a non-threat! They even show the character is 4'3 (130cm) on his missing poster. He's just a little kid for fuck's sake--kick him into orbit. Oh, sure, the filmmakers could have highlighted his supernatural abilities, but, instead, he seems to need real-world weapons to kill his victims. I mean, he was incapacitated by the little sister at one point. I would definitely nominate Bloody Bobby as one of the weakest and least intimidating villains of all time.

All things considered, I can't really recommend "Black Pumpkin" unless you're just dying for some cheesy fun. This movie certainly doesn't take itself seriously which helps make it bearable. Unfortunately, the positives are few and far between with a slew of negatives in every possible field whether it be production, sound, acting, etc. I've probably reviewed like 50+ movies that take place on Halloween at this point. Just throw all their titles in a hat and pick one at this point.

Notable Moment: Not a single scene but it was definitely within the tasteful shenanigans category that the filmmakers kept finding ways for the older sister to be running around in her undies even in front of Pork Chop.

Final Rating: 4/10

The Night House Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: After her husband commits suicide, a woman experiences supernatural events connected to the husband's hidden life.

Review: "The Night House" has great tension and buildup, but, ultimately, the final reveal and explanation is nonsensical and stupid. I wouldn't go quite as far as to call it wasted potential since it's really only the ending that falters. Unfortunately, endings like this are deal-breakers for me since my time has been wasted for like the millionth time. I mean, for fuck's sake the main chick discovers she's up against...the "Nothing?" Uh, should Falcor be swooping in? This ain't "The NeverEnding Story" here.

On the positive side of things, Rebecca Hall plays the lead, Beth, with utmost conviction; she felt believable in her grief and general mannerisms. Keeping the cast small helped to put the emphasis on Beth all the more as we see her grieve and try to figure out what her shady husband was up to. Speaking of which...the mystery that shrouds the husband is intriguing and engages the audience. He was building an exact duplicate of the family home in the middle of the woods except including creepy totems around. Hmmmm. I loved the red moon inclusion and this idea of two worlds or seeing something when in the right state of mind. More so, there are plenty of good ideas strewn about that leave you guessing where this story is heading. Complementing this aspect is the general tension that is created by the filmmakers. Gotta give credit where credit is due.

Where things go off the rails is when we finally discover the truth of what is happening. I'm like expecting some next level "Hellraiser" shit with the husband creating a gateway to hell or another dimension. Instead, he's a serial killer with a heart of gold that is tricking some kind of supernatural force to prevent it from killing Beth...called the Nothing. Wait, what?! Soooo...Beth almost died and met this supernatural being that for some reason didn't just take her at the edge of death but is trying to go "Final Destination" on her ass later? Why? And the only way to stop this is to build a replica house and kill chicks that look like Beth to trick the Nothing? AND somehow the husband was also prodded to do this on behalf of the Nothing...yet...this did trick the Nothing? Whaaaat? What the fuck am I even hearing? Let's just say this made sense for a second--why was Beth seeing the ghosts of the previous victims or whatever those girls running around were? What was the husband doing while constructing the house to keep this being at bay? If the husband was hearing whispers in his ear right after meeting Beth, would he really have stayed with her and lived a normal life or would he go crazy and ditch Beth since he knew she was haunted? Argh. Needless to say, there are numerous holes in this reveal and it's lame regardless. In fact, had this really been some kind of "Hellraiser" reboot it might have actually worked wonders with the replica house being it's own version of the Lament Configuration.

All things considered, I do still think "The Night House" is worth a view but expectations should to be tempered. The acting is good and the mystery is serviceable, however, where the story takes you isn't exactly the best. Although, I'm sure there will be those that find this reveal scary or might like this direction regardless.

Notable Moment: When Beth is bound by the "Nothing" and the red light is over head. This is great imagery and use of cinematography.

Final Rating: 5.5/10

The Tunnel 3D (Korean 2014) Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Shenanigans of the highest order ensue after a writer throws dozens of scripts in a blender and, shockingly, shit comes out.

Review: This is easily among the top 5 (maybe top 3) worst K-horror movies I have ever forced myself to endure. Besides being an incoherent mess from start to finish, every single scene is excruciatingly boring to the point that I watched this in 1-5 minute bursts. This was painful to say the least. The acting is bad, the effects are weak, the lighting is humorously bright for a movie taking place in a mine, the final twist is idiotic, and the only redeeming qualities are a bare-bones understanding of film making from the crew.

So what the fuck is this shit? Honestly, it's tough to even say. We get a seemingly haunted mine in the opening sequence, then we get a rave(?), "I Know What You Did Last Summer" action, a transition into "My Bloody Valentine," followed by everything being the most ludicrous revenge scheme imaginable. What?! I have discussed script-in-a-blender phenomenon for years, but this might have become THE quintessential example from here on out. There are so many clashing ideas at play that it's hard to even comprehend the idiocy at hand.

First, we get some miners trapped from a cave-in that are, seemingly, killed by ghosts. In modern day, we get the main chick meeting up with some old friends as they prepare to go to a party/rave in what's left of this mine. There is some creepy guy who is a wannabe Crazy Ralph of sorts. There is a pointless subplot about the daughter of the mine's owner trying to seduce one of the mine workers. The main chick is seeing the ghost of a little girl which will make no sense by the end. Crazy Ralph tries to crash the party and bleeds black blood for whatever reason. Next we are treated to a cheating subplot within the group of friends which also amounts to nothing. Eventually Crazy Ralph decides to start a fight, they kill him, and decide they will dump his body in the mine and swear to never discuss this event...except instead of waiting until next summer we wait all of 2 minutes for the killings to begin. Next thing you know there is a guy roaming the mine wearing a miner outfit. BUT the characters are seeing ghosts, and is Crazy Ralph actually dead?! Find out in the next exciting paragraph!

Slowly all of the characters die through zany antics...except not really since the main chick is actually the killer. Wait, WHAT?! Get ready for this bullshit. One of the trapped miners was the main chick's dad and she wants revenge on the owner of the mine's son. Why him? And the friends are just there for filler? Except she only killed two of them and the others died to hallucination-related accidents from a lack of oxygen in the mine. So what about Crazy Ralph? I don't know. What about the miner outfit guy? He's the worker that was being seduced (yeah, no shit), and he's also the main chick's old best friend she doesn't remember. What about the ghost girl? Another hallucination...except the main chick saw her before they were in the mine. What about the ghosts at the beginning? Uhhhhh...more hallucinations? What about all the other bullshit like cheating and the owner's daughter? Pointless. What about the black blood? Nope. Well, what's the damn point?! Main chick just wants revenge against people unrelated to the event that killed her dad. And, even though she has no memories of the past, she somehow schemed this plot subconsciously? And everything came together perfectly even though she had no other means of luring the group into the mine if Crazy Ralph didn't come along. And then she time travels at the end and magically survives another cave-in or really did become a ghost herself?! For the love of fuck, what is this movie?!

To put it succinctly: I hate this movie. This was torture from beginning to end. The story gives me a migraine trying to rationalize it. The minimum of effort was put into this production and the 3-D gimmick is hardly used. To call this film a colossal failure is a massive understatement; it's actually put me in a bad mood for the day. The filmmakers couldn't even deliver a so bad it's good experience--this is pure trash with no joy or entertainment value.

Notable Moment: I'd love to say the pool scene, but even okay-looking chicks in bikinis can't raise the rating on this abomination.

Final Rating: 3/10

The Bridge Curse Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Zany antics ensue after college kids test to see if a local ghost story is true.

Review: This is by the numbers Asian horror. I'm not saying it's bad necessarily, however, there is virtually nothing of merit worth mentioning here. Oh, sure, there is a twist that you could never possibly predict, but that's more on the stupid and deceptive side rather than creative. The main issues are the drawn-out pacing and underdeveloped premise. To the film's credit, the action kicks off right away and starts killing off the kids quickly. Unfortunately, the story feels like it's coming to a wrap around the 45 minute mark with way more shenanigans left in the tank. The material simply doesn't have enough oomph to carry a full-length experience.

So what exactly is the bridge curse? Every leap year, if you count up some stairwell near a bridge then a bonus step will appear and a ghost girl will appear behind you or whatever the hell was happening here. Honestly, it's so damn contrived and impossible to stumble upon naturally that only people testing the urban legend would ever fall victim to this curse. Which begs the question, how the hell did anyone ever know about this in the first place?! Yeah, we get your standard, long-haired ghost girl, and she looks decent in all fairness. There are two origin stories for the ghost with both sounding sketchy by the characters as if to imply the truth was never completely revealed; I mean, it's not like any of the characters have any connection to the ghost whatsoever. Although maybe they were going to have a connection? The framing device of the story revolves around a journalist making a documentary of the events so maybe she would discover the truth about the ghost? The ending of this film not only sequel-baits but is so bold as to include a mid and post-credit scene. This ain't a Marvel movie here.

The big twist of this movie felt so cheap. Oh, the characters that you thought were all interacting together were actually two different groups from different time periods dying to the curse. DUN DUN DUN!!! What's the point? So that we can reveal the camera guy of the documentary crew is actually one of the kids possessed-ish by the ghost? Weak. It turns out the ghost will let someone live if they arrange for more victims every 4 years. Look, "February 29" already tackled this better and throwing in "The Wishing Stairs" to the mix doesn't add anything.

On some level, this movie could have worked if the story was tweaked. As it stands, you get a 30 minute TV show episode stretched paper thin across 90 minutes. Everything with the twist and documentary crew is aimless and used as padding. I would have more to say if this movie were actually plain bad, but, in some ways, it's worse being this bland. There is still casual fun to have from this flick--it just felt as though the creators weren't trying and half-assed the entire thing.

Notable Moment: When the ghost appears in the makeup room, or whatever it was, with the wigs. This is a prime example of what I'm discussing. You have this cool set piece that is squandered outright. This could have been a scary segment, but, instead, nothing creative or cool happens.

Final Rating: 5/10